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Diffficulty dealing with a not-so-great past

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  • #79868
    Karla
    Participant

    I am having a hard time living in the present as my past continually comes back. I would like to say that I am relatively young(Almost out of high school). I know that I probably have a lot of the “raging hormones” in my body, but honestly I believe that my inability to deal with my past is what is currently affecting my life now, especially with my relationships with people in general. But I have no idea how I’m supposed to deal with it since no one is willing to even listen. Well here’s an overview of the past:
    >I was born in a not so great country where oppurtunity to get a job was difficult so my mother and I had to go through hunger and not very nice living conditions, but in a child’s eyes that didn’t matter. What did matter was the fact that my biological father would beat/hurt my mother in front of me. He would then continue to bad mouth her in front of me.
    >Since my mother and I barely had enough to live off on she decided it would be best to move to a country where she find a job at. This was particularly hard for me since I had to leave the only family I ever knew there. I had to leave the people I cherished most to go to an unfamilar place where I couldn’nt even speak the language.
    >I got here and of course I assimilated to the customs here and tried to make the best out of the situation. At school I was bullied because at that time I was fat and didn’t exactly have the brand name clothes or the rich family life. At home I was living with a stupid piece of shit uncle(Sorry) that eventually kicked us out of his house because he couldn’t get some from my mother. Again we had hardly any money but we managed.
    >I transferred schools 3 times. The finally time I had to leave my good friends that I cared about a lot. Eventually we drifted apart ande again at this new school I was bullied for the same things just ugly was added to the list.
    >After a while I fought back of course and became extremely angry/bitter. My anger was my natural defense, so eventually it proved to be effective and I made friends(I became popular more or less) But those so called friends then betrayed me by spreading a rumor then attacking me all at once. Now that I look back on it I deserved it since I became the bully that I hated so much. I know that now.

    After that I became quiet and guarded. Eventually I made real friends and all was great for a while. Since all of this happened I guess I developed a habit of detatching myself from my reality which was a bad habit. My mental health suffered once I developed Depersonalization. This was particularly frightening because as I entered high school the bullying stopped at once and people actually liked me and I was doing alright. This disorder literally took me for a spin as I struggled with really understanding what was real and what wasn’t. It made me question my meaning of life entirely and at the time I found it amount to nothing.
    Months passed with my relationships slowly crumbling away. I went into a depression where I would harm myself to not only ease the anxiety but to give me a sense of “I’m really here this isn’t a dream” which was the result of depersonalization. I honestly could say I hated life, I found no meaning in it, I hated humanity as a whole(I believe it was a worthless cause). My view was why become a doctor like everyone else in my family and help humanity? What is the point if everyone is going to die eventually? Why a help a race of cowards and awful people? Our lives aren’t even worth the air we breathe, so why try to help people that clearly don’t deserve it?

    Okay I know that is some messed up crap now. I had an event in my life that literally changed my perspective forever and now I don’t think entirely that way. I believe now that human lives are precious things that need to be protected. I learned to truly open my eyes to all of the good and bad things in this world. I let go of my selfishness/self centeredness and truly saw what suffering is. I truly learned the value of life, and that I need to be greatful for ever moment I receive. So I realized that my hate for humanity actually turned around to be an extreme love for it, so much so I want to dedicate my life to helping others as much as I possibly can. I will become a doctor and even in my free time I’ll do my best. But…

    Now here I am a few years later trying to be a doctor but all of these events still haunt me. I have truly gained enlightenment of the world around me, yet I am unable to move from the spot I am at. I thought I would’ve been over all of those events of the past yet I still feel the pain and scars that all of those events left me. MY question here really is: What do I do? I want to move on but I don’t know where to even start.

    Thanks to whoever just read that giant rant and I really hope that someone might be able to give me some advice. Thank you.

    #79874
    Jan T
    Participant

    Hi Karla, Have you tried speaking with any counselors at school or anyone else about this issue? Since you know you had depersonalization, it’s apparent that you spoke with someone.

    It would be helpful for you to find someone who can do something like EMDR for you. EMDR stands for “Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing.” It’s a very simple process that helps people deal with past trauma very effectively. It actually changes your brain to help you change the types of things you are dealing with. It’s also very quick.

    It is often used for post traumatic stress syndrome, but the reason for it is to deal with trauma, which you have in your past.

    You can find some practitioners here: http://comprehensivetherapyapproach.com/ If there is no one close to you, you can google it to find other sources.

    If you do this, it can help you very quickly and take years off of the time it would take you to solve this issue by talking it out or figuring out an approach on your own.

    I wish you much luck! I know you can have success healing in this way! I believe it is the most direct route.

    #79882
    anita
    Participant

    Dear midnightkill:

    I was touched by your story. I am familiar with dissociation and may had times of depersonalization in my past. I am in my fifth year of healing following my first serious psychotherapy in 2011- a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness. The therapy involved the teaching of skills, interpersonal and intrapersonal, psychoeducation. My therapist was “good enough”- hard working, gave me homework every session; provided me with a document with his diagnoses of me, objectives- all very professional- very unlike experiences I had in the past with psychotherapists. I do hope you look for and find a good enough therapist, a true professional who will greatly help you process your past and the strong emotions involved. No wonder you need help to heal from such traumas. Best wishes to you!
    anita

    #79889
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Karla,

    At the time, believe it or not, Depersonalization was actually a gift. A default survival setting of the brain. It’s like your Being said, “ENOUGH for this lifetime!” and shut down to protect you, or sent “You” out of your body.

