Thank you for you reply, Anita.

I think similarly. That the ‘almost BF’ (let’s call him ‘J’) was indeed seduced by the role of the rescuer. And that my former best friend, ‘L’ fulfilled that need better than I could.

Yes, perhaps it is the unfairness of the situation that distresses me. And definitely her betrayal. Although I thought he was becoming more than a friend, after 9 months of friendship. All of a sudden, no emails, no phone calls, no nothing from him, except an email which went something like, ‘We are sorry if this situation has caused unintentional hurt to anyone’ and signed J and L, which broke my heart. That was a personal email to me?

Oh, I think J. knew what he was doing, and he knew it would hurt me. He even tried to turn it onto me, saying something like ‘if you were indeed L’s best friend, as you claim to be, then you would have supported her, no matter what she did.’

Yes I would have, had I known about it. But you see, she was actually taking someone away from me. And because we were best friends, I had already confided to her just a week before that, now that I had known J. for quite a while, I thought it would be a good time to try a proper relationship. And she agreed that he was a nice man! Whilst all the time planning to take him away from me by fair means or foul, behind my back. She was in his house and in his bed within the week. J. didn’t even really know her!

L. and myself were best friends for over 30 years. Well, at least I thought we were. If she had said she was looking to leave her ex, I would have helped her in any way I could. The fact that she did it all behind my back, because the chap in question was my friend, not hers, hurt me very deeply. She betrayed my trust in her. She never even called to say she was sorry. I would never have done that to her, no matter how desperate I was.

But this is all history now. I just want to get on with my life, and stop thinking about them both. I just wish my thoughts would let me.

Jay.

Thank you for your reply.

How can you think you know someone for 30 years? And then they do something like this to you. I thought I knew my former best friend, L., inside out.  We had shared some good times together over the years, and supported each other through the bad times… And yet, when it came down to it, she betrayed me, after all those years of friendship. Ekhart Tolle would call this an ‘unthinking moment’ for her… but it was planned, and the signs were there that something was going on, but I ignored this, as I trusted her.

You’re right, neither of them were good choices of friend/boyfriend. I trusted them both.

I have tried to rise above this incident and have succeeded somewhat. I just wish I could leave it alone in my thoughts. It’s been eight months now since it happened. To some extent, I have done just that. I have stopped obsessing about them all the time. It’s history now, after all. Nothing can be done about it and time has moved on.

But I still obsess over what I would say to them if we ever came face to face. It’s likely that we will, at some point in the future, as we all moved in similar circles. These thoughts are a different story every time. I cannot seem to gain any control over these thoughts, but I wish they would stop. It’s so wearing to keep on thinking about them, and such a waste of my energy. It’s dragging me down and I just want it to stop! And you can’t control the future anyway, so what purpose do these thoughts serve?

Maybe its a grieving process, do you think? Is it possible that this is the last stage of this before it goes away for good? Time is healing this, but it’s so slow.

Hi again, Anita and Mia,

Yes, you are right. I will indeed make up my mind to say and do nothing, should we ever meet again. I will walk away and say nothing, no communication. I will try what you suggest to see if I can resist the compulsion of continually thinking about it.

If it ever happens that we do meet again, I will let you know!

And a simple telephone call just to say sorry for the hurt caused would have been all that it would have taken for me to forgive her. We would never have been friends again in the same way we once were, as she destroyed all the trust between us. But we would have been friends. No matter, I have forgiven her anyway. I feel very sorry for her, that she could be so desperate to do something like that, and with someone who was more or less a complete stranger.

It is highly likely that L. would be the one to run away and avoid a conversation anyway, if we should meet! She avoids conflict of any kind, if she possibly can. She is an ultimate people pleaser, who comes across as all sweetness and light, and an oh-so-wonderful person, so biddable, so patient. But underneath she is often simmering with resentment, and sulking. For the past couple of years, I have been being ‘controlled’ by her in this way… and it wasn’t until this happened that I saw her for what she really is, and I have felt a great sense of freedom from the stress these kind of people employ by never saying whether they are happy or not with whatever you do. As for J., well he was often depressed and down a lot of the time, so no loss there either actually.

I have had two predictive dreams that have told me that this relationship won’t last above 12-18 months, although I am aware that this could simply be wishful thinking! LOL.

