fbpx
Menu

A fight- do they work?

HomeForumsRelationshipsA fight- do they work?

New Reply
Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 48 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #177053
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Heartbrokengurl,

    I just now read through this thread and see that Anita and Eliana are giving you such thoughtful and excellent advice, as they always do. I understand that today is Day 3 of your of not hearing from him and that you are feeling frustrated and disappointed and had a panic attack last night. In my opinion, Anita really hit in the nail on the head when she wrote, “This is an opportunity for you to endure that anxiety, of not knowing where you are with him, because if it comes to it that he tells you what you want to hear, you will still need to deal with the anxiety of losing that place.” I personally do not think it’s a good idea for you to contact him, as difficult as that may be for you. Continue resisting the need to reach out to him to ask him what he meant, as you already said that you know this is the right thing to do. He knows where you stand, and he told you that he’s not ready. As confusing as your meeting with him last Sunday must be for you, he didn’t say the two  important words I think you’re hoping for: “I’m ready.” I think the sooner you accept this and sit with those difficult feelings, the better for you emotionally. I’m sorry if this is not the advice you’re looking for. If I were in your situation, I think I would revisit the idea you had earlier about telling him that seeing him is too hard for you right now. I understand that not seeing him will also be very hard for you, but I believe there are three potential upsides to it: 1) You will become stronger emotionally and this will feel very good 2) He will respect you for doing what you need to do 3) He may miss you and realize “he’s ready”.

    He obviously has strong feelings for you, but this isn’t enough. You deserve more. Seriously, you have a lot to offer this guy! Give him some time away from you to figure it out.

    #177063
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks Brandy!

    I do have anxiety I need to deal with in any situation, good or bad as Anita says, so I do have to get a handle on that.  I know he loves me, cares fo me, but yes, Sunday left me in such a vulnerable state, as I don’t know what he wants.  Its hard to walk away from someone you love, even when  you’re not getting what you want from them, and if its only a bit of love here and there….but I know i don’t deserve that.

    I will have to try and just accept we are over, and try and move on and if he contacts me, than great, and if not than I know.

    #177073
    Brandy
    Participant

    Heartbrokengurl,

    You are so right. It’s hard to walk away from someone you love. You’re taking that important first step, though: accepting that he isn’t ready to give you what you want. If you’re like me, one moment you may tell yourself “I can do this!”, and then the next you may say “Oh, but I miss him, I want to see him, hang out with him right now, I love him!” Let the thoughts pass — they always do. Be gentle with yourself. Take a warm bath or get outside for brisk walk. Contact a friend to grab a cup of coffee with. Reach out to someone you care about but haven’t seen in a while. Watch a good movie. Write down personal goals you have outside of this relationship or things that inspire you. Surround yourself with people who support you. If you are someone who likes to work out, hit they gym! Take one day (or really one moment) at a time. See what happens.

    #177121
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Heartbrokengirl,

    I wish there was something I could do, to take away all this doubt, confusion and pain. This has been going on now quite some time for you. I do understand you feel he loves you, and I am sure he does, but everything else he is doing is too vague, too complicated, and it will only end up making you miserable..The longer you try to “hang on”. I use a quote quite often, because it is so true. “If you don’t know where you stand with someone, it’s time to stop standing and walk away. x

    #177127
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you so much. I wish there was an easy fix. I’m in so much pain but know I need to let him go.

    still nothing from him and it hurts so bad, like he doesn’t care. I wish I could be one of those girls if  they get treated like crap they can just walk away easy. It’s so much harder for me because I get so attached too.

    I have to walk away and if he comes for me then I’ll deal with it then.

    #177193
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbrokengurl:

    I read your past posts since Feb of this year to page one of this thread so to understand you better. Your shares are telling of how powerful anxiety is. I suffered from anxiety for decades and as I sit here, I feel it coming and going. I hope you welcome my input, although some of it may be difficult for you to read.

    In your posts you repeat the same thing over and over again: reaching out to a connection with a man, finding comfort in it, followed by anxiety. Repeat.

    The reaching out to a man is not different from a person reaching out to a drug to relieve one’s anxiety. It gives you a relief, temporarily, and then you need another fix. Over and over again.

    It is a compulsion and so, your relationships, it is my understanding, were not about love but about this compulsion. I will explain: I don’t think it matters who the man is, for as long as you feel that comfort, you are drawn to him.

    You wrote about this last man that you don’t remember feeling like this before, this great connection. But you did feel it for others, and quickly. You just forget.

