So I have not posted for a few days, and I probably should every day just so I have a record of how I feel, because every day is different (every hour really). The weekend was ok, strained but ok.
On Saturday morning I woke up with him crying next to me in bed. Saying he is heartbroken about everything and can I just “let him try” and see if we can work this out. What I find difficult is it seems he doesn’t have any insight into how he behaves with me and doesn’t seem to acknowledge there is too much wrong with how he behaves. I asked him, does he ever look at his on behaviour and reflect, and he said “not really”. He also told me he thought there must be something else going on, which makes me also think he doesn’t really think he has done anything wrong. Its like the rage leaves his mouth and its forgotten.
I had a bit of anxiety about silly things: on Friday he was going to come with me to buy the kids some new trainers. Then he decided not to come. Two things, I was anxious if he came he would get stressed, if he didn’t come and I made the wrong decision then I would get blamed and he would descend into a mood. i told him, that because of ways he has behaved int he past thats how I feel. He keeps saying, give me a chance to put it right.
I am coming to realise, that even if his behaviour changes drastically, a lot of damage has been done, to the point of conditioned behaviour form me.

He is frustrated at the moment because I cannot assure him that I am not still leaving. I am being honest. Usually I am the one that tries to smooth things over, I am the one saying sorry. He expects me to do that again, but I won’t this time. I need him to realise his mistakes, and sure I have things perhaps I can change also, but I feel I can’t shift my feelings until he can reflect on his actions.

I have been invited away at the weekend with the kids to a friends, I feel I cannot go and leave him alone. How the hell am I going to leave him for good, if I feel I am abandoning him for one weekend?

I have been feeling very sentimental about good times, and also how I thought we would grow old together. He told me he is heart broken, but so am I, I have been heartbroken for months and months, frustrated in how he could behave and how he should, if what he says to me is really true. That he loves me, I am the most important thing to him in the world (and the kids). But I don’t feel like that is the case.

Anyway, rambling from me!

Thanks again Anita. I had a panic attack this morning, I have never had one before. The whole decision making thing is overwhelming me. 🙁

Hi Anita

Thanks for your very sensible reply. I know what you are saying, I feel very fragile since talking to him yesterday and before I was feeling strong. Essentially the biggest obstacle for me is to out myself (and the kids) above of his inevitable hurt.
Saying that I have a house lined up, have taken legal advice and am getting there slowly. I know its a process, I know I am going to feel odd emotions.
I have never had to break up a relationship, as I only had one boyfriend before him. Its a new thing for me, add in 21 years and two kids, makes it all the more painful I guess.

I keep thinking perhaps things can improve, but I know they won’t for any length of time, and the damage has been done.

Thanks Bella2016, I am selective who I confide in. And I have never discussed anything really with anyone before, so I know that is a big step for me. I also asked my bank today about setting up a separate bank account. I work, he doesn’t but I will make sure he has money to cover the bills and put petrol in the car etc.

I hope you find a solution soon.

Hi

Its been nearly 2 weeks since I posted and we had a few days away holiday together. We laughed a bit, irritated each other a lot and argued a bit. I felt no metter what I do, its always wrong.

Anyway a couple of things I want opinions on.

On Friday I posted a picture that my 5 year old son had taken of me on Facebook. Its a nice photo, but believe me I am not the type of girl who posts photos of myself usually online. On Saturday morning, we had a cuddle in bed (my instigation) and then we got up (no sex). He was in a mood, so I asked him what was wrong, being aware that usually its me thats causes a problem in his eyes.

Two things came out: 1. He was waiting for me to see if I would instigate sex. I didn’t because I was bleeding heavily. When I told him why, he said “why didn’t you tell me” and I replied ” i shouldn’t have to, if I don’t initiate sex, you should not read anything into it at all”. I do by the way initiate sex sometimes, but quite frankly when he isn’t being nice, I don’t always want to.
2. Then he started saying about how me putting photos of myself (one photo), shows a disrespect for our relationship and shows that “likes” from other people are more important than our relationship. He also made a comment about one of my friends liking it (he is a male) and how I also liked his photos………facts are I haven’t seen or spoken to this guy since primary school. He now has a career in photography where he travels the world and takes beautiful photos. Nothing going on, purely innocent.

So: my question is, is this irrational behaviour form him? I defended myself, but deep down I feel I shouldn’t have to on either thing.

Thoughts please?

Thanks again for the replies. We had a quite peaceful weekend where we managed to talk a little bit and be calm around the kids.Regarding the questions you asked I have answered them below.