    Now that you’re ready to become “You” or “go back into your body”, it is time to tell “You” that it’s SAFE now!

    Find a trained therapist in this, as this is beyond the forum’s ken.

    Since I am a little hippy-dippy about things like this I would tell my body and brain, “THANK YOU for doing your job and protecting me in the only way you could at the time”.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
    #79901
    ginkosan
    Participant

    Hi Karla,
    I know dealing with past is very difficult, because our mind is not ready to let it go that easily.
    But remember that any thought that arise in your mind is temporary, basically life time of any thought is less than fraction of second. If such unwanted thought about your past experience arise in your mind, just think that this thought is not going to live on forever at all, and it came just to displease you for just fraction of second. If we keep on reacting to the unpleasant experience, then we create a cycle of constant action and reaction. i.e. a thought arises,we react to it; when we react , another unpleasant experience arises which will be related to first thought; then we feel uncomfortable and again react to it; thus this sequence of action-reaction keep on going till we become demoralised and feel hopeless. Therefore, simply break the cycle, by not reacting to the thought related to past experience at any cost. Just look at your breath and come to present moment. Because past is past, it’s gone, it was just one nightmare, now you have present moment to cherish.

    Few years back you would not have never imagined that your hate for humanity would have turned into love some day. In the same way in next few years you will have changed in such a positive manner that you will be surprised that you used to think about all absurd thing in the past, when you have already wonderful present and future ahead of you.

    All the things and events in universe are constantly changing and impermanent. Similarly, all mental phenomenon are also impermanent, they simply arise and vanish, if you don’t react to it. Therefore, just look for today, you will become wonderful doctor, because you have already experienced sufferings in the past, hence you will do your best to alleviate sufferings of others, and for that you have to let go of your past.

    Take Care!

    PS: If possible take a course on mindfullness meditation or vipassana insight meditation, that will help you certainly in dealing with the psychological block that you’ve created inside your mind. Find out about them on internet, you will find loads of useful information and videos on them.

    #80165
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Karla,

    I agree with the other posters. You have had a difficult past, and you will need professional help to get through it. There are many avenues to healing, and you will eventually find one that is right for you. It is impossible to just “let go” of the past, because your subconscious mind forms patterns based on the past.

    Your mind’s job is to keep you safe–that’s all. 95% of thought is subconscious, and the subconscious mind looks at every situation, to see if there is a tie to a past perceived threat. If the mind detects even the tiniest threat, it sounds an “alert.” This alert is the fight-or-flight response, which can cause a person to experience increased heart rate and breathing, as well an tunnel vision, hearing, and understanding.

    Your mind is likely keeping the alarm pulled at all times! With the right therapy (for you!), you can learn to identify and redefine your triggers. It’s a long, often difficult process, but it is infinitely worth it. Trust me–I’ve been there!

    Bethany
    http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

    #80173
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Bethany:

    I like very much what you wrote, how condensed and bare-to-the bone you phrased it all.

    I am curious. When I see a post by you- I think: this is bethany doing her marketing, trying to make money. I wonder if this is ethical to do so here? How is it that there are not more people marketing their services on this website? I wonder how regulated or un-regulated this business of online therapy is? What about the life coaching business where the life coacher does not have any psychotherapy certification? I wonder if there are scary stories about damage such have caused online customers… I wonder what a psychotherapist like you think about life coaches? Do they take away from your business?

    I wonder how you can provide psychotherapy without seeing the client’s face- how do you keep going on a post to a client without checking the response as you go…? Is there a book of instructions for online psychotherapist? A class? A school of how to provide effective psychotherpay online? A black box of warnings? Pros and cons for the client to consider?

    And I wonder as I give my input to people… free of charge of course… I worry sometimes about readers who may not be fully aware that I am not a psychotherapist and consider what I write as more than what it is, my unprofessional input. Of course, just because someone is a professional (being officially certified) does not mean they are effective or responsible or…

    I am so curious in so many ways…???

    anita

    #80180
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    When I see stuff like that (like the spell-caster LOL) I hit “Report” in the upper right hand corner if it bothers me. Don’t debate or question. Just hit “Report”.

    Inky

    #80181
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Inky:

    So it is against the website rules/ standard ethics- I am not sure about it… Can you educate me about this… tell me more about marketing in a website like this?

    anita

    #80219
    Inky
    Participant

    So I just visit here everyday, like you do.

    What I have noticed is that obvious ads and “Go to my website” directives are a no-no. However, if someone asks for help and you say, “This website is great” that is allowed. The website as part of your signature is in that nebulous grey area. What we can do is “Report”. If everyone keeps doing that, it won’t be an issue. Now, I haven’t because I’ve noticed that such people tend to give up and go elsewhere when they see that no one is going to pay for their services when we can get that HERE for FREE. LOL.

    #80233
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Inky:

    Thanks for your response to me. If bethany does not answer my note to her, that would be clear indication to me that she is hiding something, like the fact that all she is trying to do here is market her services, give a sample of her online service and wait for a bite. If she answers me, well that will be interesting. Again, if she doesn’t answer me and I see her marketing efforts again, I will respond to her again with my new clear understanding of what she is doing, and understanding she helped solidify by lack of response.

    anita

    #80269
    Annie
    Participant

    I sure LOLed at spell caster. That became the key word I would look for when a post seemed suspicious. Haha

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