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Recovering from narcissistic abuse how do i leave!!!

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 33 total)
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  • #218591
    Jezz
    Participant

    Three months ago you gave me the most unbiased and constructive advice that I had while trying to exit relationship with a narcissist. Of course I stupidly went back, the calls, crying, pleading to see his daughter eventually got to me and I actually returned home on her two year birthday. I tried to set a standard, after two hours of talking we drew up a written agreement on changes that would be made on both our parts. Of course he swore he would never hit me again amongst other things he would change. Like any other abusive person he was very attentive and remorseful for the first few weeks but then his true side came back out of course. We only have one car ( which is my car that i purchased cash completely alone and registered in my name) and he works nights so he often leaves for work at night but does not return home in the morning. Because of this my children would often be late to school or me late to work and there was always an excuse such as the car broke down. Ironically though when he goes MIA on these mornings he can never answer a call or text until he is almost home. SOmetimes we call him up to 20 times before he answers. As the honeymoon phase wore off he would come home increasingly later, even sometimes staying gone all day and going straight to work from wherever he is. He often came home with weird stuff in the car that is not mine which would cause us to argue. When i would ask where he is all these times, he would say he is hustling to get money because we had been short on the rent. In the time i returned home, i lost a good job that i had just started due to me taking tea bags from the cafeteria because he would often drop me at work withouot even a dollar. When I got paid, he would demand most of my check but the bills somehow werent getting paid in fulll. it got so bad that for the whole month of june while i was unemployed, me and my kids stayed at home day and night without even a call from him and no transportation. We would have to walk and uber everywhere even though i had a car. Fast forward to me getting my new job and telling him that i did not trust him enough to have direct deposit to our joint account and he broke his Godly vow and hit me again IN FRONT of my kids. When my 15 year old went to defend me he became severely aggressive with her. After the incident he completely denied even hitting me, saying he was just pushing my face because he was aggravated. I could not believe it. THe last 90 days fucking wasted all because i took that 10% chance he might change. I finally left for good this time and moved ALL my belongings so there is no more ties. I did not however get my car from him. He went back to his same ammo, crying and pleading to me.But its only because the rent is due and there is a writ of eviction so he may be homeless while im back at home. I am going to cut him off completely no contact soon, once i get all the legal stuff for custody straightened out.

    #218593
    Jezz
    Participant

    What do you suggest for healing? I was going to purchase a book on recovering from narcisstic abuse and maybe start there. I literally dont know who I am anymore, I was controlled and manipulated for so long, making even little decisions scares me. AND the worst part is that the stupid empath in me actually cares if he gets evicted and feels sorry for HIM!!! Or maybe im just scared that if he gets evicted he wont give my car back because we were supposed to exchange the house key fob for my car keys. I am lost and grieving while stilll having to continue motherhood and work without skipping a beat. I am drained, discouraged and so confused. I feel so stupid, like i cant just put my foot down and tell him NO i dont want you anymore! And i never want to see you again!!!. Where do i start in getting back to myself again? so lost….

    #218643
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jezz:

    Welcome back to your thread and congratulations for moving all your belongings from the place you shared with him.

    As you progress, keep in mind all your motivations that drew you to him because these continue to exist or may return to your experience: the physical desire for him, the fear that no other man will want to be with you, having three kids, the desire to not see him in a relationship with another woman, your unwillingness to accept that all the time, effort and money invested was a waste, and your hope that he will change and that the two of you will live happily ever after. As you experience any of these things, se the bigger picture.

    As to “the stupid empath in (you) actually cares if he gets evicted and feels sorry for HIM!!!”- redirect that empath to your fifteen year old daughter  who recently witnessed him hitting you and who tried to protect you. Make sure she is not in that situation again. You owe it to her. You owe her to not rely on him to not put your daughter in that situation, but to make sure the situation is not possible again.

    Redirect that empath to your other two children.

