Sorry, Anita, I didn’t know I have to address a particular person here. As to “who” I’m asking and “why” it’s just a question and just a thought. Have a good day!

Dear Anita, you wrote: “Like you I didn’t know an identity, not in my twenties, or my thirties, or forties. I too did not trust myself to make decisions, not even small decisions, not even the smallest decision between having vanilla or strawberry ice cream, literally.” – Could you please elaborate on that? I think I know what you mean, but I’m not sure if it happened to me, perhaps yes, I need to think about that.  I think small everyday decisions bring me struggle, never knew why I’m so indecisive  but could you please say more about it. Example: when choosing a face cream seeing all the wide choice I have, I cannot buy one, I HAVE TO buy 3 or 4 because I can’t choose which is the good one and I’m afraid if I do choose only one I’ll miss out somehow, so I  get a couple of them so that I don’t have to choose. wow that’s really weird.

Yes I am aware of my need for my mother, recently I have feeling I “miss ” her but not miss her, as you miss someone, I know spending time with her is: walking on eggshells, being careful not to offend her, listening to her vent, being scolded, absorbing her emotions, so NO, I don’t “miss” her as a basic meaning of a word ‘miss’. I miss having a mother. I miss a person she sometimes was, whenever she behaved “okay” it was cool for me. But mostly she’s not and she has a bad influence on me, so phone calls from time to time are okay, don’t affect me that much I think.

Dear Anita,

Yes, pretty much. what I wanted to add is..having a narcissistic mother is tricky. I just realized something since I’ve been living apart from her, which is a good revelation: there are things I’ve done on purpose, to make her angry like not getting driving license and showing her I hate cars – which is not true, I hated the fact she pushed me but what this has done for me is I have been living for her, I did not get driving license FOR HER. because of her. My own preference was not important, I did not even have one. Which is stupid. I’m just realizing this. I used to say I hated the city because she made me move here. I was always making her angry saying I want to live in a village and have no ambitions like she said about my dad.Truth is I got used to living in the city and it’s tough for me to be far away. She used to call me messy and clumsy so I was more messy just to show her. I hated the fact she is so neat and cleans everything all the time. Truth is, I realized while living alone I like my things organized. I clean before going to sleep because I feel better. I used to “love” a guy who she thought was perfect, maybe he was, his appearance, way of speaking, he was a perfect idea of a man. But we didn’t have much in common, he was into games and boring stuff which literally bored me, but I did not see that then, because once  I discovered how impressed she was by him I started chasing him and fell in love after 2 or 3 dates. (I showed her a picture very early and she “loved” him). It’s sad I really thought I loved him where in reality I was crazy about the idea that my mother admires me for having a perfect man, that this perfect man wants me, I must be worth something. so I discovered some things about myself. Still not enough to have a personality/identity.. and still too late to discover this. I know it’s good I did but it’s too late. I know it sounds not very complicated but I think people who has grown with a narcissistic and abusive mother would understand.

What I struggle the most is seeking validation. Even today when she called me I deliberately told her about commuting and how it’s tiring just to hear her approval about my problem. I’m an adult and I dont trust myself to make a big decision. I know it’s hasty to move out, maybe I should live here for a year or two but I already know I dont feel good here and it’s not for me. How to discover what I like and want in life, how do I do that. I’m not even sure I hate this place.. can’t tell. I know I think I don’t like the commuting, I dont like the fact there are no shops around, but I hated the noise in the city. But I miss living near some places, not in the middle of nowhere. I feel like I don’t even trust to ask myself what I want, because there is no me. I think sometimes I pretend and fake having opinions and preferences. not on purpose, I just dont know how to tell if I like something or not. Like I always used to say I love playing the piano, guitar, My dad did and since moving out there was no one to teach me, and she failed to continue my music education because she didn’t care, so I was always making her angry saying how I wasted my talent because of her. Recently I realized I’m more into singing, and I always was and I don’t really like to play instruments that much, which I really didn’t know then because I spent my life doing and saying things for my mother to hear, and not focusing on my own preferences. I know it sounds scary. I wasted my life “acting” and pretending for my mother, I created a person based on what she projected on me, and I’m not that person, it scares me it’s impossible to develop a sense of identity after all these years, I don’t even know how to do that.