Do you only want to take that job because it is “a great chance”, people expect it from you, you think you have to to secure your future? Or do you actually find the possibility interesting and exciting?

I really feel with you when you say that it is important to you to have a stable net of friends and places you know around you – and if everything in you resists leaving that, maybe you should not force yourself.

Studies do show that we regret the things we didn’t do more than those we do. But on the other hand I think it is equally important to follow your gut, and be brave enough to pass out on an opportunity if all your warning signals say it’s not a good idea for your wellbeing.

Apart from that: If you don’t really have the job offer for certain yet, why don’t you just go to the interview and see how it feels? Maybe it’s less awkward than you think, or maybe you will know then for sure that you don’t want this?

Good luck!

Dear nekoshema!

You keep writing that others think you are not happy… but what do YOU think?
What makes you happy? What makes you unhappy? Maybe you are just stressed out by all the expectations people and you yourself seem to have towards you?

Maybe your way to inner peace is to accept that you are just the way you are, and that it is ok! Some people are introverted and its totally fine! You can be shy and deal with things your own way, this hasn’t got anything to do with happiness.
Whatever nicknames others call you, or what they interpret into your behaviour – it is just a story THEY are telling. Maybe you feel the same, maybe not. Decide it for yourself and only do things YOU feel are making you happy!

I used to make quite a sombre impression on people, and a very lighthearted friend accused me of pulling her down and not being positive enough. But I just felt like not smiling. I just felt like being silent. And I was happy with that, in my very own way! I needed it, it was my own decision, and I owned it! My friend apologized later when she suddenly faced her own depths and experienced that not everyone can be an extroverted superpositive socialiser all the time!

So who are you? Right now? Can you accept that person and help her feel ok with who she is?

Dear Csaba!
What you describe sounds really tough… and as you and others have already written, it sounds like a reaction to being rejected…
I too felt like that at times, and it mostly stemmed from being rejected at school. I could not recognise it at that time, it just felt like I was surrounded by stupid people who just did not get reality. Sometimes I got so angry I had very vivid and violant daydreams. I guess I can be thankful none of that turned into actual behaviour.
What you wrote also reminded me of an autobiography I read about a guy. Don’t get this the wrong way, I am not comparing but want to show you that this may happen on an even crazier level: He was abused as a child and had a really difficult relationship to his mother. This affected his relationship to women in general. After being rejected and disappointed a lot by women, he grew very hard and cold and became an abusive pimp. He wrote about the stuff he did to women, and that it took him years in prison and therapy to find out that it was his disappointment and his lack of selflove that he projected as hatred on other people. (He now owns a fitness-studio and teaches children about self-respect, so much for turning things around ;-))

I guess what I want to say with this is: You are not alone. Your feelings don’t exist because your a bad person, but because there is something unresolved, as the others have already said.
It is truely great that you notice this yourself and ask for help!!! It sucks to be rejected, and sometimes people do it in a way that seems cruel. But this should never lead you to question your selfworth or to become cruel in return – maybe they are just the wrong people for you!
I hope you can turn this around, find people who care about you and enjoy caring about other people again!

Dear cperrone,
he is responsible for his own actions, and you are responsible for your own wellbeing!
Apart from that you might even consider yourself having a moral obligation: If you protect him you are giving him a free pass to do all he did to you to others as well! Do you really think there should be a cop on the street who threatens, abuses and hurts people? What do you think will happen if he gets into a secure position within the police force? He would have even more power over other people then!

By protecting yourself you are also protecting lots of other people!

Still, this is not to be taken lightly, and it’s very understandable that you are scared, because this guy is scary! So take good care of yourself, be careful, and try to get as many people whom you trust to help and support you as possible!

