Home→Forums→Relationships→Feeling so lost after leaving
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November 12, 2024 at 6:14 pm #439303LouiseParticipant
Sorry if this is long. I am feeling so lost. I was in a relationship for 15 years, we lived together for 6 years. For the past few years I no longer felt physically attracted to my boyfriend and I didn’t want any intimacy with him, or even physical affection. However we still got along well as friends. I know he wasn’t happy with this situation but he tolerated it. I would often spend a few months away travelling alone over the winter, which he also tolerated. On the last occasion I met another man. We started messaging each other and this went on for months after I returned home.
At the same time my mother died very suddenly and unexpectedly. Long story short, I decided I wanted to leave my long term relationship and do more travelling, have more freedom and also because of the new man I had met. He supported / encouraged me in doing this even though we had not discussed any particular long term plans together. My long term boyfriend asked me one day if I still wanted to be in the relationship with him as I guess it was clear I was very disengaged. I said no not really and proceeded to prepare to leave our home, and go travelling with no base.
So I spent 6 months sorting out things after my mother’s death, clearing and selling her house and trying to come to terms with the loss, whilst at the same time packing my belongings into storage and selling some things to go away travelling. All the while messaging the other man and meeting him a couple of times (we live in different countries so not much chance to meet so much and with everything that was going on).
Once I had left and set off travelling on my own I initially felt good but after only several days I was hit by feeling terrible, distraught that I had left my home and essentially made myself homeless, lost any sense of security and since then (about 2 months) I have struggled every day. I am still travelling – something I have always loved in the past – but I feel completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy it. I don’t know what on earth to do. I think about contacting my ex boyfriend as we are still in contact and asking if I can come back. I also regret selling furniture of mine … I was so carried away with planning this future life of travel and meeting the other man in various places, it felt like the right thing to do. But so soon after my mother’s death as well, it all seems crazy now. I know our relationship wasn’t good but we were good friends and I liked where we lived.
I know I have done so much wrong and I feel extremely foolish that I did all this and that I didn’t realise how I would feel after doing it. I don’t know how to feel better. I know I did all this myself and brought in on myself but that just makes me feel even worse. I can’t enjoy anything now. I just spend most my time feeling in a panic about what I am doing with my life and wishing I could turn the clock back and go back to how my life was before.
November 12, 2024 at 6:53 pm #439304LouiseParticipantI guess I just don’t know how to accept my current (self created) situation or if I can accept it. I feel if I hadn’t met the other man I would not have left my boyfriend, but probably carried on as things were at least for some time. Or at least not left at this time while dealing with the grief from my mother’s death. So I feel like I rushed into a decision not for the right reasons, but influenced by someone else. But I am very confused by my own feelings as I thought I wanted to do this, travel long term, and now I don’t want to be doing it, I just want to be back home.
November 12, 2024 at 7:36 pm #439305anitaParticipantDear Louise: I hope that soon you will no longer feel lost. I will reply further Wed morning (Tues evening here).
anita
November 12, 2024 at 8:15 pm #439309LouiseParticipantThank you Anita, I look forward to your reply
November 12, 2024 at 9:48 pm #439310Jana 🪷ParticipantHello Louise,
I completely understand that in crises one can act rashly and make some mistakes. But there’s no need to punish yourself for that. Now you’re here and now. Take your time, take a deep breathe and you will gradually figure out what to do next.
I’m new here and still a bit hesitant to join the forum as someone who should give advice. (especially regarding relationships as it’s a very sensitive and individual thing)
However, have you considered carefully whether you want to go back to your boyfriend because you genuinely miss him or whether it’s more out of a “false sense of security”? What about the other man? Where is he now?
Also, I was wondering if maybe you have the opportunity to buy/rent your own house/apartment in a place you really love and start building a new chapter of your life?
☀️ 🪷
November 12, 2024 at 11:49 pm #439312LouiseParticipantHi Jana
Thank you for your kind message. You are right I need to stop beating myself up about it because mostly what I do at the moment is go over all the things I could have done differently and how my life might feel better now if I had. But I know by doing this I am making myself more unhappy, I don’t really know how to stop though.
I am considering my feelings for wanting to return to my ex boyfriend, just as you suggest, which is why I am not doing anything about this at the moment. I don’t really know how I feel, if it is mainly the security and my home I miss more than him and the relationship. I guess I have lost my mother and him in the last 6 months, probably the people I felt closest to and who brought me the most security in my life. But prior to this I had for some time thought about leaving every now and again.
Before we lived together I lived on my own for ten years, and I grew to really like it. For most of those years I was in the relationship with him and I liked that, living separately but seeing each other regularly. As soon as we moved in together I felt what I would say is probably a similar panic to what I feel now, that I had left my old home and my previous life and moved away and didn’t have my own space anymore. Maybe I just find change very difficult, although I love travelling and the idea of not being tied down, it is a conflict inside me. The longing for freedom but then for security too. Most my adult life I have been in relationships – I think they call it a serial monogamist. But at the same time people always think I am very independent as I go away travelling a lot on my own in an adventurous way. I also wonder if it is a case of the grass is always greener – I tend to crave excitement, especially in a relationship, and with travelling, and am easily bored. But maybe this is indicative of another problem and I need to learn to accept a relationship as it develops and becomes less ‘exciting’ rather than looking for something new, which I think is what I tend to do.
