Hi Tannhauser,

I’m so sorry you have gone through so much. I don’t share the same supernatural beliefs as you so I am not sure what advice to offer you except that our attitude toward our suffering can make it even worse. Just waking up each day and playing your music might be your purpose. Try to surround yourself with as many positive people and influences as you can and appreciate every ounce of pleasure in this life. I think you should talk to someone beside your parish priest with more experience with these types of issues.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Mark.

Hi mapleleaf68,

Depression can be heavy. I had a depressed ex-girlfriend, and she said even things like cuddling and telling him everything will be all right can make things even worse. I think you just have to give him the space he needs to work things through while still being there when he needs someone. Perhaps find out the specific reasons why his ex won’t let him see his kids, and then he can prove that he is working to address them. Depression often means you are moving away from something you should be moving towards. Just trying to start to make things better should hopefully start to help him. There tends to usually be a lot of bitterness in these types of disputes, so perhaps working with a positive third party can help.

Hi Tannhauser,

I have gone through similar experiences are you. I think I may be able to help you with some of your questions.

I have also experience the numb detachment inside. I have read it is actually a sign you may be getting closer to your purpose in life. Find that purpose and I think things will get better.

It sounds from your description of your path that one of your purposes may be to help people heal. I have read many healers undergo deep personal trauma in their youth. Google “healer”. I think I may be a healer, too. I personally have found that when I focus on trying to help others with no thought of a reward I have undergone the most positive change in my life. Try to stay present-minded as much as possible to help with your mental well-being. I have heard when our mind wanders we are always making ourselves unhappier.

Trust me when I tell you that there is hope. They say one of the best indicators of greatness is one’s ability to endure suffering. Hang in there. Let people into your life who can help.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 4 months ago by Mark.

Hey humour,

I agree with Anita that your attitude is likely making your anxiety worse. That’s the Power of Attitude: you could see it through that lens, but there is also another lens you can see it through that is a lot brighter. It sounds like you have a job you love that challenges you. That is not something everyone can say. Appreciate what you do have. If constant progression is required for your job, make goals and then break down those goals into smaller steps until you reach them.

Guided meditation (as little as ten minutes a day) might also really help with your anxiety. One key insight I learned recently: all feelings begin with thoughts. Meditation helps you to notice your thoughts and not get caught up in them. You can do this type of mental training without meditation (I avoided it for a long time because it was “boring”), but formal meditation really helps a lot. I recommend downloading Headspace or Calm. You can try either one free.

Hey liquidsnake,

Thank you for the additional information — it really helped clear up the nature of your relationship. First, a year and a half is a long time for a relationship to last, especially without being physical. I think sex tends to be what some couples latch on to and make them stay together even after the relationship fizzes out. I respect your discipline to keep things on only an emotional level, but that can be so fragile, especially when one or both members have a tendency for jealousy (I am the same way, but my tendency is to try to get some distance rather than beating up every guy I see around her, which also might have been what her tendency was). So it may not have been anything you did that caused it to end, nothing you could have done to save it.

I have been there, man — the cold aches in your gut when you wake up, the depression, the constant thoughts of her. It’s brutal. I wish I could say something that would help make you feel better, and I would if I knew the right words or advice, but I don’t. I think all you can do it give it time.

I have this little “wisdom book” that is a collection of countless self-help books, and every time I read a problem I flip through it to see if there is some advice I could give that could help, and I thought this could help you: “Everyone wants to be loved. But before you can be loved, you have to make yourself lovable. Nurture yourself without concern for a reward and the reward of love will find you.” When the pain subsides some, maybe try some inner-reflection and make some goals about the person you want to become. For example, you say you can’t quit smoking. I have been there, too! I assure you that even though it may be one of the most difficult things you’ve ever done, you really can quit. Try to identify your weaknesses and turn them into strengths. Who knows, maybe once you start to focus on yourself and how you can improve, she will come back into your life, or maybe someone you love even more will.

And cut yourself a break. You seem like a guy. Good luck with everything.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 5 months ago by Mark.

Hi Laure,

I think most of us have felt this way at some point in our lives. I know I have. The breakthrough for me was realizing friends or a lover is not going to make me happy. Both types of relationships can add a lot of drama and negativity to life. What will make me happy is doing more of the things that I love to do and less of the things I don’t like to do (such as being around negative people or people who just want to use me somehow).

They say that peace is a requirement for a happy life. What brings you the most peace? What makes you feel best at the end of the day? Do more of this! Perhaps you will meet someone who also loves to do these activities, which will probably make you way more compatible than someone you met in, say, a bar.

Speaking of meeting people, sites like meetup.com or okcupid.com could connect you with hundreds of people.

One last piece of advice if you are seeking change is to make sure it is realistic and positive change. Create some goals that you want to work toward. Even as little as three weeks is enough time to make a serious transformation of your life. Imagine where you want to be in, say, a year. Choose the one goal you think is most important and ask yourself at the beginning of the day, “What is one small step I can take to get the ball rolling (or keep it moving) as I develop into the person I want to become?”

Analisa,

Please don’t torture yourself. There is no way you could have known. You are only adding on to what is probably the worst feeling a human being can have.

I know this means nothing now, but they say that all humans have a baseline level of happiness. Grief and despair clouds our baseline, but no matter what happens eventually we will return to our baseline. They say it’s about three months. Hang in there. Let others help and support you.

In the meantime, practicing awareness can help start to tame some of the thoughts you are having. Listening carefully, following your breath (noticing where you feel it the most), and even wiggling your toes can really help with staying out of your own mind and develop some much-needed peace. Anytime you start to feel your thoughts begin to add on to the pain, just cut them off. Don’t get caught up in them.

It also may help to learn something new, such as a language, drawing, or an instrument. I know it’s hard to imagine learning at a time like this, but I have found when I am learning I am not thinking about what is bothering me. Even just a few minutes reprieve from your thoughts to start can really help. Then these stretches can start to expand, and hopefully eventually you will find yourself back around your baseline.