Forum Replies Created
November 17, 2023 at 2:42 am #425096
I hope that you are well. I am glad that we agree on the importance of genuine friendship where we feel equal. I understand what you mean by one-sided relationship. It’s very generous and kind of you that you had reached out to your friend and I find it simply rude that she didn’t show up. Maybe she couldn’t but she could have told you in advance. I really don’t know why it has become so difficult to communicate when we have all the tools of the universe. Life worked fine – or even better – without cell phones. When we agreed with my friends that we would meet somewhere in a few days, it worked out perfectly well. I could find streets with a paper map as well. I am not against technology but I notice some regression since we have the option to communicate so fast. I love my Google maps and other gadgets and wonder sometimes how I could even exist without it before 🙂
Yes, you are right, we must learn from our experiences. I have realized it and learned my lessons. I still love and miss those lost friends but it was their choice to leave me, so I cannot do much about it.
I understand your dilemma about the situation. It’s so hard. You know her very well, so just follow your gut feeling. Maybe you could explain to her in a letter how you’ve been feeling for a while, that’s why you end the relationship. I think it’s a respectful way of ending a long and deep friendship.
I am sure that you will take the good decision, let me know about the progress.
EvaNovember 16, 2023 at 2:05 am #425070
It’s nice to see you back. I am so sad to read about your friendship ending. Every friend is so precious and I always think it will last forever whatever happens – call me naive or idealist. I am convinced that good friends can talk about issues and explain things – even if things end with a separation, I would need to talk it out and understand what had happened. Unfortunately it’s not always possible.
So if you’d like to share more or discuss point of views, let me know. I’ve lost a few good friends lately, so maybe an outsider point of you could be helpful or comforting .
I can only repeat what Anita said: try to go out and connect with other friends or even strangers. Go to movies, to theaters, to markets or for a swim. That’s what I do in order to focus on more positive things in life.
I hope that you’ll feel better soon! Hugs, EvaOctober 16, 2023 at 1:22 pm #423434
I meant smily faces, not smoky…October 16, 2023 at 8:42 am #423161
Thanks very much for coming back on this. Yes, we certainly attract people with our current vibes. I think I got attracted to these people because they showed a different face of theirs. A smoky, cool, fun, enthusiastic face. I didn’t know their other face – which is only shown at home or once they get kinda used to you. No clue. One thing is sure: they seem to have two faces. In both cases I have cut contact. As I explained it previously, unfortunately I don’t see any other option right now. I have tried many things during the last year but I only got ignored or hurt. As much as it hurts me, I have to understand that tjis is the only way to protect myself and not waste my time. Life can get quite surreal with a narcistic person, who contradict herself 3 times in one sentence, who can explain everything, who is always right, who is always late, who has 0 empathy and always talks badly even about her best friend 🙂
Wish you a lovely week and thanks again for your thoughts.October 14, 2023 at 3:40 am #423099
Thanks so much for your kind words, they made me so happy.
I think this space is here to help people, not to judge them. If one needs advice, we can give our opinion but it’s up to the person to make his/her own decision. We can agree or disagree with it, but we are not in the situation, so cannot judge adequately, in spite if the empathy we might feel. So if you decided to cut your mother off, it’s your decision and nobody has the right to criticize you for that.
I hope that you are enjoying a nice weekend!
