I see what your saying, sometimes I do find myself in thought wondering what my limit is, and is it him that pushes me there?

The one thing that really did catch my eye within your post was you said you searched “Is he good for me” I find myself in thoughts of constantly trying to differentiate between “someone who is good to me..someone who is good for me”?

I still have no answer to that.

I was recently watching this Oprah interview with her and Reese Witherspoon and they talked about basically the levels in which you allow your lines to be crossed just because a person doesn’t physically do something to you.

Sometimes I do feel like I allow him to bring me out of character because what he does is tapping on over the line. Sometimes I do feel like I say sorry more than I really should or have to chock up a grievance of mine up as a loss to just keep the piece.

Another thing you said was about how you were so focused on fixing the two of you that you no longer had energy to consistently focusing on yourself.

He has asked me, what would I do if I didn’t have to project my energy towards us. I told him in half a second no hesitation; my health.

I gained a lot of weight and its not that I can’t lose weight and live a health lifestyle with him. Its just that I need a consistent positive environment to produce change. His wishy washy moodiness stifles that. Because I care for him so I absorb his mood and usually he is mean when he’s mad so that usually ends up making me upset, angry, what ever and I no longer can focus on what I need to have a efficient complete day. Like if for 2-3 days straight you are eating healthy, getting in your water, enough sleep, good sleep, no stress, then BOOM he’s mad on Thursday he manages to drag it out long enough that when you get home now you don’t want to cook. Or you argue for hours now its 12am and you don’t get enough sleep. Or even just the general stress that comes with waking up in the space of someone with a attitude.

Thats a very frustrating quality: How dedicated he is to staying upset. Or at least that is what it seems like to me.

In my head I literally don’t have the time to stay mad over an hour…2 tops. But he can literally stay mad for days if I let him.

In our relationship I would say of 100%

35-40% conflict (down from 60-55%) and of that 35-40%  I would say 80% of that are things he is upset about.

With his 80% I would say only about 30% of the time he will say what you did to actually upset him.

Overall, typing this his communication level is just novice. He literally says “Talking doesn’t solve anything/ Talking doesn’t mean anything/ Words mean nothing” etc.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Jenny Lynn.

Wow all that crunched into one passage is a lot of feeling all at one time.

I am seeing the idea you were outlining.

So I guess that’s what I do next. I’ll look into that.

Yes, what you said makes sense. He tells me that its not my fault. He said in a round about of sorts basically yeah he gained 50lbs; because the women he loves happens to enjoy cooking and going out to eat and if she’s making cupcakes “I GUESS IM eating cupcakes” lol. He’s told me, even if he could go back he would do it again. That makes me feel better but I still hate to see him so down.

As I child it just always seemed like no one really cared about how I actually FELT. They concerned themselves about my WELLBEING , my “NEEDS” and sustenance of my life.

My feelings were easily hurt. In hindsight though typing this now the thought actually comes into my head that maybe It wasn’t that my feelings were hurt so easily as much as people never really cared about how they spoke to me or what they said about me.

I used to cry a lot as a child (7-14). Pretty close to hysterically I used to get stress nose bleeds as a younger child when I would cry, it was a lot.

Nobody has really ever asked me that before but even trying to remember to answer you I have this memory of being a child laying on a couch crying  and as an adult now I can in a sort still refeel that moment…I don’t kno those feelings felt like yes someone must have hurt my feelings or done something but more so I wanted someone to acknowledge me crying…so I would keep crying. The idea that no one cared that I was crying made me cry more, made me sadder. I remember getting up after some time. and the entire pillow I was crying on was covered in blood and my nose was gushing blood…NOW she (my mom) cared..

Even my family there was a moment I just felt like they DO NOT CARE how what they did, or what they just said makes me feel.

I was for lack of a better word; CRY-shamed. I stopped expressing my emotions basically at that point.

I used to take so much pride in not crying. Now as an adult I know that’s really nothing to feel good about or not.

When I was 14 my mom went to prison. I was in a pretty emotionally hostile living situation after that. I remember from that time till I graduated being pretty miserable and not really being able to do anything about it.

When I graduated I moved 4 hours away to college, I didn’t know a single person here, and I just left. I’ve been slowly growing apart from really everyone in my family. I see them holidays. We barely talk, but the thing about it is, I know they don’t care.