Hi Anita. I also wonder if she has jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire! There was a lot of similar personality traits (and not good ones!) between J. and her recent ex. But I think that she will put up with anything that J. does that she doesn’t like, including his depressive phases, because she has a roof over her head and his money to spend. So she will make the best of it, just as she did with the last partner, and her husband before that… until she finds someone she thinks is better than what she has right now, and then she will do the same thing again. I can’t help feeling very sorry for her and the way she depends on others for her own happiness, and how she thinks a man – any man – would be better than no man at all, or spending some time trying to find the right man, instead of just jumping in and hoping for the best. I suppose it all depends on what you are looking for in a partner. L. only has two – a man must have a house of his own that she can live in, and he must have money.

You are so right, appearances can be so deceiving. Before this happened, I would have said that L. and myself were so alike – I would have said we were like two halves of the same person. I would have said that our likes and interests were the same… we even dressed alike!  I now realise, of course, that L. was simply imitating me, liking the same things I did, and doing the same things I did, simply because she didn’t really have any likes or dislikes of her own, no personality, so to speak of. And an ultimate people pleaser as well. I know they say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, but I was truly duped into believing that we were alike. I see now that it was just that she imitated everything I did, perhaps because she wanted to be like me. I wonder who she will take her cue from now?

I heard through the grapevine that L. and J. were attending the huge folk festivals last year. Now, I have always hated places that are too crowded, and I could never afford to go to these events, even if I did. Before this happened, L. would say the same thing, she hated them too, and for the same reasons! But now J. is paying for the tickets, it seems she can’t get enough of them. J. is ten years older than both of us, so around 70 years of age. He was struggling to keep up at the last small festival he tagged along to with us, I wonder how he is coping with that sort of pace?

Anyway, enough of all that! I have been practicing blocking those thoughts exactly the way you described and it seems to be working. 🙂 I have made a decision to say nothing at all to them, should we ever meet again. I sincerely hop that they do not come to the small festival that is the only one I go to each year! And every time I start to think, ‘I will say this to her, I will say that to him’ I block those thoughts. It’s getting easier every day, so thank you for the advice. I am determined to go to this festival again, although I have wondered at times, whether I should go, in case I bump into them. And then I thought, so what if I do? I shall just ignore them both.

*I have been hesitating about sharing any advice of my own with others on these threads.. but thought perhaps I could after all help others with their situations, as you have helped with mine. Thank you back! 🙂

“”It leads me to think that she used this strategy with J and succeeded in only a week or so! I am thinking she is likely to continue to be successful with him, based on her past success with you.””

I agree. It’s possible that he will never know that he is simply being used. The weekend before she moved in with him was when we were at the small folk festival. J. had asked if he could tag along, and I didn’t have a problem with that – he was in his own RV. My sister and one of her sons was also there, so there was a small group of us. J’s first ex-wife came with him!

The only thing I worried about was that L. might feel a bit left out.  It was me who felt like that, only at the time, I didn’t know why. The strategy she used was to act like a little girl. She even plaited her gray hair to appear even more child-like! She contrived to sit next to him, between J. and myself, at all the concerts and was lingering behind chatting to him after the concerts.  Looking back, I can see now that she was flirting with him and was going all out to get him. I didn’t see it at the time, only looking back. You don’t think your best friend will do anything other than be friendly to your intended boyfriends, do you? I don’t think J. had any idea that L. was after him. She knew an awful lot about him through me. At some point she must have told him about the ‘situation’ with her ex, and exaggerated it. They must have exchanged phone numbers.

So we come back from the Festival, and he sends me a text… thanking me and all for the lovely time. The next week she is moving into his house, having told him (this comes out later in an email from J.) that she is in physical danger, actually in fear of her life from her ex. So J. goes over there, waits until the coast is clear, and takes her and all her belongings over to his house. She must have been packing her things all week before she made the call for ‘help’.

I know for a fact that her ex. would not have hurt her. They had been together for 20 years. I knew him for all that time too, and he was not a violent man. Moody and depressed at times, and a compulsive hoarder as well, but not violent. I know she hadn’t been happy with him for a few years. He was surprised when I reminded him that he was once the man sitting outside, waiting to rescue the fair maiden, while her husband’s back was turned. He didn’t know that had been the case – he simply thought they had agreed to break up. That was a lie from L. as well.

The only opportunity she got to get a break from her ex. was when she came away with me for holidays. She had been ‘scouting around’ for a possible replacement at a rally we had attended together earlier in the year. This came out later when a couple of the single men there had said she had been sounding them out, asking what they did for a living, whether they had their own house, stuff like that.

It’s awful to think that she has deceived so many people. Has broken so many hearts, and all for her own selfish ends.

..sorry about this post being in blue, cant seem to fix it! 🙂

• This reply was modified 7 years ago by JayJay.
• This reply was modified 7 years ago by JayJay.