Alessa, I didn’t notice your last post at 4:09. I’ll come back tomorrow to answer to you.

Meanwhile Anita (and others) can share some experiences, thoughts and support. 🌼

Looking forward to you!❤️

Hello Alessa and Anita,

yes, I agree that my childhood could shape my need for flexibility. But at the same time, I believe that we are not tabula rasa and our genes also determine what our personality will be like. I know that I was happy in independent and flexibile environments even before being bullied. The same applies to my introversion.

I believe that this is also a very important part of my internal validation – to accept that this is me. I am not only a result of some external – mostly negatively perceived – “influence”/”force” such as the then education system and my parents. I find my introversion, sensitivity and need for freedom as a part of my true self. 😊 And it is a part of self-compassion, as well.

In my opinion sticking to rules, plans and goals can bring more of dissapointment in our personal lives. If we cannot follow the rules, achieve the goals, we might feel as a failure. And it is then more stressful than beneficial. Of course, it depends on context. I do like following the eightfold noble path because I can see it makes sense for my life. I agree with these rules because they lead to becoming a decent and kind person. I don’t see any troubles here. However, I don’t punish myself when I cannot follow the rules. I am a human being with flaws… In this context, what is important for me is the effort.

Being flexible brings me more feeling of being free and independent. “Okay, this didn’t work. I can find another way, another solution.” There is no evaluation, measerument of success or failure. I feel happier because I have more possibilities and freedom in choice, I guess. I’m a person who prefers to react to a situation rather than plan it. And when the plan is wrong… just imagine… so much energy, effort and time invested in following a plan, while I might have missed something great because I didn’t notice it at all because of blindly following the plan. It is again about the context. 🙂

Was it therapy or some other situation(s) that helped you with self-compassion?

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is very interesting to read different points of view on self-compassion and the struggles connected to achieving it. We are the same, but different. The same in our essence, but the stories are different.

What was your perfectionism, Anita? I remember that I used to be a perfectionist at university, which brought me good results and some form of recognition and acceptance (which I strived for – feeling accepted and recognized was the drive for me to be “perfect” that time). Now, looking back I can see how impermanent my goal was. I worked hard, studied all nights, got great grades, got some approval from a professor from time to time and then… it all could begin again. I never satisfied my need to be recognized and accepted…

What kind of affirmation do you use? And what happened that you no longer feel “cringe” saying nice things about yourself, Alessa? I have this experience, too. I’ll elaborate more about it later. (My dog is crying outside and I need to go to take her for a walk.) And do you mean that you are still in touch with your inner child, teenager etc. and this way you cultivate self-compassion, or you have always had different feelings about yourself based on your age?

Please, share more! 😊 🦋

Yes, I agree! 🙂 But don’t you think that external validation is impermanent?

This is a bit harder for me to explain. I might have been lost in translation.

Some people will not give me validation because I do not fit into their own internal validation. For example, someone can be angry with me because I’m a calm and quiet person. And my nature, the way I am, doesn’t give them their internal validation (because they are talkative and wild, for example).

And some people will give me validation but when they find out that something has changed with me (my opinions, ideas, behaviour…) and I do not fit into their own internal validation anymore, they will stop giving me validation.

If it makes sense.

After the few months since I wrote this post, I realized that the main reason for my fear was that I was looking for validation from people. Now I know that I don’t need it because external validation is impermanent.

There are only a handful of wise people who do not fall for this. And if you know them, you have them around, cherish them. ❤️ But always rely on your own internal validation/acceptance of yourself. ☀️