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January 2, 2021 at 3:47 am #372047
I write after some long time again.
Just wanted to show appreciation of the effort you put into this matter. I took some time for myself, made a break, and finally made a deeper analysis of my life I would say.
My mind feels clearer than before, I know what I must take care of, where my attention should go and so many different things. I might be writing here sometime in the future, but for now, just wanted to say Thank You and letting y’all know that I’m fine!
Wish you all the best!December 14, 2020 at 11:14 am #371043
Dear anita, thank you for taking a deep dive into my posts.
You elaborated greatly on the part about the feel of being useful, how I was kept away from problems in the bubble. That indeed seems to be a root cause.
That’s why I always felt a strong need to prove myself to others.
So it seems to me that’s a fear of rejection.
Now that I think about it I might have cut some friendships before or never dived deep into any because of this fear…
I think I’d need to nose around this theme some more in the near future.December 13, 2020 at 9:07 pm #371030
– whenever they ask you how did your day go, you tend to lie and say that everything is ok- who is “they”? And do you tell them that everything is ok because you don’t want to trouble them, to cause them to worry?
I was talking about my family. And yes, I think that’s the case that I don’t want to make anyone worry.
Other than that yes, you’re correct I probably kept them away all this time from my feelings of unhappiness.
And when I was to show anything it was with anger, I remember. Most likely because I was vulnerable then and afraid to be criticized or something along those lines.December 13, 2020 at 12:09 pm #371008
Thank you for understanding my problem anita, and some useful insights.
Another topic: when your mother asked you if you wanted her to sign you up to an art school and you told her No, she accepted your No. She wasn’t aware that you were afraid to be criticized for your art. She also didn’t realize and/ or didn’t stop your grandmother from criticizing you. This means that she was not close-enough to you. If she was close-enough to you, she would have noticed your fear. If you felt her closeness, you would have told her that you were afraid.s
Yeah, you’re right I suppose. Also, that was happening during the hard and stressful period in my family. They tried really hard to keep me away from the “bad stuff”. I noticed that, as far as I can remember, and wanted to not cause any trouble and just have some quiet time.
You weren’t close with your grandmother, trying to escape her criticism by being a “good boy”- you put quotation marks there because you were faking being good just so to escape her criticism. You were not your authentic self with her.
Yes, and still to this day, I feel the same. I live on good terms, the times of quarreling and blaming each other are long gone.
I feel a similar way about my mom but she seems to understand more I think. But I’m not quite authentic with her too.
I just can’t break the ice. This feeling (fear?) is so strong I can’t fathom it, whenever they ask me how was the day going, what’s up etc. I sometimes tend to lie and say everything’s ok. Although I’m more open to conversation with my mom maybe.
Besides that, in situations where some “romantic” opportunity was emerging and things were getting more intimate or close, I quickly caved in. I was falling back, making excuses that “it’s not the time for this” or “I shouldn’t be doing this” – several times.
It’s like it was a fear of being close to someone, it seems – like you mentioned – I never really been close with anyone. That’s a huge issue for me. I have no idea how to break this ice either.
Your grandmother who criticized you- she too was criticized by others. It is very common for people who were criticized a lot- to criticize others.
Good point, I was reading some psychology book that touched the subject of “passing mental illnesses” through generations. It’s a pattern that repeats, I can see similar behaviors in other family members that I see very rarely. I feel like it needs to be severed that’s why, until I won’t figure it out myself, I don’t want to pass it onto others.
I don’t know how to put this but in order to build myself anew, I must be aware of various distractions and keep myself on guard from them…
That’s why not so long ago I decided to cut ties with some people that I used to know for long periods of time. I know that probably in the upcoming months I will start to feel lonely (and it’s Christmas coming along with New Year’s Eve) and try to find ways to cope. But I’ve had periods of time of loneliness in my life before so maybe that’s why I managed to make that tough choice. Still, it happened so suddenly never expected it to be this way.
But I’m well aware that I need to make sacrifices in order to take care of myself. At least that’s what I believe is right, am I wrong?
What I’m sure of is… I just can’t afford to starve my soul as I did in the past.
- This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by Inquisitive Soul.