Forum Replies Created
November 29, 2014 at 3:51 am #68528
Hey Aiyana, nice to hear that you had a nice Thanksgiving. How wonderful that you’re writing a book. What is it about if I may ask? I never really published my works as a writer. Two of my short stories were published as part of a literature prize that I took part in. Other than that I made my writing public by participating in poetry slams and posting my literature on deviantart.com. But that’s as far as it went. I never pursued a career as an author so it has always been just a hobby for me. A friend of mine published her first book about two years ago though. I think she had some contacts with the publisher which helped her get it published. Networking is probably always a good thing.November 29, 2014 at 3:44 am #68527
Hey Dream, I used to feel like this when I was younger and was in a relationship, so I can definitely relate. I don’t think this is so much about your boyfriend being too good for you, but rather it’s about your deep-rooted sense of unworthiness and “not good enough”. You need to learn to love yourself and feel that you are a wonderful, worthy and lovable person. This can take a lot of time and work but you will get there if you work at it. I got there, so you can too :).
This is one part. The other part is your relationship and here you have to ask yourself (and your boyfriend) if the relationship can carry the weight of your insecurities and journey. Have you ever shared your concerns and feelings with your boyfriend? How does he think of it?
Inquire how much space your problem takes in the relationship and how much your relationhship is apart from that. They say you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself and I think there is a lot of truth to that. However, I also think that there is some space for a genuine, caring and meaningful, two-way relationship, even if one partner is struggling with self-love issues. But in that case you need to be very clear and open about it, both committed to working with it and carrying the weight of it and you need to be very aware of how it impacts the relationship.
I think you should speak with your boyfriend about the worries you have and the consequences you’re contemplating. Ask him how he feels about it and what he wants to do. Ask yourself what you are willing to do.
And don’t beat yourself up. Learning to love yourself is a journey that takes time. You are absolutely beautiful and derserving of love.November 27, 2014 at 10:19 am #68460
I’m very happy that my reply means so much to you. I feel touched by your response, thanks for your love. All the best to you xNovember 27, 2014 at 1:32 am #68450
thank you for sharing your truth with us, I appreciate your trust. What kind of writing do you like to do? I’ve written for most of my life and hold it very dear. It used to be mainly poetry, short stories and flash fiction, but lately I’ve also discovered the pleasure of blogging.
All the best to you.November 27, 2014 at 1:24 am #68449
My baby sister (strictly speaking only half sister) went through a similar situation when her parents divorced when she was five years old. It’s understandable that your step-daughter is difficult during the first hours of your contact. She is confused and probably doesn’t want to lose either of her parents. She may be afraid that by loving you and your partner, she may lose her mother. That’s why I think you’re doing exactly the right thing. You talk about her mother, not in a negative but in a positive way. You let her express her feelings. Give her the feeling that she is loved unconditionally. Give her the feeling that she doesn’t have to decide.
I don’t know if there is any possibility to ask the mother for a diplomatic and peaceful conversation on how to co-parent, communicating to her that you don’t intend any harm. Maybe even with the possibility of a mediator? But probably you’ve tried that already?
You cannot control the mother’s behaviour. You can only do your part, but you can’t change how other people behave. And it’s sad because you can see how much pain it’s causing, but you can only control your own behaviour. And by giving your step-daughter a place of love and positive communication around all parents, you are making a huge difference.
My sister is now a teenager and though she’s struggling in some aspects, she has become a very confident, strong and resilient girl, despite all the negativity she experienced. And I’m very certain that that’s because there were people in her life who gave her unconditional love and understanding.
Stay strong and positive and trust that you’re doing the best you can in your situation.
Much loveNovember 24, 2014 at 1:05 am #68314
Hey Bren, I think the problem may not be so much a physical addiction but rather a psychological/emotional conditioning. You feel stressed or sad and seek to still that pain by eating sweet food. If you can learn to accept and be with the stress without the need to get rid of it, you can weaken the conditioning between stress and food. It’s not easy and it takes time, but if you bring kindness towards yourself every time this happens, you can do it.
