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Jana 🪷
Participant*central America, of course
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Jana 🪷
ParticipantCan I ask you …? And of course, you do not have to answer. I understand that I might be too inquisitive.
I guess from your journal that you are originally from middle/south America. How did you get to the U.S.? I mean it had to be very challenging for you to move somewhere unknown while you were facing so many troubles. You are very brave!
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Jana 🪷
ParticipantHello again!I will write my thoughts in one post and I would love to hear your points / experience, Helcat, Anita and Roberta (and of course, others are welcomed to join the dicusssion, as well.)The reason why Buddhism resonates with me so much is that its basic principles and core idea – the total peace of mind – agree with my nature. It’s like someone finally told me that my qualities are good. (Unlike in real life, when I have been constantly interpreted as and criticised for being “too passive, unsociable, reserved, aloof, strange, …” The only person who has ever told me he likes my personality is my boyfriend. I remember him telling me about how he was captivated by my calmness.) I find my refuge in Buddhism. And the Four Noble Truth and the Noble Eightfold Path seem completely natural and logical to me. But I’m certainly not saying that’s the case for everyone. I mean Buddhism is for everyone (This is another aspect I like about Buddhism – the openness to diversity. It doesn’t matter if a person is Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, black, indigenous, white, strong, weak, … all without distinction have the right and chance to reach true peace…), but it doesn’t have to be everyone’s way to peace. You can choose your own way – that is important.
But although this is my life philosophy, I will definitely not give up my own reason and critical thinking at the expense of it. And although I really respect personalities such as the Dalai Lama or Thich Hanh, I will not blindly follow them, because I am a different person in a different historical and cultural/social context and I am also on a completely different spiritual level. (much lower level than they are)I have my own “theory” about these levels. In my opinion, there are three crucial “capabilities” of our mind, which more or less influence what we can and cannot understand:
1. Intelligence2. Emotions3. SpiritualityAnd different people are at different levels of these capabilities. For example, some people can be very intelligent, but their emotional level can be quite low and spiritual level undeveloped. It doesn’t mean they are better or worse. They are just at different levels, nothing else. I’ve used this “strategy” to avoid judging people. I think that the compassion strategy which is in the link is great, too. BUT …
Let’s take the story “Jakarta”. I haven’t read this story, but I believe that I get the point. So, this is how my mind reacts now:1. my spiritual side – From my lay buddhist point of view, I understand this. There is no birth and death, only continuation. I sacrifice myself for a good cause, create good karma, and just transform into the next life…
2. my emotional side – Compassion, empathy, higher good… but also discomfort, uncertainty… because my emotions don’t like sacrifice.. my emotions perceive sacrifice as something negative
3. my rational side – According to Buddhists, being born as an animal is a “punishment”, it is a lower, worse form of life than humans (which I strongly disagree with, btw) because they have no intellect and thus cannot ruminate about good/bad, let alone make decisions based on good/bad… So how logically could Buddha in animal form sacrifice himself for a higher good? If animals are unable to tell difference between good and bad, how possibly could he make such a noble decision? That’s a contradiction, isn’t it?
So, I do agree – compassion yes, but in moderation, middle way and common sense. All factors must be considered, individuals, specific situations and these capabilities of people. I think telling someone who is being abused to be compassionate is also a source of bad karma…
About good/bad path… I think that I’ve always chosen a good path…I mean, of course, I did something wrong but I don’t remember that I ever consiously chose the “bad path” (can you maybe be more specific? You don’t have to, of course) … but I think I was born good and with tendencies to be good and calm… I really believe in goodness and on my emotional and spiritual level I want that goodness to be in others… I wish… But I know – on my intellectual level – that it’s not like that in reality. I would like to be able to change evil people through compassion… but I know very well that this is not possible…or at least I myself am not able to do that (because my capabilities are not developed enough to do so). I have to accept this.I might add more later. Have a great day! (It is 18:11 here)
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Jana 🪷
ParticipantHello Arden,
I don’t think that what you have decribed is a friendship. It sounds like a pretty competitive environment, which is not a friendship (let alone sisterhood). You mentioned you know “some nice non-selfish women, but somehow we did never became close friends. Maybe it was boring between us.” Can you think about it and try to figure out why exactly? Because I think that a nice non-selfish woman would love to listen to you, help you in crisis… sounds like someone you could rely on.
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Jana 🪷
Participant(I have sent a longer reply to all, but the post is awaiting moderation)
“I could have chosen to continue the generational cycle of trauma. But instead I chose to break the cycle.”