    Whenever you feel “drained, lost and so confused”, remember your “15 year old went to defend me he became severely aggressive with her”. She tried to defend you because he really did attack you. And he really was severely aggressive with her. No confusion about that, is there?

    A book can help, depending in the book, so yes, it is probably a good idea. So is posting here whenever you need a reminder to see the big picture. It comes to you doing the right thing by your children regardless of how you feel, regardless of your motivations that I listed above.

    May doing the right thing by your children guide you. I hope to read from you soon.

    anita

     

    #218679
    Michelle
    Participant

    I just read this whole thread and want to know I empathize with you (I have also been in a relationship with a manipulative narcissist, it’s not easy to break free especially if one identifies as an empath). I would give you a hug in person but will also be your online cheerleader to encourage and support positive changes in your life. You do have the strength within you. Believe in that. Focus on your children. I don’t have book recommendations but I do feel that joining and communicating with people in forums such as this is very therapeutic. Just knowing that I was not alone helped me a lot.

    All my love towards you. Stay strong. Stay focused.

    #218871
    Jezz
    Participant

    MICHELLE: thank you so much for extending your love and comfort, this is the  single hardest thing I have ever done in my adult life. As anyone recovering from physical and emotional abuse, i am just so confused as to how i let myself lower my standards and receive treatment that shouldnt even be given to a dog. I really think understanding what i was searching for and why i felt i had to take such treatment and stay will help me. But how do gain this kind of insight? As my head is clearing and i  have more time and energy to focus on my children i feel such extreme guilt for the life they have lived because i simply couldnt be strong. Geez. This forum is so helpful because i literally have no relationships left with even my closest family as he destroyed all my ties with them by manipulation. Besides my children, i literally don’t know where to start rebuilding. Everything in my life revolved around if he would bring back the car and let me go where i wanted on time, it got to the point where i had no plans or intent for most days, just sat around being depressed and irritated. For 2 years i practiced minimal self care and never fostered my interests or talents as i was constantly mentally exhausted. Time to get my life back!! He is trying everything ( all his manipulation tactics at least) and this time I am armed with the eye witness testimony that he will NEVER change and is not deserving of my time and energy ever again. I just wonder how long it will be until i feel centered and confident again. Only the passing of each day will tell. Thank you again.. I will try my best to stay strong, u will see me updating often.

    #218875
    Jezz
    Participant

    ANITA- I wish i could hug you, i really do appreciate the concern you show for me. It struck me so hard when you said redirect that EMPATH!! EXACTLY!!! give the attention and energy where it is needed and deserved rather than where it is wasted. Not only am i supposed to role model the kind of woman that i want my girls to become but also setting the precedent for the type of relationships they will become accustomed to. It is my duty to empower them and break the generational curses so they will NEVER feel obligated to stay and take abuse from anyone including friends. Even though i basically failed them for three years, it is never too late to do right by them, i owe them. The initial shock and grief had me all out of sorts, but those statements you made shook me to the core. START NOW!!! Ultimately seeing them happy will be my reward and further validation that i am doing the best decision i could have made. Its time to take my life back ,as i have wasted so many years on toxic relationships. I need to rebuild my self esteem, it feels like i am starting from scratch.

    #218889
    Michelle
    Participant

    As anyone recovering from physical and emotional abuse, i am just so confused as to how i let myself lower my standards and receive treatment that shouldnt even be given to a dog.

    If you were to see me walking down the street, you would assume that I have it pretty well: highly educated, great career, interesting life filled with travel … but I also found myself in this situation in 2015/16. I was emotionally and, at times, physically abused, constantly manipulated and lied to. But I thought this person loved me. He told me after all, even asked me to marry him several times (which I was considering). This all culminated when I did a bit of research. My intuition was looking out for me. I discovered he was courting other women, eventually getting married TWO months after we last spoke. It’s now a few years later and my self-esteem is still recovering from this. I may exude confidence on the outside, but memories of this make me still feel like garbage today. No one deserved that treatment. Not me. Not you.

