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JayJay

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  • March 30, 2017 at 6:50 am in reply to: What is there to live for #142935
    JayJay
    Participant

    OK, so you have taken the first step. Now take the second. Try a different company – ok so you still might not like the work aspect, but how can you know you *don’t* want to work for these companies when you haven’t even given them a chance? How can you know nothing will be different? It might be a whole different scenario, you might find you like working for a different company when it’s a new start.

    There is no point in panicking because you are worried that you will make the wrong decision. Have the confidence to just make a decision and take it from there, right or wrong. If it’s the wrong decision then you will know it, and will be able to deal with it, just like you already have, at least once.

    Be brave and don’t let indecision make you wobble.

    Try everything, at least once. You can’t possibly know if anything is good or bad unless you actually try it. You’re trying to second guess yourself that everything will end badly, when you don’t know that will happen. Give yourself a chance, at least.

     

    Hope I have helped.

    March 30, 2017 at 4:21 am in reply to: Forever Single (in late 30’s) #142915
    JayJay
    Participant

    I also meant to ask if you had many friends as a child? Or was your mother your only friend? Did you ever get to see how other kids your age lived their lives, in their houses, with their parents? I only ask as it could have a bearing on why you see the world as you do.

    March 30, 2017 at 3:02 am in reply to: Forever Single (in late 30’s) #142913
    JayJay
    Participant

    Oh my… Parents! Mothers! If only they knew what an impact they had on our psyche when we were children.

    My mother sounds similar to yours. When I was a child, and even now, in her ’80s, it comes across that she absolutely and utterly ‘hates’ men. Meaning my father. They have been married for over 60 years. She has never known any other man than him, and what has always come across from her is total disappointment in men, which I can actually take to read, in her man.

    Quite often as children, we hated our father as well. Because we thought we were supposed to, and to support our mother. She never hated him enough to leave him though.

    She never misses a chance to point out how useless men are, even now. Cars go wrong because men made them – that sort of thing. She does it to wind my father up, and he reacts every time. Which is what she wants. She makes him mad, then it’s his fault for going on at her and getting angry!

    I remember my father asking her once, years ago, when we were in our early ‘teens, ‘Why do my daughters hate me so much?’ and her rolling her eyes to the ceiling with no reply. The answer should have been, ‘because I taught them to. Because I hate you and I want them to hate you as much as I do. Because I believe you are useless.’ but she never said that to him, as she was a martyr to the cause. Not to him, only to us.

    I truly believe that, because both my mother and father worked full-time, and we were both reared more or less by our grandmother, that we escaped lot of the conditioning that you have been through. My grandmother was very loving, very unselfish and didn’t hate or despise anyone, and she was quick to forgive as well. We both had good marriages for a long time. I was married for 20 years. It did go pear-shaped, and I am divorced, but it wasn’t because I hated men.

    It does actually seem to me that Anita is right in her assumption that you took your mother’s teachings to heart, and have lived your life with her standards, rather than your own. Which is understandable as there was no counterbalance. (I wonder if your mother confided in you because there was no-one else, no other friends to confide in and so she used you as her only friend and confidante.)

    When I went through a period of deep depression due to life events, I saw a counsellor for 9 months. During that time, I discovered something deeply rooted in my subconscious which had, for years, made me undervalue myself and made me believe that I was unworthy of being treated well by anyone. It took some digging, and I had to do some real soul-searching to find it.. but once it was out in the open, I could deal with it, and the depression went. And I hadn’t even gone to see the counsellor about that particular thing. But that was there, buried deep down, something said to me as a child, and which I had believed fully and truly, because I was a child, and children believe what you tell them.

    I don’t know if this has any bearing on your own situation, but i thought if I put down my own experience, maybe it would help you with yours.

    Love and light

    Jay

     

    March 30, 2017 at 1:38 am in reply to: How to get over this? #142905
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi again, Anita and Mia,

    Yes, you are right. I will indeed make up my mind to say and do nothing, should we ever meet again. I will walk away and say nothing, no communication. I will try what you suggest to see if I can resist the compulsion of continually thinking about it.

    If it ever happens that we do meet again, I will let you know!

    And a simple telephone call just to say sorry for the hurt caused would have been all that it would have taken for me to forgive her. We would never have been friends again in the same way we once were, as she destroyed all the trust between us. But we would have been friends. No matter, I have forgiven her anyway. I feel very sorry for her, that she could be so desperate to do something like that, and with someone who was more or less a complete stranger.

    It is highly likely that L. would be the one to run away and avoid a conversation anyway, if we should meet! She avoids conflict of any kind, if she possibly can. She is an ultimate people pleaser, who comes across as all sweetness and light, and an oh-so-wonderful person, so biddable, so patient. But underneath she is often simmering with resentment, and sulking. For the past couple of years, I have been being ‘controlled’ by her in this way… and it wasn’t until this happened that I saw her for what she really is, and I have felt a great sense of freedom from the stress these kind of people employ by never saying whether they are happy or not with whatever you do. As for J., well he was often depressed and down a lot of the time, so no loss there either actually.

