Thank you once again!

I assure you your list did not bore me. Your comprehensiveness is actually one of my goals since I became interested in film. I am very aware of how much there is to explore, and how I can start with so many countries. So I do also think it’s wonderful that this is available to people who don’t have enough money to travel.

The Youtube channel is Channel Criswell.
My favorite video is the one about Colors, but I love all the other videos as well! He has analyses, reviews, videos on film theory, tributes to specific Directors, etc. Not too many yet, because I think it’s quite new.
There is also another channel, however I only watched one of its videos so far: Every Frame is a Painting. I think I started subscribing to others however I will not name them until I’ve watched them all. Instead, there is a lot to see in the related/suggested videos list.

Also, I think you may want to see this list:

5 Mind-Expanding Films That Will Make You Rethink Life

I did not watch them all but I am planning to. I’ve seen glimpses of Samsara at the very least, I fully watched The Waking Life, and I’ve added Andrei Tarkovsky into my queue because of Channel Criswell

From what you mentioned, I’m only familiar with the names of Stanley Kubrick, Akira Kurosawa, Ingmar Bergman, Martin Scorsese, and Woody Allen. I haven’t watched a lot yet, but I really want to see most of their films. I just have to get better at time management first!

I am familiar with The Criterion Collection. Yes, I did start to notice that the films that had that label were often very good.

I’m still a bit shy about my list. It’s still small and random, because I’ve really only just begun my journey!

So far these are the only directors that I think I’ve seen enough films of:
Jean Luc-Godard – one of the pioneers of the French New Wave
Wes Anderson – may at times have serious themes but I like the aesthetic and humor of most of the films
Hayao Miyazaki – animated and always heartwarming! Channel Criswell actually summarizes EVERYTHING I want to say about his films, especially about the quiet moments and… basically he says it the way I want to.

I have a bit of a hard time choosing favorite films. I think it’s because I haven’t seen too many, yet.
And most of what I see, really impresses me (anything that isn’t too cliche, of course!) I wonder if I’m impressed by so much because it all seems so new to me? I have a hard time “categorizing” new information at the moment.
This is also why I have a hard time talking about these things in person 🙁 I have to decide very hard first… I’m too nervous choosing anything if I don’t perceive myself to be well-versed.

But basically I am planning to watch most of the films that Channel Criswell mentioned (I get intrigued just by looking at the short clips/scenes. It’s really great that that is enough to entice me. Surely enough, I’ve already seen some of them, and they never fail to impress me!) as well as follow specific directors.

Have you by any chance studied film in an academic setting?

I also would like to send you a private message about something else (still film related), but I don’t think this site has that feature. Is it okay if I email you?

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by helleia.

You know how some parents automatically enrol their children in workshops and summer classes?

I WISH my parents did that for me or at least encouraged me, from a young age.

They definitely let me do things, if I ask. But I have to be the one to ask. I had to be the one to find things that were right for me. They didn’t give me much of a “taste” of diverse things, at least.

I did mention about theater, for example, but that would be nice if I was younger. Because I am so busy right now and my parents being retired, I am concerned about asking too much from them (Workshops are expensive).

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by helleia.

Dear anita,

You said: “It is my guess that you were not born with an abnormal need for deep interactions that a normal family could not satisfy. It is my belief that you are very likely to have been a child with normal needs and your family, your parents did not satisfy your normal needs.”

Possibly. But I am not sure. There are so many factors that could have made things happen. I don’t think I can blame most of everything on my family. My siblings have turned out more socially adapted. They have their own problems, and their problems are simply different from mine, that much I can say. So in that sense, why did I have the problems that I had, and my siblings did not have the same problem?

In terms of what I know from family history, my parents did not change very much. Maybe they worked more, perhaps, and got older and more tired when they get home. But that would be speculating.

Maybe it’s just the age gap. They’re now in their 60’s. I just turned 20. Perhaps, the larger the age gap, the less there is to talk about. If you noticed when I talked about my siblings, my brother, who’s 37, became most similar to my parents in terms of life direction (he has his own interests and hobbies of course that are different from my parents).

It might also be because my dad would have more to talk about with my brother, compared to us daughters. My mom seems to be just there to care, not really to talk.

You also said: “Maybe you now have a need to … be different and so you present thoughts that I can’t follow, thoughts that are too difficult for me to understand, like in your last two paragraphs.”

I’m sorry about that. Haha. I’ll try to explain. I just mean that in my old social context, my old school, there was less diversity, and I did not really see any people that I feel “drawn” to. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t interested in becoming friends with them. But I had more insecurities back then, and I wasn’t really sure I can relate to them. In my current social context, that is, college, I start to see more people who I really, really wish I could get along with, but now realize how inferior I feel in comparison to them. I have not been blessed with like-minded friends when I was younger, so now there really is a GAP in our mental developments. It’s like I see these people (the ones I yearn for) as being like me, however, being a more “mature version” of me. But since I have not matured in this age yet, I am very, very nervous when I try to talk to them. So it’s sad because social isolation in the past begets more social isolation in the future. It’s a spiral effect. Unless, of course, I work hard to break the pattern. Definitely, some patterns have already been broken. I just have to keep at it.

Reflecting more about what my family has done for me, no one can really tell, no outsider at the very least, that there is anything wrong with my family. They would even think that it’s one of the healthiest families they see and I’m quite lucky to be part of it.

