Home→Forums→Relationships→Emotionally Abused Man
- This topic has 103 replies, 19 voices, and was last updated 3 minutes ago by Peter.
September 22, 2016 at 2:58 am #115867
Remember Broken Man,
Abusers never change. It’s usually physical abusers that everyone associates with, but verbal and mental abuse is just the same. As you stated the “normal” behavior is just an act and anger is building up everyday. Again I wish you all the best and even though you are scared to leave, the time will come when you have had enough and will walk away from all of this.
All the best
Thank you and take care.
-AP85September 22, 2016 at 4:48 am #115872jlo5Participant
@Brokenman- no advice form me as I am experiencing the same thing and struggling despite being very emotionally aware and smart, that what is happening to me is emotional/verbal abuse. I think it is because I cannot deal with the heartbreak of knowing the man I love, doesn’t feel the same despite telling me he does (infact telling me I am his world).
I am trying to leave, I have a house lined up to go to with the kids. But he keeps drawing me back in. because a lot of the events are isolated incidents, and also I have become immune to it a little bit, its hard to see it as a cummulative effect. But I know I am a shell of the person i could be, despite all my friends and family thinking I am full of confidence. i smile all the time, I act happy, inside I’m dying.
Keep strong.September 22, 2016 at 6:48 am #115881
jlo5 – Good luck with your plan. I hope you find a happier place and recover from your troubles. In my experience, even though the abuse is mostly absent these days the damage has been done such that I am always walking on eggshells in a hyper-vigilant state of semi-constant anxiety. Even during times of calm, it’s like sharing your life with a raging wild animal that is sleeping and knowing that when it awakens, things could turn very bad and very quickly for no obvious reason. I think it’s called Narcissistic rage and such people have an overwhelming sense of entitlement to do as they please with their victims, who become their sources of gratification. There is never any happiness in such an environment and so there are never any good times. Just times with varying degrees of stress, fear, sadness, depression and all kinds of crazy-making emotions whilst waiting for the next attack. Psychological problems arise from this constant feeling of being in a stressful situation. Eventually there is no love at all. Just bitterness and resentment. If you become very stressed by the environment and find it very traumatising then complex PTSD is where it ends.September 22, 2016 at 8:02 am #115886AnonymousGuest
Dear Broken Man:
I copied and pasted your most recent post so to print for my own keep because it describes my childhood so well. Your description is so clear, sensible, simple and thorough, it amazes me. In my effort to get yet more insight into my own childhood and my own complex PTSD symptoms, I would like to ask you a few questions. If you are willing, please consider sharing the following with me:
1. Have you been hoping, through your history with her, that she will change? Are you hoping that she will become a calm, happy woman?
2. If you hoped or hope that she will change, did you try to – other than walking on eggshells- to make her calm and happy? How?
anitaSeptember 22, 2016 at 1:26 pm #115934
I can’t say that I have ever had hopes of her becoming a better person who is calm and happy. That is something that I have never really thought about. My hopes have been more around me leaving her or her leaving me. On point 2, I have always tried to avoid confrontation by telling her whatever it is that I think she wants to hear. Also, I have never tried to control her in any way and she has been able to act exactly as she pleases in all aspects of her life. By nature I am a very easy going person who never gets into confrontations with anyone but for many years my wife has had a long history of starting confrontation out of nothing with total and utter disrespect for my feelings.September 22, 2016 at 9:09 pm #115970AnonymousGuest
Dear Broken Man:
Thank you for answering my questions; I appreciate it.
By nature, you wrote, you never get into confrontations with anyone. Were you like that before you met her, as a child and onward, non confrontational, so much so that you would give in to anyone aggressive?
anitaSeptember 22, 2016 at 11:09 pm #115976
Anita – I think by nature I am non-confrontational. Probably because of my laid-back nature. I have always been like this. Unfortunately this is not the case in dealings with my wife who is very good at upsetting my equilibrium causing deep anxiety. I am not sure if I have a problem with other aggressive people. For the last 20 years I have been working in a what is often a very difficult industrial environment dealing with customer complaints involving large sums of money. I have visited such complaining customers all over the world and things can get very heated and difficult, to say the least. I have no problems dealing with these difficult people and situations and can always maintain a cool head. Very different with dealings with my wife.September 23, 2016 at 11:59 am #116022AnonymousGuest
Dear Broken Man:
In your original post you wrote: “I cannot work out why her anger makes me feel so bad. I do not have problems dealing with others who show similarly aggressive characteristics.. With others, it’s like water off a duck’s back. With my wife it’s very different and completely the opposite as I take things deeply to heart.
