Hello Anita,

thank you! I was a little hesitant to burn the journal. It is interesting to read through one’s history of memories. But I couldn’t relate to most of my thoughts in the journal anymore. I have changed a lot… It was me writing that, but it is not me anymore… It is a bit strange feeling… I am trying to acknowledge that old me, it was here, but I do not need to hold onto it anymore… I perceive that as a kind of “bridge” between my innocent me and the me I should become… I guess that one day I will forget myself even now in my thrities… And I won’t be able to relate to this “old self” which is writing this now… maybe it is the result of the impermanence, the inevitable change.

By the way, how have you been? Do you work in countryside (I think I read it in your journal)? What do you do in your free time?

📔 it is January 22, 2025, 13:00 here …

I was reading Peter’s thread about journals. It is funny that it appeared here now because I decided to burn my old journal a few days ago. I was thinking If I should post there… but because my memories in my journal were not so… poetic, I decided I would write a few words about it here. I don’t want to spoil the good mood in Peter’s thread.

I found a quote “You are what you think.” in my journal with a lot of drawings. I am not sure I understood it back then. Well, I am not sure I understand it even today. I have experience that mind and body can work independently… when I had social phobia and I was working on my healing with EFT, I couldn’t overcome my troubles with shaking for very long time… My mind felt no fear anymore… but my body still remembered… It took more years and more work to heal my body, as well… it is too easy and simple to say “You are what you think.” We are much more complex than we think.

But what really pierced my heart (and still does) is Madonna’s song:

This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need of a friend
Why did it have to end?
And why do they always say?

Don’t look back
Keep your head held high
Don’t ask them why because life is short
And before you know you’re feeling old
And your heart is breaking
Don’t hold on to the past
Well that’s too much to ask

This used to be my playground
This used to be my childhood dream
This used to be the place I ran to
Whenever I was in need of a friend
Why did it have to end?
And why do they always say?, no regrets

But I wish that you were here with me
Well then there’s hope yet
I can see your face in our secret place
You’re not just a memory
Say goodbye to yesterday
Those are words I’ll never say

This used to be my playground
This used to be our pride and joy
This used to be the place we ran to
That no one in the world could dare destroy

This used to be our playground
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
I wish you were standing here with me

This used to be our playground
This used to be our childhood dream
This used to be the place we ran to
The best things in life are always free
Wishing you were here with me

It reminds me of my childhood escapes… and the places I hid when I couldn’t take the suffering anymore. A lot of despair… But today it is a form of nostalgia, which sometimes helps me realize how much I did and it is good I am here and now…

Because I was thinking about committing suicide many times back then (a lot of memories in the journal…). There was no way out of it for me. But luckily I always had a little… little, tiny… light inside, which always gave me hope that this couldn’t be the end. My story will be longer…

I didn’t like a post, which appeared here today or yesterday, in which the OP despises someone else who committed suicide “because of a girl”…

Be kind. Life is not that simple… Remember that what you say/write here or in your real lives, you will never take back. The words will stay with you forever. And they are your indelible imprint…

(continued later)

Hello Helcat,

take your time and relax. I hope your son is well soon! Sending a lot of love and strength. 😊

I am happy to read it, Anita. 🙂

I believe that the middle way is the right way.

Giving emotions too much space and freedom can be dangerous. Suppressing them is dangerous, as well. We need to be aware of our emotions, take care of them with mindfulness. This way, we can always be in charge of our emotions… with love and understanding.

And it leads to the cause and effect… even though he couldn’t hear the gossips, he can feel that energy… and can get more and more distant.

Hello Anita,

It is true. 🙂 Why did you realize that lately? Somebody drew your attention to it?

It is an interesting topic. The facial expression can be tricky. People very often relax the muscles on their faces when they are not focused and then they can appear upset or sad. However, the fact is that they are just resting. I also notice that people who work with computers and are very focused on the work, have worried or upset expressions on their faces. But again, they just subconsciously relax the facial muscles and thus look tired, worried or sad. So, someone’s facial expression doesn’t always really correspond to their actual mood.

Some people sometimes ask me: “Why are you sad?” But I am not sad. It is only that my facial expression when my muscles are relaxed seem to be sad.

*I am not angry, or afraid (not fearful)