Hi Kasia,

I’m glad you read through and I appreciate your input. Your writing IS good and I love “no matter what path you choose, it was the right option for you at that time. Things ALWAYS work themselves out.” I will hold onto that.

I was clear yesterday and am full of mixed emotion again today. It all comes in waves. Most days, I’d do anything for a second chance and still regret my part in this relationship not working. Some days, I just want to move on and feel like myself again.

At this point, I wouldn’t even know where to begin in trying again. His actions only show that he wants nothing to do with me. As Anita said, it was dead long ago. I believe moving toward him in any way would only cause me more grief and disappointment. I need to let go and move on for my own well being. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but, true growth comes from facing life’s challenges and learning from them.

Thank you and feel free to let me know your thoughts anytime.

Jean

Hi Anita,

Yes, these were my thoughts throughout our relationship. I always tried to shrug them off, thought it was just my insecurities from my past relationships, so I dug deep and try to work on myself more. Weekly therapy, books, journaling, meditating, the works.

He often spoke about his previous marriage and other failed relationships. I assumed, at our ages it was just part of it, we all had past relationship issues- some harder to heal from than others. The thing that stuck out was how he insisted that he picked/was attracted to dysfunctional women (which made me fearful of showing any sort of dysfunction). He never spoke of his accountability in these failed relationships. Which was a red flag that I chose to suppress due to his many, many other redeeming qualities and his very healthy outlook on the rest of life’s challenges.

My last words to him were “it’s not your fault, you just don’t know how to be in something with someone.” Sigh! I guess I always knew.

Jean

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your insight. I think that also, about bringing something dead back to life. A relationship shouldn’t be so one sided, the glue wont’ ever stick. If anything at this point, he should make and effort for closure -if nothing else. I think I did everything I could, give him space needed, make and effort to talk. Not sure if i could’ve done more?

I’m just stuck in the mode of trying to figure out what happened- so many questions. Heartbroken and a mess. Can’t let it go. I has this overwhelming need to know why he gave up so I can move on. Was it me? Was his life was too hectic and he didn’t have space for me. Is this just how he functions in relationships? How do I pick up the pieces and become whole again?

Jean

Anita,

I think you’re right. I have not been this clingy in past relationships. This is a first for me. I’m afraid of losing him and miss him often. It IS very difficult. I know that I should focus more on meeting my own needs and adhering to them. Instead of criticizing myself for having them and neglecting those needs. I will work on voicing those needs  when I am calm and not hold them in so often.

As for the text I sent last night, can you offer advice on how to handle that specifically? I’m afraid that this may have been one negative outburst too many.

Jean

Apologies for taking such a long time to respond.

I cannot thank either of you enough for your words of wisdom and advice.

@pinchofattitude I was surprised at how much sharing my story has helped. It felt good to put my emotions and thoughts into words and have such kind and inspiring feedback. I am reminding myself daily that I do deserve happiness and that no matter what happens, I’ll be ok.

@anita The thought of sharing my fears with him made me very nervous. I know you are right. To have a healthy relationship, I need to be comfortable enough to share my fears and insecurities. So, I’m taking baby steps. I am sharing a small story when the time is right and I feel comfortable. I told him about my father and summed our on and off again relationship with him. He was very attentive and it was easier than I’d expected. I did not get deep into my feelings, just a brief introduction. I also do not want him to be the fixer. So, when I open up more emotionally I will explain that these are things I’m working on and am only asking for understanding. Going this path is a big deal and is taking a lot of introspection. As I said before, I have not let myself be at this much of a risk for getting hurt in the past. And I am still worried that I will trigger that one thing he cannot deal with.

On another note, he is starting to open up more with me and I am sensing that my strong fear of rejection with him might not just come from my past. He is in his 40’s and his past relationships have not lasted more than 4 years. We covered this before but, I didn’t let it sink in. Not until this past weekend. He brought out piles of old photos to share with me and it revealed a string of old girlfriends. My sense is that he might be the guy that likes the newness of relationships but, when things get real…he bails. I’d like to hear your thoughts. Red flag? Or more of my fears looking for something wrong? I thought about asking as he was showing the photos but, I could’t find words that did sound like an interrogation.

Once again, thank you both for taking the time to give advice and encouragement!