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Life obstacles

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  • #375979
    Inquisitive Soul
    Participant

    In the recent years of my life, I knew what I should do, what to focus on, etc. Especially now.

    But the thing is I’ve got obstacles, that I’m not always able to fight off effectively.

    Few months ago I made a critical decision in my life. I had two choices in my view. It was either to keep having contact with that person (which leads to a further group of people) – socialize, do things together, etc. BUT tolerating so many bad influences and behaviors OR say no to all of that.
    I’ve chosen the latter and ultimately cut the contact. Even though, I knew I would have to deal with loneliness. But I’ve been there before I believed I could handle this. More to that – there are dreams my mind is focused on, I was getting away from them as I continued that relationship and as a result began to hate myself for that and pick on others as well as if it was their fault. That was toxic because I was the one who decided to keep going like that. The period of uncertainty was a long one, before I made a final choice, but along the way, I only ensured myself it was the right thing to do and when the catalyst came it happened.

    Now I’m very careful with letting people in my life, I don’t really put myself out there (it’s especially hard during the times we live in now, isn’t it?). I try to protect my life structure and build something that I will know and believe is worth preserving, so even if I meet wrong people in my life it will be clear to me what should I do (to not engage with them out of fear of loneliness, as I did in the past).
    I’m afraid of inviting the wrong people into my life and letting the cycle repeat.

    I know that socializing from time to time is crucial for human beings, so sometimes I might feel sad.

    I’m especially sad when there is nice, sunny, or warm weather outside – knowing people are hanging out, having a good time – it makes me feel somewhat stressed. When I remind myself when I was going out too, I feel like I’m missing out. Ironically back then I felt like I was missing out on spending time with myself, doing “right things” to get my life together (but not always, oftentimes I just had a good time). So when the weather is worse, I don’t feel the pressure as much and it doesn’t affect me in a negative way – on the contrary, it brings me a sense of peace.

    Most of the obstacles are feelings that I experience throughout my life journey, so I cope by for example playing some video games and tending to “stay in that shelter” for a while but in the end, it solves nothing. They are often derailing me off the path that I’ve set for myself, making me post-pone important things for me and ultimately fear of missing out.

    I don’t know what’s the issue.

    Maybe all this time I believed that I’m not enough? In these dark times, I got my mind clouded with negative feelings, I try to fight off by setting myself reminders with positive affirmations.

    It can be hard to maintain good life discipline or mental hygiene.

    Whenever mom sends me a message “how I’m doing?” I always answer “okay”. But it’s not always okay. It’s hard for me to open up, it really is. I also notice a pattern in my family (uncles etc.) that basically everybody is miserable, unhappy, or struggling. I think there is some kind of negative mental conditioning passed through generations and it somewhat got me too.

    I have very few people I can trust or talk to (including online). I see them on very rare occasions, but they have their own lives so I feel I can’t connect with them, or maybe I’m afraid, so I don’t really make any initiatives?

    I got that fear of rejection, so I’m afraid to connect on a deeper level as well.

    From the outside, I might appear a busy person. But I believe it comes out of the need to prove to others, that I’m worth something. Inside, I feel lonely.

    For most of the problems, what might work is standing back look at my life/situation, and understand something from a bigger picture. But I haven’t mastered this just yet. Instead, I react by various coping mechanisms.

    #375988
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Inquisitive Soul:

    In December 2020, you wrote: “I never really been close with anyone. That’s a huge issue for me. I have no idea how to break this ice”, “I just can’t break the ice”.

    Your current thread, three months later is on the same issue, the ice of loneliness: “fear of loneliness… I’m especially sad when there is nice, sunny, or warm weather outside- knowing people are hanging out, having a good time- it makes me feel somewhat stressed.. I feel like I’m missing out.. Inside, I feel lonely”.

