February 22, 2016 at 11:12 am #96783
He can keep his “love”… I like that! And that you did not present him with another victim, your child, is your greatest accomplishment here and I am so… appreciative of you for that! What an accomplishment, I am so glad for you and for your child!
anitaFebruary 22, 2016 at 11:23 am #96785
Another choice is to not read his texts anymore. You know what he is going to say, so you can control what you decide to read or not read. Good luck to you! The right person will be coming, believe it! Peace and real love to you!February 22, 2016 at 2:15 pm #96809JaneParticipant
Hey k8tyB, Im sorry for what your going through. I know it sucks and it hurts. I totally relate. Your situation sounds very familiar to what I’m currently dealing with but with less communication from my guy (I dont know which is worse!) I’m happy to hear thought that your will to leave is clear. Just remind yourself when the days are hard. Your ex if obviously jealous and insecure and needs to sort his issues on his own if he is to be a better person to you or someone else. It sounds like and I believe that you’ve done all you can but sometimes all you can do now is to just walk away from someone that doesn’t appreciate or is willing to change themselves for the sake of the relationship. All the thigns that you already know Im sure. His nasty texts are just to get a reaction so perhaps like Nan, says jsut delete or block him. They only cause stress. Did you two live together?February 22, 2016 at 10:05 pm #96861
Hi Nan, I too am sorry that you are going through the situation that you are . I started reading a book called “Fear , wisdom for getting through the storm ” by a buddhist monk and I have found it really helpful.
Thankfully, we don’t live together, he always spoke of moving in together but I wasn’t ready somehow, maybe instinct. I am fortuante to own my home albeit jointly with my ex which he often said I should sell so that I wouldnt be under my ex’s auspices lol . I am so glad that I never went through with it as my first thought was , this is my son’s home and didn’t want to make any rash decisions especially when his behaviour began to escalate. He also talked about having kids , I will be eternally grateful that I didnt come off my birth control like thought I should.
Yes I did all I could for the relationship because it was important to me , but nothing is more important that our (my son as well ) mental, emotional and physical wellbeing, like Anita has said things happen and they can last a life time.
One of his last texts were to ask back for his ring and key, I told him that they will be next day delivery in the registered post, he said well if you want to live your life like that . I was so proud of myself because I knew he wanted a completely different reaction, probably hoping I’d say I wanted to meet ,that was the end of that . Control tactics , to which I am becoming more and more aware and to which I will never submit.
Anita, thank you for your post, it bought tears to my eyes, it meant so much to me . I protected my baby,I took care of him, I did ok 🙂
Nan, thank you for your post and well wishes , having you and anita, jane and others on here , you have all bought me such comfort and wisdom . I cannot beging to express my gratitude and appreciation for you all, taking the time out to extend your love and help towards a complete stranger. THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH .
Peace and Love to you all,
k8tyB xxFebruary 23, 2016 at 5:50 am #96883
So he just bought my things areound, I am in so much pain , why did I have to love this man so much ? What a horrid feeling , feels like ive got pain from my throat all the way through to my legs. We spoke briefly, is it normal to think that maybe I made a mistake ? he looked like the man that I fell in love with , not the monster.
I don’t feel so strong today after seeing him, I wish it didn’t hurt so much .Even after speaking it’s clear that he doesn’t recognise what I have been saying all this time. I wish I hadn’t bothered , I shouldn’t have .February 23, 2016 at 8:14 am #96888
Eve trusted the snake since he was such a smooth talker. She lost Paradise, even though she was warned.February 23, 2016 at 9:10 am #96893JaneParticipant
Im so sorry, I know the feeling. Every cell in your body aches. Emotions will fluctuate like waves. You are strong though its just seeing him just set you back a little bit but you will get back to center. You did NOT make a mistake. He doesn’t sound like a nice person and I think you still are making the right decision. Hard as it is. Im going through the same thing at the moment so your not alone if that helps. Be strong and know your value.February 23, 2016 at 10:31 am #96901
Hi Nan and Jane thank you for taking the time out to replies, you’re right I have been warned and I do intend to keep heeding that warning it just felt so awful today then my son came home from school and hugged me, we sat infront the fire and it was so nice , little reminders that I have indeed done the right thing.
He came back an hour before the school run and told me he loved me and offered me the ring and key back, I said no I can’t take them as there are too many issues that would need to be sorted out if there was even the possibility of us moving forward. He went off again, telling me he came to my house and opened himself up to me and I rejected him and his offerings and he was just doing something positive and I have turned it into a negative. I just looked at him and thought , you’ll never change , you don’t deserve me , you are horrid. Here the monster reveals himself ….He said he spoke to his ex-wife to ask her what kind of husband he as when they lived together and she told him he was a good man and he needed to hear that . I said isn’t it funny you’re such a good man and she moved countries to get away from you , Goodbye. He left and not in a good mood , well that’s nothing new lol, he’s always in a sour mood when things don’t go his way .
Just received today’s email from Tin yBuddah, it’s so perfect for today, Thank you xFebruary 23, 2016 at 10:43 am #96903
The more time you spend with him, the more of the same you get. He is quite consistent. Make it the Goodbye it needs to me..!
anitaFebruary 25, 2016 at 9:18 am #97201
This morning I got up feeling pretty positive even though I didn’t sleep well, but as the day went on I had he increasing feeling of guilt? When I got up this morning there were two voice mail messages and emails even though I tried to block them, I need someone tech savvy :/
I haven’t listened to any of the messages or read any of the emails as he has been calling me since tuesday from a different number after I blocked his mobile number . I did listen to one message yesterday and he claimed he was checking up on me to make sure I was ok and he hoped to hear from me yesterday . He said he was shocked that I didn’t accept the ring or key back and he felt incredibly rejected . I havent listened to any more .
