Anita,

Please take your time, it’s totally Okay for me.

I was preparing to sleep and decided to came back for a moment

You are welcome and thank you, precious Joanna

and say how I wish I would be so good with words and expressing how I appreciate people.

I will say I am grateful you are here.

good night, sister!

have a good day sister 🙂

Anita, Thank you for being understanding. Although I was not that busy, just needed to be focused and I was a bit nervous earlier before going to the vet with my cat.

I don’t have any memory of myself when I was very young, but I bet I was attentive too… before I withdrew into my own head, lost in thoughts or in fantasy.

I too blamed myself for my cognitive dysfunctions while all along, those were the result of brain injury that was inflicted on me. And I know that my healing is and will be partial (but that’s good enough for me!)

I was thinking today while walking in the park, my usual place for taking a walk..looking at the trees, feeling the cold air, trying to be attentive and see, feel, hear… How would it be have we not experienced the trauma.. I see how people react, pay attention, I know I am different. I wonder how it is, what possibilities can person have after having healthy upbringing. I felt anger at my parents, my mother for putting me through this. But then I thought about what you wrote “I know that my healing is and will be partial (but that’s good enough for me!)”and it felt so nice, so positive. The way it should feel. I felt acceptance for myself. I need to remind myself anger should not be directed at myself.

aviv clinics. com: “Cortisol and Cognition: How the stress hormone affects the brain… attentional challenges, slowed processing, poor memory, word recall, or simply muddled thinking… The effects of stress on the brain includes functional atrophy of the HPA, hippocampus, amygdala, and the frontal lobe.

“Functional atrophy means that the brain is losing neurons and connectivity between those neurons. This can impair brain functions such as thought processing, memory, and emotional regulation… Research indicates long-term high cortisol levels are linked to reduced hippocampal volume… below are just a few consequences of high cortisol levels on the brain: * The amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex are the most affected areas of the brain. Together, they control emotions, learning, memory, executive function, and decision-making… * Over-exposure to cortisol can kill off brain cells. The hippocampus volume is also lower for people with chronic stress, elevated cortisol levels, and depression”.

That is probably the best description of my health and emotional/memory issues.

“The amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex are the most affected areas of the brain. Together, they control emotions, learning, memory“.

I do seem to have problem with learning. I was always obsessed with knowing things, learning by heart, I felt bad I did not remember basic knowledge, people calling me out for this sometimes.

Also I thought this was interesting:

I remember reading this: “Trauma therapists assert that abuse experienced early in life can overwhelm the central nervous system, causing children to split off a painful memory from conscious awareness. They maintain that this psychological defense mechanism—known as dissociative amnesia—turns up routinely in the patients they encounter.” Not sure where I found it then but I googled today and it was on scientificamerican.com.

I remember thinking “That’s why I have so little memories from childhood”. Still, it can be from daydreaming, living in fantasy world.

Also I found this interesting, explains the process of trauma being stored in brain. It may not be groundbreaking knowledge but I find it fascinating.

if and when you are ready, please do. I will probably follow your example and do the same.

Good to know, I feel encouraged!

Can you explain to me what you mean by going crazy, in the context of seeing her lying there again and again?

Every time she was in better mood and again speaking to me she was happy, excited, baked cookies, painted me a picture, bought me things..can’t remember what exactly but usually something she knew I had wanted like clothes.. or drove to the place I was giving lessons (teaching kids at their home) – one of them lived very away and I spent two hours or so in a bus/waiting for a bus – she made me a surprise couple of times- she drove there to give me a ride back home. It was all very confusing, I accepted this “help” and “forgot” she was not speaking to me the day before. That’s why I started writing all this. She made me look crazy, because she was so good to me, making all those surprises and giving me presents, I was denying the reality of the abuse, I did not think of it. One time when she was not speaking to me, (I think in high school) I was in my room, listening to a song, I think I was crying. She came and brought me a picture she painted. Said “Look what I painted for you, you liked this photo, didn’t you” and I immediately smiled and thanked her, took it from her. I wasn’t even sad anymore, I was so happy she finally spoke to me. I forgot and forgave her without thinking twice. No, she forgave me for whatever I hurt her.

At this particular time 2017-18 the silent treatment was almost constant and less “good deeds” on her part but still she was excited and in a good mood out of the blue so that was very confusing. Overall I slept badly then, used to wake up shivering, I ate less and less, I think I weighed 45kg, I had obsessions. I now think I was not well emotionally and I knew that so I kept those notes of what was going on.

I think that for the purpose of connecting with my mother who gossiped A LOT about everyone, I provided her with gossip, wherever I could.. or encouraged her gossip, so to be able to have a.. commonality with her, something to have a friendly conversation about, to be.. like friends gossiping about a 3rd party.

I did exactly the same. It did seem like “commonality with her” indeed…finally, a connection. I, too, encouraged my mother to gossip together. She loved it. It started when I was 12. I am so ashamed of this, I gossiped on girl I was friends with. It led to me ending this friendship because I got so angry with her as a result of gossiping with my mother. However I am pretty sure my mother gossiped about me, I never heard it but her partner hated me and I heard him talking about me many times, and my mother too, like yours, gossiped about everyone. No one was safe. No friend, no family member.

“I realized how different voice and face expression I made when I was with her“- what do you mean, specifically?

