But my mother said I was like that as an infant… she said as an infant I didn’t like to be held, and if I was being held she always had to face me outwards so I could see things.  Could I have already developed some type of fearful behavior at such a young age?

It’s hard to put in to words. I just feel as though I’m not fully… using myself. Which is not the best way to put it. Complacency is a scary thing for me, and right now I think I am complacent. I fear normalcy.

I have accepted the job offer in the new city.  It scares me but I think that is good.  I have become complacent here and I need to move on.

I do have one final question – should I hold off on getting therapy until I’ve figured out if I’m moving or not? Currently the process I have to go through is receive a walk-in evaluation before being able to schedule appointments with a therapist, and I personally don’t see the point in that if I’m moving in a few weeks.

Thank you!

I really don’t know. I guess on some level I feel they are disappointed in me. I am unmarried, childless; I live a very different lifestyle.  They are quite affluent and don’t understand that I struggle to make ends meet despite being highly educated and having a good job.  We’re just on two different worlds.

I think my struggle with this relationship ending is compounded by the fact that I really, really hate where I live, and I am envious that my ex got out. I envy that he’s probably happier now, and I’m still stuck here. I currently have a job offer on the table in a city that I have wanted to live in for the last 6 years, but I want to make sure I accept the job because I want it, and not because I’m running away from my problems here.

I guess I feel it is cold because my parents have done nothing to warrant my apathy towards them. My mother did make a comment to me recently when I was trying to figure out what to do with my dog during a business trip. She said “This is what happens when single working people have pets,” and that cut me to the core, particularly because she was well aware that my ex and I had just separated.

Since then I have been respectful but curt with her. She doesn’t understand why and I don’t desire to discuss it with her. In many ways I realize I’m behaving just as my ex did when I told him I thought he needed therapy. We were disturbingly similar – perhaps that is why things got so messy.

I genuinely don’t recall having a bad childhood. We went on vacations, did family things… I’ve just never been able to connect with my parents on an emotional level. Our relationship is quite superficial. Really… I don’t connect with anyone on an emotional level, except for my ex. That loss is profound for me.

I do not doubt I was difficult.  I was an angry person.  My father and I constantly fought.  My parents have been nothing but supportive of my life choices, but, and I realize this is cold, I care very little if they’re part of my life anymore.  I live a very different life than them and my brother, and I have difficulty relating to them or enjoying myself around them anymore.

I have been aware for many years that my persona is not “healthy,” that I do not live life “normally.” I am a transient – I can only live in one place for a couple of years before needing to move on.  I meet people, make friends, relationships, but once I leave, I generally leave those people behind and never think of them again.  I am currently considering a cross-country move.  It is time for me to leave again.

It is only in the last 2 years or so that I have actually begun to desire a romantic relationship with another person.  In the past I have not cared.  My ex was the first person since my cousin (who died a few years ago) that I was able to truly reveal myself to.  Everyone else in my life sees a facade.  I convinced myself that I loved my ex, but now that I am away from him, I question that as well.  I’m not sure I know what love feels like.   I think I desire it though.

Anyhow, these are all issues for a therapist, but I admit, it’s really freeing to say all these things out loud.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Carla.

I can believe that he occasionally felt guilted into staying with me.  There were times where I felt as though I remained with him out of a sense of obligation, as I was concerned about his mental well being. I did try to leave him once, but he showed up at my doorstep a week later and we resumed our dance.

My ex’s father was extraordinarily hard on him. He expected – demanded – perfection and would constantly judge and criticize him. Things his father said to him YEARS ago he would tell me about and admit they they still irritate and hurt him to this day.

His father, to me, sounded as though he suffered from depression. My ex said shortly before his father’s death he told him that his children were grown, he was retired, and he felt as though he really had no more purpose left to his life.  His marriage was on the rocks… he was not living with his wife at the time.  My ex was present at the time of the homicide/suicide, although he was outside of the house with the police so he didn’t personally witness it.  This occurred 6 years ago when he was 25.

He said he very seriously considered suicide after the death of his parents but sought out some therapy and tried to deal with it. He constantly said to me “I hate using the death of my parents as an excuse for my behavior, but..” and then would go on to justify whatever he’d done using the pain of his parents’ death as a reason. I never blamed him for that – I always said I understood that the loss of his parents is something that will always affect him. However, my ex never personally accepted responsibility for really any of the major issues in his life. It was always the fault of someone else.

Anyhow… I’m trying to put him behind me. I do not think we will ever communicate with each other again, which is probably for the best.  Part of me was attracted to him BECAUSE he was so unstable… I wanted to help him, to fix him. The darkness in him was alluring.  I know all of this is unhealthy and I will be seeking therapy to help understand why I am that way.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 1 month ago by Carla.