Anita

I think you are right. I was just dismissed as being too sensitive or just immature but it’s taken me until now to realise that the way I react to things and feel things are just as they are. I don’t need validation or approval from anybody but myself.

I attribute the tiger to my own stubbornness sometimes, especially when people are trying to tell me what I should and shouldn’t do. I don’t like people reminding me or pointing out my flaws or limitations – somebody I know and trust recently called me and we had a conversation where he told me why I shouldn’t pursue a particular course of action. I was upset and felt attacked when he was telling me this – I know he had my best interests at heart and I didn’t want to be reminded of my limitations. Sometimes I still find myself getting angry about this conversation even though it happened a month ago – how dare he point out my flaws and limitations? How dare he be so judgemental? How dare he scrutinize I’m aware of my own flaws and shortcomings but I don’t need to be reminded or told by other people because I have my pride. Tigers, like peacocks are proud creatures as well.

But beyond all of this anger and defensiveness about my wounded pride, there was a valid message beneath it all – having to face up to reality. It’s a brutal sobering experience, having to wake up and face reality when I spent the past few months entertaining an extremely foolish course of action – I was planning to run away to teach English in China.

I planned everything – I’d leave without saying goodbye and it would be the start of my brand new life and my career. I felt I had to take this because that’s what life is about, taking opportunities and raising the bar. I had my heart set on it for a few years. I first started reading articles on Tiny Buddha in late 2013/early 2014, right after the horrific year dealing with de-personalization and de-realisation. Articles and stories from people who just ‘went with the flow’ and went travelling and just said ‘f**k it I’m going to take this opportunity, screw the consequences’. At least, that was the vibe that I got.

I thought to myself – “I really want to do that! To prove it to myself that I can do it. To escape from my problems.” Around that time I had gotten accepted onto that graphic design internship in Spain. Nothing like that had ever happened to me before. I wasn’t the kind of person who got accepted onto great opportunities or winning competitions or anything like that. It raised the bar for me and made me want to dream big. Dream unrealistic. I wanted to believe that because things in my life were less than ideal and things never went according to plan for me, it must all be a sign that I was destined for better things. I was so incredibly up my own arse.

But I realise how incredibly foolish and reckless that could have been – the flights were provided by the learning institutions but I had no way of returning home if things didn’t go according to plan. I didn’t consider everything, I was just too focused on running away and starting a new life.

China is off the cards for the foreseeable future, as much as I didn’t want to admit it. I’m not doing great with any of my freelance work. Realising this and facing up to what is – it seems dreadful at first and I wanted to avoid that dreadful feeling but it is as it is. Addressing my pride has compelled me to take action.

It’s perhaps made me realise that making such a reckless impulsive decision, making bad decisions in general and not being careful with my finances might be a sign of bipolar or borderline personality disorder. I know I should seek further help about this but I need to swallow my pride first. Writing my experiences of 2012/2013 was my way of reminding me that I got through that rough patch in my life, I can get through this next one.

Tigers are fiery, proud, wild and formidable but part of me thinks I’d rather be a tiger than be the timid rabbit I thought was leading me down into the rabbit hole in 2012/2013.

What do you think?

Joe

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Joe.

Anita

Thankyou for your reply. I love writing, I don’t really do as much writing as I should but I want to. And you know that I am always interested in reading your thoughts.

As for the drawings – I think looking back, I didn’t really know what I was doing and I had no direction with my work, I was trying to make a lot of fantasy illustrations inspired by nature and Celtic myths but I think I was too heavily influenced by the work of other illustrators. Their work afforded me a glimpse into their imagination, their world and I wanted to be immersed in it. They were painting their truth, things that were true to them but I was just too heavily influenced. I wasn’t outright copying their work, I just hoped it would lead to me finding my own story to paint. I didn’t know what I really wanted to paint back then.

Lately I’ve been making more of an effort to illustrate people taking action, or getting ready to bite back. I want to paint perfectly flawed, perfectly ugly, perfectly damaged characters who aren’t afraid of diving deep and unearthing more ugliness, and exposing the sinister inner ugliness of the so-called “shiny happy people”. I want to paint imperfect characters as a way of sticking their fingers up to the notion that we have to always project an image of being happy and subscribing to another persons notion of perfection. I’m perfectly imperfect with my flaws, inner and outer ugliness.

