he was all emotional and upset that he came all the way and I can’t meet him. I was screaming on the phone that what about when I was all out wanting only to talk to you, then I get nothing and now when I’m trying to stabilize, you do this?

Dear Anita,

Exactly, it is exactly that. And I think also that he does give me 100 or say even a 150% of love when I leave. Then he’ll call me, show genuine care, be appreciative and basically everything that comprises my concept of 100% love. So that keeps my hopes running that he is giving me 20% love in general but is actually capable of 100%, and all my efforts are spent in trying to make him give the same 100% that he gives after I leave, when I’m actually with him.

I think had he been the same when I’m there and when I leave, I would have understood after a while that he’s incapable of giving me 100% love but the fact that, in certain situations he does give me my perfect love, keeps me hanging. God, this is so difficult. But you’ve been right, I’m stuck and I’m spending my energy in the wrong place. I’ve tried every way, including reasoning it with him but he either only refuses being different when I get back with him and says I’m just the same or will seem to understand and promise to not repeat it but he does.  I might as well spend all that energy on myself. I hope I can pull this through this time.

Hi,

Thank you so much you all, for all your advice, it’s been helping me stay strong. So it’s been 3 more weeks and in total around 2 months since I left, after being treated badly and feeling like a doormat. As always happens and was expected, he’s now pursuing me, now that I’ve stopped calling, texting, have broken up and shut my phone off. Every time I check my phone, it has messages and calls from him, sometimes for days together and sometimes at the gap of few days. Had it been any other time, I would have accepted his apologies, we would’ve got back together only to repeat the cycle again. This time, however, having been completely devastated and after advice from all of you, I’ve been keeping myself strong and not reacting to anything. I have replied a few times to his texts when he wrote really emotional stuff (couldn’t hold back) but nothing in affirmative. I’ve been trying as hard as I can to keep my guard this time and not let him in.

However, what isn’t changing is the constant thought in my head. I’m having difficulty in really understanding what I really want at this stage. I know I’m not going back to him, not so soon at least, not until months or may be even a year, not until he really assures me that he won’t treat me like he does every time, again. I’m saying maybe not until even a year because when we were together and he didn’t love me enough, I also always had the feeling that if I really go away from his life, like disappear, he won’t wait or look out for me for long and that, may be, was one of the reasons why I quickly reconciled when he used to apologize. I was always scared of taking my time to process my hurt in case I lose him by that time. That is the reason I even today keep checking my phone to see if he’s still there for me or not, or sometimes even reply to his texts to keep my presence in his life, I have this fear that if I go radio silent, he might just forget and move on. He always gave me that vibe that he loves me because I’m there, the day I leave and disappear, he’ll be over me. Now i do not know whether that is true or just a thing in my head but this time, I want to get rid of this insecurity and so take my time to process all my feelings which I’ve kept suppressed all this while, may be even a year and see what happens after that. I am secretly wishing with all my heart that I still see him waiting for me after a year but I’m everyday ghosted with the possibility of what if I just decide to confront him after a year, only to see him having moved on.

I don’t know if all this is even making sense. I read up on the net, read posts here and hear stories of men who waited on their women for years after a break up and hope that may be my love also proves to be that strong but I really don’t know. I don’t know what I want, I think I want a future with him but only after he takes the initiative to change his ways for real and doesn’t just say so to get us back, only after I’m assured that he does love me and will hold on for me both in the present and the future, even if we are parted for long, say months or a year. Does this really happen? Is there any chance that he may be there for me months later, or am I just being too optimistic? I don’t know. Please help, any advice will be great.

Thanks Anita. This gave me a lot of perspective.

One last thing. Now I’ve left. I talked with him, also wrote him down a text (as by the time we got to the last leg, our conversations always inflated into a fight so, I could only sanely say all that I wanted to before I leave, through a message) and I’ve shut my phone down. I live alone on my own and while no phone makes certain things difficult, I need to zone out from everything in order to feel human again and also resist the constant yearning to call him or answer his calls (as I know he would have been calling everyday now that I’ve left). The usual thing is I leave for 10-15 days, he calls and we get back together but this time, I’ve been too hurt to go through the grind again. I know he’ll be taken aback this time as this is the longest I’ve ever been away without any contact.

As I’ve read elsewhere too and as A4U also said that men understand distance more than words or tears, this time I’m determined to have both distance and silence for at least a longer period of time say even a few months if I have to, to help me be alone and feel better (I process thoughts better when I’m left on my own)  and also to let him see that he cannot goof up every time and get my love back with a few days of apologies. He’ll have to understand now and know that I at least want my share of love and respect and only then will I be back with him, because deep down, I really still want him, just that I want him to understand how his behavior is hurtful and having failed at making him understand, this silent distancing is my last shot. However, I’m everyday haunted by the thought of what if in the next 2-3 months of no contact, he forgets me? A part of me tells me that he won’t considering that we’ve been emotionally deeply involved for a long period of 6 years but another part of me can’t stop doubting. I do not know. Is it likely that the course I’m taking now might just fix this up between us or am I more likely to see him move on in his life? I’m just so confused, I can really do with someone else’s perspective on this.

Thanks Radhika 🙂

Anita, oh, alright, I didn’t get it earlier.
So this is one of the many examples. the background is-  He doesn’t talk to me when he’s in office, like never, not even a one second call. I know he gets lunch breaks in office since I have other friends in the same office and the work atmosphere is not really strict (since he’s at a comfortable post) but no matter what happens, he never answers my calls in office. Even when a close relative of mine died and I was all berserk, he didn’t call me once on his own until way after his office got over. Flip side, I used to excuse myself from my office meetings if he ever called, maybe wrong but just that he was always, always my priority. So i learnt my lesson early on that I will not contact him in his office simply because I’ve better odds at dying in the process than him talking to me.
So this one time, we weren’t able to talk properly for many days, he was like always too busy to talk and it was getting difficult. Also, whenever we did talk, he used to talk about how stuck up he is and that i need to be patient. I understood for a few days and said I’m here if he wants to talk but it kept going. He never wanted to talk. I used to keep saying that I’m also busy and I don’t want us to talk for hours but a 5-10 minutes chat in a day is not that difficult, that if I’m laid off whenever there’s pressure of other things, where do I hold a place in his life. But anyhow, that’s how it kept going. He stopped calling, saying I’m busy and stuff and I was the only one calling (in retrospect, I feel I also should have stopped calling, was a lunatic to try talk to someone who wasn’t interested). Finally, really upset I called him one morning, he didn’t answer, he was in office. I had enough that day and I called multiple times, texted that I can’t take it anymore, talk now, he still didn’t answer. At night, too he didn’t call, From a common friend I happened to know he was with them at a party that night (he was stuck up and so not talking to me but partying.) I called him, he answered and said he’s out at the party and will talk later, he didn’t call, I only called late that night and asked him if he has time for everything else, why not two minutes time for the lady who’s been wanting to talk to him since days. by this time, i was so hurt, i began crying. He was like come on, you need to be patient, okay I’m sorry, but obviously I was hurt so i expected him to do more than a sorry, that too when he didn’t even call himself to make things okay between us. But when I was like saying stuff, he cut me midway and was like see I’m really tired from the party, goodnight, and hung up, leaving me crying.

When I stopped calling the next day and the day after, he came with his sorry(s)  and eventually it got over. This same incident is repeated every month almost because he’ll say I’m busy or stuck and then treat me badly for 7-10 days when I’ll see him do everything apart from talking to me. If under tough circumstances I take a backseat, where am i in his life, specially when for me, he’s my all and I ditch other plans when he wants to talk.
Feel free to tell me if I’m unreasonable.