Sure, healthy as in an absence of too much drama or issues. Socially, my siblings grew up quite normally, or at least they learned to adapt a little sooner rather than later. However, I do know that one of my sisters has also been bullied, but it had the opposite effect on her, which made her chase people. while being bullied made me withdraw into a shell, it made her keep trying to adapt herself too much to the people around her, to the point where she had become confused of her own identity. In her own words, she “got involved with the wrong crowd”.

My other sister has also had awkward tendencies, but she’s really quite the most friendly person. She has made friends with very diverse people, a lot of people from other countries and beliefs as well. She tells me she’s shy and I guess I can see that because she’s not too loud or charismatic. But she makes an effort to be friendly to people, that much I can see. Her personal drama I guess would be between her and our parents. She had been the most rebellious. She is kind of a hippie, you see, and many of her beliefs do not coincide with my parents’. However, my parents have become more open-minded (or at least more tolerating), and they never stop being loving to her. My sister just has a tendency to be impatient and quick-tempered, so that has contributed a bit to the difficulty of her relationship with our parents.

My brother, well, I don’t know much about him, because he’s the oldest and doesn’t live with us right now. From my perception, he is the most similar to my parents in terms of values I think, because he is married with two kids and works a stable job. My two sisters have been a little less consistent when it came to their jobs.

So in our house as it is right now, I live with my parents, my two sisters, three cats, and my grandmother lives in the neighboring house. The first sister I talked about is moving to her own condo soon. She’s already like… 28 though. Haha. Also she’s been with her boyfriend for years but hasn’t married yet. Maybe she doesn’t ever want to? I don’t know. I don’t really want to ask her because I’m shy. This is the sister who I said I wasn’t really close to, but at least we’ve talked and bonded a bit.

Hmm, of all the family members, you’d think I’d be satisfied with my other sister, because she seems to fit the description of being more “different” and open-minded to various other things. That’s true. Now that I think about it, I’m guessing that it’s because she is only one person, and a community of such people would be more right for me. At least a small group of friends. You can’t hang around one person all the time or else we wouldn’t be able to give each other privacy.

If she was my age, maybe I’d be more satisfied. She’s 31.

And I guess the fact that she didn’t even talk to me until I was older was… well, not that I hold any grudges or anything, but I think she was probably not the same type of person when she was younger, either.

And now I grew up in my own head and I have gone in too deep, and there are still some things about me that she can’t reach. Am I doing this to myself? Am I the one who’s making it hard for other people to reach me? It is hard for me to pretend to be otherwise. To be not who I really am.

But to have a more peaceful social life, I sure do wish I could pretend. If I have Theater lessons, I may be able to help some of my social anxiety. I met someone (briefly, don’t think I’ll ever see her again because she is not a schoolmate and it was during a workshop of some sort) that had been in Theater and I would never have guessed she was actually an introvert! She said she still has trouble expressing her ideas, but nonetheless, I wish I had what she had! She seems so friendly! But it is surprising that even the people who appear most friendly are also the most unsure of themselves inside (like she said there are many times she does not know what to say). I, on the other hand, worry about looking like a snob or a serious person.

Hi Nina Sakura. The first thing I noticed about you is your name. I remember watching Ultra Maniac back when I was a tiny kid! 🙂

I would like to know more about you too. What is the title of the post you want me to see?

I wonder if language barriers also apply to our home. They speak Tagalog more, as well. There are lots of ideas I can’t exactly share with them… Although occasionally, deep topics can be discussed, but they’re limited and it depends…

I’m not sure why I grew up differently from everyone… Maybe because of the TV, and the internet age? I mean, my siblings watched TV too… I think it might also be because of my cousin, who was my playmate quite often. She was more fluent in English.

It could also simply be because of genes. They say things get a little bit difficult if you were born after your mom was 40. I must have been born with a slightly different brain. And you can’t discount the generational gap. I guess they assumed that I would be just the same as them, but I am different. They do not take that badly. I just feel isolated.

I’d say that before fifth grade was quite peaceful and normal. My parents are “the typical parents” – which is how my siblings and even my cousin describe them. Maybe a little boring but they are caring and we are financially stable. The large age gap with my siblings made it hard for me to be close with them, but I was never scared of them until after fifth grade. I became scared because I generalized them to my peers, I generalized them to a group of “young-ish teenaged or young-adult-minded people” who seemed to be “cool” and have certain expectations from socializing. However, it’s a lot better now, because my confidence increased after starting college. But I guess there is still a residual anxiety when it comes to talking to one of my sisters. The other sister is fine however, we are like buddies. The other sibling is a brother who lives in the US right now.

I have happy childhood memories. It seems “too normal” that I don’t have anything notable to say about it. If asked, I can name some various memories but that might take too long again. A lot of them are mundane, some of them are amusing and nice to remember.

I’d say internet addiction after 5th grade delayed my healing, however I did grow a lot in other areas, particularly in brainy pursuits. And it made my perception of the world quite deep and colorful.

I wasn’t really specific on what “trauma” was. I think it was more of a mixture of difficulties in that year. Bullying was not physical, more on verbal and emotional. They mocked me and it was pretty obvious that people outcasted me and thought I was different. I’m pretty sure my crying in front of them exacerbated it.

When I got older, it died down a bit. Bullies stop paying as much attention to you when you stop reacting. That’s when I learned to be silent. However, I wasn’t very good with making friends. My mistake was that I didn’t move schools because I thought I would have just as hard a time. You know why? Because I internalized my problem and thought I carried it. That I carried the “defect” with me.