It really is as if I am under her hurtful spell….” In your last post you gave more detail: ” For the last 20 years I have been working in a what is often a very difficult industrial environment dealing with customer complaints involving large sums of money…I have no problems dealing with these difficult people and situations and can always maintain a cool head. Very different with dealings with my wife.”
Your wife is at home, your home. The customers are outside your home. Because your wife is at home, you have no way to escape her and so, you are trapped with her. When you visit your customers, you only visit them. Living with your wife, you go to bed at night knowing you will be asleep in the presence of the-enemy, unable to protect yourself. Living with the enemy, you cannot always pay attention to her moves, too many hours, too many minutes every hour to always be alert.
It is being TRAPPED that makes the fear escalate inside and interrupt the cool headedness you experience otherwise at work.
anitaSeptember 23, 2016 at 5:45 pm #116072
As you mentioned the lack of confrontation can be found within yourself. Taking a deep look inside of you. I would suggest a small action that will greatly change the outcome and your way of thinking. Begin by changing your username from broken man to something such as healed man or survivor, etc. That way you will begin to jump start your subconscious mind after repeatedly seeing it and having others address you as that improved username.
All the best to you healed man.
Thank you and take care
-AP85September 23, 2016 at 10:29 pm #116104
Adam P – Thanks for your suggestion. When I signed up to this site and started the thread I had a very different name. At some point it got changed when I was updating my profile but I don’t recall actually requesting the change to what it is today. Presumably some mistake on my part. I will change it to something more positive as I feel I am moving forward with a chapter of my life coming to an end and a new one about to start. Whether much really changes remains to be seen.September 25, 2016 at 5:29 pm #116242
I have just one question for you healed man.
When you’re driving down the road do you make an effort to drive close to the car that is tailgating others or is speeding? So why apply that same concept to your emotional well being?
One thing I would suggest would be going out and doing something that scares you (ie facing a phobia, stepping out of your comfort zone). My suggestion would be to join either a men’s support group or a public speaking club where you can improve your communication and learn to properly argue/debate.
All the best to you healed man
Thank you and take care
-AP85September 26, 2016 at 5:00 am #116297
I don’t tend to drive as you suggest but I take your point about being too close to what is not healthy and frightening. Normally, I have no problems confronting my fears. Speaking to an audience is not a problem for me having done it on many occasions. I just have these issues associated with standing up for myself within the context of my marriage which is a fear I face every single day. Unlike most fears, it doesn’t seem to get any easier even with daily exposure. That is what abuse does unfortunately. It causes psychological problems from constantly being on edge over the long term resulting in complex PTSD. The feelings keep on returning even in the absence of the stimulus.September 26, 2016 at 6:25 am #116299Peter ReeceParticipant
A terrible situation you are in. I feel for you deeply.
I don’t feel qualified to offer you any advice here but may I ask a question?
You’ve said what you do want to happen i.e. that you leave or she throws you out.
What do you want for your life beyond that?
PeteSeptember 26, 2016 at 7:55 am #116307
What I want for the future is a peaceful life where I can do as I please even if that means doing nothing as opposed to someone who is constantly imposing their agenda on me. It’s as if she has the need to impose her agenda for the sake of being in control of me. Almost as if the imposition of the agenda is more important than the agenda. I just want to be left alone to do as I please without someone wanting me to do as they please and will invent stuff just to impose their will.September 26, 2016 at 8:09 am #116310
Well then healed man, it’s up to you to change and life will step in and help, otherwise you might just be with her and then sleep 6 ft in the ground every night.
I want to remind you as Khan mentioned, things do get better. While my situation was not as extreme as yours, throw in losing a valuable family member and being humbled and continuing on getting into med school whenever that may be. After you decided you have had enough, you will experience the FOG along with anger. That in turn will change to pity and sorrow for her and your improvement happens. As well hoovering happens as she will try and get back in contact with you just to please herself. Stay strong. Stay NO CONTACT.
All the best
Thank you and take care.