April 16, 2018 at 8:56 am #202639
I met this Man 3 years ago when my husband was serving prison time for years. I was lonely and vulnerable and entered into a relationship when I knew I shouldn’t have. Immediately I was love bombed and became Head Over Heels with lust and desire for him. I gave everything to him including all my finances. I always had that twinge that told me something wasn’t right. I became pregnant with his baby and that’s when everything unraveled. I saw the real him. The first time he ever hit me was when I was 2 months pregnant because I became angry when he showed up extremely late in my car when I needed to leave for an appointment. He hit me again when I was 8 months pregnant because I wouldn’t sign a car note for him. The abuse continued and never stopped even with many promises that he would never hit again. Verbal abuse and financial abuse continued and he was always entertaining other women. To his claims and attestation on the Bible, he never slept with these women but surely led them on, flirted and entertain them. My last straw was last week when I had to receive stitches only because I found more texts of him entertaining other women even telling them he misses them. At that point I had exited the house with our daughter. Since we have left he claims to have now realized his wrongdoings and that he cannot live without his daughter and I. He claims he will do anything to ensure that his daughter can be raised in a two-parent home. He claims that he will change everything and he will never lay another hand on me again because he has realized the value of us staying together for the baby. He’s told me these exact same words before and hit me again. I believe that he is doing this as manipulation because he needs me to come home so he can use my car and so I can pay the rent as usual. How do I break free of him and cut ties? I don’t know why but I still feel like I love him and crazy as it sounds slightly believe that he may have some ability to change when I know for sure from intuition and experience that he will not. Is difficult to do the no contact thing when you have a child together. But I do want to disappear and move into a place where he does not know. I am so confused cuz being manipulated this long you can’t even think for yourself. I doubt every decision that I’ve made since I’ve left him. I feel constant remorse guilt sadness and longing for the past. He tells me all the time that with me having 3 kids I will never find a man to love me and it kills me as I believe this. I know he doesn’t really love me and is only with me for convenience but I’m still you’re like a sad puppy dog begging for love. So ashamed. What should I do at this point I don’t even know my next step to emancipate from this narcissist abuserApril 16, 2018 at 11:29 am #202677
“to disappear and move into a place where he does not know” reads like a good enough idea, to me, whatever it takes to save yourself (and your children) from the possibility of living together- again- with this man.
What you need and what your children need (I have no doubt about this), is a safe place, a place you can all call home. Be it a small place, be it anywhere, but see to it that there are no fights in there, no aggression of any kind, physical or verbal, no raised voices.
What better for your children than a comfortable mother, one who is at peace?
I am sure you will miss him, and long for love, but first safety from aggression, away from the distress involved in being used and abused. Away first, and later, later .. true love.
Post again, anytime.
anitaApril 16, 2018 at 11:30 am #202679
* didn’t reflect under TopicsApril 17, 2018 at 11:10 am #202847
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Thank you. I needed to hear this. This man can convince me of anything, i feel so weak around him. He is doing the guilt trip, telling me im breaking my family up and not fighting for us. I actually feel bad when thus was the same man who ignored and neglected us daily at home. He swear to use any other methods besides hitting me again and to be there for me to help save the relationship with one more chance. From my experience i know its not true but i still feel like im walking awY from a POSSIBLY good man if he changes. Why? I am so confused…</p>April 17, 2018 at 1:25 pm #202867
…but I still feel like im walking away from a possibly a good man IF he changes.
But he WON’T CHANGE.
Find an abused women’s support group to get support about staying strong and helping yourself through this.
MarkApril 17, 2018 at 1:54 pm #202873
You asked: “I know it’s not true but I still feel like I’m walking away from a POSSIBLY good man if he changes. Why?”
My answer: because when we want something badly, we believe it is possible. The intense emotional desire that he will be a good family man for you makes you believe.
It reminds me of the song in Disneyland, in the section of it called Fantasy Land:
“When you wish upon a star * Makes no difference who you are* Anything your heart desires will come to you”
When the heart desires something, logic moves aside.
I am thinking, it is not only that you desire and wish he will be a good man for you, but you also don’t want to do all the hard work of moving to another place, having no man in your life, etc. The easiest and simplest solution would be if he … changed.
One more thing that makes it difficult and confusing: there is a possibility that he will change. It is such a small possibility, maybe 0.05% (I am just guessing), but still it is not absolutely 100% certain that he will not change.
I hope you post again, we can keep communicating as long as you want.
<span style=”font-family: Arial;”> </span>April 18, 2018 at 8:39 am #203035
I know that he wont change but his elaborate promises and declarations are so convincing that i forget who i have been with for the last 3 years. He believes he can help me heal from HIS abuse because he is so grandiose. I do need support , even posting has helped. Everyone supporting me now is so against and hateful towards him i have noone but him to talk to about this. UghhhhApril 18, 2018 at 8:44 am #203037
You are very right as I constantly seek a comfort zone that prevents me from experiencing the severe extent of pain and depression that I’m going through. It would be much easier just to go back home and try again. He’s now moving on to the next level trying to convince me. Encouraging me to stay the night so we can spend all night together, talkin about starting date nights, and all these elaborate plans for the future even when I’m saying that I don’t agree. He even wants to take the kids out and apologize to them supposedly. I know he would put on the best front that he can for as long as he could but eventually the real him would return I just can’t bring myself to risk that but I do want it so bad. He is running out of money and rent is due so I know his intensity is stemming from that but I can’t help it still believe it. His whole demeanor and even tone of voice has changed but will he ever?April 18, 2018 at 9:07 am #203043
I mentioned statistics in my last post to you, suggesting there is a very small chance that he will change. My estimation of the very small chance, and yours (“I know.. eventually the real him would return”) are based on his past behavior, your past experience with him.
