August 29, 2018 at 7:15 am #223523
Here again for some guidance.
I hadn’t intended this to be so long. But here it is.
I’ve posted before about my boyfriend and I of a year and a half. We broke up two weeks ago after a very rough six weeks of him needing space. We’d had some small disagreements that had started to cause tension in our relationship but, neither one of us took the real initiative to communicate and solve those issues. Instead, due to past relationship failures, we both became fearful, distant and introspective. We live a little less than an hour away from one another and have planted roots firmly in each of our lives but, were willing to see each other as much as possible and had many plans to move in together in the near future. For now, our time together was most often just weekends and with very little communication during the week. If he’d remember, he’d call before I went to bed for a brief summary of each other’s days. In the short year and a half, we went on many trips together, we loved doing the same things, had countless things in common, valued the same things and love each other tremendously. He became one of the greatest things that ever happened to me. But, because of this and my strong feelings for him I constantly feared losing him. I felt insecure and terrified throughout or relationship. Which is why I’ve been on here before.
It feels terrible when you realize your fears pushed things to the point of what you feared most. It makes you feel weak, completely out of control and full of remorse. To make the regrets harder to bare, it was me who ultimately ended it. After our last argument, he called and said he needed space and wanted to eliminate the stress in our relationship. I asked if he was considering a breakup and he said he just needed to think things through and he needed to focus on things like his job and kids. A week passed, and we met for coffee, we both said we loved each other and talked things through but, many things were left unclarified. He said he still needed more space and to focus on his priorities more. So, I gave him space. I text him twice but, left it simple and short. Another couple week went by-very little contact. During that time, I felt rejected and all of my worst fears came rolling in. I was losing him, I missed him terribly and I was a total mess. I couldn’t sleep, work, eat and cried constantly. I made weekly appointments with my therapist and spoke to everyone who would listen but was terrified to reach out to him in fear I’d push him to tell me he couldn’t see us together anymore. When I did speak to him, he’d just tell me he was confused, sad and felt like he couldn’t get in control of the things in his life. Finally, at week 5, I told him I couldn’t go on like this anymore. I told him we needed to talk and get things cleared up. He called that night and I asked him what was going on. He said he was afraid. Thought we were wonderful together but, was afraid of being in another dysfunctional relationship. I told him, our biggest dysfunction was not talking things through. Most of our arguments just needed some work and TLC. I also told him it felt like putting in the work was something he seemed afraid to do. I always sensed he was holding back from investing to much. Which is one of the reasons I felt so insecure. He agreed that a phone conversation was not enough and that we needed to meet face-to-face and really get to the bottom of things. He asked if I would wait until the following weekend because he would not have his kids and would be completely free to work things out. So, Thursday night before the weekend he was supposed to be free, I hadn’t heard from him. No time and place had been set. I was frustrated that he did not take any initiative to make this happen. So, I text him and asked when he intended on making this happen. By this time, I was hurt and very frustrated. He replied with he had made plans to help a friend move and wanted to know if we could meet Sunday. And that was it! I was done. I’d waited in misery for weeks and waited another week for him to be free and he made other plans. I told him he was not invested, and I need to just get my things on Sunday. I was past being patient and just wanted to rip the band aid off. In my mind he was done and just too much of a coward to end things himself. So, when I picked up my stuff. I reiterated that he was not in this, has shown that he was not for a long time and didn’t deserve me. When I left he was crying and he hugged me goodbye.
Now, I’m obsessed. I can’t get him out of my head. I want to go back and do everything over. I don’t want to live without him and can’t understand how we ended up like this. I know some people are just not compatible but, we were! He was the one imagined my future with. What do I do at this point? Do I try to rekindle? Leave it alone? I can’t see what’s best for me through all the emotions.August 29, 2018 at 7:36 am #223531AnonymousGuest
I think I would have lost my patience too, if I was in your place. He should have made talking with you face to face a priority that weekend, a priority over helping a friend move!
You officially ended the relationship but reads to me that it was dying for a while before you called it officially dead.
You asked, “Do I try to rekindle?” If you try to rekindle and succeed, wouldn’t you be bringing something dead back to being almost dead?
anitaAugust 29, 2018 at 7:46 am #223533RoseParticipant
Honestly, I would give it more time. It’s important to take time to yourself after an important relationship no matter how you’re feeling. It may not just be that you miss him, but also miss being in a relationship, and of course you miss the future you thought you had together. Pay attention to how you continue to feel, but two weeks is not enough time to sort through everything properly. Sending good vibes ❤️August 29, 2018 at 7:57 am #223547MarkParticipant
I see every relationship as a learning opportunity about myself, who I am and how I “do” relationship.
Examine why things have not worked, what was your part in this and what was his. You already pointed out your insecurity and fears. You have experienced his fears; his lack of communication and commitment.
You have experienced his actions/non-actions in wanting this relationship. Wake up and smell the coffee and then proceed accordingly.
MarkAugust 29, 2018 at 7:58 am #223549
Thank you for your insight. I think that also, about bringing something dead back to life. A relationship shouldn’t be so one sided, the glue wont’ ever stick. If anything at this point, he should make and effort for closure -if nothing else. I think I did everything I could, give him space needed, make and effort to talk. Not sure if i could’ve done more?