So yes, to rent or buy a place on my own, though financially difficult would be good, also I don’t know where or where I could afford. If I had enough money to easily do so I would definitely get my own place and probably prefer this to moving back in with my ex boyfriend. I just realise I had a good life living with him that possibly I would struggle to afford on my own but I know finances are not a good reason to get back together with someone.
The other man is still on the periphery. When I left to go travelling and then was hit by the distraught feelings of being lost and missing my home I found myself craving security from him and feeling irrationally annoyed with him as I felt partly I had left my home because of him and yet he still had his nice home. I didn’t tell him these feelings as I felt they were my issue and not his, it was my decision to leave, though I did feel he encouraged me but probably only because it appeared to him that it was what I wanted to do. I had planned to go somewhere where we would meet up, but due to my feelings, and also practical reasons as I had to go back home to clear out my mother’s house, I cancelled this trip and didn’t see him. I felt in such an insecure mess that I didn’t think it would be a good time to see him, when I felt that I might put all my insecurities onto him and things might all go wrong,
Since then we have kept in touch but not as much, I think he was confused and felt like he was just waiting around to see me. Especially as I subsequently travelled to the other side of the world without seeing him first. He later told me he was hoping I would suggest going to visit him before I left but as his communication had dropped off prior to me leaving I had no idea that he wanted me to visit, I thought he had lost his feelings. Bearing in mind that though we have been messaging and talking almost daily for 10 months we have only spent a few days together in all this time on 3 occasions so we don’t really know each other that well.
A few days ago he suggested he could travel to the country I am in and we could meet up. Part of me would love to see him and spend some more time together, see what we really do or don’t have between us, but part of me feels a bit scared as I know I am still not in a good place mentally, and again I don’t want my current insecurities about what I am doing with my life and feeling lost to come out into our relationship.
Thank you again for taking the time and replying and sorry my message is so long.
November 13, 2024 at 1:06 am #439314LouiseParticipantI am in such a beautiful place and I feel so unbearably unhappy. I keep obsessing over furniture I sold that I really like. It was like I just lost my mind.
November 13, 2024 at 8:10 am #439323RobertaParticipantDear Louise
I am sorry that your mum passed unexpectedly. You have had a lot on your plate dealing with her estate and your yearning for freedom from a relationship that was not fulfilling you and now you are feeling adrift.
There is not a lot of point discussing should have, would have as this will only pile on the misery. When you notice one of these disturbing thought/feeling arise gently tap your heart & say it is okay & it will be okay. This way you are not suppressing or ignore those feeling, your acknowledging them but not adding to them. The other technique to bring you back to the present is the 54321 technique Name 5 things you can see 4 things you can hear 3 things you can smell 2 things you can feel the touch of 1 the taste in your mouth.
If you want to continue with your travels checkout the workaway site where you exchange food & accommodation for about 25 hours work. This will give you built in companionship and save you money and have new experiences.
Roberta
November 13, 2024 at 8:26 am #439325HelcatParticipantHi Louise
My condolences for the sudden unexpected loss of your Mother. Would you like to talk about that?
I’m sorry to hear about the breakdown of your relationship that has been in the works for many years.
It sounds like you are re-evaluating your life after the loss of your Mother which personally, I think is a healthy thing to do even if it is scary.
Travelling is nice, but if you don’t have the finances to support that you do have to cut back instead of relying on someone else to fund your lifestyle.
These are painful realizations but not unhealthy ones. I think that it’s good that you are finally being honest with yourself about these things.
Now you can start to plan how you would like to manage this new chapter of your life.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 13, 2024 at 12:27 pm #439336anitaParticipantDear Louise:
As I read your posts, I had this image of a girl running away from home.
“we lived together for 6 years. For the past few years I no longer felt physically attracted to my boyfriend and I didn’t want any intimacy with him, or even physical affection“- emotionally, you ran away from the home you shared with him.
“I would often spend a few months away travelling alone over the winter“- physically, you ran away from the home you shared with him.
“I met another man. We started messaging each other and this went on for months after I returned home“- emotionally, you ran away with another man.
“Long story short, I decided I wanted to leave my long term relationship and do more travelling.. and proceeded to prepare to leave our home, and go travelling with no base“- more physical running away, only this time with no home to return to.
“Once I had left and set off travelling on my own I initially felt good but after only several days I was hit by feeling terrible, distraught that I had left my home and essentially made myself homeless… I am still travelling – something I have always loved in the past – but I feel completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy it“- generally, a child/ teenager who imagines running away from home (a place where there’s ongoing, unresolved conflict, maybe abuse, a place where he/ she feels constrained, bored and misunderstood), sometimes develops a romanticized view of running away from home, seeing it as an adventure or a path to freedom. They imagine life on the streets as exciting and free from rules, where no one can tell them what to do. This idealized view- and euphoric feelings involved- often overlooks the harsh realities, such as the dangers, hunger, and cold they might face.