I realized I used to do it to in her presence, especially when I was younger but later as well. It was a half smile, very pleasant facial expression and pleasant voice, not exaggerated, just enough to not be accused of having bad intentions. I think I learnt it when I was young (around 12yo) when she used to ask me everyday “What is wrong with you? Why are you angry/furious again?”. I knew I had to seem happy and nice for her, otherwise she will think I am angry at her. I guess it was a habit, I did not think of it. When I talked to her I tried to seem pleasant and nice so that she wouldn’t get the “wrong” impression: she was so fragile, her mood could change in a second and the reason could be my face expression.

Hello Anita,

always have been heavily lost in thoughts, so much so, that I couldn’t describe to you the basics of what I walked through. What I saw, heard and felt was all happening in between my two ears. What was happening outside of my brain.. was lost to me. I think that I made progress in this regard, but progress from the extremes of inattentiveness is not objectively impressive, meaning: I would still be a bad eye (and ear) witness to an accident, let’s say.. couldn’t tell what cars would be involved, what make, what color, whether a vehicle was a car or a truck..  what happened, etc.

I can relate to this so much. I think the fact that you have made any progress from extremes of inattentiveness is impressive. I know how difficult it is and how much work it requires.

I remember first being attentive in very early childhood, and with time it worsened. When I got a new doll and a new desk, I looked at it from every perspective, knew the colors, the texture, being very much engaged in every thing that I had in my room. With time I lost any interest in all that. Fantasies overtook me.

emotional trauma, such as in childhood, literally damages/ injures the brain, causing “dendritic atrophy“: a wasting away of neurons in the brain.

When as a child you are overly stressed for way too long, the stress hormones themselves injure the brain!

I googled it and saw the video and pictures explaining. Thank you for sharing this, Anita.

This really saddens me. How abuse changes/destroys a person forever. I always thought my memory issues are due to genetics or not training memory enough.

I have constant elevated cortisol levels. I visited doctors but they say it is how it is. Maybe the reason is that I get scared every day, for example when I hear a phone ringing I get this weird feeling in my stomach, like adrenaline rush but in a bad way. Similar when people approaching me, etc.

When I think of this feeling of fear I have several memories when I was the most scared in my childhood. . I am still not ready to process some of them, although I may have mentioned one here on this thread and once with a psychiatrist I was seeing. Maybe I will describe it here soon for processing purpose.

Last week I found my notes from 2017/18. I took them so that I would not forget. Most of them were similar: “my mother is lying on bed looking as if she was suffering.. with her eyes closed, her hand covering her eyes dramatically … sighing.. ” “again she is on her bed, 5 pm, in her pyjamas, she did not eat, did not turn on tv, lying with her eyes closed… only because I asked her day before what have I ever done to you?!” …”I woke up in the middle of the night and went to bathroom, she was there, sitting, wasn’t moving.. I asked what are you doing here? She didn’t respond. I touched her and asked again. Again no reply. I was scared”  “She came back from work, I was in the kitchen, she passed me like I wasn’t there. I asked whether she wanted soup. No response. Now she is lying on the bed, sighing. Sometimes I feel I am going crazy.”

I took those notes and even I took a picture of her lying on the bed so that I knew it really happened and I was not crazy. I still have this picture.

I noticed a lot of things, still realizing some of them. How I was emotionally addicted to certain emotions because of her. Emotions through which I could connect with her, like anger. Whenever she was angry/not speaking to me I could start complaining at something/someone and she would get angry-excited, speaking to me again. That worked only sometimes of course but still.. those were moments I saw she was.. alive and present again, therefore.. I was too. I gave up addition to this feeling, it was hard because I had to let it out this anger somewhere, I was so used to this emotion. I still try not to get caught up in angry venting, reliving bad situations that happen to me. It gets easier.

I realized how different voice and face expression I made when I was with her (children-like, pleasant voice – this, similar as my tic, was a shield from her anger).

I see it’s almost 6 am your time. 2:54 here. Looking forward to read your response Anita.

Anita,

I said your name as I walked on the fresh crunchy snow!

very nice and cute and.. magic 🙂 On my walk I thought: I wonder if you get lost in thoughts just like I do sometimes, or are you often mindful and observant.

Although I must admit ever since I live here meditation and mindfulness is easier. Years ago it was exhausting trying to focus for 2 minutes. Minute or two of meditating was a success. Now I can sit on the balcony for a long time, look at the park, birds, trees without overthinking.

I think I will be sharing some thoughts tomorrow.

Looking at the time, it’s past 12 at your place. Have a good day, Anita.

Anita, Thank you for the note. I hope you’re well and enjoying your weekend. 🙂

Anita,

again, commonality between you and I

It does feel less lonely to know this. And not only that, a lot of different emotions: happy and glad you are there (and here), sad you feel this way too. Less lonely for sure.

 At times it feels… like we are the same person!

perfectly fine with me! (Can we say we are sisters? I never had one)

A neighbor knocked on the door an hour ago with Christmas cookies on a plate.. nice.

Such a nice neighbor. Enjoy the cookies! Glad you’re feeling better and planning to go outside.

Anita,

as you can see, here I am!

this sounded so cheerful to me 🙂 I hope your day is good!

I hope that you are working from home today, since you said you prefer it to working in the office.

Yes, yesterday was hard: going there, being around a lot of people (it was Christmas presents day). It was good to chat and spend some time together but also overwhelming. Today I was happy with my at home routine, I really appreciate it. Good to be thankful and appreciative, so simple and joyful feeling.

Anita,

Regardless of whether you post again today, I want to update you later about how my day went (here, it is early afternoon) because it makes me look forward to hopefully update you about my progress today!

please do! I usually check couple times a day whether you posted unless I am away or busy working (or sleeping of course).

Keeping my fingers crossed for your well being.