Catch up soon, EvaOctober 11, 2023 at 7:34 pm #422995Dear Tammy87,I am sorry to hear about the bully. I didn’t imagine it so bad. It seems that this person is toxic. I fully understand that you feel your feelings have devalued. I would trust my gut feeling. If you don’t trust your best friend any more and you see her much less anyway, then stop seeing her. You don’t even need to explain why. If this causes you so much pain, it’s no use to carry on seeing her.October 11, 2023 at 7:16 pm #422993Hi Anita,I am surprised that you thought I would criticize your answer. You – very kindly – have spoken very frankly about your own experience with your mother in order to help me. I guess it’s not easy to talk about it.I only had to do with a narcistic person – whom I don’t love as deeply as you love/d your mother! – for a year. Even during this short period of time she managed to confuse me completely, make me feel stupid, question my own sanity and hurt me. So I can definitely feel how horrible it was for you to live with such a person for years. Especially with a person whom you deeply loved. I can feel the huge disappointment and I am not surprised at all that you cut her off. There’s no other option in the end. Even if we miss and love that person. There’s no other option because these people cannot act otherwise. They were hurt so much from a very young age that it’s too late now for them to change. They developed a narcistic behavior as a defense mechanism. They would need decades of therapy to realize what’s going on and I am not sure that even that would help.I think of my friend every day and would love to catch up but I won’t. Because I know that we would get back to the same pattern as before. And – as I said previously -, it’s useless to tell her anything, she doesn’t even let you finish a sentence. She knows everything better, can explain everything. So, unfortunately, we can only disappear quietly. Otherwise we go nuts.I am happy that you have become who you are today. And I am certainly not the only one who thinks so on this forum 🙂October 11, 2023 at 4:22 am #422959
Correct version …’ve been thinking about your question and I can only say things from my perspective. I understand your pain, I think I would be hurt as well in a similar situation. But you say it happened a few years ago. So if I understand it correctly, you’ve been spending time with your best friend in spite of the fact that she was seeing the bully person.
Has your best best friend’s behavior changed since she was seeing Ms. Bully?
I would talk to my best friend openly and honestly about my feelings and would ask her what she finds so attractive about Ms. Bully. Maybe , now that she has children herself, Ms. Bully has changed during all those years and regrets deeply that she had hurt anyone. She might have even forgotten the incident. Who knows. So many things can happen in a few months!
As I said, this is just my opinion, I am not in your shoes, so you decide what to do.
I hope that whatever you decide will be the best for you and for your friendship! Good luck.October 11, 2023 at 4:10 am #422958
I’ve been thinking a out your question and I can only say things from my perspective. I understand your pain, I think I would be hurt as well in a similar situation. But you day it happened a few years ago. So if I understand it correctly, you’ve been spending time with your best friend in spite of the fact that she was seeing the bully person.
Has your vest best friend’s behavior changed since she is seeing Ms. Bully?
I would talk to my best friend openly and honestly about my feelings and would ask her what she finds so attractive about Ms. Bully. Maybe , now that she has children herself, Ms. Bully has changed during all those years and regrets deeply she had hurt anyone. She might have even forgotten the incident. Who knows. So many things can happen in a few months!
As I said, this is just my opinion, I am.not in your shoes, so you decide what to do.
I hope that whatever you decide will be the best for you and for your friendship! Good luck.October 10, 2023 at 10:29 pm #422950
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Dear Anita,</p>
I am so sorry you had this experience with your mother! It’s a miracle that you survived and became a normal, loving person, full of empathy. It shows how strong and intelligent you are. Through my experience with my friend – which is really nothing compared to yours -, I can fully understand that you have cut your mother off and will never get back in touch with her. I cannot understand that even after she understood how much she had hurt you, she cannot make an effort. It’s probably stronger than she. She’s been conditioned like this by something she might not realize.
Luckily you did, you escaped.
Thank you so much for answering my question so honestly. You don’t know how much I appreciate it! I hope it was not too hurtful to dig into these emotions again.October 9, 2023 at 1:57 pm #422901
Tues morning, in about 16-20 hours from now is perfect 🙂October 9, 2023 at 1:20 pm #422895
Thank you so much for sharing your experience with your mother! You read my thoughts. Since you mentioned her, I’ve been wondering how you dealt with the situation as a little girl and what kind of boundaries you had built up to protect yourself. It must have been terrible to realize who she was. How old were you when you had figured it out? Is she still alive? Do you have siblings or you are an only child? If you don’t feel comfortable with answering all these questions, no problem, I will understand. I probably cannot even imagine the pain somebody can have when s/he understands that s/he doesn’t exist for her/his mother. S/he is just a thing to feed. It must be terrifying.