Why do you think he was unhappy with his job and life? He left University with a degree in Marketing and ended up working with his Father in a family business. He has never had a huge drive in a career and he admits it was the easy option. His father was in and out of his alcoholism at the time, so of course it was difficult for him.
Why did you leave the country? Why did you decide to start a business together? We left the country because he wanted a change and we felt the change would be good for the family (outdoor life, different cultures) and both of us were having to work full time and we were expecting a new baby and felt it would be the best idea for the family. I agreed because I thought it would help him and thought the family would benefit. We holidayed in the region many times, and my parents have a house here where they spend their holidays. In terms of our quality of life and that of the kids too, I feel its improved. We decided to start a business together because it was an idea for how we could make a living, and it was a good idea. Why did that business fail? It failed because despite doing a lot of ground work and research in the end when we submitted out plans to the council, they didn’t allow us to do what we wanted. In the meantime, I started working as a private nurse here and we started to get an income, so we didn’t persue it further.
Why did he fall into the role he is now playing? He fell into this role because I knew I could not sit back and not earn any money, as I have a career (a nurse) that is transferable I set about doing what I had to do so I could practice here. It made sense that he care for the kids while I was absent, and in all honesty he didn’t really try at all to find work. I found quite a few options- medical writing online, transcribing, cleaning, private nurse, baby sitting and now nurse recruitment. i was very lucky to find my current job, which as I said before I can work form home but does involve some travel.
Why was he so miserable in this role? I have asked this so many times, but he cannot really answer me. I feel it is because he feels devalued and he is not stimulated as much as he could be. But that is not because i stiffle him, or chain him to the sink. The kids are at school, he has a lot of free time he could spend doing whatever he wanted. Honestly, so long as the kids are cared for (they have food to eat and clothes to wear and are loved) he can spend that time doing whatever he likes. But he feels guilty about doing that, but that is his own perception, not form me. I honestly never nag or whine at him.
What role does he want to play in the relationship? I don’t know, I don’t think he knows, he shows no desire to be the breadwinner but doesn’t seem happy in the role he is doing now.
Do you appreciate the role he has taken on in the relationship? Absolutely, as I know i couldn’t fulfil my role at work if he wasn’t. i also couldn’t travel. My salary is enough for him not to work. I think he feels it when we are talking to people, and they ask him what he does. I say to him no-one would ask a stay at home mum the same, so why would they think the same of you? But it doesn’t change his mindset at all. Like I said before I would feel much happier if he felt content in his role. If he isn’t then we need to decide what we do.
Are you supportive in the role he has taken on in the relationship? Yes, I feel I support him well. I still cook, clean, sort the kids out, go food shopping, allow him free time at the weekends etc. He enjoys cycling and djing so in the last year I bought him a bike, and some dj decks and I take him to bike races sometimes. I would literally do anything for him that makes him happy, which is why it upsets me so much that he can treat me with so much hatred and resentment.
Do you criticize him in the role he has taken on in the relationship? No, never. The only thing I try and discuss is for him to have more patience with the boys. He is quick to anger, and his patience is very short.
Why won’t he take time for himself? He does, but he could do more for himself. I don;t know why he doesn’t, a perceived sense of guilt?
Why is he becoming more controlling, more jealous, more fearful? I don’t really know. He said to me once his worse fear is I think or feel “I deserve better”. Ironically, its only because of his moods and the way he talks and treats me that would ever say this. He isn;t very confident anymore, he used to be. he had a swagger, but now i think he feels inferior, but I don;t know why he would. Is it the male psych to feel he has to be the hunter gatherer, even if he hasn’t wanted to take that role on?
Why do you feel so tired and drained in a relationship that is supposed to be the opposite? Because he constantly critizes me, snaps easily, keep demanding more and more form me. I feel like I cannot do anything without him picking up on it. I think he has OCD, which makes life difficult for me. He will comment for example if the dishwasher isn’t loaded to his specification.; often it is done in a jokey way, but I feel often I have no autonomy. He will comment if I spend money, again often in a jokey way, but it still makes an impact on how I feel about it.
Why does he also feel tired, miserable and drained in this relationship? I don’t know, but he is a very negative person, in all works of life. But this has got a lot worse in the last few years,
Why don’t you both communicate what you are both feeling, thinking and desiring to one another? I try. But my feelings are often dismissed as being silly or too emotional. He said to me recently “why do you put so much emphasis on words?” and “You get emotional, don’t you, I think its a sign of weakenss”- I actually think I am strong, I get emotional (not so much with us anymore) but if a film is sad, if I miss someone etc.
What is causing this separation? His behaviour, and I have pulled away as a way of protecting myself I think.
Why is he lacking motivation? I thought he was depressed, he has been on medication for a while, it hasn’t helped that much. That said he never sits and does nothing, he doesn’t sit all day in front of the TV. right now he is in the garden tidying it up. He did the housework this morning etc. I appreciate everything he does. But he doesn’t do anything with any aspect of joy, its always with a moan.
Why is he so dependent upon you? He is financially and emotionally. He doesn’t have any friends he turns too and he has isolated himself from his family (I understand why).
Why does he want to limit the contact his children have with their grandparents? Because he feels its imbalanced, and they spoil them. They spoil them with love and affection. I think he feel less important when they are around.

He isn’t always like this, but it doesn’t come easy to him to be light and not take things seriously. I do enjoy his company when he isn’t in a dark mood, we laugh together. The kids have fun with him, we have fun as a family. But when we have a nice day, sometimes he can say one horrible thing to me or be on at me, and it just spoils it. I don’t understand why he doe it.

Anita: thanks for the suggestions. I have suggested therapy before, but we live in a foreign country and he isn’t that keen on the whole idea. I speak the language, he hasn’t made much of an effort to learn. i will take a look and suggest it again. Even if it only helps him and not the relationship. I don;t want him to be alone, and he will be very much alone if I leave. I sound like such a victim, if a friend was telling me what i experience I would be packing the bags for them.

Thanks for your reply. The issue is he has no desire to want to fulfil the role you talk about, but at the same time isn’t happy with the role he is doing now. I am content with the situation, although I do miss having the kids on my own, like I did in the past. However I am still very much present in the kids day to day lives, I get them up and ready for school, makes breakfast, dinner and give them baths and put them to bed. i work form home which means i am here for them if they need me. I still maintain a very strong maternal bond with them.
I appreciate what you are saying, but he also has no desire to make bonds or friendships of his own. He has virtually cut all contact off with his family, and says me and the boys are his life. But then shouts, calls me names and fires off for no reason.
I have been trying for ages to improve the situation, he doesn’t seem to want too. i care about him deeply, which is why I put up with so much.
Thanks again.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 8 months ago by jlo5.