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The pain of loving someone you can't have.

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  • #61000
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    I’m sure we’ve all been there at least once and its quite a common problem but I’ve gone and fallen in love with my Personal Trainer. I cringe as I say that because I know its cliched. Yes I’ve read lots of stories about women falling head over heels for their PT’s because they are encouraging and supportive and only ever bring out the best in you but for me it’s a little different. He is an instructor at my gym as well as my PT and I see him nearly every day. It’s no secret that we’re attracted to each other but he has a girlfriend. A girlfriend who I presume he is happy with as they are planning on going travelling together. Now I know nothing can ever come of this but as I have got to know him I’ve totally fallen for him. We have loads in common and could just chat for hours. You know the way sometimes you just feel good around someone,like when you’re with them the world just melts away and you forget everything bad because all that matters is the moment.I feel good when I’m with him and I know he feels the same about me. Someone said to me “he’s totally into you, when you’re together he never takes his focus off of you” thats not during training sessions but just when we are chatting with other people around. It has been noted on several occasions and not only that I can just tell by the way he looks at me and the things he says that he feels it too. I have even felt him pull away slightly and I know its when he realises he’s getting too close but then the closeness always comes back. I believe he is one of my soul mates because we read each others minds all the time and whenever I email or text him he’ll say “I was just about to call you, I think we have some wierd out of this world connection” because it happens all the time. It’s like I can feel him wherever we are.

    Having said all that I am not the type of woman to go chasing after a man in a relationship. I have too much respect for myself and too much respect for him. If he is happy in his current relationship then I would never want to ruin that in any way. So I’m not writing this because I want advice on how to win him over or steal him from his current girlfriend, I’m writing this to let the pain out because it’s tearing me apart. I know I need to move passed this and I know being single doesn’t help because I am lonely for someone and maybe that is why I have let myself become so attached to him. I really just want to be able to let him go. Sometimes I say I’d like to “Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind” him and have him removed from my memory because feeling so close to him but not being able to hold him or kiss him or tell him how I really feel is driving me to insanity. I know I should probably stop seeing him and try to move on but it’s just not that easy. I don’t know what to do. I think I’m in love with the guy and I can’t see straight anymore. I’m starting to let my heart rule my head and I know thats a recipe for disaster in this case. I can’t see it ending well. Possibly with me a little bit more heart broken than I already am.

    #61002
    Matt
    Participant

    SpinBunny,

    Its normal and fairly usual to fall for a kindred, there’s a click that becomes very alluring. Add to that him being a cheerleader for your development, and what’s not to love? Consider that the feelings are easy, now, safely sprouting in the world of fantasy. If he was your boyfriend, it’d be a lot different. He’s full of blood and puss and poop too, not just a “mystery man”. The relationship would be the same, tricky, real, hard work.

    Said differently, if only conditions were different… but they aren’t. Infatuation erodes when we rest with the reality of what is, instead of bounce along the fantasies of what might be if only. Might be time for a different trainer. Or go after him. Unrequited love is tough enough, without mixing in the teacher/student aspect of your connection.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #61003
    Bill Lee
    Participant

    Hello SpinBunny,

    Because your trainer has a girlfriend, your obsession with him is unhealthy. Like any addiction, it’s important to identify triggers and avoid them. The trainer is a trigger for you. As Matt stated, it’s time to find another trainer. Practicing mindfulness meditation can serve as a potent comping mechanism. It will give you the mental discipline to intercept and block thoughts about him.

    I also encourage you to think about your trainer’s girlfriend. She’s probably a kind, decent person. If you were in her shoes, would you be comfortable with your boyfriend behavior’s toward one of his clients? And if he’s such a great guy, wouldn’t you think he would have established firmer boundaries?

    Additional food for thought: We don’t really know someone until we’ve been through thick and thin with them. Right now, what you share with your trainer is chemistry, physical attraction, and fantasies. For instance, do you know for a fact if he’s the type that would stick by his lover and be her caregiver if she became crippled?

    In Kindness,

    Bill

    #61006
    Big blue
    Participant

    Hi SpinBunny,

    Find a new trainer!

    Big blue

    #61025
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Thank you for your responses.