    But why did we do it? This is where you need to look within yourself. Understanding where this originates from will be so pivotal to your growth and closure. There is something that lowered our confidence into believing this was acceptable. In my situation, I could easily trace it. My father died from terminal cancer rather abruptly in 2014. I always had a strained relationship with my mother (I am also an only child). I felt so alone and sank into deep depression. When a handsome guy comes along and makes you feel good again, it becomes like a drug. But, like a drug, they are ultimately one’s undoing. I used this toxic relationship as a cover-up for deeper issues I was experiencing. This insight has helped me make better decisions moving forward. As mentioned though, I am still recovering in other areas. I’m not going to downplay the length of time recovery may take. It will be something you need to make a conscious effort for, always being mindful of your choices.

    Don’t feel like you are alone in this though. There are a number of people who have gone through exactly what you (and I) have gone through. Find comfort in that. Use forums like this for release. I do pray for you. You will get through it. 🙂

    #218933
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Jezz:

    I appreciate your wish to hug me. It brings a smile to my face right this moment. Your attitude reads great, your understanding is good and you seem to be feeling hopeful and positive in your most recent post. It will not remain this way for long. Significant healing or recovery doesn’t happen this way. This is why I would  like you to be prepared for the long road it takes, moving  forward through times of distress.

    It is important that during times of distress, you don’t give up and do not return to that damaging relationship.

    You wrote that seeing your daughters happy will be your reward. The process for them will be difficult as well. It will take time and effort on your part as you heal yourself and encourage and help your children heal. You wrote that you will be updating often, posting here. Please do post anytime you want and I will be glad to reply. My best wishes for you and for your children!

    anita

    #219139
    Wanderingstar56
    Participant

    Hi,You have already been given some great advice. The main thing is to keep you and your children safe. Neither you or your children deserve to live like this. Are you seeing a counsellor? You need some support and your self-esteem needs building up. This man has convinced you that you have nothing to offer. Please take no notice of him!! You deserve so much better. You need space in order to make yourself strong. I would go to a solicitor and only have contact through him. On no account see this man face-to-face. Anything to do with your children should be done through the solicitor. Life is too short for you to waste on this man. Just because we love someone doesn’t mean that it is healthy for us to be in a relationship with them. Everything else has to be right too.

    It will be hard at first but please don’t weaken. I have been were you are and believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel. This man has had plenty of opportunity to change. Any man who abuses his pregnant partner is not worth the time of day!! Please, please get the help and support you need for yours and your childrens’ sake.

    #221823
    Jezz
    Participant

    MICHELLE.

    Hi it has been a while and what a tumultuous time. I still have not completely cut contact with him and he’s using every measure to reel me back in. Everything from crying to begging coming to mentioning our daughter, making these extreme promises all over again. It’s like deja vu. He really feels no remorse or insight into what he is done to me. He thinks I should get over it and give him the last chance. It disgusts me now. It is very profound that you mentioned finding out what made us feel so low and vulnerable to such the sub-par treatment in a relationship. When I met this man I was slated to graduate from nurse practitioner School and was pretty lonely. I had been married but my husband had been incarcerated for over 1 year and this was the second 3 year stint that he was doing. I was so much in search for love and I Define Myself by my relationships. I only feel complete when I was giving to some man. To be honest I’ve never truly understood how to love myself unconditionally. I have never mastered my self-esteem. Just like you mention, on the outside aesthetically I receive so much attention because of my looks but no one truly took the time to value much beyond my looks. Most men I’ve been with were impressed that I was the trophy that they had been pursuing and finally won. Because I externalized my self-esteem I became so empty seeking fulfillment and putting the responsibility of a fulfillment on any man that I was with. Every failed relationship left me feeling even more empty and useless. Every kid that I have without their dad made me feel even more useless. So when this man came in and loved bombed me and acted like he was going to be the stepfather and man i alwayss wanted i wass hooked. Being that i have alwayss been an empath, he quickly caught on and sunk his teeth in. Not to mention this was more a forbidden relationship since i was sstill technically married so i felt compelled to overlook initial red flags due to guilt of leaving my marriage. He often leveraged this guilt by accusing me of being with my ex inappropriately when he got out of jail. When mad he would often mention me leaving my marriage and call me a ho which made me feel even lower .