    This is how I figure the ice of loneliness/ of social isolation came to be: in your previous thread you mentioned, “issues were happening at home.. the hard and stressful period in my family”, and “times of quarreling and blaming each other”. In this thread, you wrote about your family: “basically everyone is miserable, unhappy, or struggling”-

    – growing up in a distressing environment, where people socialize in ways that cause distress, no wonder you wanted to escape that kind of socialization in any way that was available to you, including escaping into video gaming: “I found some escape in video games but it wasn’t as extreme until I discovered online video gaming and indulged myself in this thing for years upon years”.

    Fast forward, (1) you tend to feel distressed when in social situations, just as you felt in your original social situation aka your childhood home, (2) you still find comfort in being by yourself, just as you did then, and (3) you still feel lonely, just as you did then.

    That ice is fear (“fear of rejection, so I’m afraid to connect on a deeper level”), anger perhaps at having been rejected,  and it is the habit of not connecting, the habit of being by yourself.

    The solution, if I may suggest one: (1) express your fear and anger, (2) form a new habit, that of connecting with other people. Start small, then patiently and gradually build and expand your ability to connect and your comfort level connecting with other people.

    anita

     

    #375990
    TeaK
    Participant

    Dear Inquisitive Soul,

    It appears to me you’re caught in a conflict of whether to choose yourself or others. When you’re with others and socializing, it usually turns out to be a bad influence on you and you’re forced to cut them off. In other words, if you open up to others, it might cause you harm. But if you’re alone, in your “shelter”, you feel lonely and you harm yourself in different ways, by e.g. indulging in video games. So you end up feeling bad in either scenarios. Am I guessing this right?

    You say: Whenever mom sends me a message “how I’m doing?” I always answer “okay”. I’ve read your other thread, and based on your discussion with Anita there, it could be that you’re repeating the pattern you’ve seen in your family. They were trying to protect you from family problems, and now you’re trying to protect them from your own problems, by not telling them the truth of how you’re feeling. But the price of that is loss of closeness and intimacy.

    Maybe you’ve got that pattern going on with your friends and acquaintances too – perhaps you’re showing a particular “front” to them, e.g. of a busy person, or a successful person, while you’re not really sharing your deeper thoughts and feelings, perhaps your doubts and struggles too. This might be why you attract a certain type of friends, which later turn out to be not the best influence on you.

    Do you think this might be a part of what’s going on?

    #376070
    Inquisitive Soul
    Participant

    Thank you for taking the time and interest in my thread.

    Anita, I was aware of these things for the most part when writing this post but wasn’t sure what I should do about them.

    Thank you for your suggestions and for pinpointing every detail one by one, it made me see things even more clear.

    Maybe you’ve got that pattern going on with your friends and acquaintances too – perhaps you’re showing a particular “front” to them, e.g. of a busy person, or a successful person, while you’re not really sharing your deeper thoughts and feelings, perhaps your doubts and struggles too. This might be why you attract a certain type of friends, which later turn out to be not the best influence on you.

    That is a very good point, TeaK.

    And yes, now I can see what exactly the pattern is and that is, as you said “They were trying to protect you from family problems, and now you’re trying to protect them from your own problems, by not telling them the truth of how you’re feeling”.

    I believe I should focus on:

    – being more open with my problems, not trying to hide them on every occasion possible – talk about my emotions;

    – starting to gradually and consistently communicating with other people.

    Thank you again, these things seem simple but sometimes a person can’t see them while imprisoned within its own patterns/habits.

    #376071
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Inquisitive Soul:

    You are welcome. I like your two points plan: (1) to be more open about your problems, and (2) communicate with other people gradually and consistently.

    As part of the second, being an inquisitive soul can come handy: learn the art of asking people questions about their thoughts, opinions, values, feelings, life circumstances.. bit by bit, gently and not judgmentally, so to not overwhelm people with questions, appear intrusive and make them uncomfortable (I am still learning this art myself). This way you will get to adequately know individuals and decide over time what if any relationship you want to have with him or her, plus, lots of people like to talk about themselves and are drawn to people who are curious about their minds, hearts and lives.

    anita

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