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December 24, 2021 at 3:30 pm in reply to: My nightmarish day. I want to have a strong heart and a strong future #390260
IvyParticipantHi Anita and Helcat:
The reason why I want to “be happy permanently” is because I want to be optimistic. I am not optimistic in real life, and I don’t even have time to think about positive things, because I have schoolwork/classwork to think about almost everyday. There’s always something almost impossible to think about at school, even though I work hard and mostly get As, Bs, or Cs, I have to keep up everything. The only times I’m happy is the time I have winter break or any holiday break with finished homework, and if everything goes my way.
Btw, I meant to say for my autism medications is that there is no cure for autism, but I have medicine treatment for my sleeping issues (sometimes I also creates problems with sleeping though). There’s no treatment for dealing with my crying and wailing.
How can I get “stronger and stronger over time, on the inside and on the outside”? I feel like trying to be strong both inside and outside is easier said than done. Also how can I “Focus on making small progress over a long time, instead of expecting a big change all at once”? I also feel like starting small is better than doing big. But I don’t step in a take the chance because everything I worry about is that, “tomorrow would be better” or “I don’t have much time for this”. How can I stop forcing myself to think this way and think about something else?
To answer your question, my teachers actually did help me a lot. I won’t say their names though. My teachers taught me lately about trying not to be sneaky, and listening to rules, keeping my hands to yourself, and no crying or screaming at school. But they don’t help on all things. I did not even tell them about the so called incident with my babysitter, because my teacher that I have now will be mad at me. I also learned about the themes of trying to distract yourself from sleeping and sad memories. None of these problems are happening now, but I’m scared they will happen at an unexpected time. What can I do so that I can be optimistic and never let sad or devastating and fatal memories enter in my mind? How can I believe in myself and other like the secret/law of attraction?? It’s hard to feel good like I wanted because of too many distractions.
How did you manage to keep your promises?? Please tell me your secret, because I cannot keep any promises and every promises I keep is a major failure. It’s impossible for me to keep up.
I really need lots of help with writing a good story and art with my new sketchbook. I want to be creative artist and writer. But people want me to do school more. What can I do?
Also I don’t work hard enough. And when I try to read a book, I do not read enough of nonfiction because nonfiction is boring and hard, except for fiction. Also every technique I try is not easy and seems difficult to do when reading for fun, like annotating, taking notes, and peripheral senses. What can I do to read more and have more fun reading a book? I feel like taking notes are important especially when reading a book. I’m scared but I want to read a book now. What can I do?
Also for Helcat’s questions:
1. “You also seem to be quite hard on yourself at least when you’re upset. Perhaps this is something you have learned from others?”
Yes, I’m always hard on myself. I don’t know if I learned how to be too harsh on myself. (I think I learned about how pushing yourself can be bad a bit, but I haven’t learned how to stop and end this problem permanently) I don’t think learned this from other people, just do everything you can to be better and make others happy, because I don’t have time to be happy. I have to put myself last because I have schoolwork when I have school. And I also learned that I can’t control myself. And my emotions very much, just to go outside and take a break. But what if I don’t want a break and the break won’t help me? Because to be successful, my slogan that I follow is to do it now and force yourself to be in the level where you have to be perfect and good enough. It’s just like trying to dance in the right way in the Wii console to Just Dance . Everyone’s better than I am. And I almost always fall in last place.I want to have fun, but letting loose to enjoy is just too hard, and I can’t let loose, I have to do something to be better. And to permanently become an optimistic person, right??2. “Does being around your carer make you anxious? Do you fear upsetting them?”
I used to be happy with my caregiver, but lately I started to get more anxious and more insecure because she will stop me from speaking and letting me do what I want. She’s ok but I’m so anxious and insecure, I don’t want her to see me cry. And a local writing workshop from my local library finally decided not to continue the workshop until after new year’s day of next year, because she din’t want to expose to COVID problems. So she gave away notebooks. And I was going to be in that program and now I’m not happy because I have to wait a whole week, and I want someone to finally read a story I made up, and they still they forget about what I want. What can I do? When I’m so scared to tell the truth? I don’t want to be subtle, gibberish and weak anymore. I want to be strong! I need help!3. “Do you have a plan to help you with school? Perhaps a tutor might be beneficial?”
I have to plan to help with my school, just a schedule and I have to to do whatever the schedule says, so I get what I get and I shouldn’t be upset. And I do all I can to stop crying. Because now I’m learning that to be successful and never cry ever again in front of school (because I did that in ninth grade), you must never get punished by school and push yourself to the point of burnout and cry like a baby. But whatever you do you must never cry. That’s the only hope of self controlling myself. But what can I do to control all crying habits. I don’t want a therapist or counselor to help me. I want to be perfect. What if I say something wrong?
also I only have paras, so no tutors until I graduate and do whatever I want, and other than the people I trust I cannot get the help I want. People who are supple and kind to me will take forever to talk to me, but not the people who I trust further. They will just become hot headed whenever they want, and I will still just become unnecessary. What can I do?i just failed to be a good writer, so I want to say that I might either continue, or give it up and let go of writing until it’s almost all unlearned, and until I want to try to write a whole story again. What can I do? And how can I make my creative writing and art dreams come true. I need help with my sketchbook. I have nothing to draw and when I put my pen on the paper I still get so scared what to draw. I love comics, but I’m scared to draw the storyboard panels, so what can I do?
Thank you, Helcat and anita, for the previous advice.
please respond back when you are ready.
From, Ivygrl.