    We have such a strong trauma bond that i feel compelled to beleive that the honeymoon phase he wants me to come back home to is actually preferable to my peace. As crazy as this seem,  when u have been linked to ssomeone in trauma so long u feel thiss crazy comfort in the bullshit.

    To be honest i have been trying  to get to a place of self love and essteem but i dont know where to start. I gave him the key to my happiness and depended on him to validate me. I literally dont know how to love mysself and i am often feeling guilty and second guess what im doing because of his manipulation. I have felt tremendous guilt for him not seeing his daughter but he is not stable and i am so fearful of exposing a two year old to this. The guilt is worssened when he says he will do anything for us to raise her together. I often cry about taking her from her dad even tho i know its for the better.. i am so lost, confused and down..

    #222121
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Jezz – I just wanted to acknowledge that I have read this and will reply with longer, thought-out advice later. 🙂

    #222639
    Michelle
    Participant

    Hi Jezz – I’m trying to send good vibes your way as I write this.

    First off, do not fall for his manipulations. He has already shown you – repeatedly – his TRUE self. As others have mentioned, he is not going to change. Don’t even believe so for a second. Think of him in past tense. He should have little to no part in your future (you have a child with him, so it does make it difficult). If you still need help getting over any lingering feelings, write out everything terrible he did to you as well as how it made you feel. Reference this whenever you feel nostalgia creeping in for the good times/love-bombing times. Beyond this, I highly recommend journalling or having a diary. I have a blog where I write about my life and it’s always fascinating to me to go back and see how far I’ve come. Those recorded milestones can work wonders in terms of self-awareness and building confidence.

    Secondly, you mention defining yourself through your relationships. This needs to change. You are an independent entity. You have strength, intellect, beauty and WORTH all on your own. You need to funnel that energy somewhere though because until you truly believe that statement, it is going to be tough. What are some hobbies or interests of yours? What traits would you want to define yourself by (honesty, compassion, etc.)? This can be a start to considering where to funnel that energy. After my relationship ended, I took up cooking. I never really ate healthy and had no idea how to cook properly. My ex even made comments on this, implying that I am not a good woman to make a wife (eye-roll, lol). I decided to take that criticism and become a spectacular cook. My friends and family members are shocked at how good I am now. This hobby has 1) diverted my time and attention away from feeling depressed about what happened and 2) added a skillset that has enhanced my life in many ways. You need to find something like this that could act as a distraction and improve your self-esteem.

    I TOTALLY understand what you say when you reference “trauma bond”. It can become a comfort zone. For one person, it’s easy to fall back into. But I am going to guilt you into something beyond yourself. You have children that you need to make considerations for. Would you want them to live your current life? Would you want your siblings or close friends to live your current life? If not, why do you settle for this yourself? Try to answer the truthfully. You need to start referencing it this way because I’m sure you have people in your life who want you to succeed and be happy. You don’t want to let them down. Give yourself the same compassion you would afford them in return.

    You second-guess yourself because of his manipulation. It is an illusion.

    Building yourself up again will be a process – and it will take time – but I know you have it within you. I read your writing and I know you have that insight. You are looking deeper into yourself and trying to make good, sound decisions. You are already on the right path. 🙂

    Please write back anytime and give updates or ask for advice or an ear. I am here for you!

