Hi there…reading through your post reminded me of what im went through my life sometime back…i went through life day in and day out with everything that i was grateful for because i had everything i ever wanted….but still it felt like something was missing…through many days of writing in my journal and meditating i finally knew what i had missed…i had missed myself….i missed being myself…i never really indulged in things that i love for the fear of judgement and also emotional abuse and fear of pain…..my ego took over and i covered my fear…i finally realise i love myself…maybe what u should be doing is getting back to how it all started…get through your emotional issues and go from there….take it from someone who lived in denial….its not really a happy place….so i know how you truly feel….this really worked for me…i hope it works for u too….

It doesn’t matter what anybody thinks of you because what they think about you changes nothing about who you are.

Is there anybody who doesn’t think you are scary? If so then you aren’t objectively “scary”. If people perceive you to be “scary” that is a judgement they are making about you, they are imposing the concept of scariness onto you. It isn’t a quality you actually have because nobody can “be” “scary”. If you could be scary then everybody would always find you scary all the time. Does that happen? No.

Maybe the non-verbal signals you are giving out could be improved but if you do this to change people’s perceptions of you then your energy will be focused pointlessly and you will never be happy. Instead you could think about changing your non verbal behaviour in order to create a friendlier atmosphere between you and your company etc. Forget about what they think, you’re doing it for you and the relationships you would like to create, NOT so that they can think you are X or Y or Z. Forget about convincing people you’re nice as well, it’s pointless. You’re not actually “nice”, that’s just a judgement you make about yourself. It’s an opinion. If you think a painting is good does that mean that painting is good in reality or does it mean you personally like it? If you think somebody is horrible does that mean they are actually inherently horrible or is that just a judgement you hold about them? Therefore if you think you are nice are you actually inherently nice? No that’s just a judgement you make about yourself. Same about scary, just a judgement. Neither judgement is “who you are”. In reality no words can ever describe you accurately, they are just conceptual ideas. Who you are is infinitely deeper than that: it is the consciousness you experience in each moment. That’s who you are.

Every time you “try to be happy”, you are psychologically separating yourself from the concept of happiness and displacing yourself from it in time. Read that sentence again. Then read it again. Then read it again. That’s it really. Forget about “becoming happy” by changing stuff. My definition of happiness is the lack of suffering-creating thinking that is being believed in this moment. It’s a feeling of peace, not necessarily of joy (though that can be there too). You can be happy in this peaceful sense even in the presence of physical sensations you might otherwise label fear, sadness etc. An example of a thought that creates suffering is “I want to become happy”. Can’t you see what you’re doing when you believe that thought? You’re creating unhappiness, because you’re telling yourself you can’t be happy now. Can’t be happy until you are feeling joy, until you have meditated X amount of times, until you never cry, etc. None of these conditions are true happiness. True happiness is unconditional.

I recommend the book to you “The Antidote” by Oliver Burkeman, you may well enjoy it. It’s about a negative path to happiness…achieving happiness by re-defining it altogether.

Good luck you have a lot of perspective and introspective capacity which means you have a large capacity for change. But that change probably isn’t going to come in the form you expect. It’s not about changing your circumstances, rather than accepting them. About accepting there’s nothing to change before you can allow yourself to be happy. Accepting that “happy” maybe isn’t what you thought it was…

All best!

Hi Nekoshema,

Just keep going doing what you’re doing and eventually the answers will come. It takes time, there’s no quick fix. I know it can be really difficult but eventually you’ll see the light so to speak. This is just the nature of the path you’re on, at first it’s a real struggle, it gets a whole lot better in time though.

All the best,

Ben.

Dear nekoshema!

You keep writing that others think you are not happy… but what do YOU think?
What makes you happy? What makes you unhappy? Maybe you are just stressed out by all the expectations people and you yourself seem to have towards you?

Maybe your way to inner peace is to accept that you are just the way you are, and that it is ok! Some people are introverted and its totally fine! You can be shy and deal with things your own way, this hasn’t got anything to do with happiness.
Whatever nicknames others call you, or what they interpret into your behaviour – it is just a story THEY are telling. Maybe you feel the same, maybe not. Decide it for yourself and only do things YOU feel are making you happy!

I used to make quite a sombre impression on people, and a very lighthearted friend accused me of pulling her down and not being positive enough. But I just felt like not smiling. I just felt like being silent. And I was happy with that, in my very own way! I needed it, it was my own decision, and I owned it! My friend apologized later when she suddenly faced her own depths and experienced that not everyone can be an extroverted superpositive socialiser all the time!

So who are you? Right now? Can you accept that person and help her feel ok with who she is?