I find it interesting that you think they manipulate out of habit. It means that they don’t even understand they hurt people. It means that we cannot even talk about it because they wouldn’t understand. At least that’s how I feel with my friend. She’s always right, the whole world is wrong, she can explain everything. Nobody can argue with her. Her truth is universal. So I think it’s better to disappear and say nothing.
Thanks again for sharing, I appreciate your honesty very much!October 7, 2023 at 5:49 pm #422859
I am sorry about your mum having a narcistic personality. It must have been terrible to realize it. But it certainly helped you develop your fantastic skills. Learned in a hard way.
It’s interesting what you say about being stuck in a childhood development stage. Yes, she probably loved her mother, although she says no. Very complex case. Who would have thought! I have still no answer to my message of a few weeks ago, so I will not react. It’s difficult for me not to check on her but I have to learn and change behavior, otherwise I will fall into the same pattern all the time. It’s just difficult to understand that someone tells you she loves and trusts you and when you are not around she forgets about you, you don’t exist anymore. I am wondering whether she does it on purpose. Is she able to calculate how to use people ahead for months? Or is it spontaneous, she cannot help it. In both cases, I think that she would need therapy. A professional help. But obviously, I would never dare to say that to her.
Thanks Anita for your help, it’s always a pleasure to read you.October 5, 2023 at 5:51 pm #422744
Thank you for your exact analysis. You are absolutely spot on. How do you do that?
You are right that my Swiss friend had issues with the boyfriend. I think they broke up later. She was downloading all her frustration on me, telling me all kind of negative things about him and about all her friends. But later she went back to him and acted very friendly with her friends. Go figure out..
You are right about my French friend as well. It’s all about her. You cannot finish a sentence, she interrupts you, your life is so great but hers is terrible. I just lost my mother but she never asked how I was. When I had my mammography- a few weeks ago – she told me to have a great time. She trashes her friends behind their backs and pretends it’s fine. Last year I thought she was under this visa stress, that’s why she had so many meltdowns. But now she got her visa and things are not better. You are right. Nobody else exists. I really feel sorry for her husband. It’s difficult to believe that this charming, smiling, happy go lucky person can turn into this frustrated one who seems to hate everyone. Very strange. You are right about the lack of love in her life. She said her mother disliked her, she doesn’t have one single positive memory of their relationship. She is 67 now. She was apparently not loved by her first husband and she never loved him either. Somehow they made 3 children but never lived together. She chose to live on another continent with her children and her husband provided all the money for it. She doesn’t love her actual husband and she knows he does not love her either. It is quite possible because last year he asked me 3 times if I knew someone who could marry her. First I thought it was a joke but later I realized that he might have been serious. Now I even think she goes after money because her actual husband is extremely rich and she had made him change bank and she is telling him to sell his properties and buy new ones etc. She promised to sign a prenup but somehow it didn’t happen before the wedding and until today. I don’t know what else is on her mind but I really don’t want to know more 🙂 All in all, I feel light and relieved to be out of her dramas. I am maybe naive and first I always believe what people tell me, that’s why I end up in such weird situations. I will think about it.
Thank you again, Anita.October 4, 2023 at 10:01 pm #422723
Thanks for taking time for rereading my posts. That’s correct, except that I never stay at friend’s place, unless they ask me to. They offer and they say I can stay as long as I want to. The friend in Switzerland offered me her flat but she was not around. She had a boyfriend and stayed with him most of the time. I maintained her flat, cleaned etc and when she came home for a night, I would cook dinner. I am definitely not a parasite-style and usually I stay even with family 2 days or maxi 5. As my friend didn’t have other issues than the honey pots and after buying 5 brand new and special pots I thought the problem was solved. That’s why I was shocked by her unfriendly behavior.