Hey!
So much great advice! 😀
Maybe I can add some insights how I tackled my anxiety…

1. Read about it! Anxiety & panic attacks are a surprisingly common phenomenon, and there are really good books that explain how it works. This knowledge will help you to figure out what is behind your anxiety.
Short form: Somehow your body has registered certain thoughts or experiences as life threatening – so whenever you think or experience something similar, it does everything it can to prepare you for fight or flight – which is not a nice feeling. Once you become afraid of that feeling, you start to look out for it, creating a cycle of anxiety that is triggered by your fear of fear…

2. There are methods to break that cycle, they include breathing techniques, meditation & exercise. Doing Yoga with affirmations actually helped me a lot, as well as exercising in general.

3. Maybe you are just generally scared because life feels threatening. Is it fear of making mistakes? That something could go wrong? To be honest, I am still having that, but I am getting better at facing those fears. I feel that they are closely linked with how much expectations vs. compassion I have for myself. I usually start to feel better when I give myself bravery talks: That also means I am brave enough to face the fear when I feel it coming up. It’s ok to be afraid, it’s a part of me, I don’t have to try to get rid of it or avoid it and it cannot actually hurt me. A car crash could hurt me, yes, but there is nothing I could do about it, so I just have to live with the risk.

4. Try to remember that decisions are not as crucial as you might think they are. I really recommed this very funny and inspiring talk by Dan Gilbert about how our psychological immune systems allows us to be happy, whatever card life deals us or whatever decisions we make:

5. My friend whom I wrote about had a hard time to accept that the world was not as fluffy-duffy as she thought – and that she was not the person her parents and friends expected her to be. So she (and I did that to, and probably most healthy people do at some point ;-)) withdrew and stewed in her feelings and fought with herself and others until she figured out and accepted who she actually was, what she wanted from life and what steps she could take… She ditched her studies, went to live in a different city, a different lifestyle… great things and mistakes happened, and now she has to make completely different decisions, but knows more about herself and that she is able to tackle them. I imagine it a bit like being stuck in a djungle where you lost the beaten path … you will just have to make your own path – and how cool is that!

Caroline, you have tackled lots of stuff already, you are smart and it seems you have people around you who love you. Don’t let anxiety throw you off, it is a very normal thing, you are not alone with it and there are lots of things you can do against it! Just walk on, one foot in front of the other! *hugs*

😀 You’re forcing me to really dig deep…
First of all I’m very happy that this is helpful to you.
For the 4th point: Well, it is actually one of the things that are not easy and that can be very frustrating to learn 😀 I believe that it is very complex, and I still get very frustrated. But there might be a few things you can do, and they all kind of have to do with ZEN…

1. See it as a ZEN-practice.
You are in a crowded supermarket, people are stepping on your toes, your favorite food is gone and you once again have joined the longest cue. I used to get really upset in situations like these, but now I kind of make fun of it. I imagine I was a Super-Zen-Master, and this was an official test to see how calm and accepting I can be. (It’s a bit twisted, because you push your ego by being cooler than your surroundings, but it works well and puts you in a different place)

2. Remind yourself that you are not alone.
Some service person was very mean, some electronical device you bought doesn’t work and you will probably have to go to the store and they will still not be able to fix it and you don’t have a car anyway and it will never work and the best would be to die right away… This happens to everyone all day. You are not the only one. And you will have to deal with t like anyone else. Theres hope in this: Other people ho have gone through this can help you 🙂 And even if not: It’s not a big deal! It will not matter in 5 years!

3. Acceptance.
Yes, by buying something you might think it should work, but other than that life doesn’t come with a guarantee. For no one. And nobody can cantrol it. It’s no ones fault. Nobody does this to harm you. You can either stand before the bump in the road and curse roadworkers and trees and rain and… or you can accept that there is a bump in the road for whatever reason, and just get over it.

