Hello tontonyanou,

I’m so glad you are getting so much from us that resonates with you! I am also enjoying Anita’s responses and your excitement that they are so on target.

It’s so great that you see there is fear behind “all of your problems.” I teach a course on stress management, and one of my exercises challenges people to come to this recognition for themselves. They can usually identify individual fears, but they have a little more difficulty realizing that most of their problems trace back to one fear or another.

One day I will write a book on fear because we are all fearful whether we realize it or not. It’s a big issue.

I think you might also like one of my favorite Buddhist quotes: “There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.”

So if we can find the happiness in “the way,” that’s the ultimate. It is definitely there.

One time I went to a weekend event where three or four of us were put on the spot by the teacher. He was confronting our issues–bringing them to the surface–and helping us to deal with them. It might sound harsh, but he had a very good heart and a good way of doing this. We trusted him. He discovered with me that I never had a happy childhood. I never played as a child.

Before one of the breaks, he said to me, “You need to go play during this break.” He gave me some ideas. “There is a plate of cookies in the kitchen. Go take a bite out of one of them and then put the rest of it back on the plate. Go outside on the swing and swing to your heart’s content.” I’ll never forget that. I started adding silly play to my days after that…then more adult play where I found friends who owned boats and we would go sailing on the water.

Maybe you could try adding silly play into your life, too. Make sure it makes you smile!

Back to fear again….your analogy with the sun and the clouds is very unique. I like that!

There is a verse from “The Prophet” about sadness and joy that says something similar to what you said, “…fear, when we use it correctly leads inevitably to love, deeper and more wise love.” The Prophet says we can only feel joy to the same extent that we can feel sorrow.” That sorrow hollows out our cup and then joy can fill that same cup to the same extent. That is very comforting to hear when you are feeling sorrowful.

And yes, it is true that fear (and other forms of pain) teach us. They motivate us to grow in order to move away from the fear and the pain. They get us moving.

But I believe we can “identify with the outside world if fear isn’t there to make us reflect.” We can also identify with the inside world (within our soul) without fear. Fear is a powerful motivator. But I have often asked not to be motivated by fear and pain anymore….to be motivated only by positive things.

On the yoga path, the end goal is total bliss–“ananda.” Sat, chit, ananda means “ever existing, ever conscious, ever new bliss.” Many yogis have achieved this state.

I was trying to think of an analogy today. But it’s hard to think of something to substitute for fear in the analogy. It’s kind of like walking with a crutch and a cast when you have a broken leg. These implements allow you to walk somewhat well, when otherwise you would be unable to walk. But once your leg fully heals, you are able to throw your cast and crutch away and walk far better without them.

So fear can motivate us to change for the better, and when we get to that state of happiness and contentment, we no longer need fear to motivate us.

Returning to your analogy, when we can be the sun, why go under the cloud cover anymore when the sun is ever new bliss (it never gets boring)?

At the same time, when we are experiencing fear or pain or illness, remaining emotionally unaffected by it is another yogic goal. This is because to be attached to anything, whether we label it good, bad, or neutral, is discouraged. This has to do with a belief in reincarnation. It is said that attachments are what require us to return to a next life so we can learn more lessons. But that’s a different concept than the one you are talking about.

I think fear is not the same as love and pain is not the same as happiness. The intensity might be the same, and one can even lead to the other, as you say, if we use them correctly. But when we react to them, our reactions are opposite. Fear causes negative reactions and love causes positive reactions. When we truly love someone we don’t fear them. We are drawn toward them rather than running away.

Also, if we are afraid of something and decide to face our fear, we can prove that it’s not real. If we’re afraid of deep water, like I once was, we can learn to scuba dive and completely overcome our fear, realizing that it was not real.

This works with most fears. Now, you can say, “I’m afraid if I fall off a cliff I will die, and that is probably true.” But you can say, “I’m afraid if I get close to the cliff I will fall off,” and prove that you will not fall off if you learn to stop projecting yourself down the cliff with your mind and you learn to maintain your balance and gain confidence.

Hi Adam,

You said you wanted a “kick in the a__.” What would it take for you to do that for yourself? There’s no need to wait for the year to end. Time is just an invention anyway. There’s no time like the present. Why drag out your anguish? It sounds like you really want to feel better, so take the steps you need to take.

It might be helpful to seek some professional counseling (individual or group) if you are depressed. That can be very helpful, whereas taking depressants (like alcohol) only makes things worse.

Would it help to have a “con” on your list for this woman? How about that she ran to another man when things got tough in your relationship? That is neither trusting nor trustworthy behavior.

I feel for your situation–don’t mean to sound blunt–love is a tough emotion to sort out. I once wasted 5 years of my life on someone who couldn’t make a commitment to me. He broke my heart many times but I kept feeling like I loved him and I took him back every time he showed up at my door. I pined for him in the meantime. What a shame–a waste of time and such agony!

I finally realized I was in love with a guy I hadn’t seen for 5 years. He changed his behavior toward me, but I failed to recognize or admit it because I was stuck on the intensity of the love I had felt for him that was established in the beginning.

Once I realized he wasn’t who he had pretended to be in the beginning, it made it easier for me to move on.

It may sound trite but it’s true, my life is so much better now that I left him behind. I had no idea things could be this good.

I do wish you well. Why not give yourself the kick you need so you can start the new year with a good outlook having conquered (or at least started to work on) your depression? You deserve to be happy. Don’t beat yourself up. Do some juicing and be good to your body, too, while you’re working on this instead of burdening it. It will help turn your depression around!

Take care! Jan

Hi Karla, Have you tried speaking with any counselors at school or anyone else about this issue? Since you know you had depersonalization, it’s apparent that you spoke with someone.

It would be helpful for you to find someone who can do something like EMDR for you. EMDR stands for “Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.” It’s a very simple process that helps people deal with past trauma very effectively. It actually changes your brain to help you change the types of things you are dealing with. It’s also very quick.

It is often used for post traumatic stress syndrome, but the reason for it is to deal with trauma, which you have in your past.

You can find some practitioners here: http://comprehensivetherapyapproach.com/ If there is no one close to you, you can google it to find other sources.

If you do this, it can help you very quickly and take years off of the time it would take you to solve this issue by talking it out or figuring out an approach on your own.

I wish you much luck! I know you can have success healing in this way! I believe it is the most direct route.

Hello Jerris,

You have received some wonderful input here. I just want to add that it is absolutely possible to get paid for traveling. Nothing is impossible. And believe me, jobs for corporate America as well as the education industry are totally over-rated.

Just google “how to get paid to travel” and you will see.

If this doesn’t suit you, try googling how to use your teacher credentials in other ways. Do a little research and you may find something that surprises and delights you.

Never give up!