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A fight- do they work?

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 48 total)
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  • #174895
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi everyone,

    I’ve posted before about my boyfriend breaking up with me.  He has some inner struggles he’s dealing with, and I think he’s just trying to push me away because part of him is scared (maybe i’m just being naive and he just really doesnt want to be with me), but I truly feel like he does love and want to be with me.

    We are meeting up this weekend to talk, and I have this whole ‘speech’ prepared, to try and fight for him.  Ive never felt so certain about someone in my life, so I’m going out with one last effort I suppose.  I just don’t want to come across as desperate.

    Has anyone ever had success in sort of fighting for someone, to try and ‘convince’ them that everything is going to be ok and that we should be together?

    #174911
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Heartbrokengirl,

    Can you share a little more about the fight you had? How did it come about? Do you both fight often? Do you think that the fighting is starting to drain him emotionally? To where he is withdrawing? How long have you been together?

    You said he had some “inner struggles” he is dealing with. How is he coping? Can you share a little more about the struggles, and how it might be affecting the relationship?

     

    #174919
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Sorry, I should have clarified by ‘fight’.  I mean to fight FOR someone, not with someone.  In that regard though, we never fight, we get along so well, and have amazing chemistry.

    We’ve only been together 4 months.  When he gets stressed out he will withdrawal and push me away.  When he isn’t he makes grand romantic gestures, and I know how in love with me he is.  It’s like when hes stressed he gets so overwhelmed and can only handle so much.

    This has happened before with us, and when we ‘get  back together’, he will constantly tell me not to worry and things are fine.  Then this happens…and this is the first time it’s kind of been an ‘official’ break up where we havent spoken.  But we are seeking each other this weekend…and I really want to come prepared with what i want to say.

    #174945
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Heartbrokengirl,

    I would not break up just because someone gets overwhemed and stressed and withdraws. Many people do this, as it is their coping mechanism. I too get overwhelmed easily, but it is because I have ADHD, and people know it’s best to leave me alone, as it soon passes. He may have this, or may not want to”bother you” with problems. Men are taught not to show emotions and to be strong. If he is doing everything else great in the relationship, I would not let him go. He may not know how to communicate difficult feelings and does not mean to push you away. x

     

    #174983
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbrokengurl:

    This ” whole ‘speech’ prepared, to try and fight for him” that you have, would you like to summarize it here, perhaps, or share it in some form (short or long, either way is okay)? I will be glad to give you my input on it.

    anita

    #175105
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you both!

    Eliana, I think this is something to do with him just trying to push me away and not ‘bother’ him.  I just wish I could get through to him that it’s ok to feel this way and not have to walk away.  Everything else is great, but I may not have a choice to ‘let him go’, as he technically has broken up with me.  When I see him in a few days, I’m not sure if he’s still of the mind that he needs more time, and if that’s the case, I don’t know what to do.  I can’t lose him.  I’m hopeful though that it’s a good sign he wants to see me.  When we confirmed a day, he said he hoped my week has been ok, and said he thought about me a lot.

    At the same time that I want to ‘win’ him back, I want him to know how much this hurts me.

    Anita, my speech, is basically somewhere along the lines of:

    -I have missed you so much.
    -I’ve been very upset, lonely, sad, angry, and i’ve been worried about you too.   I’ve had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, but I want you to know that I’ve realized how crazy I am about you, and how much I love you.
    – I really want to fight for you and us, and I’ve never wanted to fight so badly for something.
    -I feel like there might be more going on with you than you’ve told me or expressed, but I don’t think whatever it is, is worth losing us over.  I don’t want you to have to go through this alone, and I really want to be by your side, even if you don’t think have much to offer me at the moment, because when you do, you’re amazing.
    -I know life is hard, and you might not be in the best place right now,  but you’re worth every second of seeing this through, and going through this with you.
    -You told me once to make you work for me, and that Im worth it.  Well thats exactly how I feel about you and I will work for you.  I know you’re scared, and I know part of your hesitation are walls that you have up, but it’s me, you know me, you can trust me, and I’m here with you to figure things out.
    I believe that true love is something you need to fight for and every relationship takes work, and think we have true love between us.
    -I need you to be willing to fight for me too.
    -because I deserve to fight for a love that is reciprocated back to me.

    Those are just some points that I hope to get across….and I hope he feels the same way.

     

     

    #175109
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Heeartbrokengirl,

    Thanks for clarifying. I am understanding things a little clearer now. I think what you have prepared to say to him sounds great. Please let us know how it all works out.

    #175135
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbrokengurl:

    I cleaned your speech of the access letters and digits:

    “I have missed you so much. I’ve been very upset, lonely, sad, angry, and I’ve been worried about you too.  I’ve had so many thoughts and emotions running through my mind, but I want you to know that I’ve realized how crazy I am about you, and how much I love you. I really want to fight for you and us, and I’ve never wanted to fight so badly for something. I feel like there might be more going on with you than you’ve told me or expressed, but I don’t think whatever it is, is worth losing us over.  I don’t want you to have to go through this alone, and I really want to be by your side, even if you don’t think have much to offer me at the moment, because when you do, you’re amazing. I know life is hard, and you might not be in the best place right now,  but you’re worth every second of seeing this through, and going through this with you. You told me once to make you work for me, and that I’m worth it.  Well that’s exactly how I feel about you and I will work for you.  I know you’re scared, and I know part of your hesitation are walls that you have up, but it’s me, you know me, you can trust me, and I’m here with you to figure things out.
    I believe that true love is something you need to fight for and every relationship takes work, and think we have true love between us. I need you to be willing to fight for me too because I deserve to fight for a love that is reciprocated back to me”.