4. Look into your feelings.
Other people don’t do stuff to harm you. If you get frustrated at another person it is usually not because he or she has actually done something wrong, but because you feel misunderstood, or because they don’t fulfill your expectations. Look into this whenever you get frustrated/stubborn. What believes, what expectations from your side are behind this? This even counts if you are upset with yourself: What expectations do you have for yourself? (I should have worked this out by now, I should feel better, I should go out more, I am not good enough, bla bla bla)
Here we get back to acceptance: You need to be patient and compassionate with yourself. And then you will automatically be with others. You are OK the way you are.

5. Exercise
You are stubborn & frustrated? Great! 🙂 That should make for an excellent workout! (After which you feel more balanced, calm, happy, strong.)

I hope this will help a little 🙂

Hey Gastronaut!
I don’t know how much wisdom there is in what I have to say, and I’m not even sure whether I can answer all of your questions…
But I’ve been in and out of depressions all of my life, the last years have been much easier and there are a few things I’ve learned:

1. Passion & emotion are not there all the time, so don’t get afraid when they are missing – they’ll come back! I really get afraid when I recognise that conversations mean nothing to me, that I don’t care about anything in my life and am not motivated to do anything… I am afraid that I will lose what I have worked so hard for. But I have learned to accept it, and I know that I can take my time with myself and that I can go out again when I’m ready – there is no sense in forcing yourself.

2.If you don’t have meaningful relationships yet, fake it til you make it is a very good advise 🙂 Another one is listening. Just listen, don’t judge, don’t think about yourself – just listen. The rest often follows. Look out for people who share the same experiences – it can be hard to connect with people who don’t get your depression at all…

3. Exercise
Maybe I’m lucky in having discipline, but I was not a sporty person at school. I started out of desperation and loneliness… Once your body gets used to it, it is the best you can do to fight downs. Maybe you linger in self-pity for a few days, but a trained body will get you going again and help you out of it. It makes you happy, proud, balanced, and also mentally stronger.

4. Lower your expectations. (Acceptance)
I read a study that depressed people often fail at little things. They get easily frustrated and take things personally… so they give up easily, they blame themselves and the world instead of just dealing with it the way it is.
Things don’t work, things can be difficult, so I think its important to understand that even if something does not work right away its not necessarily a huge problem, and that there is usually some sort of solution for it, it might just take time and a bit more effort. This works for situations and electronical devices 🙂 as well as for relationships. They are never perfect, so don’t expect them to be, don’t expect yourself to be, and you’ll be much happier!

5. Persistance
It takes a long time to rewire your brain. As in 4. – don’t give up, even if there are bumps in the road! They are alla part of lifes rich tapestry 😉

Good luck, I’m looking forward to what others have to write about this… :)))

Hey!
First of all I personally think that he is indeed abusive (threats? namecalling? disrespectfulness? passive agressiveness?…), and that this will not change but only get worse…

Do you feel loved in this relationship? Do you feel you can grow in ways that are good for you? Do you feel safe? Do you feel strong in this relationship?

I too put up with a lot with my current boyfriend. He also behaves disrespectful from time to time, though he never called me names or got physical in any way! He actually did change in a positive way throughout the years we have been together, however we still fight a lot (right now because we are trying to move together again). This only works because we started out from a much easier place than you are in, and because he recognises his own behaviour and takes full responsibility for it, as I do for mine…

A friend of mine, a very strong and intelligent woman, was in a similar situation not long ago. She called me and said: Am I crazy? Do I really need help? Her boyfriend told her she needed psychological help because her behaviour was destructive to herself and to others. However, I have known her for years and know she is none of this! He was projecting his issues on her, until she almost started to believe him. I told her what I tell you now: You need help when YOU feel that you need to work on something, or when someone close whom you absolutely trust tells you from a place of love that you should work on something. In every other case you’ve just got the wrong partner.

It does not have to be anyones fault, sometimes its just the combination of people that does not work because it triggers unhealthy patterns. And to be honest, there is only so much work you can put in… It’s very hard to let go of intense relationships like these, but you deserve to be loved, to be treated respectfully and to find someone who can cope with who and what you are…