December 22, 2021 at 8:54 am in reply to: My nightmarish day. I want to have a strong heart and a strong future #390204IvyParticipantHi Anita,
Here are the answers to all my questions. I apologize for making this message too long.
Q #1- “I read your whole post and I am having trouble understanding. I am guessing that although you live in the U.S., you lived elsewhere for years before you moved to the U.S., and your English needs improving. Am I correct in my understanding?”
A #1- Yes, I need lots of help with my English, including my grammar and tense speaking, because I used to speak Spanish (formerly from the Dominican Republic. I lived there until I was 6-7 years old and then I moved to the USA). By the time I learned English almost all of my Spanish went away, and since my parents speak more Spanish than me, I have to do almost everything I need to do for my high school myself.
Q #2- “You mentioned that you have autism. Can you tell me at what age you were diagnosed and what, if any treatment, you’ve been receiving?”
A #2- I don’t remember but I had been diagnosed when I moved to the USA or something. There is no treatment to the autism. But I did have problems with controlling myself and when to sleep and stay awake at night, so a therapist came to meet us every few to several months or so. pharmacy pill medicine was used because of my sleep problems and my calming down. But I also know that it’s up to me to calm down.
Q #3- “One more thing: you asked for help. Can you tell me as clearly and as specifically as you can, what kind of help are you requesting?”
I need lots of help!!! But I will cut it down to five different bits. Please respond each bit in a longer message.
- I know this seems perfectly clichéd on the first one, but the truth is: I want MY life to be perfect, just like my parents. I want to be strong both on the outside and the inside. But what I meant by nightmares is that I live in this world where “perfection doesn’t exist”. I’m sick of hearing the same thing. I feel too sad and too angry that nothing good happens to me. I’m sick of being weak as a girl who’s developing her fantasy future and trying to make it come true. My fantasy future is to make good stories: fantasy, comedy, and horror stories as a writer and also do other jobs that are what I enjoy. I like to be a youtuber or comic artist one day, and if it isn’t any of those things, then I would go out and enjoy nature and help at a café. How can I do all this, when I’m 17 years old, have a house that I can never go outside unless with parent supervision, and change my life from weak to strong, and do all that I want? How can I be more creative in my life when I’m almost always stuck indoors??? What do you draw and write creatively?
- I want to be strong and make my parents and everyone in the world happy, but when I say something to my parents to try to forgive me with irreversible damage (like when I say “I’ll never do it again, I promise” they say “O.K., but unfortunately you are wrong. You will do it all over again”). The problem is they judge me and spoil a terrible secret over and over: they prove me guilty based on another future that will lead me into something I don’t want, and losing my passion. I’m so scared, I’m having a feeling that people I know are scary and are fortune tellers of the logic and the future. I know it’s not true, but parents and friends I know that are always stronger (strong-willed and are more of an expert) than me are always right. And the kindhearted and nice ones I know and love, are not with me anymore and are always busy. I want to be kind and very strong parent. I want to be very strong and powerful and kind today and in the future I want. I’m always subtle and super abstract in writing, and I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling in one word. I want to be clear and narrow, not broad and scattered. How can I ever always be correct when I’m too busy with other stuff and am not enough?? How can I always be that person?? Any recommended books for the weak to turn into strong and powerful?
- I always cry and do the same bad habits/behaviors constantly and repeatedly. I thought I would be better, because that’s always what people brainwashed me to say. “Work hard, do something, be better, be an improvement, SOMETHING!” But these days, I’m sad, depressed, lazy, dull, lost a lot of confidence, and always am lost in the same behaviors instead of being downcycled into something much worse and useless. I just want a permanent change that can definitely help start changing my life, but no matter how hard I try, It’s not going the way I want it to be, because of my baby behaviors. Even though I’m maturing and doing some of the right things, I’m still in special education. I need to learn more about patience, that rewards need time and will never exist once in punishment. What can I do so that I can finally change my behavior and let go of bad things and move forward faster? For me I can never accept on moving forward, I took the risky path: doing something over and over again and staying there until you learn and accept, but the side effect will just be dangerous and painful just like “The Tempest” by William Shakespeare or the Genesis/ Adam and Eve part of the Bible. What can I do???
- Everything felt better with my babysitter, but I’m still sad at dull at her, because of my previous behaviors I did last week. On Monday, I finally went to the frozen yogurt shop, but I still have to behave and improve, and make my days better. But remember I upset my caregiver 4 times now. How can I show that I permanently changed? I tried to avoid crying, and control my instinctive behaviors as much as I can, but it’s no use. The change has to be instant and fast, because I’m lazy, not confident enough and am weak, and try hard on everything I can and I still fail in somethings. I want to be perfect (not necessarily perfectionist)! But what can I do if those days aren’t good enough and I’m weak??? How can I control my emotions and turn rational??? Any recommended books?
- I just want to improve my storytelling and finally get my hands on a librarian to help me with my stories. But I don’t write enough fiction stories, or read enough fiction stories. And remember I’m burnout from writing stories and want to create short stories ever since I was little because I want to make my own shows, or small episode stories. But then I don’t have enough time to read because of school. I know I’m still learning but every time I read a book, I don’t read all the pages. Unless it’s a comic, I can’t read a chapter book/novel in one day. And I also prefer standalone books, not series and they have not recommended me a standalone book for me!!! I thought a book called “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrne would help me, but I always leave behind an absence of what I want, and everything I try from the secret/law of attraction was for nothing. I want something else, some other powerful technique to permanently be happy and stay in the now instead of tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow!!!! What can I do?
I hope this helps, and please please please respond in a long message and answer my 5 questions.
From, Ivygrl.
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