Faced with dangers, hunger, cold, they may return home and feel a combination of emotions among which is Relief (a sense of safety and comfort in being back in a familiar environment) and Guilt (Feeling ashamed for having run away and the worry they caused their loved ones).
In your case (and I understand that you are an adult), you had no home to return to, so no Relief. No Relief => feeling terrible, distraught… completely lost and depressed and unable to enjoy.
“I just want to be back home… I guess I have lost my mother and him in the last 6 months, probably the people I felt closest to and who brought me the most security in my life… Before we lived together I lived on my own for ten years, and I grew to really like it. For most of those years I was in the relationship with him and I liked that, living separately but seeing each other regularly. As soon as we moved in together I felt what I would say is probably a similar panic to what I feel now… The longing for freedom but then for security too. Most my adult life I have been in relationships – I think they call it a serial monogamist. But at the same time people always think I am very independent as I go away travelling a lot on my own in an adventurous way… I tend to crave excitement, especially in a relationship, and with travelling, and am easily bored“- seems to me (and please correct me if I am wrong), that growing up in your original home was a mix bag of Comfort and Conflict. There were long periods of time when you felt trapped and bored at home, yearning for freedom and excitement. Fast forward, as most often is the case, distressing childhood experience is re-experienced in adulthood.
If I am correct, your childhood/ growing up experience of conflict, entrapment and boredom needs to be addressed and processed. I hope to read your response to my thoughts and to communicate further.
anita
November 13, 2024 at 1:14 pm #439340LouiseParticipantThank you all for your replies.
Anita – I think you have really hit the nail on the head. I felt quite emotional reading your reply. Because yes, I think everything you say is true
My childhood home was very difficult. My parents argued and fought constantly.. We lived in the middle of nowhere, so I had no ability to get myself away from the home. I was dependent on my parents to drive me to visit a friend. So I felt very trapped in this place where my parents were constantly shouting and screaming at each other. My father had mental health issues . But also as a young child, I would get very homesick if I went away from home even for a night.
As a teenager, I had a lot of conflict with my parents and I did run away from home a few times.It kind of feels to me now like now I am not running away from anything, ie I have nothing to return to, I’m not enjoying my travels which I usually enjoy very much. It all feels a bit aimless. I have thought before about the running away thing But I had no idea was that as you say, I would not be able to feel any relief once I had given up my home.
The fact is now it feels really unbearable. It is 3 am where I am. I cannot sleep. My mind is constantly full of these thoughts and just wanting to go back home. It really feels like a crisis and in the moment I don’t know what to do.
I understand you are right. I need to work through these issues, but I have no idea how, they feel so deep rooted. You may imagine I am younger but I am in my late 40s. I guess I have been like this my whole life and I have no idea where to start. All I know is, I feel this desperate urge that I have to go back home.
Thanks again I really appreciate your insight. Any advice on what I can do would be welcome because I feel in such a terrible place at the moment.
November 13, 2024 at 1:17 pm #439341LouiseParticipantI feel like the way I am feeling is really so deep-rooted. I can think of all the practical rational things I could do now with regards to my travel, But I feel in a constant state of panic Which I think is to do with the not being able to get relief from going home so it’s very difficult for me to do anything or make any decisions.
November 13, 2024 at 1:27 pm #439342anitaParticipantDear Louise:
I will reply further Thurs morning (it’s Wed early afternoon here, but I slept so little and so poorly last night that my thinking is very slow and getting slower). But for now, regarding “It really feels like a crisis and in the moment I don’t know what to do“- call a friend now, be it very early morning where you are at, call the man you’ve been in a relationship for 15 years. Let him help you, have you in his home for some time, as a friend. You need help/ social support. Can you do that, call him, that is?
anita
November 13, 2024 at 1:41 pm #439348LouiseParticipantThank you for your reply, Anita, Especially under the circumstances where you are so tired and have had poor sleep, I really appreciate you getting back to me. It means a lot to me that someone on the Internet would make the effort to do this.
I have actually called my ex-boyfriend over the past days and told him how I’m feeling and I’m pretty sure he would let me come back and stay. He has said this. I have also been calling friends back home to talk to. So yes, maybe I should go back. Is this what you were suggesting? I have vaguely planned to meet this other man out here but Maybe that is not a good idea. Though I feel I have messed him around so much already though Changing plans. But to be honest, our communication is pretty poor at the moment anyway. I don’t hear from him very much.
Thank you again for your reply when you are so tired and no worry to reply to this now.
November 13, 2024 at 1:56 pm #439349LouiseParticipantI guess also I just fear if I go to his house, I will just want to be away again. It sound silly and superficial, but I am somewhere warm and sunny and back in my home country it is the winter which always makes me a bit depressed anyway. But the way I am feeling, I’m not appreciating being here anyway and just feel awful most of the time. There is a town I could go to in the country. I am in where there will be people that I know who I have met several times, spent time with and become friends with. I keep thinking I could go there maybe I would feel better. But then part of me just wants to go home.
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