All the best.November 22, 2014 at 8:15 am #68238
Hey Matt, I’m sorry you’re struggling with depression. This must be really hard, especially because you say you’ve lived a very happy life before. Let me start off by saying that I am sure you can live a happier life again.
I took the time to read through your thoughts and can see that you took some time to reach your conclusions. However, I’d like to challenge a few of your thoughts if you will:
“Therefore, I and many other people who suffer from depression and anhedonia (lack of pleasure) are inferior with inferior lives compared to our much greater counterparts (the people we would of been if we instead had our full pleasure in life with little suffering in addition to our achieved greatness and in addition to our achieved benefits). We are also inferior with inferior lives compared to those who do have their full pleasure in life with little suffering and little to no depression in addition to their achieved greatness and benefits such as compassion and many other such positive forms of greatness and benefits.”
To me, this way of perceiving people is not very compassionate nor great. How can any person even be inferior? Why do we have to measure up in absolute greatness, accomplishments or happiness? How can that even be objectively measured? And what is greatness anyway? Is being great at music better than being great at selling books? Or the other way around?
I think we all come with different potentials. Who and how we are is a product of our genes, the things we’ve experienced, how we were raised, the encounters we’ve had etc. And because of these factors it can be very hard for some of us to be e.g. compassionate or accomplish things. And the same goes for feeling pleasure. I think most people are trying to be the best they can at that time. And for some it stops at with little compassion or pleasure because they just can’t do it differently at that moment.
But none of this makes anyone more or less inferior than anyone else. It just makes them who they are.
I think you need to realize the same about your own situation. I think you should accept that you’re just feeling depressed and lack pleasure at the moment. You said yourself how you notice it’s making it harder for you to be compassionate. It’s hard to be depressed so don’t view yourself as an inferior human being. View yourself as someone who is really struggling at the moment. And you’re still doing what you can with what you have. And I’m not suggesting, as you had implied in your text, that you should accept that you’re depressed now and that’s the end of the story. I think if you move from a place of accepting that you’re feeling anhedonic right now, you may lose some of the additional pain of not having happiness anymore. And it might help you in finding pleasure again in the future. I believe that you are capable of experiencing happiness again.
But just accept that you’re not doing so right now. And maybe strive for absolute bliss might be setting the expectations too high?
You say: “Some people would also say that without pain and suffering, then there can be no pleasure. But this would be false. A baby can be born into this world without having yet experienced pain or suffering and immediately feel happiness and love being in the arms of a mother.”
Actually, when a baby is born, it’s quite likely a very horrible and many hold even traumatic experience. The baby leaves the known, warm, dark womb only to be forcefully pushed outside into a cold, noisy, bright, unknown world.
We can only experience the day as bright because we know night. And we value a warm tea much more after we’ve just escaped the cold rain.
I can sense that this is a very personal issue for you and so I hope I didn’t step on your toes here. From reading this I also get the vibe that you’re a great person and I truly hope you can find your pleasure again. May I ask for how long you’ve been struggling with depression?
Much loveNovember 22, 2014 at 7:07 am #68234
I’m sorry that you’re having a really hard time right now. I think I’m having quite different thoughts from Inky, so I hope I don’t make it too confusing by adding my perspective.
It happened. This is reality and even though it might be very painful, it’s okay. Just embrace it. It’s reality, it happened, but it doesn’t determine who you are, it won’t destroy you. Sit with the pain and observe it. And as you sit with the pain, you will notice that in addition to the part of you that feels pain, there will be another part of you who observes this pain. This can help you understand that you’re more than your pain or your thoughts about what a naive person you were. They’re just thoughts, just stories you tell yourself.
