Forum Replies Created
September 29, 2016 at 8:54 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #116682
So I have not posted for a few days, and I probably should every day just so I have a record of how I feel, because every day is different (every hour really). The weekend was ok, strained but ok.
On Saturday morning I woke up with him crying next to me in bed. Saying he is heartbroken about everything and can I just “let him try” and see if we can work this out. What I find difficult is it seems he doesn’t have any insight into how he behaves with me and doesn’t seem to acknowledge there is too much wrong with how he behaves. I asked him, does he ever look at his on behaviour and reflect, and he said “not really”. He also told me he thought there must be something else going on, which makes me also think he doesn’t really think he has done anything wrong. Its like the rage leaves his mouth and its forgotten.
I had a bit of anxiety about silly things: on Friday he was going to come with me to buy the kids some new trainers. Then he decided not to come. Two things, I was anxious if he came he would get stressed, if he didn’t come and I made the wrong decision then I would get blamed and he would descend into a mood. i told him, that because of ways he has behaved int he past thats how I feel. He keeps saying, give me a chance to put it right.
I am coming to realise, that even if his behaviour changes drastically, a lot of damage has been done, to the point of conditioned behaviour form me.
He is frustrated at the moment because I cannot assure him that I am not still leaving. I am being honest. Usually I am the one that tries to smooth things over, I am the one saying sorry. He expects me to do that again, but I won’t this time. I need him to realise his mistakes, and sure I have things perhaps I can change also, but I feel I can’t shift my feelings until he can reflect on his actions.
I have been invited away at the weekend with the kids to a friends, I feel I cannot go and leave him alone. How the hell am I going to leave him for good, if I feel I am abandoning him for one weekend?
I have been feeling very sentimental about good times, and also how I thought we would grow old together. He told me he is heart broken, but so am I, I have been heartbroken for months and months, frustrated in how he could behave and how he should, if what he says to me is really true. That he loves me, I am the most important thing to him in the world (and the kids). But I don’t feel like that is the case.
Anyway, rambling from me!September 23, 2016 at 7:24 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #115991
@brokenman thanks again for replying. I wouldn’t want this situation on anyone but its good to know you aren’t alone.
He can be a lovely person, he really can, but its very short lived, and its his anger that is the issue and the moods. I know he struggles with self esteem issues and he has issues form his childhood. I have tried to get him to deal with these in the past, but it isn’t happening. I feel responsible for his happiness, and everytime I think of him alone it makes me really sad. You’ve been in your relationship for many years, me too and since I was 17. A child really. I lived with him longer than I spent with my parents. Bizarre when you think of it like that, Anyway, I think he realises after this morning, I am serious and I am finding it hard. I hope we can talk at the weekend. I wonder how I would feel if he says to me “you go, I let you”. Ideally that is what I want, but I almost want him to fight and shout so it makes my decision easier.
I haven’t had therapy in the past, but I am starting to think I need it now. Sending love and strength to you.September 23, 2016 at 1:39 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #115980
Thanks again Anita. I had a panic attack this morning, I have never had one before. The whole decision making thing is overwhelming me. 🙁
@Brokenman- no advice form me as I am experiencing the same thing and struggling despite being very emotionally aware and smart, that what is happening to me is emotional/verbal abuse. I think it is because I cannot deal with the heartbreak of knowing the man I love, doesn’t feel the same despite telling me he does (infact telling me I am his world).
I am trying to leave, I have a house lined up to go to with the kids. But he keeps drawing me back in. because a lot of the events are isolated incidents, and also I have become immune to it a little bit, its hard to see it as a cummulative effect. But I know I am a shell of the person i could be, despite all my friends and family thinking I am full of confidence. i smile all the time, I act happy, inside I’m dying.
Keep strong.September 22, 2016 at 4:37 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #115870
Thanks for your very sensible reply. I know what you are saying, I feel very fragile since talking to him yesterday and before I was feeling strong. Essentially the biggest obstacle for me is to out myself (and the kids) above of his inevitable hurt.
Saying that I have a house lined up, have taken legal advice and am getting there slowly. I know its a process, I know I am going to feel odd emotions.
I have never had to break up a relationship, as I only had one boyfriend before him. Its a new thing for me, add in 21 years and two kids, makes it all the more painful I guess.
I keep thinking perhaps things can improve, but I know they won’t for any length of time, and the damage has been done.September 21, 2016 at 8:43 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #115780
Help! So I plucked up the courage to talk to him today and told him I thought I should leave. Now I am confused, he cried a little bit, asked if there is any way back, and is kinda pushing me to make a decision whether I am saying its totally over or whether we can try. I am thinking now perhaps I was a bit premature in telling him and should have just waited until the next blow up and leave………
Where is my head? One minute I am 100% convinced I need to leave, next minute I feel sorry for him and don’t want to see our family unit dissolved. I told him I don’t feel like my mental health is very good. I feel anxious all the time. He said he understands most of what I am saying but some of it he doesn’t. I don’t think (because his memory is poor or selective) he realises the impact he has had on me.
