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Thank you for both for the replies.
Anita, kind of yes. I didn’t really make friends growing up, all the way till university. I tried making friends through sixth form and university (joined societies, actively meet new people in my dorms or on my course etc) but nothing. I find it very difficult to make friends so its got the point where my ex-boyfriend is now my friend (we took a year apart from each other, ie not talking, and now we are good friends again) and my ex-friends-with-benefits is just a friend-friend now. My ex is not someone I have romantic feelings for, never developed which is why we broke up, but we are sexually attracted to each other (haven’t acted on since breakup) and get along really well with each other as friends. My friend who I used to sleep with, we never got into a relationship or had romantic feelings (we were very careful about stuff like that. Thus, we are still friends but both at different universities now and in relationships so just friends. However, I live at university full time so don’t get to see them (lack of funds also adds to this) and they have their own lives of course. It sounds bad but yes, the only two friends I have are men who I’ve slept with, but they are great people otherwise I wouldn’t have slept with them. I need more friends physically in my life, I know that, but currently have nowhere to turn for that. And as I have no idea what my future is going to entail, I don’t want to put effort and time I don’t have because of everything else going on in my life to put myself in uncomfortable and anxiousness situations for a chance at friends I don’t even know how long I can keep. Plus, now I’m in my third year, everyone has found their friendship-circles and its not easy to just fit into one at this stage.
Mishika, the financial support has only become an issue in the last couple of months as I’ve began to think about the future. As of now, we don’t share money and I pay for my own rent and food with my work money and student loan (not anything left after that). I am thinking far down the line (June/July), when I’ll be finished with university and need a place to live and I just simply can’t afford to live on my own. I love my boyfriend very much, that isn’t the issue. It would be simpler if I didn’t love him as I would have nothing holding me to this relationship and I probably wouldn’t have tried so hard to keep it. It’s more the love and friendship is there, but the passion and chemistry isn’t. There is a part of me who would like a stable home with pets and a safe life, but that isn’t for me right now and I want to live my life while I’m still young and not settle into a routine yet. We both don’t want children so that isn’t the issue, it’s more settling for a person who I love and is wonderful, but there is no passion. I do love him and I don’t want to be lonely or without a settle income, but I don’t know if I’m ready to give up passion for that.
Thank you for your advice Mishika, and for the link. I am lonely and scared of being completely alone, but I guess I kinda feel alone anyway where I am in life at the moment. I am putting myself alone through university and pushed myself to be the first person in my family to be in a situation where I could do the job I love, so I should put everything into that. But it is scary thinking about doing this alone and that fact it might not work out. I feel I am rather independent, as I have grown up with no friends and little family support as some not very nice people were in my life, I have had to deal with issues on my own. But I don’t want my whole life to be alone, I would like to have a social interaction some days.
Sorry, I know my thoughts are all over the place and jump from one to another but that’s kind of what my head is like at the moment, so confused and darting to positive and negative thoughts.
Thank you Anita,
Its not that it is my only way of getting income, but its the way I want my career to progress instead of staying in England and settling for a normal 9-5 job. He is more financially secure than me having a 9-5 job in England, and as I have no family nearby I will need somewhere to live and I’m worried I won’t have that. Getting the grant would be an amazing opportunity, but the chances are slim and I don’t know if I can pin my hopes on it, never mind a relationship.
I’ve told him I feel like he is just a friend to me at the moment, that while I still love him, there is a huge part of our relationship that makes it a relationship that is missing. He says he is sexually attractive to me but doesn’t seem to do anything about it. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to break up, but isn’t doing anything to fix the problems I’ve highlighted. Now it seems I don’t want to be around him (even find it hard to sleep next to him) and starting to get angry because I’m trying to be patient. But its difficult when I’m getting nowhere. Now I feel I’m either avoiding talking to him and shutting him out or getting frustrated with him. I don’t want every time I talk to him to be complaining about our relationship which is what it feels like to me. I don’t want to lose someone incredibly dear over this.
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