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So terrified of being alone forever.

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  • #110466
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi all, I thought I’d write in and reach out as I am in quite a dark place. I have developed this overwhelming fear that I will be alone for the rest of my life and it has been something which has been consuming so much of me.

    I am 25 years old and was in a 7 year relationship from 17-23 with such a wonderful guy who I split up with on amicable terms. Him and I are still very close friends and I do not have any residual feelings for the relationship. Very soon (too soon really) after our break up I entered a short lived relationship of 2 months with a guy who kind of swept me off my feet. I was so reluctant to enter a relationship as I wanted to be single but I felt such a deep connection with him and felt this may have been a rare opportunity. Turns out this guy showed some behaviours which made me feel so depleted. One day he would be amazing, the next he would shift to become a very abrasive and inconsiderate boyfriend. I reluctantly ended this relationship and he put all the blame on me for the relationship not working out. I am so ashamed of myself as I am still yearning for him one year after breaking up with him! He is haunting me so much that I have moved to a totally new city as I couldn’t bear the idea of bumping into him ever again.

    I have been living in this new town for 6 months and although I like it more than my hometown, I am quite scared and lonely. This loneliness, teamed with the last unsuccessful relationship has made me feel that I might never experience a healthy happy relationship again, that my healthy relationship of 7 years was just an anomaly and that it is over for me. I’ll be honest I don’t want a relationship right now as I am well aware that I am not emotionally stable enough and would much rather establish myself in this new town and know myself outside the context of a relationship before I commit to another person. However, I experience so much fear that that person will never be out there when I am ready.

    I tell people about my fear and many tell me that I am being absurd, that I am kind, attractive and intelligent and will definitely find someone in the end. However, one person I spoke to agreed that my fear is reasonable as she has met so many women who are fantastic but have never managed to find anyone and that there is an excess of women who remain single for the rest of their lives. This has shaken me up a lot!

    Has anyone ever been in a situation similar to mine and come to peace with it? Do any of you have any success stories of feeling like you would be alone forever but met the love of your life in the end?

    #110468
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Anna,

    I’m of the belief set that “If it Happened Once, it Can Happen Again”. Has the world really changed all that much since you were 17-23? Have you? And the guy sweeping you off your feet immediately after you broke up… He came on the scene IMMEDIATELY after you broke up! So not so rare, is he? Know what I mean?

    I think you’re heartbroken and still shaken up. It’s just a matter of WHEN you get back out there, not IF someone will enter your life.

    I agree that you integrate with your town. Make friends with neighbors, in your job, at a place of worship, join the rec center. Then from there I predict something new and wonderful will develop!

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #110469
    Anna
    Participant

    Lovely kind words, thank you! I have been too shaken and heart broken to get back into the dating pool, hence the long period of abstinence. I appreciate your encouragement ๐Ÿ™‚

    #110484
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Anna:

    My comment is not a direct answer to what you requested on this thread. I re-read your first thread from September 2015 about the two month old relationship. What an intense two months those were and how intensely those two months affected you. Clearly, you were abused by that guy and you still suffer the consequences. You wrote above, on this thread: “I am so ashamed of myself as I am still yearning for him one year after breaking up with him! He is haunting me so much”- present tense, now. You are ashamed now for yearning for him.. now. He is haunting you.. now, presently.

    So I wonder if your intense fear of being alone is a fear resulting, at part, at least, from that abusive two months experience?

    There are other things I wonder about.

    anita

    #110543
    Dawn
    Participant

    Anna,

    First of all I really like what Anita said. Very well said!

    I’d also like to say it sounds similar to a situation I went through. I ended that relationship also, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him. It took me months to get over the thought of him.

    That being said, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m also very excited for you. Let me explain…I’ve found the most beautiful things have come from times in my life where I had the most fear. Fear to the point that I either let go and accepted what is or go bonkers. The biggest lessons in my life of acceptance, letting go and self-love have come from the situation you describe. It’s a very scary place to be, but know that what is meant for you will come into your life. It may not be on your time and terms, but it will be exactly when you need it.

