Anita and all: feel free to comment on anything i post!!! i was only putting names to remember which post i was responding to. I appreciate your feed back and constructive criticism. Sometimes hearing unbiased perceptions from those who have not seen face to face what i have been thru it helps. I never really looked at it as i am protecting  my daughter  from ” a man” and you are right, this is not coparenting. He simply uses her as a bait to see if he can reel me back in. Even our shared visits are usually filled with him begging me to return and how we could all be a happy family. It is so sick how the wiring in my brain literally pulls me back into those feelings!!!!I have to remind myself of all the horrible things i have suffered because of him!!! He recently had the nerve to tell me he was not responsible for all the physical abuse he did because “i hit him first in the relationship” and  ” he has scars too” Mind you this hit he is talking about is me scratching and pushing him in the first three months we were dating because he hugged some other girl and said he was leaving with her and his friends at a cook out. the alcohol did not help either. Now even though i was physically aggressive with him at this time, he certainly did not sustain any black eyes and hemorrhaged conjunctiva, loss of hearing of elbow fractures like he has given me. And as sick as this justification was, I found myself actually thinking about my responsibility in MY ABUSE!!. I have been trying to make attempts at paying debts and getting my credit back together as he bled me financially dry but it is so hard!!!All these debts we accrued and he will have no part in resolution and is currently fighting me because he is facing eviction. He expects me to pay his rent!!!!! Saying that it was the bills i accrued when me and MY kids lived there!! Sick!! I just want to escape him!!! No contact does not work because he is a stalker!!!

MICHELLE- thanks for your response, another wake up call. I was fooled recently with him, he kept crying about how i left the house with his daughter and he had not seen her in weeks. Because of his nature, i will never be comfortable letting a two year old who cant fight for herself being alone with him let alone for a night. That being said, i allowed a few supervised visits with the baby and He thought he was getting me back and every visit would be more focused on me than the baby. This ended abruptly the other day , he lied and said that something came in the mail regarding my NP license so i freaked out and told him i would meet him in the parking lot of our old house together to get the mail. When I arrive, he gives no letter but reaches in and snatches my phone so i have to get out and come inside. Inside he proceeds to scream at the top of his lungs and repeatedly ball up his fist and act like he is restraining from hitting me. He demanded that I pay my half the rent for august and my half the bills even though i have not been there the month of august. He even went so far as to say my dad is an asshole who would die only because he is mad i can live with them now and im no longer paying his bills. Keep in mind he is throwing this temper tantrum because he became (spoiled in his own words) by me paying the large majority of all bills and entertainment and him having free access to all my paychecks. This tantrum ended with him busting out in tears and proceeding to hold me against my will and cry on my shoulder. The cry was almost electric and I cried as well because i prayed for the shift and I knew that would be the last time i could ever be alone with him. Im sure he knew that he had stuck the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. When i was finally able to get away and get home, he immediately called demanding to pick up his daughter. Mind you he was just screaming and posturing just minutes earlier. I know that his last resort to have his bills paid is to hold our daughter hostage until i give some money. I know that is why her wants to get her. I refused of course and he started his threats again so i did not bother to argue but simply called the police to arrive when he did. They told him to leave and we have not spoken since. I feel so empty, its like I should be happy that i am free but i still feel so scared that he will call and demand to get her or show up somewhere to start a commotion. I have done well at directing my empathy towards my daughter but my heart hurt with our last encounter. I questioned whether he actually has feelings because of the way he cried, but i think he is only mourning the loss of convenience and he might actually have to work for something instead of relying on me to quietly cover everything and give him money on a whim. My heart hurts because my two year old has a narcissist monster of a father that i chose for her and i mourn for how this will affect her growing up. i am exhausted because i have 3 girls and due to my life choices never gave them their real father or any father figure in their lives , and being a provider now I know for a fact that this will show up in different aspects of her life and she doesnt deserve that. They all deserve better. I know i can be what they need but i am so broken right now i feel they even deserve better than me. I am at my weakest, lowest in spirit and dont know how to get out of this. I take it day by day. Its almost like I have to learn how to live again. Almost everything i did was contingent on him in some way. I dont even like to do anything anymore and almost get anxious just to leave the house when i used to be a social butterfly. Even typing now i am crying. Why.?????????

