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Jennifer Karl

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  • in reply to: Breaking up with my best friend and first love #64663
    Jennifer Karl
    Participant

    I think asking him to wait for you under these circumstances isn’t selfish at all at least not in a negative way. Being honest and saying that you need time to work on yourself and telling him that you would want try again when you are emotionally ready is the best way to give you two a fair shot at succeeding in the future. I think that anyone who cares about you will understand and want what’s best for you as well. You have to risk the fact that he might not want to get back together some time down the road in order to get to a place where you can be in a healthy relationship if he does. Like you said, if you get back together too soon, the problems might resurface. There are people that get back together over worse circumstances than yours and after being apart a long time. There’s also people don’t. Not to say that it is certain your ex will want to wait but its not like you’ve done something horrible and he does seem to love you a lot. I think that most people would give someone under circumstances like yours a second try.

    I was the same way as your ex and NEVER thought that I could be friends with my ex. (the boy from college is the same one that I recently broke up with) People say that you can’t be friends with exs but honestly I think it depends on the circumstances of the break-up, how good of friends you were before, maturity level etc. This ex of mine isn’t friends with any of his exs before me so it all depends. So a month before he left we decided to break up but still see each other to hang out just without anything sexual. It was strange because I still felt the same way about him but had to hold back from kissing him, etc. The first month I constantly struggled with whether or not I wanted to have him in my life at all. At times, I would be so jealous of any female friends I’d see him with and I’d say to myself ‘I quit I don’t want to do it anymore.’ But then there were days where I wanted to talk to him or time he’d be the only person who I’d wanted to go to the beach with because he’s my best friend. I’ve lost touch with good friends before and I regret it that I let it happen. It didn’t make sense to me to lose touch with him too by cutting him out of my life since I knew he really cared about me and he was really trying to be my friends. Also I knew I wouldn’t see him again for 6 months to a year. But to be honest, I don’t know what I will feel if I see him again. Perhaps if we were still in the same area it would be too hard to be friends due to the attraction/jealousy. And I know there may come a time where we won’t be as close of friends because of new boy/girlfriends. I don’t want to underemphasize the struggle to get to this point (2.5 months) where the two of us are ok as friends. For me it’s been worth it, but I know for others it’s not worth the pain. Basically my point is you have to figure it all out for yourself when the time comes. You may think that being friends or not being friends is what you want, but then come to change your mind or realize that what you chose doesn’t work. I think that both ways involve a struggle and some heartache. All you can do it put in the effort, its up to him to accept it or not.

    Just be honest with him about how you feel when you meet up and don’t feel bad about putting yourself first. To me, asking him to wait lets him know you still want him in your life but realize there are problems you need to address, which he should understand. Eventually, if you do give it a try again, try to take it slow and remember not to get too caught up in loving the other person that you forget about yourself. (I know that this easier said than done!) I don’t know if you heard of the movie Ae Fond Kiss, but parts of its story somewhat reminds me of yours. Maybe watching will give you a little courage and cheer you up 🙂

    Wishing you all the best!

    in reply to: Breaking up with my best friend and first love #64579
    Jennifer Karl
    Participant

    Hi there Emma,

    I saw your post and I’ve never written on any online forum or things like that but I really felt that I should try to help you any way I can because of how much your story reminded me of me and my first boyfriend. We lived in the same dormitory in college and we became fast friends and started dating soon after that. We saw each other everyday, studied together, and spent much of our free time hanging out. After two years, I started becoming very attached like you, always wanting to spend all my time with him, begging him not to leave at night, feeling left out if he had other plans that I couldn’t attend. I was very unhappy at this point and became anxious as well. I realized that I was unhappy because I became too dependent on him. Things became much better when I would go out with my own friends regularly, have days where I spent just with myself, and try to grow as my own person. We still spent lots of time together but I made it a point to have time for myself too. I’m not sure this is the case with you, but having a life outside of my relationship and focusing on myself was really beneficial for me. Maybe the fact that you two lived together wasn’t allowing you to have this ‘me time.’ My boyfriend and I never lived together but after spending a few weeks at his place before I moved into mine, I could see that it could be stressful and be the reason for the increase in arguing.

    As for the trouble with sex, I can’t speak for everyone but for me, my first handful of experiences were similar to yours! At first painful but then as my body adjusted, it was no longer uncomfortable. But honestly it was months of figuring out what worked before I really started to enjoy myself. It takes time with your first and he seems to really care about you and be willing to put in the effort to make things work. Don’t feel the pressure to HAVE to do anything. Just remember that if he loves you he will understand! And from what you’ve said, your boyfriend seems very loving and understanding. At first, I used to feel bad too but then I realized that my boyfriend didn’t want sex for himself, he wanted to have it with me and it mattered more to him that I was comfortable and enjoying myself. I know its frustrating, but at least for me, it gets better with time and practice.

    I’m really sorry your family isn’t supportive of your relationship and it makes complete sense why you are very stressed and anxious. When I first began my relationship I was sooo worried what my family would think, would they approve, etc. I wasn’t able to fully be myself around my boyfriend because I was holding off because of what other people thought of me. It took a long time (six month) for me to be comfortable enough to tell my parents and start calling him my boyfriend. But once I got it off my chest and stopped caring too much, everything was so much better! I realize that things are a lot more complicated for you with your family but maybe try to reach an understanding with them. I know its sometimes harder for the older generation to accept things that they were taught were ‘inappropriate’. But its not impossible! People can come to change their ideas with time and by the meeting and getting to know the people they are prejudiced toward. I know you might feel like they won’t understand, and maybe for a while they won’t, but if you really want to be with him and not have the stress of your family causing problems in the relationship, this seems like an issue you have to resolve.

    In terms of him leaving and you staying to finishing your classes, I was in the same position with my boyfriend this past summer. I was struggling with the decision to break up before the summer so I’d have time to get used to being without him when he left for medical school across the country. So we decided to stop seeing each other romantically and hang out just as friends a month before he left. It was reallyyyy hard to accept and I was very upset for weeks crying everyday. But after a while it got better and having him in my life as a friend and still hanging out was much better than not having him in my life at all. I’m not trying to say that this is the right thing for you to do when the time come for him to leave, but know that just because someone moves away, it doesn’t mean that they have to be out of our lives forever. If you love him and want to be with him, don’t let the fact that he has to eventually move away for college stop you from being together now while you can. There is lots of time to figure out what to do when he has to move away.

    I think the best thing you can do for yourself is take the next weeks before you start school and really think about all the things that are bothering you and try to sort them out on your own. Mediate on them, pray about them. I know you’re going to miss your boyfriend a lot but being apart for this short amount of time can be really beneficial in the long run. Maybe let your him know that you still care about him and want to be with him, but you need sometime to work things out by yourself. Its important to talk to friends, but DON’T let their opinions influence you too much. This is your life and you have to make yourself happy not your friend, your family, or anyone else. I’m not saying to completely disregard everyone’s opinion, but take what people say with a grain of salt. Having stress from family, living with your significant other, and moving things too quickly are things that cause couples problems all the time.

    The fact that he decided to delay his studies means that he really wants to be with you. People don’t put off great opportunities like that for someone they’re lukewarm about. (Or at least most of the people I know wouldn’t) You seem to really love him as well and I think that if you’re able to work out the things that are causing you stress, you will be able to be in a happier and healthier relationship. Seeing as this is your first relationship, it would be crazy if there weren’t any bumps in the road. I really hope that you are able to work things out and whatever happens, in the end you that are happy!

    Take care,
    J

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