Someone played with you and even though you could have seen it coming, you didn’t want to, because it was very nice to have someone give you attention and affection. You were looking for belonging and affection and he gave that to you. That makes it very easy for you to wish for more. So don’t beat yourself up for falling for him because it’s a very human thing to do. It doesn’t mean your naive or a bad person, it just means you really wanted to fulfill your needs of human connection and feeling loved.
I think it’s important for you that you gain clarity on how you want to move on in your life? Are you truly happy with your husband? If not, what is missing? And can you be truly happy with him if this secret stands between the two of you? Are things worth fixing or do you want to leave him?
I think, while this is a very painful situation for you and I’m sorry that you’re struggling so much, it’s also a great opportunity for you to reflect and explore what it is you really want and how happy you are right now.
All the best to you.November 21, 2014 at 4:47 am #68196
Hey Santiago, it’s great that you’r reaching out. I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. Is it a specific thing that you envy people for? What do you wish you could have in your life?
Maybe you’d like to try adding positive rituals into your life, such as a gratitude journal, meditation or scheduling me-time. Think about things that make you feel good.
Be gentle with yourself and accept with compassion that life feels really hard for you right now. Ask yourself what you can do to take care of yourself in a kind way when your harsh criticism strikes again.
I wish you all the best.November 21, 2014 at 4:36 am #68194
So lovely, thanks for sharing this with us, Nikki.November 19, 2014 at 11:13 am #68129
I love the idea! I love to smile at strangers. It’s so nice to give them this short moment of human connection that brings them to the present moment. The smile you’ll receive in return is one of the most gratifying gifts.
I also used to volunteer in an old people’s home where I would visit an old lady and have conversations with her. She was lonely and loved to have someone to talk to.November 19, 2014 at 11:06 am #68128
Hey David, I’m sorry to hear that you’re struggling. Like Chris said, take baby steps in cultivating a more positive mindset. I think this starts with accepting. Don’t beat yourself up for being so negative and anxious. That’s reality right now and that’s absolutely okay. Embrace yourself as you are right now and tell yourself that you’re taking steps in the right direction.
Is there a possibility for you to get involved in a small film / photo project? Something that doesn’t come with a lot of pressure or is overly large? You say you’ve lost sight of your purpose and what you enjoy, but it seems to me that you could find purpose and joy in these things as you say you’d love to do that. What about it is it that you love? What about it do you fear/dislike?
Have you ever tried a gratitude journal? Write down 5 positive or nice things that happened to you that day. You might even want to do it together with your girlfriend.
All the best to you.November 15, 2014 at 12:20 am #67852
Hey Dustin, I think a lot of people will be a little uncomfortable or taken aback initially, but as Rebecca says, if you are building good friendships, they’ll like you just like you are. Do you act self-consciously or worry about your teeth when you’re engaging in interactions with others? If you’re comfortable with your teeth and act confidently, others will get over their initial discomfort or judgement much faster.
There’s this quote by Dr. Suess which I really like: “Those who care don’t matter and those who matter don’t care.” Trust that you’ll find the right people.November 14, 2014 at 3:53 am #67817
Hey popi, I know this must be very difficult for you but I think it can be very helpful for you if feel the common humanity that everybody, and also you and your sister, share. Life is hard and sometimes it brings about nasty behaviours in people. But that doesn’t make them inherently bad or undeserving of love. I think if you can realize that your sister deserves kind treatment and good things in her life, it will be easier for you to deal with her and with your own pain. Don’t take what she’s doing personal. Keep your distance, be assertive (and it seems this can be done by clarifying things and then ignoring her if she continues) and don’t hate her for being so lost.
Anyway, I am glad to hear that she seems to have backed off for the past two days and I wish you that it stays like this. If not, I hope the tips everybody gave will be useful for you. And like you say, it’s also good to focus your energy on yourself, for instance on exercising if that’s what you love doing :).
All the best.November 14, 2014 at 3:41 am #67816
Great response Matt! And beautifully written!