MICHELLE.

Hi it has been a while and what a tumultuous time. I still have not completely cut contact with him and he’s using every measure to reel me back in. Everything from crying to begging coming to mentioning our daughter, making these extreme promises all over again. It’s like deja vu. He really feels no remorse or insight into what he is done to me. He thinks I should get over it and give him the last chance. It disgusts me now. It is very profound that you mentioned finding out what made us feel so low and vulnerable to such the sub-par treatment in a relationship. When I met this man I was slated to graduate from nurse practitioner School and was pretty lonely. I had been married but my husband had been incarcerated for over 1 year and this was the second 3 year stint that he was doing. I was so much in search for love and I Define Myself by my relationships. I only feel complete when I was giving to some man. To be honest I’ve never truly understood how to love myself unconditionally. I have never mastered my self-esteem. Just like you mention, on the outside aesthetically I receive so much attention because of my looks but no one truly took the time to value much beyond my looks. Most men I’ve been with were impressed that I was the trophy that they had been pursuing and finally won. Because I externalized my self-esteem I became so empty seeking fulfillment and putting the responsibility of a fulfillment on any man that I was with. Every failed relationship left me feeling even more empty and useless. Every kid that I have without their dad made me feel even more useless. So when this man came in and loved bombed me and acted like he was going to be the stepfather and man i alwayss wanted i wass hooked. Being that i have alwayss been an empath, he quickly caught on and sunk his teeth in. Not to mention this was more a forbidden relationship since i was sstill technically married so i felt compelled to overlook initial red flags due to guilt of leaving my marriage. He often leveraged this guilt by accusing me of being with my ex inappropriately when he got out of jail. When mad he would often mention me leaving my marriage and call me a ho which made me feel even lower .

We have such a strong trauma bond that i feel compelled to beleive that the honeymoon phase he wants me to come back home to is actually preferable to my peace. As crazy as this seem,  when u have been linked to ssomeone in trauma so long u feel thiss crazy comfort in the bullshit.

To be honest i have been trying  to get to a place of self love and essteem but i dont know where to start. I gave him the key to my happiness and depended on him to validate me. I literally dont know how to love mysself and i am often feeling guilty and second guess what im doing because of his manipulation. I have felt tremendous guilt for him not seeing his daughter but he is not stable and i am so fearful of exposing a two year old to this. The guilt is worssened when he says he will do anything for us to raise her together. I often cry about taking her from her dad even tho i know its for the better.. i am so lost, confused and down..

MICHELLE: thank you so much for extending your love and comfort, this is the  single hardest thing I have ever done in my adult life. As anyone recovering from physical and emotional abuse, i am just so confused as to how i let myself lower my standards and receive treatment that shouldnt even be given to a dog. I really think understanding what i was searching for and why i felt i had to take such treatment and stay will help me. But how do gain this kind of insight? As my head is clearing and i  have more time and energy to focus on my children i feel such extreme guilt for the life they have lived because i simply couldnt be strong. Geez. This forum is so helpful because i literally have no relationships left with even my closest family as he destroyed all my ties with them by manipulation. Besides my children, i literally don’t know where to start rebuilding. Everything in my life revolved around if he would bring back the car and let me go where i wanted on time, it got to the point where i had no plans or intent for most days, just sat around being depressed and irritated. For 2 years i practiced minimal self care and never fostered my interests or talents as i was constantly mentally exhausted. Time to get my life back!! He is trying everything ( all his manipulation tactics at least) and this time I am armed with the eye witness testimony that he will NEVER change and is not deserving of my time and energy ever again. I just wonder how long it will be until i feel centered and confident again. Only the passing of each day will tell. Thank you again.. I will try my best to stay strong, u will see me updating often.