Last night he came with me to take the boys to Karate (its in a new place so he needed to know where to take them in the future). I said to him that during the lesson “I need to go to the shopping centre to pick up my eldest’s school books, you can either stay and watch or come with me if you want to”. Knowing he wasn’t in a great mood. Anyway he decided to stay and watch, and today he accused me of meeting a friend during that hour. I didn’t, I went to the shopping centre like I said to pick up the books which he knew, because I had them with me.
Am I unreasonable? Am I being completely controlled? I don’t honestly think he knows he is doing it half the time….. I asked him to think about what he can do to help things, although I feel and I told him) it might be too late.
I feel like all the soul searching I have done in the last few days has been flipped and I am back to square one again.
Truthfully I love him so much, however I know my mental health is staring to be seriously affected!September 20, 2016 at 4:23 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #115681
Thanks Bella2016, I am selective who I confide in. And I have never discussed anything really with anyone before, so I know that is a big step for me. I also asked my bank today about setting up a separate bank account. I work, he doesn’t but I will make sure he has money to cover the bills and put petrol in the car etc.
I hope you find a solution soon.September 20, 2016 at 3:04 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #115676
@belle2016 Thanks so much for taking the time to log in and reply.
Our situations seem somewhat similar and I read your reply with tears in my eyes. I know I am a very caring person, and I think he knows that and he feels he can behave however her wants with me. that said we do have times when we get on . i said to him if he was “even” all the time it would be ok. But its the moods, the critisism, the negativity, the blame, i cannot take anymore.
We went for a few days away, and I thought being out of the enviroment might help, but he was still snappy and misreading everything. My five year old whispered to me one night “mummy, I hate daddy when he shouts at you”. So its not just me why I have to escape from this. He loves his kids, but he doesn’t understand what a bad example he is being to them. Its so sad.
So, yesterday I had a friend look into some rental properties for me because I want him to stay in our house so he has something to focus on and I am happy to share the kids with him if he agrees. i haven’t told him yet I plan to leave, but in the next two weeks i want too. I also confided in two more friends, 0ne is very fond of him, so her reaction was quite important to me. The one thing I remember her saying is “I would have left him ages ago”. She also said, you are such a good person to be thinking about him, but its time to put yourself first.
However, I know I need to get over the guilt about leaving him, stop worrying so much. he is an adult, I have done more than a normal person would, and I will still be there for him if he needs me.
I hope you find some strength soon, keep replying!September 19, 2016 at 2:59 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #115583
Its been nearly 2 weeks since I posted and we had a few days away holiday together. We laughed a bit, irritated each other a lot and argued a bit. I felt no metter what I do, its always wrong.
Anyway a couple of things I want opinions on.
On Friday I posted a picture that my 5 year old son had taken of me on Facebook. Its a nice photo, but believe me I am not the type of girl who posts photos of myself usually online. On Saturday morning, we had a cuddle in bed (my instigation) and then we got up (no sex). He was in a mood, so I asked him what was wrong, being aware that usually its me thats causes a problem in his eyes.
Two things came out: 1. He was waiting for me to see if I would instigate sex. I didn’t because I was bleeding heavily. When I told him why, he said “why didn’t you tell me” and I replied ” i shouldn’t have to, if I don’t initiate sex, you should not read anything into it at all”. I do by the way initiate sex sometimes, but quite frankly when he isn’t being nice, I don’t always want to.
2. Then he started saying about how me putting photos of myself (one photo), shows a disrespect for our relationship and shows that “likes” from other people are more important than our relationship. He also made a comment about one of my friends liking it (he is a male) and how I also liked his photos………facts are I haven’t seen or spoken to this guy since primary school. He now has a career in photography where he travels the world and takes beautiful photos. Nothing going on, purely innocent.
So: my question is, is this irrational behaviour form him? I defended myself, but deep down I feel I shouldn’t have to on either thing.
Thoughts please?September 6, 2016 at 7:20 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #114375
Hi Monklet- 2 weeks ago I told him it was over, I was very determined, however (another story) he has a driving ban for 4 months which ends in October, so he asked if he could stay in the house and help out until his driving ban was over as he would be a bit stuck (terrible public transport etc). So I agreed. Anyway over the last few days we have been getting on ok , and I think he thinks its back to normal again. I suppose in my own head, i know he is here until october at the earliest so to create an enviroment that isn’t stressful for the kids, I have been nice also and seeing what happens. However I know, and I have told him exactly how he makes me feel, if that continues, i will just say ENOUGH. I don’t believe he can keep it up for very long, as i know he has to have an outlet for his anger. Therapy i am sure would help, but i don’t think he would agree to it.