    My input: I think your emotions are so very precious and I wouldn’t change anything in your honest expressions of your emotions for him other than the verb to fight. The verb “fight”is in the title of your thread. I think this verb may scare an anxious person like him. Anxious people are scared of fights, even when in context of fighting for them and not against them.

    The best attitude to extend to a very anxious person is one of calm, not of distress which is involved in fighting (for or against). So I would eliminate your offers to fight for him, and for the relationship, as well as your expressed need that he fights for you too.

    One more thing: gather more information about the nature of his anxiety, specifically, you can ask him what is the benefit, for him, in breaking up with you, what builds up in him leading to him (repeatedly) breaking up with you, and what is it that leads him to continue contact with you nonetheless. Ask him questions, gently, so to get much needed information. It may be helpful for him to express himself honestly, to know you heard him and understand him.

    anita

    #175207
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thanks so much!! Both of your inputs mean a lot while I figure this out.

    Instead of using the term fight, would you think maybe the term ‘don’t want to give up on us’ would be better?  I’m desperate not to lose him, but don’t want to come across as desperate either and scare him off.  But I don’t want to make myself super vulnerable and also stand up for myself, because what he’s doing isn’t really fair to me.

    #175213
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbrokengurl:

    You are making a very good point: “what he’s doing isn’t rally fair to me”, so this point needs to be considered.

    “Don’t want to give up on us” reads better to me. I would add to it a question, to him: would you prefer that I do give up on us?

    You are desperate, you wrote but you don’t want to come across as desperate- that is a tough one to achieve convincingly, over a longer period of time. I would say better not try to achieve what is unlikely to be successful. Instead, what I would do, if  was you, with your desperation and so forth (and I do know how it is to feel desperate, having been that myself), would be to tell him something like: I feel desperate to not lose you but I know that somehow I will survive it if it happens.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #175243
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I feel like I want to say i’m desperate not to lose him, but I’m scared if I put the idea or thought into his head that it may not work out, or that it’s ok if it doesn’t….than he won’t want to try.  I’m so anxious and stressed, I just want this to be over so I know what’s going to happen going forward.

    #175255
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbrokengurl:

    I don’t think you can put the idea that you are desperate into his head. He probably already sensed it. He probably already knows, and so, when you tell him, it will not be telling him a secret. Here is what can surprise him and make him feel better:

    If you tell him that you are desperate, but not in an embarrassed way, not in a way that shows you are ashamed that you are, but in a confident way, that will … well, it would impress me if I was him. Wow, he may say to himself, she is strong… I wonder if I can tell her that I am anxious in that way, not being ashamed that I am.

    anita

    #175285
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I’m sure he knows that I’m ‘desperate’, although I told him I needed a couple weeks to think, when he broke up with me and he wanted to see me right away.  Maybe he’s uncertain too of what I’m thinking?

    I’m trying to be positive, and think it’s a good sign he wants to see me, and says he’s thought of me a lot?

    I do want him to think that I’m strong though and that I don’t ‘need’ him.

    #175311
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Heartbrokengurl:

    Maybe he is desperate too, maybe he is conflicted, on one hand wanting to break up and on the other, not wanting to break up. You wrote that “Maybe he’s uncertain too of what I’m thinking”-

    this is why it is so important to have an honest conversation, to ask clearly, directly and answer, clearly, directly, so that each one of you knows what the other is thinking, not having to guess and speculate and try to manipulate the other’s thoughts (as in: I will say this so that he will be thinking that).

    anita

    #175483
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    So some unfortunate news.

    I thought today was going to be great, but it was the opposite.  He’s still not ready.

    I gave him my speech, but it didn’t matter.  He said the thing that is effecting him the most his his last relationship.

    He still feels hurt by what happened, how she treated him, and just can’t seem to get past it yet. He doesn’t have romantic feelings or anything for her, it’s just how she left him, and how he has all these guards up.  Sometimes when we have been out he will see someone that looks like her and it will throw off his whole night etc., and it makes him feel ‘gross’..that he’s with me, and is thinking about her.

    I understand needing to be healthy to be in a relationship, but I don’t know how to let him go.  He says nothing has changed with his feelings for me, that he loves me and can see us together maybe in the future but not the near future, that he needs to work through his issues.  He said he doesnt want to lead me on, and should find someone else…but was crying and so upset saying all this stuff.  I know he loves me but just can’t seem to get past this.

    I called him when I got home to talk again, and he explained more about why, which I guess helped me to understand more. But, didn’t make me feel any better really.  I asked if we could hang out next week, and he said yes, but wanted to do something where we wouldnt just be sitting crying all day (like today).  So we might go for a bike ride or something.  I told him ok, and said I wasn’t prepared to give up on him yet. He said ok thank you.

    I just am still confused and heart broken.  On one hand he tells me to move on, but can’t really let me go.   He also said he doesn’t want to feel pressured either.  I don’t know what to do.  Do I hang out with him casually and just be neutral when we are together? And date other guys too and keep my options open?  But even thinking about being with another man breaks my heart, because I want him.

     

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