Hi Jana

Thank you for your kind message. You are right I need to stop beating myself up about it because mostly what I do at the moment is go over all the things I could have done differently and how my life might feel better now if I had. But I know by doing this I am making myself more unhappy, I don’t really know how to stop though.

I am considering my feelings for wanting to return to my ex boyfriend, just as you suggest, which is why I am not doing anything about this at the moment. I don’t really know how I feel, if it is mainly the security and my home I miss more than him and the relationship. I guess I have lost my mother and him in the last 6 months, probably the people I felt closest to and who brought me the most security in my life. But prior to this I had for some time thought about leaving every now and again.

Before we lived together I lived on my own for ten years, and I grew to really like it. For most of those years I was in the relationship with him and I liked that, living separately but seeing each other regularly. As soon as we moved in together I felt what I would say is probably a similar panic to what I feel now, that I had left my old home and my previous life and moved away and didn’t have my own space anymore.  Maybe I just find change very difficult, although I love travelling and the idea of not being tied down, it is a conflict inside me. The longing for freedom but then for security too. Most my adult life I have been in relationships – I think they call it a serial monogamist. But at the same time people always think I am very independent as I go away travelling a lot on my own in an adventurous way. I also wonder if it is a case of the grass is always greener – I tend to crave excitement, especially in a relationship, and with travelling, and am easily bored. But maybe this is indicative of another problem and I need to learn to accept a relationship as it develops and becomes less ‘exciting’ rather than looking for something new, which I think is what I tend to do.

So yes, to rent or buy a place on my own, though financially difficult would be good, also I don’t know where or where I could afford. If I had enough money to easily do so I would definitely get my own place and probably prefer this to moving back in with my ex boyfriend. I just realise I had a good life living with him that possibly I would struggle to afford on my own but I know finances are not a good reason to get back together with someone.

The other man is still on the periphery. When I left to go travelling and then was hit by the distraught feelings of being lost and missing my home I found myself craving security from him and feeling irrationally annoyed with him as I felt partly I had left my home because of him and yet he still had his nice home. I didn’t tell him these feelings as I felt they were my issue and not his, it was my decision to leave, though I did feel he encouraged me but probably only because it appeared to him that it was what I wanted to do. I had planned to go somewhere where we would meet up, but due to my feelings, and also practical reasons as I had to go back home to clear out my mother’s house, I cancelled this trip and didn’t see him.  I felt in such an insecure mess that I didn’t think it would be a good time to see him, when I felt that I might put all my insecurities onto him and things might all go wrong,

Since then we have kept in touch but not as much, I think he was confused and felt like he was just waiting around to see me. Especially as I subsequently travelled to the other side of the world without seeing him first. He later told me he was hoping I would suggest going to visit him before I left but as his communication had dropped off prior to me leaving I had no idea that he wanted me to visit, I thought he had lost his feelings. Bearing in mind that though we have been messaging and talking almost daily for 10 months we have only spent a few days together in all this time on 3 occasions so we don’t really know each other that well.

A few days ago he suggested he could travel to the country I am in and we could meet up. Part of me would love to see him and spend some more time together, see what we really do or don’t have between us, but part of me feels a bit scared as I know I am still not in a good place mentally, and again I don’t want my current insecurities about what I am doing with my life and feeling lost to come out into our relationship.

Thank you again for taking the time and replying and sorry my message is so long.

I guess I just don’t know how to accept my current (self created) situation or if I can accept it. I feel if I hadn’t met the other man I would not have left my boyfriend, but probably carried on as things were at least for some time. Or at least not left at this time while dealing with the grief from my mother’s death. So I feel like I rushed into a decision not for the right reasons, but influenced by someone else. But I am very confused by my own feelings as I thought I wanted to do this, travel long term, and now I don’t want to be doing it, I just want to be back home.