Hello SpinBunny,

Because your trainer has a girlfriend, your obsession with him is unhealthy. Like any addiction, it’s important to identify triggers and avoid them. The trainer is a trigger for you. As Matt stated, it’s time to find another trainer. Practicing mindfulness meditation can serve as a potent comping mechanism. It will give you the mental discipline to intercept and block thoughts about him.

I also encourage you to think about your trainer’s girlfriend. She’s probably a kind, decent person. If you were in her shoes, would you be comfortable with your boyfriend behavior’s toward one of his clients? And if he’s such a great guy, wouldn’t you think he would have established firmer boundaries?

Additional food for thought: We don’t really know someone until we’ve been through thick and thin with them. Right now, what you share with your trainer is chemistry, physical attraction, and fantasies. For instance, do you know for a fact if he’s the type that would stick by his lover and be her caregiver if she became crippled?

In Kindness,

Bill

And I apologize if my response seems rude, it’s not intended that way. I don’t envy the situation you’re in, and I hope you find a way to find peace with it all.

I understand, and that’s why I apologize if I come off as rude. I’m sure you’re not full out encouraging the situation, and as I’ve said – I don’t envy that situation. It’s hard to get over a person you fall for, especially when you get to know them well and when you know it’s not in the best interest of anyone involved to be pining for the person.

Sometimes it’s best to remove yourself from a situation that is causing pain like that though, because simply being involved (even in a passive way) is still encouraging it to an extent. If people are commenting that he’s into you as well, it shows in that alone that there’s something more than a trainer/trainee friendship, and that should be addressed before things happen where he compromises his own relationship.
Have you tried having a conversation with him about it? In being honest with him, you might find more clarity in some aspect of the situation. (Either he may recommend you find a new trainer, or you may find out that he feels the same way and you both need to discuss what happens from there.)
Sitting in a state of “unknown” doesn’t make things any easier, and can make the feelings you’re holding in seem more painful because you’ll always be thinking “what if…”

Dear SpinBunny,

You are welcome. No need to despair, and no rush in making any decisions 🙂 From what I see, you are exactly on the right path, mindful, open, considerate and learning about yourself, emotions, people.

Something else came to heart … he is a personal trainer and part of his job is to be kind and friendly with everyone. It is possible there are slight reciprocated feelings but at the same time it is possible they are only perceived. This is normal, usual, lovable. Attraction is normal between people, especially when they have been in a close relationship for a prolonged period of time. The trick is, and the heart of it all, to notice it, let is pass, and know when it is skillful to act on it and when it is not skillful to act on it. That is the practice, and perhaps part of the lesson in this scenario. As we learn to observe our own emotions/thoughts we become more attuned to such subtleties. Then, we can enjoy the relationship in a healthy way. Say to ourselves “yes I find this person attractive but the relationship will remain strictly platonic.” And you enjoy the gym, something that gives you comfort, nourishment… what I see is that you already trust yourself to remain platonic 🙂 Now, it is just a matter of strengthening that view and yes, finding peace within.

One day, you will look back to all this and laugh, there is always a path to joy, and you are already on it, dear sister 🙂

With much warmth,
Helen

I’ve been following this thread with some interest. It seems to be a triggering topic.

I have to say that I really loved Helen’s advice and point of view. You can’t control who you like, and I somehow don’t see anything wrong with feeling affection towards someone. People come and go in and out of your life and we feel something towards them. I derive pleasure from feeling affection towards someone, regardless of who they are. It doesn’t mean that I want to possess them or have them. I just enjoy their presence, that’s all. Perhaps if it’s seen as this fleeting moment in life, it doesn’t become an obsession or anything more than what it is. Controlling and denying makes it a bigger deal than what it is. In my humble opinion.