Dearest Anita,
Thank you for your welcome xx I have gone back and read the entries on the forum as well and I’m glad I did , for me it’s like a lesson in helping me to examine myself a bit more .
As for the psychotherapy, I had to stop for these past few weeks as it got a bit expensive but I am due to start again in a week and I am really looking forward to it. I have learned from the few sessions I have had is how much my childhood has impacted on my life , it has opened my eyes to my own behaviours and in some situations how much they mirror those of my mother and my father . And you too Anita, you help me see that as well . It was really food for thought .
I used to think of myself as a smart and capable individual who would run or stand up to any form of abuse in any relationship, and it does surprise me that I have endured it so long. Your last paragraph does make sense, and it makes me wonder when did I become desperate to be loved ?
Thanks again Anita ,
Peace and love
k8tyB

Dear Anita,
I apologise for taking so long to reply ,it’s been a hectic weekend.
When my ex dumped the guilt on me, I used to think I needed to try harder to make this person happy because obviously I wasn’t doing enough as he was still unhappy and pointing it out. I used to feel as if I wasn’t doing the ” right ” thing, but I soon came to realise there was no ” right ” things because nothing pleased or satisfied him unless I was totally submissive or agreeable , as in agreed to whatever he was saying and say I’d make it up or do better . Then the bar would move if I thought things were improving, and it would be something else week after week . This was the pattern. It all felt very unstable and confusing and I got fed up .
He is still trying to contact me and I answered the phone yesterday thinking I was getting an overseas call but it was him and I wasn’t interested in anything he says. I am eating again and I do feel so much better than I have been for months, I am also sleeping again , I almost feel like myself, it’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and the clouds are moving away. I like this feeling.
A bit more about my mum…. She never seemed satisfied about anything, she complained about everything and told me I was like my dad most of the time . My dad was a womanising alcoholic , I never knew what she meant by that and I still don’t to be honest. I haven’t thought about it in years. She never actually ever TALKED to us about anything , everything would be in an accusatory tone or a quarrel She told us never to have kids that they ruin your life. She used to say the only reason she got so many children was because she was trying to feed me and my siblings. As I got older I kind of figured out what that meant .
No, I cant’t accept what he is offering and I can’t accept that if I remained with this man , my child would think this is normal and acceptable behaviour when it’s not. it’s toxic and nothing good grows in a toxic environment ( as far as I know ) .
I don’t need to be the good child , I need to be good to me , kinder I think …
Thank you Anita for sharing and for your support, I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Peace and Love
k8tyB

Hello Nan and Anita,I love your words, your insight and words of wisdom and support, I am also grateful for your time, thank you
Nan, your “Lawd have mercy, girl!” made me laugh out loud for the first time in weeks, thank you so much for that and for your kind support. I did go back and read that first post, thank you that was a great suggestion and do know that I have made the best decision for me and my family.
Dearest Anita,I can relate to your experience fully because it was very similar to the relationship I had with my mother as a child . She said that my siblings and I were the reason that her life was so miserable and often threatened to put us into care, first it was for our own good because she couldn’t feed us and then it was because she didn’t want us. I used to believe she would do it, leave us, and I used to also believe it was our fault that she was so unhappy.
No Anita, it wasn’t your fault , you were not guilty, you were not responsible for her being the way she was. I cry as I type this as I can see the similarities between the relationship that has just ended and the one that I had with my mother . Anita you have opened something in me and I can not describe it to you now except I feel the need to bawl my eyes out .
love to you all,
k8tyB

Hi Nan and Jane thank you for taking the time out to replies, you’re right I have been warned and I do intend to keep heeding that warning it just felt so awful today then my son came home from school and hugged me, we sat infront the fire and it was so nice , little reminders that I have indeed done the right thing.
He came back an hour before the school run and told me he loved me and offered me the ring and key back, I said no I can’t take them as there are too many issues that would need to be sorted out if there was even the possibility of us moving forward. He went off again, telling me he came to my house and opened himself up to me and I rejected him and his offerings and he was just doing something positive and I have turned it into a negative. I just looked at him and thought , you’ll never change , you don’t deserve me , you are horrid. Here the monster reveals himself ….He said he spoke to his ex-wife to ask her what kind of husband he as when they lived together and she told him he was a good man and he needed to hear that . I said isn’t it funny you’re such a good man and she moved countries to get away from you , Goodbye. He left and not in a good mood , well that’s nothing new lol, he’s always in a sour mood when things don’t go his way .
Just received today’s email from Tin yBuddah, it’s so perfect for today, Thank you x