I guess I feel guilty because it feels as if I am being rude and unfair by not responding , I don’t know it’s just confusing It’s funny because writing this now it’s the way he used to try to make me feel for every little mistake, guilty hmmm… I need to look at this a bit more in myself I think.
This is the only way ( Blocking every avenue to me ) that I know how to get off this toxic merry go round in order to protect myself . Ive decided to start throwing things out that reminds me of him and think of it as a kind of cleansing . If any one has any other suggestions to help me help myself , I would really appreciate it.Thanking you all in advance.
k8tyB xFebruary 25, 2016 at 10:16 am #97208
I have personal experience about feeling guilty in a relationship and I would like to ask for your input. It is in the past now, for me, but has been ongoing for decades:
When I was a child, all through my childhood and into my adulthood, my mother made me feel very guilty. She told me I was the reason she was so miserable and that she was going to kill herself because of how miserable I made her. She told me those things in long, histrionic and very convincing manner, crying and wailing for hours at a time. And I felt guilty.
Was I guilty? Was I the reason she wanted to kill herself?
She said so. I believed her. And I felt guilty. Was I guilty?
anitaFebruary 25, 2016 at 10:47 am #97214
Go back to your very first post.
“I would only have to say something he doesn’t like and he wouldn’t talk to me for two or three days, ignoring my texts or calls. I tried to explain to him how this makes me feel……..”.
And you are worried about appearing rude? A taste of his own medicine? As they say here in the south “Lawd have mercy, girl!” Don’t forget what he has done to you in the past. Read that first post again, and feel that you are doing the right thing. A leopard doesn’t change his spots that easily……………February 26, 2016 at 1:10 am #97303
Hello Nan and Anita,I love your words, your insight and words of wisdom and support, I am also grateful for your time, thank you
Nan, your “Lawd have mercy, girl!” made me laugh out loud for the first time in weeks, thank you so much for that and for your kind support. I did go back and read that first post, thank you that was a great suggestion and do know that I have made the best decision for me and my family.
Dearest Anita,I can relate to your experience fully because it was very similar to the relationship I had with my mother as a child . She said that my siblings and I were the reason that her life was so miserable and often threatened to put us into care, first it was for our own good because she couldn’t feed us and then it was because she didn’t want us. I used to believe she would do it, leave us, and I used to also believe it was our fault that she was so unhappy.
No Anita, it wasn’t your fault , you were not guilty, you were not responsible for her being the way she was. I cry as I type this as I can see the similarities between the relationship that has just ended and the one that I had with my mother . Anita you have opened something in me and I can not describe it to you now except I feel the need to bawl my eyes out .
love to you all,
k8tyBFebruary 26, 2016 at 7:39 am #97323
Your empathy for me following my share is very meaningful to me. I don’t like to share such things as I did. It makes me feel vulnerable, afraid of being invalidated, dismissed following the sharing of such a personal, painful experience. So your reaction is most meaningful to me and I feel validated. That is a relief for me.
So you see… it is very possible to believe you are guilty and feel guilty when you are not at all guilty.
As children we believe what we are told. And then we are inclined to take the fault for anyone and anything in life. As in relationship with that man: what a fit: he blames you and you take the blame… or you take the blame and he blames you. Both are wrong.
It is our job to examine every situation and figure out: is my guilt feeling based on reality in this particular situation or is it based on that core belief from childhood, that I was guilty for what I was NOT guilty?
You and i can not trust that feeling of guilt to tell us that we did something wrong. We have to be suspicious of the false core belief from childhood imposing itself on current reality. And we need to stay away from the people who, like vampires, feed on our false belief of being guilty.
Please do share with me, if you’d like, if it can help you, more about your relationship with your mother, anything at all.
It will take time to change that core belief and it is possible. Not easy or fast, but possible!
anitaFebruary 27, 2016 at 3:52 am #97382
Hey , I got an email last night saying he was on his way over to me , that he was worried about me , rubbish!! I got in my car and went over to a friend’s house for a couple hours. I am glad I read at least that email it was titled NOW, because I would have been in the house when he arrived and I didn’t want to cause a scene, and not with my son at home too . That’s really made me angry because there has been a few times when we have had a disagreement and I have attempted to sort it out that he’s told me not to come to his house uninvited, now he thinks he can show up at my door!!! I want to tell him not to come to my house and to leave me alone but I know that he is waiting for that, the communication and I want to give him nothing . But what do I do ?
On another note…….
Dearest Anita, Thank you so much for sharing,I want you to know that I really appreciate it especially reading how difficult you have found it to do so . If you were close by I would hug you til you squeaked 🙂 but as your’re not I am sending my love to you via the universe and hope that where ever you are it reaches you and you received it with the warmth and sincerity as intended.
My mother was a very hard working unhappy woman, she usually worked two jobs to keep us clothed and fed and came home miserable and quarrelled with us from morning til night sometimes waking us up to chastise us about some thing or another . I was a very, very poorly child and could say I was the runt of the litter ( Five of us ). I’d often be sick and in and out of hospital and my mum was the only one that took care of me so I was very attached to her , Even up to the age of twelve I can remember crying when she left to go to the supermarket, probably from the fear of being abandoned ? I can’t really remember her telling any of us that she loved us , not until about five years ago or so . My siblings used to say I was her favourite but it certainly didn’t feel like it , I think she spent the most time with me because of how poorly I used to be . I grew up wanting to be the ” good child ” , I didn’t rebel so to speak , I didn’t want to cause trouble and upset her in any way .
Will post again later, I have to go . Thank you for listening .
Peace and Love,