    So caught between anxiety and comfort, you are just not available for a mature, give-and-take, loving relationship. You are simply too worried most of the time and too exhilarated temporarily, and then too worried again, too caught up in this compulsion to really listen, to really share.

    Again, I am familiar with anxiety and I see it in people a whole lot. It is powerful. You have my empathy. I see no other hope for you to heal but one: attend quality psychotherapy and persist in it.

    The reason the current guy told you repeatedly not to worry is because your anxiety is very evident to him. I think it would be to anyone who is perceptive. Your anxiety will continue to make a loving relationship with a loving man impossible.

    anita

    #177209
    Carla
    Participant

    I went through something similar.  At the 3 month mark my ex told me he was dissatisfied with his life, and wasn’t sure he was really meant to be in a relationship.  He struggles with a plethora of issues, but one of them is his history of being hurt by women.  I was not as patient as you and pushed him to continue the relationship, and we did.

    It was a disaster.  I wish so, so badly that I had had the foresight so say “I understand, I am disappointed but I wish you the best,” and let him go.  Instead we endured months of confusion and hurt and I regret it so much.

    I advise you to let him go. If he decides he’s ready he will come back. I know it’s easy for me to say this but I have been in your shoes, and pushing him into something he has said he’s not ready for will hurt both of you in the end.

    #177231
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Carla and Anita,

    Thank you both so much for your input.  Anita you’re 100% correct in everything you say.  Although I do love him, a lot of it, is just wanting that connection, whoever it might be, and when it goes away I fall apart, or if there’s any threat at all, the same thing.

    I think it stems from my dad leaving when I was about 12 for a religion.  He’s never really been a part of my life, and so I have some abandonment issues.  I also have this desire/desperation just to be with someone and scared it will never happen, because I’m getting older (35), and it I feel helpless like it will never happen.

    Carla, you’re right too.  I have to let him go, and work on myself as well, and if he comes back when he’s ready, than he does.  I need to just put him out of my mind somehow and focus on me.

    #177245
    Carla
    Participant

    Heartbroken,

    I understand the need for a connection. I am the same way.  Despite the massive troubles we had my ex and I did share an unbelievable connection – at our best we would talk every single day for hours about everything and it was wonderful. I miss that connection with another human being terribly.

    But at our worst I was consumed with anxiety, depression, and fear.

    I struggle immensely with putting him out of my mind, but I know with time my thoughts of him will let up. We will get past this.

    #177279
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbrokengurl:

    Since I am 100% correct, so you wrote, will you be attending quality psychotherapy?

    anita

    #177317
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Yes, I made an appointment with a psych tonight  actually :). Hopefully it will help.

    #177321
    Anonymous
    Guest

    I hope so too, Hearbrokengurl. Hope to read about it soon.

    anita

    #177571
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    So I met with my psychologist last night and it was a very eye opening session.

    She explained to me that his behaviour sounds very erratic, and it’s not healthy for me.

    She worries that I keep attaching myself to men who are not emotionally available, or good for me, and I keep repeating the same pattern over and over again.

    She said I need to be conscious of my decisions going forward, and need to learn to love myself before I can be in a healthy relationship.  I suppose the same is for my ex as well.

    One thing she mentioned about him, was to stop chasing him.  And if he reaches out, to tell him I can’t see him until and only if he gets some help, and can also commit to me 100%.

    I still haven’t heard from him and it really hurts that he’s acting like this. Its as though Sunday meant nothing and everything he said was a lie.  I suppose its easier to be angry.  If he does reach out I will have to tell him no.

    #177575
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbrokengurl:

    What the psychologist told you is the same as the input I gave you as well as other members, on your various threads. You wrote that it was “eye opening”- what was new, to you, about her input?

    The therapy I believe you should have, as I indicated in recent posts to you on this thread, is not about the man or men being unavailable. It is about you being unavailable in a relationship. Your unavailability is about you not being relaxed enough to function effectively in a relationship with a man, a man who is or may be available.

    You are too anxious to go beyond your worries of him (whomever he may be) not liking you, not calling you soon enough, and so on, and then reaching out for temporary comfort (any word will do, any sentiment), followed by repeat anxiety.

    anita

    #177577
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I suppose it wasn’t necessarily ‘eye opening’, rather than affirmative of what you mentioned above.  And she did touch on the subject of me not being available either, and need to be, in order to have a loving and healthy relationship.

    Also part of my ‘problem’ is that I don’t believe right now that I will meet someone great, or that I deserve someone great who will treat me right.

    Thank you Anita, your words and advice have truly helped me.

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 48 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.