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I screwed up

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  • July 14, 2015 at 10:10 am #79844
    Peppermint
    Participant

    Hello,
    I want to tell you about last week. It wasn’t a big matter and most people will probably think “how old is she, that she can’t control her feelings? 5?” but I guess thats why I’m writing here.

    I have been helping out as a volunteer baking with kids once a week. An intern at the facility worked with me and allways bought the supplies if some things were not in stock. I’m rather good at baking but not so good with kids. Especially there are two girls who come irregulary who are pretty talkative and cheeky. Not bad kids at all, it’s just me who can’t deal with them. But they came last week which probably made things worse.
    So there were the kids, the intern who wanted to do “her” cake and me who had had a bad day already fighting with my mother, worrying about stuff and suffering from PMS. They started on the cake and I think I couldn’t take not beeing the center of attention. I hated intern girl for doing things different than how I would have done them, I hated everyone for not needing me (even though to be fair intern girl did ask for advice more than once) and I hated worrying about the girls and when they would make some stupid comments about me.
    Now if someone else had been standing in the room or even myself on another day, they would have seen and judged the situation wholly different, I’m sure. It was all in my head and even at the time some part of me knew it. But another part of me thought /”This sucks! Get out of here! Right now! You know you want to. Why waste your time here, they don’t need you. They don’t even like you or care if you are here.” “It’s inevitable that you leave. In the end you won’t be able to stand it. Why stay and just make things worse and worse? You can only screw up more if you stay…”/
    So, right in the middle of the baking session, I took my stuff and said “I think you don’t need me today.” in an angry tone and left.

    Now after I calmed down I of course can see that this was all in my head and that people probably were shocked to be left out of the blue. At the time I had no idea how to get out of this mood, though. Any ideas? Also frankly I don’t know if I can or even should go back there.

    (PS: sorry for the faults in this text, I’m not a native speaker)

    July 14, 2015 at 12:26 pm #79859
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Luise:

    How to get out of that mood… focus on something else- your neurons are firing their agitations when that happens. You abandon that area in your brain where those neurons are firing their agitating, disturbing juices and you FOCUS on sounds, or a sight or you close your eyes and touch something, focusing your attention on how it feels in your hand. If you do that, you de-activate the agitating area and activate a new area. You got a break from the agitation. You may get agitated again. Try it- it is a biological thing, nothing sci-fi, religious or magical, just neurology. deactivate the agitation area and activate another area.
    anita

    July 14, 2015 at 7:58 pm #79869
    Jan T
    Participant

    Hi Luise,

    Everyone says and does things they can’t take back and wish they hadn’t said or done them. It would be perfectly okay for you to go back and just tell them you were having PMS and had some other things on your mind that day, too. You can just make a joke about it. Chances are they won’t take it so seriously–and you can put it behind you, too (I know it’s bothering you now).

    If you are afraid they will reject you and you’re not ready for rejection, then maybe it’s not such a good idea if you are still feeling fragile. You could wait until you’re ready or just not go back. I encourage you to do something about the problem to help yourself feel better.

    It’s funny how we sometimes feel like people aren’t paying attention to us (and we do want the attention). Yet what we do instead of interacting is to play out thoughts in our head about what must be wrong with us and why aren’t they doing this or that…..and we get jealous, etc.

    I’ve been through the same thing and I’ve watched others do it, too. Being pretty quiet in groups myself, I learned it’s really my fault if people aren’t including me–because people tend to just interact with those who are talking. That’s just how it is. I’ve tested it, and all you have to do is say something to get into the conversation.

    Sometimes there are certain groups of people I just don’t feel comfortable with, so no matter what I do I can’t seem to get into the conversation. That’s okay, though. There are other people I feel totally comfortable with and find myself wishing everyone was like that. It’s inevitable that no matter who we are, we’re going to feel like we fit in more with one group than another. I’m sure the others you are talking about (the intern and the kids) find the same situation when they are with different groups. We’re all pretty much the same in that way.

    If I take more of an initiative to be involved when I’m feeling left out–to offer my opinions–peoples’ attention does come in my direction. It doesn’t take a lot. But it does take self-confidence.

    It’s really great that part of you (and it sounds like a big part) knew the thoughts were “all in your head.” It would be helpful for you to look inside and ask yourself why you had this particular dialog running. If you know the cause you can take steps to heal your wounds or bolster yourself to act differently in the future.

    For instance, do you have any feelings of insecurity at all? Are you shy? You can find a lot of information on how to deal with those thoughts. You just need to learn to value what is good about yourself and challenge the negative thoughts that aren’t true. We all have equal value in this difficult world we live in.

    You said you think the girls don’t like you and you said you’re not good with kids. Do you wish you were? If so, don’t be afraid…try out some things to see what works. Kids can sense when people are uncomfortable just as well as adults can. Maybe it’s not that they don’t like you…maybe they just feel uncomfortable and don’t know what to say. Or maybe they just don’t see what you have in common. For one thing, you have baking in common. If you have some flexibility, ask them what they’d like to learn to bake and then take steps to get them more involved in the process. If that doesn’t work, try something else.

    Try treating them just like another adult and see what happens. Kids love to be spoken to as adults.

    You could also do some searching on the Internet or get a book on how to get along with kids if you’re really interested.

    Learning new skills and overcoming this challenge could be a great experiment for you. If you don’t try to challenge yourself, the situation will more than likely arise again to give you another chance. Learning and growing is a lifelong thing. I think I’ll still be doing it if I reach 85!