    I realise it’s unhealthy and thats why I want it to stop. I do need to find another trainer because I find being around him quite painful at the moment because of these feelings. I do think about his Girlfriend all the time and that is one of the reasons I would never push for anything to happen but the connection is there and these things are hard to ignore. I should point out that he has never gone beyond the boundaries of friendship and probably doesn’t really know how I feel about him. I think I have become swept away with the chemistry and fantasy but I have seen an ugly side so I don’t have him up on a pedestal. I realise if he was my boyfriend things would be different, I know relationships are hard and sometimes downright ugly but I guess I’ll never know what a lovers relationship with him would be like.

    I would love to try meditation to try and block out thoughts of him but I haven’t really mastered meditation yet.

    Matt I love your statement about Infatuation eroding when you face reality and thats what I need to do. It’s all too easy to live in a world of what if’s but its not helping me at all so thank you.

    #61044
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear SpinBunny,

    Great advice from others. One thing came to heart and prompted me to add on a little 🙂 You say you would like to try meditation and “block out” thoughts of him. As a fellow traveller, I suggest this meditation manual: Mindfulness in Plain English (http://www.mindfulvalley.org/files/books/mindfulness_plain_english.pdf). It describes in very clear terms what meditation is and how it works, how it can help when different thoughts/felings arise. To ease our suffering, sometimes, often, the most calming thing we can do is just watch what thoughts/emotions arise, allow them to be without adding any impressions to them, and then watch them pass, dissolve. Like waves in the ocean. Even though it seems difficult, for me, this is one of the greatest tools when turbulent emotions, attachments, arise. And they do, they never stop because that is what life is all about, a playground with infinite experiences 🙂

    What I see with you is a mindfulness, openess to the whole of the situation, considering how everyone feels, you, him, his girlfriend. Perhaps it is true that another trainer would be better to avoid this painful situation. But also perhaps, consider this situation is exactly where you need to be in order to learn how to cultivate peace within 🙂 And please know that I am not advocating inactivity, on the contrary, much activity first within, then on the outside. When you discover an inner calmness you may not want to change trainer, gym, etc… or you may want to do that. The difference is that the decision will be made out of choice rather than a feeling of “having to because it is so difficult.”

    Much warmth to you sister, may you discover you inner light 🙂

    Helen

    #61061
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    Thank you so much Helen. I have saved the PDF to my computer and will definitely read.

    Thank you also for your kind words. It is a bit of a pickle because I don’t necessarily want him out of my life completely. My feelings for him aside he is a great trainer and believe it or not they are hard to come by. I’ve had a couple of awful ones.I’ve been with him for nearly 2 years. I didn’t have these feelings instantly, they took months to surface, the more I got to know him.
    The last thing I would ever do is cause trouble for him or his girlfriend, I think like you said I just need to work out a way to cultivate that peace about the situation and if I fail then move on. I do love my gym and thats half the problem. I don’t really want to have to leave it. I try to ignore the way his face lights up when he sees me or the way he’s constantly beaming when he’s with me. Have told myself a million times its wishful thinking and that I’m imagining it but deep down I know I’m not. I feel a lot of love for him inside but keep it to myself. People have told me to tell him how I feel but I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. I often think most situations in life are exactly what we need at the time and that we attract all these experiences for our souls growth. I just don’t know what this one is supposed to be teaching me yet.

    Much Love

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by SpinBunny78.
    #61063
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    As someone who’s fiance is studying to become a personal trainer, and as someone who is terrified of him having clients like you (and I mean that in the nicest way possible – I’m sure you’re a nice person, but that situation is horrible), please find a new trainer.

    If he is in a relationship, and you know this – but you’re encouraging this situation to continue, it doesn’t say much for your own values and morals.
    It probably hurts for you, but just put yourself in her shoes, because I’m sure it wouldn’t be such a nice feeling…
    Also, think of the reality of this: if he magically falls for you and leaves her, and you two end up together… What’s to say he wouldn’t do the same to you when the next “strong connection” comes along? Because, believe me, someone else WILL come along. And if he’s the type to leave his girlfriend to go after a “strong connection” like you, then that doesn’t say much for him either.
    There are over 7 billion people on this planet, and plenty of them are available. Try finding one of them instead of someone who’s already in a relationship. I could never understand women, and men, who try to get into a romantic relationship with someone who is in a relationship with someone else. Even emotional cheating is wrong regardless of whether or not you cross physical barriers. It reminds me of spoiled children who acknowledge that another child has something of value, so they long for it and try to steal it. Very unsettling.

