Dear Devin:

It sounds like you put a lot of effort and heart into your relationships, which shows how deeply you care for those you love. It’s natural to want that same level of care and effort in return. Feeling like you’re giving more than you’re receiving can be really tough and disheartening.

Relationships are about balance and mutual respect. It’s important to feel valued and appreciated for what you bring to the table. If you’re consistently feeling like the other person isn’t meeting you halfway, it might be worth having a conversation with them about how you’re feeling. Sometimes, people might not realize the impact of their actions, and a heart-to-heart talk can help bridge that gap.

Additionally, it’s important to remember that your worth isn’t determined by how much you give in a relationship. You deserve to be loved and cared for. It’s okay to set boundaries and express your needs. Being a “needy freak” isn’t a bad thing—it’s a sign that you know what you need to feel secure and happy in a relationship.

Taking some time to reflect on what you want and need in a relationship can help you find balance and ensure that your efforts are reciprocated. You deserve a partner who appreciates and values you for who you are.

If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to share your thoughts, I’m here for you.

anita

Dear devin:

Indeed, like Jana said, we need more context. Your original post is only 4 sentences long. Yet, in this reply (my 2nd) I want to get the most out of the little you shared:

“I feel like I’m just kind of a need freak and that I shouldn’t be like this.”- this term, “need freak” reflects your feeling that you need more emotional support and validation than your partners provide.

Characteristics of a “Need Freak”: frequently seeking reassurance from partners about their love and commitment, being particularly sensitive to perceived signs of neglect or disinterest and putting in a lot of effort to maintain and nurture the relationship, often going above and beyond to show care and love.

Certain childhood experiences lead to these characteristics. Here are a few possibilities:

1. Inconsistent or unpredictable love and attention from your caregivers can lead a heightened need for reassurance in your romantic relationships. Examples of inconsistent and unpredictable love and attention from caregivers: (1) a caregiver who is emotionally available and supportive at times but withdraws or is emotionally absent at other times without any clear reason, (2) a caregiver who exhibits unpredictable mood swings, sometimes showing love and affection, and other times responding with anger or indifference, (3) a caregiver who is physically present and engaged with the child at times but frequently absent due to work, personal issues, or other reasons, (4) a caregiver who sends mixed messages by saying they love the child but behaving in ways that feel neglectful or harmful.

Such experiences, over time, lead to feelings of insecurity, confusion, and anxiety in the child. The child (and adult child) may develop a heightened need for reassurance and validation in relationships, seeking to fill the gaps left by the inconsistent caregiving. The fear of being rejected or abandoned can lead one to working extra hard to please others, going to great lengths to avoid any sign of disapproval, giving more than received, and tolerating neglectful behavior to avoid conflict.

Back to possibilities of childhoods that create a “need freak”:

2. Emotional neglect: the child’s feelings and needs were not acknowledged.

3. Conditional approval: if you received love and approval only when you met certain conditions (e.g., achieving high grades or behaving perfectly), you might feel the need to constantly prove herself in your relationships. This can lead to tying your self-worth to how much you do for others, making you feel that you need to earn love and affection.

Being a “need freak” in a romantic relationship can have several consequences for both partners. Here are some potential impacts on the romantic partner: (1) The partner might feel pressured to constantly provide reassurance and validation, which is emotionally draining. They might feel overwhelmed by the constant need to meet the emotional demands of their partner.

2. When the relationship is imbalanced, with one partner giving significantly more than the other, the partner who gives less may feel guilt. They may feel that their efforts are never enough, which can create a sense of burden, and consequently: resentment.

3. The partner might feel that their personal space and independence are being invaded. This can lead to feelings of suffocation and a desire for more distance: if one partner constantly wants to check in, send messages, or call to seek reassurance, the other partner might feel like they don’t have enough downtime to themselves or to engage in their own activities. Feeling pressured to always respond immediately and appropriately to their partner’s emotional needs can create stress and exhaustion. The partner might feel like they have less time, energy or freedom to engage in their own hobbies, interests, or social activities, feeling that they have to sacrifice their personal goals or plans to accommodate their partner’s needs.

Constantly providing emotional support without adequate personal space lead to emotional burnout and resentment towards their significant other for demanding so much of their time and energy. As a result, the partner might feel the need to create physical or emotional distance to regain their sense of independence. They might withdraw emotionally or physically, spending less time with their partner or becoming less communicative.

Moving forward in a situation like this requires open communication where both partners openly discuss their needs for personal space and reassurance, finding a balance that works for both. Understanding and empathizing with each other’s perspectives can help mitigate feelings of suffocation, and establishing and respecting healthy boundaries is crucial for maintaining a balanced relationship.

Both partners should agree on boundaries that allow for personal space and independence while maintaining emotional connection, encouraging each other to pursue individual interests and personal growth. Being supportive of each other’s need for personal space can strengthen the relationship in the long run.

