Dear Anita,

Yes it is online dating, I don’t know why, but I don’t feel ready to write on my profile that I am not looking for casual dating.

I feel like it is not something very natural, even if the whole process of online dating is already not very natural!

Helen

Hi Anita,

Thanks for responding to me. Unfortunately, I do think the differences is too important, he has been in a long term relationship and don’t want to be involved in something more than casual.

However, we both appreciated our evening together, everything was very smooth and I feel at ease with him, no red flag from my body or my mind except of course the fact that I don’t want casual sex and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

He will leave in a couple of weeks for a one month trip so it will make it easier to move on, I guess.

I feel like I should celebrate the fact that I could practice my assertiveness because it aligns with what I want in the long run and appreciate these moments anyway, but my brain is still processing a lot.

Helen

Dear Anita, dear Prash,

Thanks for both of you. I am confident that I will emerge as a stronger person. I can already see that even if it is painful, I don’t blame myself for not being enough in this relationship and I did my best giving the circonstances. I don’t feel guilty and ashamed because I was able to close the door of this relationship bravely. Unlike some of the crushs I had earlier this year, I don’t feel like I am all broken. I didn’t write an angry message or a hopeless one, I was proud of what I wrote and I know that I won’t regret it.

From what I can already see and feel (I am confident enough that I will learn more and gain more clarity), this experience gave me the opportunity to clarify my needs; this relationship was confusing because I didn’t know what I wanted from this, I was afraid to have needs. I had always associated needs with selfishness, something that I learnt at a very young age. When you don’t know what you want, you don’t know what you are looking for.

At first, it was painful to acknowledge the fact that even if I was respectful, reach for clarity and honesty, he didn’t act that way. I felt diminished, had the feeling that I didn’t count, that these moments didn’t count because he didn’t close this relationship respectfully. But i realize that I count and him being a coward has nothing to do with me, it is his only answer right now and I want to be with someone who claims his responsibilities for his acts.

I also realize that I have a great circle of friends that support me when I fall and I am grateful for that. I didn’t take them for granted but sometimes you feel the love more intensely. And this community is full of open hearts and mindful people that help me grow in the path I chose.

As Susan Jeffers stated in her book “Feel the fear and do it anyway”, this man was not my life. It we were meant to be, we would be. If not, so be it. I trust that my subconscious mind and the universal energy are creating the perfect relationship for me. I can let go, trusting that everying is happening perfectly. My life is full. My life is rich. There is nothing to fear.

I am kind enough with myself to accept the ups and downs, I am patient enough, time will help me to heal.

Thanks again,

Helen

Dear Anita,

Thank you for your kind message, I really appreciate.

Have a wonderful day,

Helen

Dear Anita,

In “Insecure in love”, the author mentionned for dismissing/avoidant people that “generally unaware of their feelings, dismissing people aren’t fully equipped to cope with emotionnally upsetting experiences. For instance when their partners aggrave them, they try to minimize or deny their anger. However, that anger continues to exist under the surface, often making them tensed and unforgiving.” So maybe it can be something that explains his behavior, because he offered me to date people quite a few times. Does he think that it will be a way to live again his pain and to direct his anger?

From what I can read from his reactions, last time we met he criticized and dismissed when I acted kindly, I didn’t change what I did but his perceptions on my kind actions changed. At my last text message, he finally answered me that he didn’t have any problem with our relationship, he felt that our relationship is going well but he didn’t know why, he wasn’t in the mood and I noticed that so he prefered to space out the dates.

I agree with him, I prefer to space out the dates too and let it go.

Helen