It is similar to gambling. If you know that there is a very, very tiny chance that you will win a million dollars, will you try to win it, will you gamble?
I will answer my own question: if the gamble is investing a dollar in the game, I will definitely gamble. Every day I will put a dollar in the one million dollar machine. Maybe some days I will put more.
But if it took 10,000 dollars to put in the machine, and the chance for the million dollars is 0.0000001%, I will not. Because without the 10,000 I will not have.. let’s say rent to pay for the following month and I will be homeless.
So, look at what you are investing, how much money you put in that gambling machine. Literally how much money as well how much emotion and what kind of heartache is likely to follow.
See the bigger picture. It is difficult now, for you to move on from him. The more you expose yourself to him, the weaker and weaker you are likely to become, drained and exhausted, and the more difficult it will be to move on.
anitaApril 19, 2018 at 10:49 am #203227
So his attempt to amend things with the kids was simply to get some cash in his pocket as well. He gave some half-hearted apology an empty promise to the girls then quickly proceeded to ask me for money. With fasting and praying I can feel his grip slipping from me, but I still long for him and these thought of him going to love bomb and trap some other woman just kills me after all the work and suffering I’ve done. I’m scared to take that final leap and give him the final confirmation that it is over . I guess I feel more confident leading him on that I may come home . But I will have to let that be the next woman’s problem as I know there will be many. He had a Freudian slip yesterday and told me that there was somebody already waiting to care for my daughter my absence. But tried to say he was playing when he saw my reaction. Even just typing this I sound like I’m all over the place and that has been my life for the last 3 years. Pitiful. Just recently talkin he is getting flat out angry because I don’t want to contribute to the bills of the household anymore because I’m leaving. Little by little he’s showing his true colors again. Why do I love this man why? Am I so afraid of you losing our physical connection which is basically the only thing that survived these years? Am I stupid enough to believe that I won’t find that intimacy (or more so sexual passion). anywhere else? I feel so pathetic, can’t wait till I wake up from this nightmare that I createdApril 19, 2018 at 11:00 am #203233
Are you thinking of leaving alone, without your daughter, or your other children; what is the plan for them, if you leave?
Clearly, you will lose that physical connection with him, once you leave him. You will also lose a lot of heartache and distress. Perhaps more important is what you may gain if you leave, the chance to have a relationship with an honest, responsible and kind man.
anitaApril 20, 2018 at 7:05 am #203331
<p style=”text-align: left;”>Yes I will take all my children with me when I leave. This is an abusive volatile and unstable man and I will fight in the courts to make sure that I have full custody of the daughter we share. I do not want her to be abused or neglected. This will unfortunately make me a single mother 3, something I have dreaded and part of why I convinced myself I should stay with him even though he did not play the parental role that I needed and I essentially was single anyway. Thank you for saying and reminding me about the possibilities of positives when I leave. I have been emotionally tormented by him so much that I am now myself believing that with three children I will never find someone to love me and be loyal without abuse. I feel used and abused and discarded. I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror. Our communication has gone sour and he is now threatening to hurt me if I do not let him see his little girl because today is her birthday. He is going back to verbal abuse now telling me that he’s totally done, sending me screenshots of his communication with other women, and calling me a hoe. Classic narcissist abuse patterns at the end of a relationship. But it still kills me. I do sometimes wonder what man will want me with two kids by one man, a third kid by some other man? I’m so torn and broken. I really don’t know where to start with the repair. Should I read a book? Attend domestic violence support group? I’m so lost. If it weren’t for you and me being able to communicate with someone I don’t know where I would be right now. Thank you</p>April 20, 2018 at 7:27 am #203335
I wish it wasn’t so. I wish he was not the abusive man that he is to you and to your children. What a shame! This really shouldn’t be… but then, life is often what it should not be, isn’t it.
Regarding the easy (for me) issue: “what man will want me with two kids by one man, a third kid by some other man?”-
my answer: a man who knows that life is far from what it should be … by the book (the book of how it should be), a man who knows that his own life was not or is not what it should be, but is motivated to make it better and better, a man who cares about being decent and just.
The men who will turn away from you because of having three children, well, that is okay. You only need one man, one good man.
You are in a difficult situation, of course, as you know. Keep yourself as calm as you can. Make thoughtful choices. He threatened to hurt you, physically, you mean?
April 20, 2018 at 10:53 am #203363
- This reply was modified 11 months ago by anita.
You are very right gosh if and when im healed and start dating again i aspire to find a mature man as you mentioned. His threats im sure are physical, financial, social, any method he can use to hurt me he will. He is already on a full fledged smear campaign telling anyone who listen that i am wicked and should suffer. I try to remain calm but lm living with my parents temporarily at their house where my sister and her daughter also live its wearing me down. I cannot heal with all the different attitudes and interests and opinions constantly being thrown at me. I just need peace. I know their hearts are in the right place for me but when they try to impose their toxic issues on to me I can’t take it.April 20, 2018 at 11:09 am #203371
If their heart is in the right place, they should give you what you need, a quiet space. Did I use “should”, yes, I did.
If you asked your parents and sister to give you that quiet space (to not give you opinions you didn’t ask for and leave you alone), explaining to them that you need it and so do your children, will they respect your request?