Is this somewhat helpful to you, devin?

anita

Hello Nini 🙂

I understand that he loves you deeply, that you’re devoted to him, and that you feel hurt, sad and disheartened about him not behaving as attentively to you as you are to him.

I can “hear” how much this is affecting you, causing you inner turmoil 😔

You would like to not be affected by the difference so deeply anymore, to “not pay attention to this”.

Maybe it’ll take some exploration before you can answer this question.

Maybe him being less attentive awakens an early wound of the child- you trying very hard to be loved? (a beginning point of exploration, if you would like to engage in such)

🤔 Anita

I understand you wanting to be happy and wish you will.

I will soon be away from the 📱 for a few hours but when I’m back I would like to get back to you.

In the meantime, I woul like to understand how your boyfriend shows that he doesn’t take you seriously, an example or 2 perhaps?

Dear Niri

I have just read your two posts.
I can see two or three things that leap out at me, I could be way off the mark.
He is doing something that is so common place with many humans nowadays, the way they focus more on electronic interactions than human connection.
He tries to reciprocate some of your actions ie writing to you – you judge his attempts ( unfairly?) we all cant be Shakespeare!

It is hard to have a fulfilling relationship at a distance. I would quickly run out of things to say for a whole hour each day. I visit my father in hospital most days & struggle to have something new to say.

My fiancé was not very proactive on the affectionate front either verbally or physically. When we started to live together I did not make a huge demands of him, I explained that a kiss goodbye in the morning & a kiss goodnight each day would help me feel better, yes I did have to gently remind him occasionally, eventually one morning he drove off to work & then a few minutes later he came back I asked him what was wrong he said ” I forgot to kiss you goodbye”

I hope that you can come to some accommodation between your needs/wants & his capacity to give you what you think/feel is the right/appropriate response due to not being heard/seen by other people in the past/present.
kind regards
Roberta

Hey again, Nini 🙂

* “We all can’t be Shakespeare” (Roberta)- I like that,funny 😊

Yet your feelings that eat away at you, Nini, aren’t a funny thing 😐

You need way more attention than you’re getting. For one, because the two of you live far away from each other and you only talk on the phone these days, and second, because as a child, “no one ever listened to (you)”, your words.

How did it feel back then, growing up (and now, as an adult) to not be listened to and to not be taken seriously by your family?

That sounds painful 😒. It creates a need, a desire to be super listened to as an adult, by a romantic partner.. does it?

You may think that him telling you that his favorite color is the color of your eyes is not too much to ask, except that he can’t read your mind and know what you would love for him to say at any one time.

You say that you can read his mind. Wow! I was never able to do that. As a child I tried real hard to read my mother’s mind but I think that my reading failed every time.

Reading your posts, on one hand you sound reasonable, logical, in regard to your expectations of him. On the other hand, I “hear” a hurt little girl who needs the kind of attention she never got: to be listened to, to be taken seriously, that which you deserved back then, and now.

🤍 Anita

Good morning, Nini:

Rereading your posts, I can see that you love through attunement.

Attunement is the ability to tune into another person’s inner world — their emotions, needs, signals, and subtle cues (LIKE a shift in tone of voice/ facial expression) — and respond in a way that makes the other person feel seen, understood, and valued.

You sense what the other person might be feeling, even if they don’t say it directly, you adjust your behavior in a way that matches their emotional state, and you remember details that matter to them because those details help you understand who they are.

Attunement is like dancing. Some people naturally feel the rhythm and move with you. Others love you just as much, but they step on your toes without meaning to.

Nini, you are highly attuned to your boyfriend. He is less attuned — not because he doesn’t love you, but because he’s wired differently.

The mismatch creates pain because you feel unseen and he feels confused about why you’re hurt. You interpret his style as lack of love, and he may interpret your needs as “too much”

Yours is a high‑attunement attachment style. You love by immersing yourself in the other person. This is not “too much.” It’s simply your way of loving.

Your boyfriend loves you — but in a different style. From your description, he is steady, cares for you, tries his best, but is not naturally expressive, forgets details, multitasks, etc. This is a low‑attunement attachment style, but not a lack of love.

He loves differently through consistency, through presence, through trying, through being there in his own way. He’s not withholding; he’s simply not wired the way you are.

The real pain is that you feels unseen- this is the emotional core. You say: “No one ever listened to me… even now my family doesn’t take me seriously.” So, when her boyfriend forgets things, misses emotional cues, multitasks, doesn’t respond with the same intensity …it doesn’t just disappoint you.

It reopens an old wound. It confirms a story she learned long ago: “I am not important enough for someone to pay attention to.”

That’s why “small things” feel big.

(I will continue in the next message)

Anita