    When I have so much fear the only option is to throw my hands up in surrender, that’s when the blessing comes. It’s happened so many times I now enjoy the journey, because I trust the process and know something amazing is just around the corner…it always is.

    Keep your head up! Smile and spread some love. Find someone who could use a smile, a hug or just some compassion and give what you can. For me doing this gets me out of my head and the love always comes back two fold.

    Good luck and love!
    Dawn

    #110610
    365daysofkindness
    Participant

    Iโ€™ll be honest I donโ€™t want a relationship right now as I am well aware that I am not emotionally stable enough and would much rather establish myself in this new town and know myself outside the context of a relationship before I commit to another person.

    I think you’ve hit the nail on the head: take time for yourself. Create a life that you love. Take the time you need.

    It sounds like your two-month relationship has left you bruised – but you will come out of it stronger than before. Just take the time you need to do the soul searching you need to figure out what makes you happy outside of a relationship. What are you passionate about?

    Hang in there. Time takes time. But when you focus on loving yourself and creating a life you love, magical things begin to happen.

    Best,
    http://www.365daysofkindness.com

    #110652
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Anna,

    One good piece of advice I remember seeing hearing is when you stop trying to find the “perfect someone” and instead try to become the person you want to be, that is when love will find you. Focus on who you want to be instead of who you are not with. You are so young… I bet there are many people on here who would do almost anything to be 25 again! I agree with Dawn that thinking of how you can help others often makes a better person yourself. I think the universe or whatever higher power you believe in loves goodness and it tends to guide you to where you should be when you try to do good. Worrying about something that you never know how or when will happen will only add more pain onto yourself. Good luck!

    #110741
    dreaming715
    Participant

    Anna, your post resonated with me so much! I’m 27. I was in a 5-year-long relationship from the time I was 20-25. I took to the dating scene like it was a job. I’ve been on 6 dating sites total, and recently went on my 27th first date in the past 14 months. Do I currently have a boyfriend? No.

    I’ve also wondered if my 5-year-long relationship was an anomaly, or some kind of fluke occurance. I want to believe that we’re hear to learn about ourselves, to see the bigger picture, and to ultimately find a sense of inner-peace.

    I don’t know what the future holds for me. I thought I would be married and have a home (and possibly a baby) by now. But I don’t.

    All I can do is try to make the best of my situation (although the loneliness feels incredibly heavy somedays). Today I was buying groceries alone and seeing couple’s pick out fruit together still stirs up some emotion in me. I know the probability is high that they’ll go home together, share a meal, and genuinely enjoy each other’s company.

    I will go home, make a meal by myself, and then read or watch TV. I’m sorry for the pity-story. I’m just having a hard time coming to terms with this. Maybe it’s a feeling that can eventually be embraced? Maybe it just takes some serious mental talk. Literally re-wiring our thought patterns. Certainly having the ability to grocery shop and make yourself a meal is a gift in itself. I feel like my mind disagrees, but deep-down I know change is on our side. There is nothing, not a single thing in this universe that isn’t subject to change. The same can be said for us.

    #110843

    Hi beautiful angel <3 oh honey it’s okay to feel scared but guess what!! Miraxles happen every day and life is awesome YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL AND people have noticed and again they will! You will find the pefect one for you. Till then keep beig you do what makes u happy and focus on loving you and having hope and faith. There are 7 billion ppl out there I promise you’ll find someone for you. What? Why!? BEXAUSE YOU ARE A GREAT PERSON, WORTHY YOU matter ARE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE ANS OUT and are someone’s reason to smile. You have been before.e nothing has changed. The best love is YET TO Come! <33 ISNT THAT AWESOME U GOT alot to look forward to in life. You must remember sweetie you deserve to be happy. Choose to look at life with a smile not abfrown and have hope and look forward to stuff and love you and life and the right person will find you and be so captivayed by your beautiful soul
    There is hope and you will find someone you must have faith and believe. And keep enjoying your life regardless if you aren’t with someone now you got this beautiful life you got! <3 make the most if it now! We love you and we are so proud of you. It will be OK. You won’t be alone forever but you also gotta love yourself and enjoy bein in your own company because it’s your life<3 you dsrve to be happy

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