Hi there Emma,

I saw your post and I’ve never written on any online forum or things like that but I really felt that I should try to help you any way I can because of how much your story reminded me of me and my first boyfriend. We lived in the same dormitory in college and we became fast friends and started dating soon after that. We saw each other everyday, studied together, and spent much of our free time hanging out. After two years, I started becoming very attached like you, always wanting to spend all my time with him, begging him not to leave at night, feeling left out if he had other plans that I couldn’t attend. I was very unhappy at this point and became anxious as well. I realized that I was unhappy because I became too dependent on him. Things became much better when I would go out with my own friends regularly, have days where I spent just with myself, and try to grow as my own person. We still spent lots of time together but I made it a point to have time for myself too. I’m not sure this is the case with you, but having a life outside of my relationship and focusing on myself was really beneficial for me. Maybe the fact that you two lived together wasn’t allowing you to have this ‘me time.’ My boyfriend and I never lived together but after spending a few weeks at his place before I moved into mine, I could see that it could be stressful and be the reason for the increase in arguing.

As for the trouble with sex, I can’t speak for everyone but for me, my first handful of experiences were similar to yours! At first painful but then as my body adjusted, it was no longer uncomfortable. But honestly it was months of figuring out what worked before I really started to enjoy myself. It takes time with your first and he seems to really care about you and be willing to put in the effort to make things work. Don’t feel the pressure to HAVE to do anything. Just remember that if he loves you he will understand! And from what you’ve said, your boyfriend seems very loving and understanding. At first, I used to feel bad too but then I realized that my boyfriend didn’t want sex for himself, he wanted to have it with me and it mattered more to him that I was comfortable and enjoying myself. I know its frustrating, but at least for me, it gets better with time and practice.

I’m really sorry your family isn’t supportive of your relationship and it makes complete sense why you are very stressed and anxious. When I first began my relationship I was sooo worried what my family would think, would they approve, etc. I wasn’t able to fully be myself around my boyfriend because I was holding off because of what other people thought of me. It took a long time (six month) for me to be comfortable enough to tell my parents and start calling him my boyfriend. But once I got it off my chest and stopped caring too much, everything was so much better! I realize that things are a lot more complicated for you with your family but maybe try to reach an understanding with them. I know its sometimes harder for the older generation to accept things that they were taught were ‘inappropriate’. But its not impossible! People can come to change their ideas with time and by the meeting and getting to know the people they are prejudiced toward. I know you might feel like they won’t understand, and maybe for a while they won’t, but if you really want to be with him and not have the stress of your family causing problems in the relationship, this seems like an issue you have to resolve.

In terms of him leaving and you staying to finishing your classes, I was in the same position with my boyfriend this past summer. I was struggling with the decision to break up before the summer so I’d have time to get used to being without him when he left for medical school across the country. So we decided to stop seeing each other romantically and hang out just as friends a month before he left. It was reallyyyy hard to accept and I was very upset for weeks crying everyday. But after a while it got better and having him in my life as a friend and still hanging out was much better than not having him in my life at all. I’m not trying to say that this is the right thing for you to do when the time come for him to leave, but know that just because someone moves away, it doesn’t mean that they have to be out of our lives forever. If you love him and want to be with him, don’t let the fact that he has to eventually move away for college stop you from being together now while you can. There is lots of time to figure out what to do when he has to move away.

I think the best thing you can do for yourself is take the next weeks before you start school and really think about all the things that are bothering you and try to sort them out on your own. Mediate on them, pray about them. I know you’re going to miss your boyfriend a lot but being apart for this short amount of time can be really beneficial in the long run. Maybe let your him know that you still care about him and want to be with him, but you need sometime to work things out by yourself. Its important to talk to friends, but DON’T let their opinions influence you too much. This is your life and you have to make yourself happy not your friend, your family, or anyone else. I’m not saying to completely disregard everyone’s opinion, but take what people say with a grain of salt. Having stress from family, living with your significant other, and moving things too quickly are things that cause couples problems all the time.

The fact that he decided to delay his studies means that he really wants to be with you. People don’t put off great opportunities like that for someone they’re lukewarm about. (Or at least most of the people I know wouldn’t) You seem to really love him as well and I think that if you’re able to work out the things that are causing you stress, you will be able to be in a happier and healthier relationship. Seeing as this is your first relationship, it would be crazy if there weren’t any bumps in the road. I really hope that you are able to work things out and whatever happens, in the end you that are happy!

Take care,
J