The other incident happened last year. Another person, in France, offered me her place. She exclusively invited me. It’s a very big, a huge house, so everybody has privacy. I started to do the laundry, huge bedsheets, her and her husband’s clothes. I ironed everything. I was taking care of the plants – it takes 2 days until you water the garden if one wants to take care of them properly. I fixed her pool which took weeks because it hadn’t been maintained properly. I took care of her 2 cats. I help preparing food, serving to guests, cleaning up afterwards. She and her husband travel a lot, so I would stay in the house during that time. She tells me she can only trust me. This summer I had to leave for 10 days because a good friend asked me previously to her, to cat-sit. I told her about this date before I arrived at her place. But 2 days before I left, she asked me to cancel him and stay in her house because she could only trust me and she had to be in the US during 5 weeks. I told her that I wouldn’t cancel my other friend. So she had to pay 600€ for someone for 10 days. Just for watering the plants. She was very upset about paying someone. She never tells me ahead about her schedule. So I am often there alone, I cannot really leave the property because she is afraid that someone would break in. When she is there, she tells me about all her childhood and mariage problems. She yells at her husband every day. Often because of small things like he ate a boiled egg! She is extremely friendly and kind when we are with others and that’s how I knew her. But at home it seems that she is frustrated, impossible to please. She needs audience I guess and I think that her husband and I are boring after a while. Last year she knew that I would eventually leave before winter. In October I told her I would leave in the end of November because I had stuff in Asia. Actually, she suggested that I ship everything from there to her place in France, so we can start our business. That’s what she promised several times already. When I left, she stopped talking to me. A friend of her told me that she was very upset because I left. But she never told me. She just cut me off. Somehow we started to chat when mum died in March. She asked me on May 26th if I could fly to her place on May 30th. I said yes. I arrived and the next day they were gone for 3 weeks. I didn’t know that. We were supposed to work on our business plan. I am happy to help her out and I feel for her – she needed to get married because of an overstayed visa issue. The relationship was not working at all but she had no other solution. So I understand her frustration. Anyway, I said yes, but I told her I needed to go back to carry on with the admin stuff after mum’s death. She said ok. But in between she had to leave again and asked me to stay a month longer. Which I did. But it was always clear that I would leave. So now she cut me off again. That’s why I think she is narcistic. Sorry for being so long but I wanted to highlight a bit more the situation. I really don’t like to stay at people’s place for a longer period. If they need cat or house sitting and they ask me, I do it. I don’t get paid, I do all the housework. I don’t pay for the room but I am very energy-conscious and i don’t use a lot of electricity. I don’t take long showers either. I often cook my own food. I left this friend’s house in France 2 weeks ago because I still take care of my uncle and have to carry on with the admin after mum. I wrote to her and no answer to my messages. So I guess she is upset again. These silent treatments are very difficult to stand and I told her once. But it seems that it was useless. Why does she tell me she trusts me and love me if once I leave, she doesn’t keep in touch. I think a friendship can be maintained even when we are in different countries.
In a nutshell, she wanted to do business with me years ago, she asked me to stay at her house, she is upset when I am not there. Her idea 2 years ago was that she would put one of my articles to her etsy page, just to see if it sells. I said ok, so I went to my storage in another country, 800 km away and brought a few articles. It costed me money and energy. Etsy has never happened. Instead she recreated all my logo and texts without even asking me. When I went to cat-sit to my friend’s, she told me I should be paid. I didn’t need to do anything, just take care of the cats and she wanted me to ask money for it. I work hard to maintain her property during weeks, months, and she doesn’t pay me, but she wants me to ask my best friend for money. I am really confused what’s going on in her head. I am not complaining about the situation, I just wonder why I got into it again. I won’t repeat it, for sure. She can tell me she loves and trusts me, I will stay away 🙂