For most of my life I felt like a burden. I just feel like people/family really only cared about if I had what I needed to live and survive; because my mom wasn’t always doing what she should have, but even her included that was the priority.. no one actually ever really cared if I was happy, or how I was feeling, no one inquired.

So I guess I had to stop caring about being happy because as a child no one cared about it either. To me happiness is not an noun its more like a adjective. When it comes to childrens happiness, I feel like in a wayits a learned behavior. Its a learned set of skills and coping mechanism down to seeing the best out of a situation to working hard at what you love.

Its weird because my brother had that; he had a extension of our family that gave him that stability.

But I just don’t feel it. I never got it, I’ve never felt that feeling of real happiness.

Okay. Talk to you tomm! 🙂

This is very true. I’ll not do that comparison.

So any tips on how I can try to attend to his moodiness but not absorb it.

He is really sour sometimes and some of the things he does when I am trying to just be nice makes me get irritated and it escalates things.

Should I just leave him alone?

That’s what I did yesterday. I gave a valorous effort to see what was wrong with him. We bickered for a second and I swooped us up right out of that and de-escalated it. He came a little around later in the evening.

But this morning same moodiness I was talking to him. He clearly heard me and ignored me. I just looked at him got up and finished getting ready in the living room and came back in to tell him bye and he still was acting silly.

Thru messages now he seems ok. But you never know till you see him. So I guess I will find out in 4 hours.

______________________

But I agree after this week of him working I am going to inquire on what is financial stressors are. What we have to do to be stable and start saving and what my expectations are of him as well financially.

He kind of disappointed me a little Anita. The fact that he put us in a financial strain like that. Even making me feel like he wouldn’t have his half of the rent knowing I don’t make enough money to pay his share of everything. When I am getting up every morning for 6 weeks going to work and your still in the bed. I would really wonder “what did he do all day?” Like you could have been doing Uber all this time. I just don’t know what he was thinking.

I felt like he kept saying and implying that money was low, but was doing nothing to help it.

___

BIG AND SMALL Shar.

When I am act small. Examples of me being small (I may exhibit any 2 of these at anytime); When I act introverted. Homebody like. I don’t interact with other people. I am barely on my phone. Like hes basically my whole life.

When I know in my head. truthfully I am a extrovert, I am just depressed. I am the life of the party, 97.5% of people like me. I have my friends that I see often, I go out, I socially interact with people, I DO WHAT I WANT, I have male friends, I touch my phone OR NOT touch my phone whenever I want. If I want to get up at 12am and go to Jimmys house I do. If I want to go out with my girl friends & stay out till 3am I would do that.

He got to know me when I acted the least like who I was, ever in my life. Sometimes I wonder if he fell in love with that girl. and that’s why we conflict sometimes because when I do something out of that “small” frame he takes it like I am not being genuine.

But I don’t want to be who I am right now. I don’t like her. She’s boring and needs to get a life (all jokes aside).

I wont stay this way just because it makes him uncomfortable, because this isn’t who I am. I feel not myself.

But its been so long its hard to see I forget sometimes and then I see something like a old photo of myself and I just am like “hey! I liked her!!”

I don’t remember when the switch in my head flipped and I revolved my choices around him but I know it was before I was in a relationship with him though.

He wasn’t bringing in any income. From the First week of Dec up until about 2 weeks ago he didn’t have a job.

Being completely honest not trying to be mean but it was his fault. He put all his eggs in one basket for another job that was a long shot and failed to have a plan B and he literally had been doing nothing. He got a job the 2nd week of January. Then he also started doing Uber so when he had ran into some car trouble I told him that since he had done Uber for a full week and got to see how that went. Don’t go to this job making $11 just do that right. He was averaging $15-$20 an hour and I let him drive my car and he would drop me off at work for a week while he waited for his car part etc. etc.

I am about to just say this the bluntest way I can because you know I love him but these are just the facts. As of late its like every third thing that comes out of his mouth is  a complaint, moan and groan, then complain some more. About whatever.

Even with Uber he will complain about the rides being low. I have to explain to him jobs like that (servers, piece work, etc) it about the big picture. I used to work in Medical claims and got paid by the claim. You drive yourself NUTS thinking everyday you are short or you have more or less.  I told him don’t pay attention to that its about what you have at the end of the week or the end of 3-4 days. But he still complains I just let him now.