I agree a part time job would help him, but its persuading him that is the correct way to go.
I know my heart isn’t in working this out, although I do care and love him dearly, I am afraid the damage has been done and I can’t get past that. What he sees as isolated incidents, I see as a cummulative impact. Its like he has chipped a little bit of love away each time. i think he knows this which makes him more insecure and trying (albleit in the wrong way) to try and keep me close, but what it has done is push me further away.
So for now, I will try and keep the peace and see what happens, but the next explosion i think I will know in my head its done. I have laid everything on the line for him, he knows exactly how I feel, so if he continues it will just prove his lack of respect for me. Thanks for the replies again, it helps just to write things down 😉September 5, 2016 at 9:12 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #114293
Thanks again for the replies. We had a quite peaceful weekend where we managed to talk a little bit and be calm around the kids.Regarding the questions you asked I have answered them below.
Why do you think he was unhappy with his job and life? He left University with a degree in Marketing and ended up working with his Father in a family business. He has never had a huge drive in a career and he admits it was the easy option. His father was in and out of his alcoholism at the time, so of course it was difficult for him.
Why did you leave the country? Why did you decide to start a business together? We left the country because he wanted a change and we felt the change would be good for the family (outdoor life, different cultures) and both of us were having to work full time and we were expecting a new baby and felt it would be the best idea for the family. I agreed because I thought it would help him and thought the family would benefit. We holidayed in the region many times, and my parents have a house here where they spend their holidays. In terms of our quality of life and that of the kids too, I feel its improved. We decided to start a business together because it was an idea for how we could make a living, and it was a good idea. Why did that business fail? It failed because despite doing a lot of ground work and research in the end when we submitted out plans to the council, they didn’t allow us to do what we wanted. In the meantime, I started working as a private nurse here and we started to get an income, so we didn’t persue it further.
Why did he fall into the role he is now playing? He fell into this role because I knew I could not sit back and not earn any money, as I have a career (a nurse) that is transferable I set about doing what I had to do so I could practice here. It made sense that he care for the kids while I was absent, and in all honesty he didn’t really try at all to find work. I found quite a few options- medical writing online, transcribing, cleaning, private nurse, baby sitting and now nurse recruitment. i was very lucky to find my current job, which as I said before I can work form home but does involve some travel.
Why was he so miserable in this role? I have asked this so many times, but he cannot really answer me. I feel it is because he feels devalued and he is not stimulated as much as he could be. But that is not because i stiffle him, or chain him to the sink. The kids are at school, he has a lot of free time he could spend doing whatever he wanted. Honestly, so long as the kids are cared for (they have food to eat and clothes to wear and are loved) he can spend that time doing whatever he likes. But he feels guilty about doing that, but that is his own perception, not form me. I honestly never nag or whine at him.
What role does he want to play in the relationship? I don’t know, I don’t think he knows, he shows no desire to be the breadwinner but doesn’t seem happy in the role he is doing now.
Do you appreciate the role he has taken on in the relationship? Absolutely, as I know i couldn’t fulfil my role at work if he wasn’t. i also couldn’t travel. My salary is enough for him not to work. I think he feels it when we are talking to people, and they ask him what he does. I say to him no-one would ask a stay at home mum the same, so why would they think the same of you? But it doesn’t change his mindset at all. Like I said before I would feel much happier if he felt content in his role. If he isn’t then we need to decide what we do.
Are you supportive in the role he has taken on in the relationship? Yes, I feel I support him well. I still cook, clean, sort the kids out, go food shopping, allow him free time at the weekends etc. He enjoys cycling and djing so in the last year I bought him a bike, and some dj decks and I take him to bike races sometimes. I would literally do anything for him that makes him happy, which is why it upsets me so much that he can treat me with so much hatred and resentment.
Do you criticize him in the role he has taken on in the relationship? No, never. The only thing I try and discuss is for him to have more patience with the boys. He is quick to anger, and his patience is very short.
Why won’t he take time for himself? He does, but he could do more for himself. I don;t know why he doesn’t, a perceived sense of guilt?
Why is he becoming more controlling, more jealous, more fearful? I don’t really know. He said to me once his worse fear is I think or feel “I deserve better”. Ironically, its only because of his moods and the way he talks and treats me that would ever say this. He isn;t very confident anymore, he used to be. he had a swagger, but now i think he feels inferior, but I don;t know why he would. Is it the male psych to feel he has to be the hunter gatherer, even if he hasn’t wanted to take that role on?