    And for the record, it’s his job/career to be supportive and push you to reach your goals. You’re paying him for that.

    #61064
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    And I apologize if my response seems rude, it’s not intended that way. I don’t envy the situation you’re in, and I hope you find a way to find peace with it all.

    #61065
    SpinBunny78
    Participant

    The trouble is Nikki, I have no problem with your response but if you read my previous posts you will see that I have clearly stated I am not encouraging the situation because I know he is in a relationship and that is why I have made no moves to start anything. I can’t help it if we get on really well. This doesn’t mean I am about to try to steal him from his girlfriend. I’m sure he has other clients that are attracted to him as well. I respect his relationship. Like I have said I did not write this post to ask for advice on how to steal somebody’s lover. I am not that person. I wrote it for advice on how to get over this situation because it hurts. You are right if he wanted to start something then it doesn’t say much about him but thats fine because I would never start anything with someone that was in a relationship. I’m asking for help on how to handle a difficult situation. I haven’t come on here to ask how to be a relationship wrecker. Quite the opposite. I was hoping for some advice on how to overcome these feelings and deal with them when I know nothing can come of this and I got some good advice which I will take with me.

    #61068
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I understand, and that’s why I apologize if I come off as rude. I’m sure you’re not full out encouraging the situation, and as I’ve said – I don’t envy that situation. It’s hard to get over a person you fall for, especially when you get to know them well and when you know it’s not in the best interest of anyone involved to be pining for the person.

    Sometimes it’s best to remove yourself from a situation that is causing pain like that though, because simply being involved (even in a passive way) is still encouraging it to an extent. If people are commenting that he’s into you as well, it shows in that alone that there’s something more than a trainer/trainee friendship, and that should be addressed before things happen where he compromises his own relationship.
    Have you tried having a conversation with him about it? In being honest with him, you might find more clarity in some aspect of the situation. (Either he may recommend you find a new trainer, or you may find out that he feels the same way and you both need to discuss what happens from there.)
    Sitting in a state of “unknown” doesn’t make things any easier, and can make the feelings you’re holding in seem more painful because you’ll always be thinking “what if…”

    #61069
    Bill Lee
    Participant

    Hello SpinBunny,

    I admire your strength to do the right thing and I wish you much happiness. Do be mindful of how you notify your trainer of your decision not to continue utilizing his services. Keeping it professional is the way to go.

    Peace & Blessings,

    Bill

    #61071
    Helen
    Participant

    Dear SpinBunny,

    You are welcome. No need to despair, and no rush in making any decisions 🙂 From what I see, you are exactly on the right path, mindful, open, considerate and learning about yourself, emotions, people.

    Something else came to heart … he is a personal trainer and part of his job is to be kind and friendly with everyone. It is possible there are slight reciprocated feelings but at the same time it is possible they are only perceived. This is normal, usual, lovable. Attraction is normal between people, especially when they have been in a close relationship for a prolonged period of time. The trick is, and the heart of it all, to notice it, let is pass, and know when it is skillful to act on it and when it is not skillful to act on it. That is the practice, and perhaps part of the lesson in this scenario. As we learn to observe our own emotions/thoughts we become more attuned to such subtleties. Then, we can enjoy the relationship in a healthy way. Say to ourselves “yes I find this person attractive but the relationship will remain strictly platonic.” And you enjoy the gym, something that gives you comfort, nourishment… what I see is that you already trust yourself to remain platonic 🙂 Now, it is just a matter of strengthening that view and yes, finding peace within.

    One day, you will look back to all this and laugh, there is always a path to joy, and you are already on it, dear sister 🙂

    With much warmth,
    Helen

    #61073
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    There is so much good in Helen’s response!

    #61074
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I’ve been following this thread with some interest. It seems to be a triggering topic.

    I have to say that I really loved Helen’s advice and point of view. You can’t control who you like, and I somehow don’t see anything wrong with feeling affection towards someone. People come and go in and out of your life and we feel something towards them. I derive pleasure from feeling affection towards someone, regardless of who they are. It doesn’t mean that I want to possess them or have them. I just enjoy their presence, that’s all. Perhaps if it’s seen as this fleeting moment in life, it doesn’t become an obsession or anything more than what it is. Controlling and denying makes it a bigger deal than what it is. In my humble opinion.

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