    I have had two predictive dreams that have told me that this relationship won’t last above 12-18 months, although I am aware that this could simply be wishful thinking! LOL.

     

    March 29, 2017 at 2:26 pm in reply to: LET HIM GO NOW OR WHAT? #142839
    JayJay
    Participant

    Oh please, please, my darling girl, do not ever contact this man again. He is a predator, a user and a bully. He has manipulated you, a girl much younger than himself, and who had no defence against such a dark person. He has taken advantage of your younger years to manipulate you into doing things you don’t want to do. By any and every means possible for him to use.

    Stay single for a while. Get to know yourself through yourself. You are terribly young, and you will get over this. This man has been selfishly manipulating you and you have been brainwashed into not being true to yourself. Your family only see the best side of him, you know differently. Take no notice of what your family thinks, you know this man better than they ever will.

    He is a predator and he has stalked and groomed you. There are laws against that.

    Of course you will meet someone much better! Don’t even doubt it. You are not alone just because you don’t have a man. You have friends, you have family. Your family will get over it in time, and in time you will maybe be able to tell them what he was really like, and how he treated you. Until that time, be true to yourself. You will eventually find someone who will love, honour and respect you.

    ~With best wishes and sending you love and light.

    jayJay.

    March 29, 2017 at 1:44 pm in reply to: Forever Single (in late 30’s) #142831
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Mia. I thought I would reply to your post as you have been such a help on mine :). I agree with everything Anita says above.

    The way we perceived our childhood has a lot to do with how we see the world now.

    Ok, so you’re in your late ’30s. That’s not old you know! That’s the first thing I think which is dragging you down, is thinking that time is running out… it never runs out. I have a friend who has recently found the love of her life, after many years of let-downs, and she is in her ’70s. So the first thing is to stop that kind of ‘time is running out’ scenario repeating itself in your mind.

    Don’t struggle with the fact that you might always be single, embrace it! Once you start to accept that’s the way it might have to be, then things will get better for you. And you will relax, and that is probably when you will stop being a bit worried that there is no-one for you. There is, and they will come along sooner or later.

    Focus on making yourself happy. Focus on being happy with yourself. Don’t focus on the past, don’t try to find reasons why you are like you are. Your childhood and that part of your life is history. Look to the future if you can. I know it’s easier said than done, but if you can just change your focus and imagine yourself in a happier life, then just doing that will make you feel easier and happier with yourself.

    The more you talk yourself into believing that your gut is telling you that there will never be a man for you, the more you will believe yourself, which in turn will help this to come about. Don’t go there! You have said you have had two relationships which have not turned out well, but it seems you are blaming yourself for these relationships going wrong. But you have found two people, even if they were wrong for you. Don’t forget that they were both a learning process, a practice. And you did end the relationships when you felt they weren’t right for you, which is very brave. But you have also learned from them – and that is wonderful! You know more about yourself now. And you can continue to sort out your problems, like your lack of self confidence and self-worth and work on them. Work on unblocking that block you mention in your next-to-last paragraph.

    Read a few self-help books or some YouTube videos on how to up your self esteem and think the best of yourself. That kind of thinking radiates outward and attracts others who will want to be with that person. That person is there inside you, just waiting for you to give her permission to come out.

    Blessings,

    JayJay 🙂

    March 29, 2017 at 12:43 pm in reply to: How to get over this? #142797
    JayJay
    Participant

    Thank you for your thoughts, both of you.

    Mia – I do think of this as a blessing 🙂 They have both shown their true colours, haven’t they. And I am better off without them both. I have other friends, one of whom is another girlfriend I have known even longer than L – for over 40 years!  I have always treasured my friends. That’s why this came as such a shock, that she/they could both do something like that. Oh boy, that hurt. It broke my heart that they could treat me like that. However, I have got over that. People who do that kind of thing aren’t really your friends, or they were, but only as long as it suited them to be so. Big lesson learned!

    Anita –  you wrote: “If you sent them a letter or an email- if you wrote such, what would you write? Would you like to try that?”

    I have already tried that. Early on, around the beginning of August, I sent her a text message which read, ‘Hi L., I hope you are both well and happy. I apologise for my initial gut reaction. (the gut reaction was, after waiting for several days with her saying she would phone to explain and then didn’t, I sent an email to J. telling her not to bother, that I was done with them both!) The text carried on: ‘I am sending this message as I think a friendship like we’ve had for 30 years was worth one last attempt to put things right. I have forgiven and forgotten.I hope you can do the same, love and light, JJ.

    The reply I got was ‘I’m very happy. New start. New life. At Folk Fest at the moment. Take care. Hope your sister’s son is ok, Linda.’