    #223427
    Jezz
    Participant

    Anne; Thanks for your support, i have to remind myself to be firm in not letting him use his daughter to weasel his way back into control. He has tried everything from crying about her being raised with us separately, to calling single parenting “disgusting”. As delusional as he is, he attests that she will be better in a home with constant abuse between the parents rather than being raised by healthy single parents. I just wonder how to avoid him in this coparenting because our daughter is two years old and has never even spent a half day with him alone. It was to the extent that even if I work a saturday and he is home, i will have to arrange babysitting. How the hell can he say that i should let her be in his custody? he smokes around her, has random guys always “hanging out” and is a known physical abuser. The very thought of her being in his care disgusts me. That is  the only reason i have entertained him since i moved out is to supervise his time spent with her. Even then he can only focus on her 30 minutes or less. UGHHHHHHHHH i hate that i procreated with such an individual but he had his mask on so well!!! He harassed me so much the other day because i would not let her have him that we had to call the police to remove him!! I cant wait until he just lets us go and stops trying to use her as manipulation to get money from me.

    #223449
    Jezz
    Participant

    MICHELLE- thanks for your response, another wake up call. I was fooled recently with him, he kept crying about how i left the house with his daughter and he had not seen her in weeks. Because of his nature, i will never be comfortable letting a two year old who cant fight for herself being alone with him let alone for a night. That being said, i allowed a few supervised visits with the baby and He thought he was getting me back and every visit would be more focused on me than the baby. This ended abruptly the other day , he lied and said that something came in the mail regarding my NP license so i freaked out and told him i would meet him in the parking lot of our old house together to get the mail. When I arrive, he gives no letter but reaches in and snatches my phone so i have to get out and come inside. Inside he proceeds to scream at the top of his lungs and repeatedly ball up his fist and act like he is restraining from hitting me. He demanded that I pay my half the rent for august and my half the bills even though i have not been there the month of august. He even went so far as to say my dad is an asshole who would die only because he is mad i can live with them now and im no longer paying his bills. Keep in mind he is throwing this temper tantrum because he became (spoiled in his own words) by me paying the large majority of all bills and entertainment and him having free access to all my paychecks. This tantrum ended with him busting out in tears and proceeding to hold me against my will and cry on my shoulder. The cry was almost electric and I cried as well because i prayed for the shift and I knew that would be the last time i could ever be alone with him. Im sure he knew that he had stuck the final nail in the coffin of our relationship. When i was finally able to get away and get home, he immediately called demanding to pick up his daughter. Mind you he was just screaming and posturing just minutes earlier. I know that his last resort to have his bills paid is to hold our daughter hostage until i give some money. I know that is why her wants to get her. I refused of course and he started his threats again so i did not bother to argue but simply called the police to arrive when he did. They told him to leave and we have not spoken since. I feel so empty, its like I should be happy that i am free but i still feel so scared that he will call and demand to get her or show up somewhere to start a commotion. I have done well at directing my empathy towards my daughter but my heart hurt with our last encounter. I questioned whether he actually has feelings because of the way he cried, but i think he is only mourning the loss of convenience and he might actually have to work for something instead of relying on me to quietly cover everything and give him money on a whim. My heart hurts because my two year old has a narcissist monster of a father that i chose for her and i mourn for how this will affect her growing up. i am exhausted because i have 3 girls and due to my life choices never gave them their real father or any father figure in their lives , and being a provider now I know for a fact that this will show up in different aspects of her life and she doesnt deserve that. They all deserve better. I know i can be what they need but i am so broken right now i feel they even deserve better than me. I am at my weakest, lowest in spirit and dont know how to get out of this. I take it day by day. Its almost like I have to learn how to live again. Almost everything i did was contingent on him in some way. I dont even like to do anything anymore and almost get anxious just to leave the house when i used to be a social butterfly. Even typing now i am crying. Why.?????????

    #224525
    Jezz
    Participant

    Anita

    Its been one month and im not making progress at all.im disappointed because i have tried to maintain no contact with him because of our shared daughter that he has been using as bait.. he will lie about ANYTHING  to get money from me and its sad. Im trying to coparent but this man is deceitful and manipulative and plain toxic to the baby.. this is excrutiating and i beat myself up for having got into this. Its not something i can walk away  from and i hate it. My healing sseemss to have been halted  by all this crap. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh..just wanted to vent , hope all is well with everyone, thank u for ur kind listening ears..

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