I’m just stuck in the mode of trying to figure out what happened- so many questions. Heartbroken and a mess. Can’t let it go. I has this overwhelming need to know why he gave up so I can move on. Was it me? Was his life was too hectic and he didn’t have space for me. Is this just how he functions in relationships? How do I pick up the pieces and become whole again?
JeanAugust 29, 2018 at 8:07 am #223553
Thank you, Rose and Mark.
Time and retrospect haven’t been on my agenda. Keep wanting to find the answers, solve this and move on. Time heals and I will wait for clarity.August 29, 2018 at 8:10 am #223555AnonymousGuest
In regards to “Was it me?”- I am leaning towards No, it wasn’t you. My reason is because he wasn’t fully in the relationship from the very beginning, so it wasn’t like he was in, got to know you and then withdrew. He was withdrawn from the beginning before knowing you and remained so.
Reads to me that he had significant misgivings about having a relationship at all, concerns, distress that he had before he met you. What do you think?
anitaAugust 29, 2018 at 8:28 am #223565
Yes, these were my thoughts throughout our relationship. I always tried to shrug them off, thought it was just my insecurities from my past relationships, so I dug deep and try to work on myself more. Weekly therapy, books, journaling, meditating, the works.
He often spoke about his previous marriage and other failed relationships. I assumed, at our ages it was just part of it, we all had past relationship issues- some harder to heal from than others. The thing that stuck out was how he insisted that he picked/was attracted to dysfunctional women (which made me fearful of showing any sort of dysfunction). He never spoke of his accountability in these failed relationships. Which was a red flag that I chose to suppress due to his many, many other redeeming qualities and his very healthy outlook on the rest of life’s challenges.
My last words to him were “it’s not your fault, you just don’t know how to be in something with someone.” Sigh! I guess I always knew.
JeanAugust 29, 2018 at 8:57 am #223575AnonymousGuest
That he “never spoke of his accountability in these failed relationships”, and spoke only about the women in his life as the dysfunctional ones, that is a red flag, I agree.
“I guess I always knew””- it is amazing to me, to … know all the things I made believe were not so, in my life, because I didn’t want them to be so, because I needed them to be different.
anitaAugust 29, 2018 at 9:07 am #223577
I sincerely appreciate your insight. I am beyond grateful for some kind of clarity in all this and you have given me that. I know now the only thing I can do at this point is focus on myself and my own well-being. I have learned many things in this relationship that will help me grow and learn to trust myself more. Those two things alone are worth everything.
Thank you again,
JeanAugust 29, 2018 at 9:35 am #223583AnonymousGuest
You are welcome. Your recent post reads to me very wise. Do post anytime you would like and I will be glad to respond to you every time.
anitaAugust 29, 2018 at 10:44 am #223607AsjaParticipant
I am not a psychologist to give recomendations.
And suffered too as you are.
Just want to give you a shoulder, and say .. stay positive dear.. things will gona be good.
Life is going on. Focus on good.August 29, 2018 at 12:23 pm #223627BrandyParticipant
You make a lot of sense to me. If I were you I would not try to rekindle this or contact him at all. Give him the space he needs to figure his own stuff out. I hope you no longer feel “regretful”, the title of your thread, because I don’t see anything you’ve done as regrettable.
Surround yourself with supportive friends and take it one day at time.
BAugust 29, 2018 at 1:33 pm #223641Kasia LiszkaParticipant
Today I woke up to an email from Tiny Buddha about your post. I don’t even remember signing up to receive email notifications, but I read the email anyway. As I was reading I was wondering if it was a post of mine from two years ago. Your words and your experience sounded so, so familiar to what I went through myself. Except my story had an ending…I left him for good.
The reason I’m telling you this is because I am regretful to this day that I left him. And I feel that you need to know. I really think you should try to get back with him. Otherwise, you will always be regretful like me. But remember please, if he doesn’t want to get back or changes his mind, or you give it another shot and it doesn’t work: leave it. It’s not meant to be. But it’s better to give it one last chance than to live in regret that you didn’t try. And on being so overwhelmed with emotions that you can’t see clearly: no matter what path you choose, it was the right option for you at that time. Things ALWAYS work themselves out.
I’m sorry, I’m not a good writer. But I needed to share my story with you.
August 30, 2018 at 5:53 am #223707
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by Kasia Liszka.
I’m glad you read through and I appreciate your input. Your writing IS good and I love “no matter what path you choose, it was the right option for you at that time. Things ALWAYS work themselves out.” I will hold onto that.
I was clear yesterday and am full of mixed emotion again today. It all comes in waves. Most days, I’d do anything for a second chance and still regret my part in this relationship not working. Some days, I just want to move on and feel like myself again.
At this point, I wouldn’t even know where to begin in trying again. His actions only show that he wants nothing to do with me. As Anita said, it was dead long ago. I believe moving toward him in any way would only cause me more grief and disappointment. I need to let go and move on for my own well being. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do but, true growth comes from facing life’s challenges and learning from them.
Thank you and feel free to let me know your thoughts anytime.