Home→Forums→Relationships→Overcoming fear of rejection
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pinchofattitude.
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April 11, 2017 at 2:23 pm #144619
jean115ParticipantWell after mustering up the courage. I feel a strong pull to reach out on here so, here I am.
I am on the verge of 40 in a very new relationship.A little about myself. My childhood consisted of a very part time father and an alcoholic, verbal abusive step dad. Both relationships consisted of constant criticism and rejection. I lived most of my adulthood in denial that either relationship had effected me and I was not the girl with “daddy issues”.
After several failed relationships, including my marriage I came to realize the effects both had on me were tremendous. I have repeatedly either chosen relationships I could keep at a distance and easily be the rejector or become emotionally tangled with those I’d subconsciously try to fix. All of which have either taught me to grow and seek healing or have deepened my wounds of pain and rejection.
I recently spent 2 years away from the dating world. I centered in on some therapy and on a self-love healing journey. I have found passions in myself that I did not know existed and have begun the slow process of healing from the pain of my childhood and my past relationships. After embracing single life and taking some much needed time, I decided to dip my toes in back into the dating world and have been on that journey (of-and-on) for 2 years now.
The initial dating world ‘s rejection stung and reopened barely healing wounds which sent me on deeper healing journey. I took another 6 month break from dating to gain perspective and continue healing. I realized how important my self-love journey was in order to gain my own sense of self worth. I began to understand these feelings of rejection stung so much because I was not yet reinforced and secure enough within. I also realized that this would be a much longer journey than anticipated, much longer than 2 years.
Last December, after taking my 6 month break I met someone. I re-entered the dating world with the attitude of…just have fun, learn- no expectations. He is unlike any man I’ve dated. He has a very full life, hobbies, interests, is athletic, career focused as well as a great father and very empathetic and nurturing. Our general dialog is non stop and we have so much in common. We are moving slow and the pace feels very comfortable. We just established exclusivity this past weekend. I should be elated! This is everything I’ve dreamed of, worked towards. But, I am not. I spend the times we are apart extremely anxious and worried. Waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have been so wrapped up in fear that he will someday find something about me that is a deal breaker for him. Not sure what it would be but, I cant find my worth in this and my self love journey feels forgotten or as if I never started.
I’m in search of tools, advice, something I can hold strong to before I create my own fears. I should be happy, not letting my fears and insecurities get the best of me but I’m terrified. Please help!
April 12, 2017 at 12:02 pm #144757
AnonymousGuestDear jean115:
When you were a child, during those Formative Years, certain neuropathways were Formed in your brain. A good number of them have to do with the fear of being rejected. You had past relationships with men with whom you employed at any one time one of the following strategies:
1. “keep (the man) at a distance and easily be the rejector.”
2. “become emotionally tangled with those I’d subconsciously try to fix.”
These two strategies kept your anxiety down some because you either kept your distance or were busy fixing the man (however ineffectively).
The current man in your life “is unlike any man I’ve dated”- he is too decent and loving for you to keep your distance, and he is too healthy for you to fix.
A third strategy then is needed, I suggest. First, no longer tell yourself that you should be happy. A neuropathway, stuck in place with the strong glue of fear, does not disappear, or becomes undone because you met a decent, loving man. And it couldn’t have become undone by the work you did on yourself (however helpful it is) when you were NOT in a relationship.
Share with him about your fear, let him help you: share with him responsibly, that is, take responsibility for your feelings and thoughts. You don’t want him to take your past role of being the one doing the fixing of another. Share with him in moderation, so not to overwhelm him, or yourself. You may want to continue psychotherapy at this point, competent psychotherapy. Apply relaxation techniques.
I hope you post again with your thoughts/ feelings.
anita
April 13, 2017 at 6:39 am #144849
pinchofattitudeParticipantHi jean115,
Hope you are feeling better after sharing your story, so thank you for letting us in and help out.
What happened to us as a child is what wire how we think and what we are today. One great thing is that you recognized it and improved upon to become better and you also mentioned that you found your passion, good job!
The relationship that you are in right now sounds wonderful so don’t let any negative thoughts or energy affect it. I know that because you went through so much in your past that you still deep down believe you don’t deserve to be happy! PLEASE STOP! You do! What you can do is introduce him slowly about your past and how you feel about the relationship and especially him. Observe his reactions and go forth from there, if he wants exclusivity he is seeing something in you that he wants and ensure that you only with him.
If you said that you have a new attitude about having fun, LEARN and have no expectation then believe in those words because so far it’s doing well for you. LET GO of your past or you will not be able to build the future that you want! Having some fear in your life is good, it keeps you cautious about the things you decide to do but don’t let it run your life and same things with rejection. Remember NO means “Next Opportunity” so go on and enjoy life.
Love.
April 17, 2017 at 2:46 pm #145541jean115ParticipantApologies for taking such a long time to respond.
I cannot thank either of you enough for your words of wisdom and advice.
@pinchofattitude I was surprised at how much sharing my story has helped. It felt good to put my emotions and thoughts into words and have such kind and inspiring feedback. I am reminding myself daily that I do deserve happiness and that no matter what happens, I’ll be ok.
@anita The thought of sharing my fears with him made me very nervous. I know you are right. To have a healthy relationship, I need to be comfortable enough to share my fears and insecurities. So, I’m taking baby steps. I am sharing a small story when the time is right and I feel comfortable. I told him about my father and summed our on and off again relationship with him. He was very attentive and it was easier than I’d expected. I did not get deep into my feelings, just a brief introduction. I also do not want him to be the fixer. So, when I open up more emotionally I will explain that these are things I’m working on and am only asking for understanding. Going this path is a big deal and is taking a lot of introspection. As I said before, I have not let myself be at this much of a risk for getting hurt in the past. And I am still worried that I will trigger that one thing he cannot deal with.
On another note, he is starting to open up more with me and I am sensing that my strong fear of rejection with him might not just come from my past. He is in his 40’s and his past relationships have not lasted more than 4 years. We covered this before but, I didn’t let it sink in. Not until this past weekend. He brought out piles of old photos to share with me and it revealed a string of old girlfriends. My sense is that he might be the guy that likes the newness of relationships but, when things get real…he bails. I’d like to hear your thoughts. Red flag? Or more of my fears looking for something wrong? I thought about asking as he was showing the photos but, I could’t find words that did sound like an interrogation.
Once again, thank you both for taking the time to give advice and encouragement!
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