    Why not be kind to yourself and try to put these uncomfortable, perplexing “in your head” imaginings in your past? You’ll feel great when you succeed!

    July 15, 2015 at 1:57 pm #79909
    Sann
    Participant

    Dear Peppermint,

    I think the 2 previous replies are very valuable and i probably couldn’t offer you better advice or feedback than them.
    Although i recognise your reaction of that moment, and indeed, like Jan T said, we all have had these moments where we said or done things that we wished we wouldn’t but can’t change it – it is human.

    What i would like to remark, after reading your post, is that you seem very hard on yourself about it.
    Already in your first line, you wrote:
    It wasn’t a big matter and most people will probably think “how old is she, that she can’t control her feelings? 5?”
    Even though you don’t know what any of us thinks, and you probably do that because you are afraid to be judged, so if you say it yourself, you don’t have the risk that others will judge you for it. But i feel that you are already putting yourself down for being a human and having emotions and reacting on it – you wished you didn’t, but you can’t expect yourself to be totally in control the whole time…
    Why i say this, because i think it will be harder to take it lightly and to go back if you are judgmental on yourself like that. Sorry i’m a bit tired at the moment, don’t know if it makes sense what i’m writing…

    You say that you don’t know if you ever can or should go back. Of course, only you can decide that. Is it valuable enough for you, do you feel up for it – like Jan T said, if you still feel very fragile and afraid about it, would it be too much for you.

    I don’t have an exact similar experience like yours, but i have quite a few memories where i was involved in a group or internship or things alike and it didn’t go so well, and i would start to lose my motivation, stay away or call in sick, not doing it so well anymore… Until i just didn’t have the courage anymore to show up and avoid them or stay away with some vague excuses. What i see now, years later, that was definitely not good for me. For years afterwards, i kept having dreams about it, and shame. It was for a long time very awkward to suddenly meet people from those situations – sometimes i would even try to pretend i didn’t see them. That was not nice and created more and more a kind of avoidance-pattern in me, made me lose control on things.
    Of course, that’s not to compared with you, for many reasons.
    And you are the one who decides if you go back and how you deal with it. I think the advice of Jan might be good – say something about it but take it lightly. Often people’s reactions are not so bad as we expect – of course you don’t know that in advance.
    I just wanted to show you my experience of not going back and avoiding – that can also have negative consequenses.

    I’d say, in the first place, give yourself a big hug, you’re only human, like all of us. We all react on our emotions sometimes. And do something nice for yourself – don’t know what kind of things you like doing. For myself i know that exercise would be the best way of getting myself out of such a mood, going for a good run or swim, a nice walk in nature… For other people watching a movie might help but i feel that just keeps me busy in my head and will keep me coming back to my thoughts about it.

    Did you have contact with any of them already – a text or phone call for example?

    I’d love to hear how you get on with it.
    Good luck.

    July 20, 2015 at 9:28 pm #80160
    Bethany Rosselit
    Participant

    Hi Louise,

    First, stop judging yourself. The purpose of the past is to grow and learn from it, and if a person beats themself up over it, then that can’t happen.

    You need to look at WHY the things upset you that did. If you are angry, then you are experiencing fear. And if you are experiencing fear, you are misunderstanding yourself. Why did it upset you that your intern wanted to do her recipe? Is it possible that you are seeing her at a threat? Whatever answer you have is okay.

    What do you mean when you say you don’t do well with kids? How do you fear being judged?

    When you can look at the misunderstandings you have, you can begin to redefine them.

    Bethany
    http://onlinetherapyandcoaching.org

    October 4, 2015 at 1:03 pm #84687
    Peppermint
    Participant

    Hello everyone, thank you very much for your answers. It really helped me to deal with this situation (instead of just hiding under a stone and never going back there again.)
    What happened so far: my supervisor at the place wrote me an email asking what happened and if I still wanted to come. I wrote back and apologized for my behavior. I also tried to call interngirl, but it probably was too little, too late and she didn’t answer. So I apologized via textmessage. We had a long summer break and a new volunteer will work alongside with me once we start again. I decided to give this another try. The only ones I haven’t talked to yet are the kids who were there that day. I think the adult thing to do would be to talk to them, too, but that might get really awkward. I come from a family with a long history of “just pretending it never happend” when it comes to wrong behavior, so actually apologizing is really difficult for me.

    Anita, I will try your suggestion next time, thank you. It sounds simple but effective.

    Jan T, you are right, I probably need to involve myself more to feel involved. I can be shy at times and sometimes it can be overwhelming. As for how to treat the kids, it’s daunting because I couldn’t even deal with them when I was a kid myself. Now I’m older, maybe wiser, but not sure if I can keep up with them. Maybe I should get a book on the topic, as you suggested.

    Sann, no worries, your post made perfect sense even if you were tired. I too have followed those avoidance patterns, so what you wrote encouraged me to try again as good as I can and maybe learn something from the experience, too.

    Bethany, I’m not sure if I saw the intern as a thread. Rather I was really frustrated that she didn’t (magically) understand that I really wanted to do my cake and not her boring chocolate cake.
    When I say I don’t deal well with children I guess I mean that I’m not very funny or interesting. I’m afraid the kids just won’t come anymore because I don’t do a good job. I also think that kids are smart and will quickly know when you are saying stupid stuff and call you out on it. And I for one have a history of saying stupid stuff in the heat of the moment.

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