Hi Nan, I too am sorry that you are going through the situation that you are . I started reading a book called “Fear , wisdom for getting through the storm ” by a buddhist monk and I have found it really helpful.
Thankfully, we don’t live together, he always spoke of moving in together but I wasn’t ready somehow, maybe instinct. I am fortuante to own my home albeit jointly with my ex which he often said I should sell so that I wouldnt be under my ex’s auspices lol . I am so glad that I never went through with it as my first thought was , this is my son’s home and didn’t want to make any rash decisions especially when his behaviour began to escalate. He also talked about having kids , I will be eternally grateful that I didnt come off my birth control like thought I should.
Yes I did all I could for the relationship because it was important to me , but nothing is more important that our (my son as well ) mental, emotional and physical wellbeing, like Anita has said things happen and they can last a life time.
One of his last texts were to ask back for his ring and key, I told him that they will be next day delivery in the registered post, he said well if you want to live your life like that . I was so proud of myself because I knew he wanted a completely different reaction, probably hoping I’d say I wanted to meet ,that was the end of that . Control tactics , to which I am becoming more and more aware and to which I will never submit.
Anita, thank you for your post, it bought tears to my eyes, it meant so much to me . I protected my baby,I took care of him, I did ok 🙂
Nan, thank you for your post and well wishes , having you and anita, jane and others on here , you have all bought me such comfort and wisdom . I cannot beging to express my gratitude and appreciation for you all, taking the time out to extend your love and help towards a complete stranger. THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH .
Peace and Love to you all,
k8tyB xx

Dear Anita,
This time there will be no relief for him , no submission , he will have to look elsewhere for his “fix” , I will not be accepting his punishment, it’s well and truly over. I hear what you are saying when you say ” the obscentiy of this kind of interaction” …because that is exactly what it is, obscene and sick . I told my therapist today that it’s as if he has a whip and has beating me with it over and over again and more and more often these past few months.
Yes, I do have to put a stop to it, he won’t be finiding any relief here , there has been no more texts today , I didn’t answer the last ones he sent . My regret is that I didn’t put a stop to this madness sooner, that I allowed it to carry on as long as I did. I am happy though that it is over and I did not present him with another victim, namely my child.
He can keep his “Love ” and give it to someone who enjoys wallowing and existing in the toxicity of it .
k8tyB

Dear Anita, Thank you for your insight and your words of wisdom they are a real comfort to me and they ring so very true . Yes perhaps I did feel like I needed to be punished.He was always telling me how patient he was with me talking about my ex and how no man would tolerate it and how bad it made him feel that I did it , there always seem to be something he tried to make me feel guilty about, Like I turn up late or I didnt get around to doing something he thought I should do in the time that he thoughtI should do it in which is usually immediately, I see that now.
No he didnt love me and I too used to think that he somehow got pleasure from conflict as it was after an argument that he would be most loving especially when I have agreed to something he has said and apologised even though he started it. He said I like arguing, I know that was him projecting as most of the so called issues were not issues but small things that could be sorted out with a normal conversation but he went for the drama and I’d either have to defend my self , apologise or agree.
I once told him that I am not responsible for the pain that he has been feeling all his life , maybe his taking it out on me really was him releiving himself .
Today I feel a sense of relief knowing that this weekend ( I know it’s early in the week 🙂 I can spend the weekend not wondering what his mood will be like on the day. Will plans made still be upheld? Will I have to duck and dodge accusations, will I have to breathe a sigh of relief going to bed at the end of the night if hes still in a good mood.
I woke up this morning to a barrage of texts and accusations, I wasnt kind, I hurt people that love me and he doesnt know whats wrong with me , I am volatile, I twist his interaction with the random woman and it was a nice experience til he mentioned it to me, I didnt invite him over to my house often enough, he would have been happy if I did things out the blue, stop referring to my ex and he felt alone in the relationship . The more he talks the more he opens my eyes to who he really is the better I feel about making the decision I did. I know some days I will remember the good times and I will feel pretty rotten and when those days come I will turn to Tiny buddah and my fellow posters for words of wisdom and comfort. One of the articles that is my favourite is Letting Go of Toxic Relationships when youre still in love ( or something along those lines) 🙂
Thank you very much .x
k8tyB