    That was the last time I heard from her. My sister’s son died very soon afterwards. L. only asked after my nephew as as I had written in an email to J. in response to the part highlighted above by Mia (L. doesn’t ‘do’ emails and has no email address) ‘When you realise that someone you loved doesn’t even have the decency to call and let you know what is going on, doesn’t seem to give a fig about you or the stressful situation they have put you in….

    (the stressful situation being her now abandoned ex, who was on the phone for hours to me as he didn’t believe I didn’t know where she was for a while, and was very angry at my perceived deception and very suicidal)

    , isn’t bothered whether a member of your family live or dies, then you realise that maybe the friendship wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.’

    So I tried to make something right, when I had really done nothing wrong, except spoken my mind and tried to put it right? I have never known J’s address, so a letter would be out of the question anyway. I could easily find out his address, but I really feel I should just leave it alone. They have never contacted me since then, so I assume they don’t really care anyway. That’s ok, I have plenty of other friends!

    I don’t know how I will react if I ever see either of them again. Like I said, I keep imagining scenarios where I tell them what I really think of them, others where I just ignore them and walk on by, others where I let J. know just what a parasite he has hooked up with… and on and on, round and round in my head. This is the part that needs to stop. I have already done the rest, the post-mortem, if you like and no longer think about them or the hurt they caused at the time, like I used to do. I was making myself ill trying to find a logical explanation for their actions, until I finally realised that there simply wasn’t one.

    I just need to get these final thoughts of them out of my mind. I might one day meet them again, but I know it’s pointless fantasizing or obsessing about something which might happen in the future. I will know what to say when the time comes, I’m sure of that… but these thoughts about that future happening are driving me mad!

    ETA: I would hope, if that time ever comes, that I will be strong enough to be dignified and graceful… and not say any of the above!

    Thank you both very much for your help.

     

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years ago by JayJay. Reason: added a bit more
    March 28, 2017 at 1:02 am in reply to: How to get over this? #142495
    JayJay
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply.

    How can you think you know someone for 30 years? And then they do something like this to you. I thought I knew my former best friend, L., inside out.  We had shared some good times together over the years, and supported each other through the bad times… And yet, when it came down to it, she betrayed me, after all those years of friendship. Ekhart Tolle would call this an ‘unthinking moment’ for her… but it was planned, and the signs were there that something was going on, but I ignored this, as I trusted her.

    You’re right, neither of them were good choices of friend/boyfriend. I trusted them both.

    I have tried to rise above this incident and have succeeded somewhat. I just wish I could leave it alone in my thoughts. It’s been eight months now since it happened. To some extent, I have done just that. I have stopped obsessing about them all the time. It’s history now, after all. Nothing can be done about it and time has moved on.

    But I still obsess over what I would say to them if we ever came face to face. It’s likely that we will, at some point in the future, as we all moved in similar circles. These thoughts are a different story every time. I cannot seem to gain any control over these thoughts, but I wish they would stop. It’s so wearing to keep on thinking about them, and such a waste of my energy. It’s dragging me down and I just want it to stop! And you can’t control the future anyway, so what purpose do these thoughts serve?

    Maybe its a grieving process, do you think? Is it possible that this is the last stage of this before it goes away for good? Time is healing this, but it’s so slow.

     

    March 27, 2017 at 1:39 pm in reply to: How to get over this? #142425
    JayJay
    Participant

    Thank you for you reply, Anita.

    I think similarly. That the ‘almost BF’ (let’s call him ‘J’) was indeed seduced by the role of the rescuer. And that my former best friend, ‘L’ fulfilled that need better than I could.

    Yes, perhaps it is the unfairness of the situation that distresses me. And definitely her betrayal. Although I thought he was becoming more than a friend, after 9 months of friendship. All of a sudden, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing from him, except an email which went something like, ‘We are sorry if this situation has caused unintentional hurt to anyone’ and signed J and L, which broke my heart. That was a personal email to me?

    Oh, I think J. knew what he was doing, and he knew it would hurt me. He even tried to turn it onto me, saying something like ‘if you were indeed L’s best friend, as you claim to be, then you would have supported her, no matter what she did.’

    Yes I would have, had I known about it. But you see, she was actually taking someone away from me. And because we were best friends, I had already confided to her just a week before that, now that I had known J. for quite a while, I thought it would be a good time to try a proper relationship. And she agreed that he was a nice man! Whilst all the time planning to take him away from me by fair means or foul, behind my back. She was in his house and in his bed within the week. J. didn’t even really know her!

    L. and myself were best friends for over 30 years. Well, at least I thought we were. If she had said she was looking to leave her ex, I would have helped her in any way I could. The fact that she did it all behind my back, because the chap in question was my friend, not hers, hurt me very deeply. She betrayed my trust in her. She never even called to say she was sorry. I would never have done that to her, no matter how desperate I was.

    But this is all history now. I just want to get on with my life, and stop thinking about them both. I just wish my thoughts would let me.

    Jay.

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