Why do you feel so tired and drained in a relationship that is supposed to be the opposite? Because he constantly critizes me, snaps easily, keep demanding more and more form me. I feel like I cannot do anything without him picking up on it. I think he has OCD, which makes life difficult for me. He will comment for example if the dishwasher isn’t loaded to his specification.; often it is done in a jokey way, but I feel often I have no autonomy. He will comment if I spend money, again often in a jokey way, but it still makes an impact on how I feel about it.
Why does he also feel tired, miserable and drained in this relationship? I don’t know, but he is a very negative person, in all works of life. But this has got a lot worse in the last few years,
Why don’t you both communicate what you are both feeling, thinking and desiring to one another? I try. But my feelings are often dismissed as being silly or too emotional. He said to me recently “why do you put so much emphasis on words?” and “You get emotional, don’t you, I think its a sign of weakenss”- I actually think I am strong, I get emotional (not so much with us anymore) but if a film is sad, if I miss someone etc.
What is causing this separation? His behaviour, and I have pulled away as a way of protecting myself I think.
Why is he lacking motivation? I thought he was depressed, he has been on medication for a while, it hasn’t helped that much. That said he never sits and does nothing, he doesn’t sit all day in front of the TV. right now he is in the garden tidying it up. He did the housework this morning etc. I appreciate everything he does. But he doesn’t do anything with any aspect of joy, its always with a moan.
Why is he so dependent upon you? He is financially and emotionally. He doesn’t have any friends he turns too and he has isolated himself from his family (I understand why).
Why does he want to limit the contact his children have with their grandparents? Because he feels its imbalanced, and they spoil them. They spoil them with love and affection. I think he feel less important when they are around.
He isn’t always like this, but it doesn’t come easy to him to be light and not take things seriously. I do enjoy his company when he isn’t in a dark mood, we laugh together. The kids have fun with him, we have fun as a family. But when we have a nice day, sometimes he can say one horrible thing to me or be on at me, and it just spoils it. I don’t understand why he doe it.September 2, 2016 at 9:42 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #114024
In all honesty I think the older one is tuning in to things and he feels it. The youngest one is such a happy little soul in his own world, i don’t think it affects him, but it could do of course. I try really hard not to argue in front of them, but there is a lot of tension in the household in terms of his mood swings. They are both very caring sweet boys. He is a good dad, but he isn’t patient, I know he loves them dearly but he is quick to get irritated. The boys look up to him a lot, and give him a lot of affection and he is super proud of them.
I know where a lot of his anger comes from. His dad was an alcoholic (he died in November after being sober for 7 years, they were not close), and his mother is a cold hearted woman who although I know loves him, does not have a maternal bone in her body. He has very little contact with his mother or his brother (who has alcohol issues too). His parents only seemed to care about each other, and was an equally toxic relationship. She left him just before he got sober, they lived apart but remained friends. I have tried to help him, but he doesn’t really want to talk about it. Apart from tears the day we buried his father he has hardly mentioned it, despite my oldest son talking about it and me trying to engage in conversations with him too. He knows i would sit and talk to him for hours if he would just open up. Maybe its too painful for him.
One thing he has an issue with is the contact my parents have with the kids, who are very loving grandparents, whereas his mother is very distant. Which in turn leads to him trying to control the time my parents spend with the kids. Just writing it down, makes me realise this is more complicated than I think……..September 2, 2016 at 8:59 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #114010
Anita: thanks for the suggestions. I have suggested therapy before, but we live in a foreign country and he isn’t that keen on the whole idea. I speak the language, he hasn’t made much of an effort to learn. i will take a look and suggest it again. Even if it only helps him and not the relationship. I don;t want him to be alone, and he will be very much alone if I leave. I sound like such a victim, if a friend was telling me what i experience I would be packing the bags for them.September 2, 2016 at 8:57 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #114009
Monklet80-Thanks for the words. i know in my heart what I need to do, but I feel responsible for his happiness which is why I stuck around for so long. I am a very caring person, always trying to understand why people act like they do and put my needs last, so that is the difficulty. I need to learn to put myself first. And I will, for the sake of the boys as well. Thanks.
September 2, 2016 at 7:59 am in reply to: Advice appreciated, long term relationship ending. #114000
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by jlo5.
Thanks for your reply. The issue is he has no desire to want to fulfil the role you talk about, but at the same time isn’t happy with the role he is doing now. I am content with the situation, although I do miss having the kids on my own, like I did in the past. However I am still very much present in the kids day to day lives, I get them up and ready for school, makes breakfast, dinner and give them baths and put them to bed. i work form home which means i am here for them if they need me. I still maintain a very strong maternal bond with them.
I appreciate what you are saying, but he also has no desire to make bonds or friendships of his own. He has virtually cut all contact off with his family, and says me and the boys are his life. But then shouts, calls me names and fires off for no reason.
I have been trying for ages to improve the situation, he doesn’t seem to want too. i care about him deeply, which is why I put up with so much.
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by jlo5.