Or he will complain about his money being low and to me its like YOU DIDNT WORK FOR ALMOST A MONTH AND A HALF!! But furthermore what does he expect me to do about it. I work 40 HOURS a week and find other things to subsidize our income like secret shoppers and things; and I’m not about to more than that just because for some reason you felt like it was okay to go that long without a job OR a plan!

Uber happened because I made it happen and He acts like I have to do all that type of stuff for him. I don’t get that but I just look at it like “ok he does stuff for me that I could do myself” so I move past it.

But even after the first week he didn’t even work 30 hours. I had to have a talk with him like NO, If I go to work 40 hours MY MAN needs to be working at that or more than me. Seriously.

He even told me he missed 2 of his car payments I was shocked considering if you remember he was working all those hours when me and him weren’t that peachy. Where did the money go? I am confused. He said it wasn’t that much and he was catching up before and some other stuff.

Our rent being due was stressing him.

Also I feel like him being unhappy with his weight gain is REALLY starting to overwhelm him.

His moodiness comes off as so spiteful to me that I really need to learn how to just look thru it. Because bad attitudes are contagious. Today he woke up in some silly little mood. I had to really focus all my energy into not flipping out just because of how he acts.

We did get into quite a big argument last week about that topic overall.

——————–

My mom though; let me break that down. So you know when someone close in your life experiences something drastic like having a baby and then for a second just a second you think about babies. Its kind of like that.

She had been with this man for like 3 years. He was great to her they were great together. She told me they argued a bit too but overall they lived a pretty decent existence together. Trips, Dates, Love, he proposed to her in front of a whole Baseball Stadium. THEN BOOM! me and her didn’t talk for a few weeks over the incident with the job thing and the next time I talk to her she tells me they not talking for 2 weeks and then I talked to her again and she said they still hadn’t talked. They didn’t live together so I guess just ghosting on someone is a thing. But I can tell it hurt her but she was just like it doesn’t matter anyways because she has reached out to him and he didn’t respond she said if he can go 2 weeks without seeing or talking to me he can go a lifetime so even if he did call it wouldn’t  matter now.

I thought damn mama. I’ve noticed in women sometimes we reverse role on our moms.

Like I have a friends whos mom was a push over VERY docile. Now she is almost emotionally abusive to her BF because the amount of control she feels the need to have to avoid what she saw in her mother.

My mom has always been a shot caller in her relationships. I’ve never know her to attach her being to a man. She lives for herself. And here my ass is just cannot resist the urge to want to feel loved by a man or get something shoot idk what I’m searching for…

So she just made me think about my level of tolerance in my own relationship; but also the fact that its “too each is own” another women can’t tell you what is too much for you.

You feel it inside I guess.

Especially when its not as cut and dry as “He hits you” or “He curses you out and yells at you”

________________________

Endingggg question I am going to say it literally in context of my life.

Mentally/Physically I have been in better places than the year 2017 and right now.

In hindsight I can really say I was going thru some serious depression (still am) but uncontrollably affecting my everyday actions. My relationship that I was very invested in ended. I gained ALOT of weight. I graduated from college and no longer felt passion for my field.

Sometimes my mind crosses the thought that maybe he was attracted to that person. “Small me” figuratively not literally.

When I felt smaller, when I acted small like everything he did was the greatest and completed me or made me happy since I wasn’t. That fulfilled him in a way too.

Then when I want to be BIG when I want to be who I am. We conflict because to him I’m doing a lot, or being someone I am not when to me I’m just trying to get back to the person I am. He doesn’t feel as needed maybe…

I find it conflicting to see through the idea of  IF I am changing and aging and growing as a 24 year old to not wanting certain things anymore like I used to or is he deterring me from them?

These are all just my thoughts running ramped in my head. Haven’t talked to anyone about this in a while

Yeah things overall have been better will me tending to him more.

I think what I really need is to get a handle on not letting how he is feelings get to me and alter my mood too.

Like his mood lately aside from everything I just said has been reallllllly wearing on my nerves.

Because at the same time I understand his frustrations. Its always annoying when someone complains about a situation they could have avoided if theyd just done more.