I’ve painted a lot of tigers in the past few weeks or so and I feel fearless, as if by painting tigers I can assimilate the characteristics of the tiger into my own psyche. Have you ever read the poem by William Blake?

I’ve painted owls. Owls are creatures of the night, and the general consensus is that they are wise creatures. Omnipresent. Seeing in the dark, seeing things as they are. Not being scared of the dark. I feel wiser from painting and drawing owls.

I’ve also painted peacocks. Why peacocks? I’ve just always been fascinated by them, and the eye patterns on their elaborate tails. Eyes keeping a watch out. Eyes looking out for danger. Threats. Maybe the eyes are from the perceptions of other people, analysing and scrutinising. Peacocks are proud creatures, always controlled in the way they carry themselves. Pride is something I have thought a lot about over the past few weeks. Too proud to admit my flaws to other people, too proud to admit I need help sometimes and that I’m struggling. I won’t ever stop illustrating and creating art but pursuing it as a full-time job has to take a back seat at the moment because I’m not earning enough money and I was too proud to admit it.

On the subject of eyes, I wanted to share with you a song by the Cocteau Twins, one of my favourite music groups – one lyric has significance for me in this song – “I see me as other people see me.” – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yapze5PaFs

First rabbits, now tigers, owls and peacocks…I’m almost tempted to claim that those are my spirit animals!

I will start writing more. I need to get back into journalling, I used to love writing this stream of consciousness kind of stuff.

Joe

@Anita, @Matty

I was offered the job but I turned it down – something about it seemed too good to be true. I was literally offered the job immediately after the interview via e-mail and sent me a contract with my name already on it – I was under the impression that it would have taken a lot longer for them to decide whether to offer me the job or not, and that it would be an executive decision and not just solely the decision of the person who interviewed me. They did promise things like the flight there, paid training, first month bonus – that’s what it said on the e-mail but not what it said on the contract. I went with my gut and something didn’t feel right – I couldn’t help but think of the bad reviews. Again, my main concern would have been having the means to fly back home should I need to.

I’m not disappointed, I’m not going to miss what was never mine in the first place. I could have just dived head first into this and really got myself into a trap. Maybe I was being too cautious and maybe it could have ended up being a great experience – who knows? I don’t think I was as ready for this as I thought I was.

There’s still the possibility of me getting a different teaching job in China through my alma mater – I had gone back to the careers office a few months ago and he said he’s still trying to work on finding me a placement. At least then I’d be secure in the knowledge that I’d have the support from the university and that I’d be going with a fellow student from my uni.

But if that doesn’t work out either, there will still be other opportunities.

Thanks again for your support, it means a lot

Joe

Anita

I have heard great things about that film but I am ashamed to admit I haven’t seen it yet. I will look out for it.

The interview went well and the recruiter seems to think I have the qualities needed for the job, and insistent that the visa is arranged before arrival (and not after) but I am still getting mixed feelings about this so I think it’s for the best. I will look for somewhere closer. No host families.

Thankyou Anita

Joe

@Anita

Sure – would you like me to analyse from what you have posted from my first post, or are you going to analyse, or…?

@Matty

Thankyou so much for this, this is extremely helpful. I intend to ask lots of questions at the interview and I intend to ask the same questions to the TEFL company here in England as well to cross-reference.

I think my main fears about this (if I were to be accepted) would be not having the means to get out of there should things go pear-shaped (they said they would pay for the flight there, I need to find out if this is just for the flight there or the return flight as well), not having the right visa or having to relinquish my passport. If they ask for my passport and I refuse, what if they make a big deal about it? I would be happy to send them a scan of the passport beforehand and give them a photocopy, but like I said, having my passport taken would be quite scary.

I did read a positive review from somebody who was employed by the school but because they are effectively a franchise of schools, they have schools in different cities all across China and he got to choose the location, so if I am offered the choice I will ask if it would be possible for me to be located in the same place the blog writer was. Do you think the fact that they have schools all over China as part of a chain adds credibility to this? I know I sound ridiculous for asking all of these questions but it’s better to be safe than sorry I guess!

Thanks again

Joe

• This reply was modified 7 years, 9 months ago by Joe.

Anita

I’m always interested to read your input. Fire away!

Joe