That’s great! And if I understand correctly, you managed to do so because you decided to take some bad decisions?
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Jana 🪷
Participant(I have sent a longer reply to all, but the post is awaiting moderation)
What do you personally think about the story? : -)
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Jana 🪷
Participant“I want my mind and life to be further free of her, I want this wound to further heal.”
It is your path. I am glad no one managed to lead you astray from your path. You keep going, going forward and you will heal in the end. I know it.
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Jana 🪷
ParticipantI have been happy recently. I didn’t even know what happy means until most recently. I used to.. hate the word “happy”, and here I am, happy. I feel that I am over my Mother-Monster, like I finally- after a half a century- moved on from her, leaving her behind, in my mind.
I didn’t know what happy means until the last couple of days, I mean HAPPY within myself, being happily okay.. being ME. Being okay with being clumsy and weird perhaps, and not being afraid anymore of being negatively judged.
This is all not a rational- dry experience but an emotional experience. All of my life, I was not okay about being me.
Now, as imperfect and humbly humble as I am, I am perfectly okay being me.
I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU. <3
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Jana 🪷
ParticipantHello again,
I am very glad that you have apparently found the core of the problem. Have you decided to take any further steps?
BTW, Anita you would be a great therapist, do you know about it? : -)
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Jana 🪷
ParticipantHello Helcat, Roberta and Anita!
I’ll be back on Saturday when I have more time to read your answers carefully. 🙂
I must say that I am very happy to find you here on tinybuddha, because you are all very clever, supportive and openminded. I feel here much better and safer than on other forums/discussions of Buddhism where some members are too conservative
I’m looking forward to Saturday 😊
(I am writing on phone – hope it is ok to read my message, the text editor doesnt work well on phone)
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Jana 🪷
ParticipantI hope we’re still okay. I “feel” that you are not comfortable with these Buddhist topics and I now understand that you are probably not a lay Buddhist like me, which I really don’t want to bother you with.
I’m going to retreat from tinybuddha for a few days to clear my mind, get some new energy and also prepare for the winter – there’s a lot to do outside.
Take care! 🙂
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Jana 🪷
ParticipantHello Louise,
I completely understand that in crises one can act rashly and make some mistakes. But there’s no need to punish yourself for that. Now you’re here and now. Take your time, take a deep breathe and you will gradually figure out what to do next.
I’m new here and still a bit hesitant to join the forum as someone who should give advice. (especially regarding relationships as it’s a very sensitive and individual thing)
However, have you considered carefully whether you want to go back to your boyfriend because you genuinely miss him or whether it’s more out of a “false sense of security”? What about the other man? Where is he now?
Also, I was wondering if maybe you have the opportunity to buy/rent your own house/apartment in a place you really love and start building a new chapter of your life?
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Jana 🪷
ParticipantCompassion is not pity or self-sacrifice.☀️
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Jana 🪷
Participant“I can feel a warm connection to them only as the babies and young children that they were before they became bad people. I feel connected to them only in the sense that they are waves (unfortunately, some are huge waves) in the ocean where I am also a wave.”
That’s nice and useful advice on how to maintain the buddhist “neutrality of mind”. I find this advice on cultivating compassion for others very useful, as well. I found it here a few weeks ago: https://zenhabits.net/a-guide-to-cultivating-compassion-in-your-life-with-7-practices/ Although I realize it’s very hard to feel compassion for really bad people, I personally believe it’s something to strive for… to get more of those nice waves in the ocean… you know.
I’m sure it’s a good thing you were able to end all relations with your mother. She sounds like a sadistic person to me. 🙁 Perhaps one day (or more likely in one of many afterlives) she’ll come to peace… but more important is if you’re feeling better today. And I hope that you are not alone and that you are surrounded by people who protect and love you.
As for my mom, we like and respect each other. I’ve been with my boyfriend for 9 years and I think she knows very well we’re happy together and she likes him too. She was just projecting her ideas and desires onto me… but I think that she understands that I am not her and lets me live the way I want today. (BTW she’s got three other kids and she’s already got four nephews and one niece and will probably have some more in the future by my younger brother, so she can’t really complain about anything. 😀 )
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Jana 🪷
Participant“I’m curious, do you remember ever consciously choosing the good path?
My initial reason was not necessarily a good one, but it was very effective. I simply didn’t want to become like the person who hurt me.”
Now I’m not sure what you mean. Do you mean it in the context of the path to Buddhism or my practical life?
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