Three months ago you gave me the most unbiased and constructive advice that I had while trying to exit relationship with a narcissist. Of course I stupidly went back, the calls, crying, pleading to see his daughter eventually got to me and I actually returned home on her two year birthday. I tried to set a standard, after two hours of talking we drew up a written agreement on changes that would be made on both our parts. Of course he swore he would never hit me again amongst other things he would change. Like any other abusive person he was very attentive and remorseful for the first few weeks but then his true side came back out of course. We only have one car ( which is my car that i purchased cash completely alone and registered in my name) and he works nights so he often leaves for work at night but does not return home in the morning. Because of this my children would often be late to school or me late to work and there was always an excuse such as the car broke down. Ironically though when he goes MIA on these mornings he can never answer a call or text until he is almost home. SOmetimes we call him up to 20 times before he answers. As the honeymoon phase wore off he would come home increasingly later, even sometimes staying gone all day and going straight to work from wherever he is. He often came home with weird stuff in the car that is not mine which would cause us to argue. When i would ask where he is all these times, he would say he is hustling to get money because we had been short on the rent. In the time i returned home, i lost a good job that i had just started due to me taking tea bags from the cafeteria because he would often drop me at work withouot even a dollar. When I got paid, he would demand most of my check but the bills somehow werent getting paid in fulll. it got so bad that for the whole month of june while i was unemployed, me and my kids stayed at home day and night without even a call from him and no transportation. We would have to walk and uber everywhere even though i had a car. Fast forward to me getting my new job and telling him that i did not trust him enough to have direct deposit to our joint account and he broke his Godly vow and hit me again IN FRONT of my kids. When my 15 year old went to defend me he became severely aggressive with her. After the incident he completely denied even hitting me, saying he was just pushing my face because he was aggravated. I could not believe it. THe last 90 days fucking wasted all because i took that 10% chance he might change. I finally left for good this time and moved ALL my belongings so there is no more ties. I did not however get my car from him. He went back to his same ammo, crying and pleading to me.But its only because the rent is due and there is a writ of eviction so he may be homeless while im back at home. I am going to cut him off completely no contact soon, once i get all the legal stuff for custody straightened out.

Yes I will take all my children with me when I leave. This is an abusive volatile and unstable man and I will fight in the courts to make sure that I have full custody of the daughter we share. I do not want her to be abused or neglected. This will unfortunately make me a single mother 3, something I have dreaded and part of why I convinced myself I should stay with him even though he did not play the parental role that I needed and I essentially was single anyway. Thank you for saying and reminding me about the possibilities of positives when I leave. I have been emotionally tormented by him so much that I am now myself believing that with three children I will never find someone to love me and be loyal without abuse. I feel used and abused and discarded. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. Our communication has gone sour and he is now threatening to hurt me if I do not let him see his little girl because today  is her birthday. He is going back to verbal abuse now telling me that he’s totally done, sending me screenshots of his communication with other women, and calling me a hoe. Classic narcissist abuse patterns at the end of a relationship. But it still kills me. I do sometimes wonder what man will want me with two kids by one man, a third kid by some other man? I’m so torn and broken. I really don’t know where to start with the repair. Should I read a book? Attend domestic violence support group? I’m so lost. If it weren’t for you and me being able to communicate with someone I don’t know where I would be right now. Thank you

You are very right as I constantly seek a comfort zone that prevents me from experiencing the severe extent of pain and depression  that I’m going through. It would be much easier just to go back home and try again. He’s now moving on to the next level trying to convince me. Encouraging me to stay the night so we can spend all night together, talkin about starting date nights, and all these elaborate plans for the future even when I’m saying that I don’t agree. He even wants to take the kids out and apologize to them supposedly. I know he would put on the best front that he can for as long as he could but eventually the real him would return I just can’t bring myself to risk that but I do want it so bad. He is running out of money and rent is due so I know his intensity is stemming from that but I can’t help it still believe it. His whole demeanor and even tone of voice has changed but will he ever?

Thank you. I needed to hear this. This man can convince me of anything, i feel so weak around him. He is doing the guilt trip, telling me im breaking my family up and not fighting for us. I actually feel bad when thus was the same man who ignored and neglected us daily at home.  He swear to use any other methods besides hitting me again and to be there for me to help save the relationship with one more chance.  From my experience i know its not true but i still feel like im walking awY from a POSSIBLY  good man if he changes.  Why? I am so confused…