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Uncertain about so many things

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  • November 6, 2016 at 12:29 pm #119775
    Katie Harvey
    Participant

    I am worried this is going to be pretty long, for which I am sorry. There is just so many conflicting issues at the moment it is hard to work them all work out in my head so I thought I could try writing it out.

    Ok, so some background first. I am only 20 and in my last year of university studying for a scientific and stressful degree. I have anxiety and bouts of depression. I am still looking into successful medical health for this, as well as migraines. As a student and with a job that has low hours due to the degree and health issues, I am also stressed about the lack of money. I have very little friends, none at university or home (which is another island away and only go back once a year if I have the money). My only friends are my ex-boyfriend and my ex-friends-with-benefits, there are only a few people who tolerate a conservation with me in lectures but I wouldn’t class them as friends. Due to my degree, I have no plans in terms of jobs for after university which is very stressful as well. I have a boyfriend I’ve been dating for a year and a half and live together in a large student house but our rooms are next to each other. He is lovely and nice and… Safe.

    So issues have been mounting for less than a year now, there has been some commutation but I’m trying to be patience. The sex isn’t good, never has been but I thought with time we could work together. But it hasn’t got better, in fact its got worst. We only had sex once a month, we apart for two months, and when we came back to uni the beginning of September, I decided to tell I’m about the issues. He didn’t realise there was anything wrong which surprised me, and it also meant his self-esteem dropped. He then didn’t want to have sex until he was ready which I tried to respect. I got really frustrated and I got drunk and sent a stupid message to my ex (previously mentioned) that I missed having sex with him and my bf saw it. We talked and he was very upset and angry at me (understandably). So I let him have his space and didn’t attempt to try anything with me. But now its been two months and still nothing. I am getting incredibility frustrated and worried I’m starting to take it out on him by getting angry at stupid things. I’m finding it hard to not think about sex with anyone else. Its safe with my bf, but I want passion as well. And I’m starting to think he can never give me that.

    As I have no future stability, he makes financial sense to stay with him. With my degree, I have the potential to get a grant to go work aboard. For how long, I don’t know yet or even if I’ll get it. And if I don’t get it, getting a good job most likely means moving to move. While my boyfriend has his job here and doesn’t want to move at all. This means thinking about a future means sense to stay with him to a point as I don’t even know what my future is yet. My boyfriend is amazing, he’s sweet, caring and funny. He is also my only real friend. So if I break up with him, I’m afraid I’ll lose my only source of sociability.

    I was hoping to work this out but I’m afraid of talking to him about this as it just made it worse last time. I don’t know whether to try and deal with it, to talk more anyway or break up and deal with the issues that are left. I would love someone else’s opinion on this as I don’t know if I can fix this.

    Thank you.

    November 6, 2016 at 8:09 pm #119801
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Katherina:

    With your degree, the only way for you to make money is “to get a grant to go work aboard”? If you don’t move, there is no way for you to make money and your boyfriend then will be your financial security- did I understand correctly?

    If I did, then I vote for you to aim at getting a grant and working abroad.

    I think you should tell your boyfriend that you are now friends. And that IF he wants to be more than a friend, then he should share with you what he feels for you and why he is not interested in you sexually.

    anita

    November 6, 2016 at 10:37 pm #119808
    Katie Harvey
    Participant

    Thank you Anita,

    Its not that it is my only way of getting income, but its the way I want my career to progress instead of staying in England and settling for a normal 9-5 job. He is more financially secure than me having a 9-5 job in England, and as I have no family nearby I will need somewhere to live and I’m worried I won’t have that. Getting the grant would be an amazing opportunity, but the chances are slim and I don’t know if I can pin my hopes on it, never mind a relationship.

    I’ve told him I feel like he is just a friend to me at the moment, that while I still love him, there is a huge part of our relationship that makes it a relationship that is missing. He says he is sexually attractive to me but doesn’t seem to do anything about it. He says he loves me and doesn’t want to break up, but isn’t doing anything to fix the problems I’ve highlighted. Now it seems I don’t want to be around him (even find it hard to sleep next to him) and starting to get angry because I’m trying to be patient. But its difficult when I’m getting nowhere. Now I feel I’m either avoiding talking to him and shutting him out or getting frustrated with him. I don’t want every time I talk to him to be complaining about our relationship which is what it feels like to me. I don’t want to lose someone incredibly dear over this.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Katie Harvey.
    November 7, 2016 at 6:40 am #119831
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear katherina:

    There are a few issues you brought up:

    *You don’t have friends or family supporting you in any way; he is your only friend.
    *You worry about not having money to live on; a place to live in.
    *You don’t want a 9-5 job.
    *You want to get a grand and work abroad, but the chances for you to get a grand are slim.
    *You want to have a satisfying sex life with your friend/ boyfriend, but it never has been and presently, there isn’t any. Your friend/ boyfriend does not communicate about it and you have been expressing anger at him.

    You wrote: “My only friends are my ex-boyfriend and my ex-friends-with-benefits”- do you mean that your only friends are men with whom you had sex? If so, please elaborate (so I can understand you and your situation better).

    anita

    November 7, 2016 at 7:20 am #119835
    Mishika
    Participant

    HI Katherine
    First of all I would like to tell you that you really need to be independent and not be dependent on anyone for anything be it for financial support or emotional support.
    For financial problems you are a young girl of age only 20 so i would recommend you right now to just focus on your career because the day you’l show your boyfriend or anyone in future (if you guys break up ) that you are an independent woman who just need his love and affection and support and not his money then the other person will just only love you and he would spend on you automatically but my point is crave for his love not for anyones money because if’l you love the other person rest will follow money, sex , home anything you desire for but first you need to love
    Often when people start feeling lonely people make mistakes of filling the void with unnecessary relationships. Be it friendship or romantic not realising that sooner or later those relationships will come to a standstill and you’ll be back to square one that is Being Alone which I think has happened to you because you moved from your ex to present and when your present relationship has come to standstill you started missing your ex
    So my advice to you give yourself some alone time and think about ur relationship that do you really love the person or you just dint want to feel alone.
    And also focus on your career rest everything will follow. Respect yourself , think what you really want from life. and yes just focus on your career right now. Be an independent woman .

    You must even read this, it will help you :

    Feeling lonely

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Mishika.
    November 7, 2016 at 8:04 am #119840
    Katie Harvey
    Participant

    Thank you for both for the replies.

    Anita, kind of yes. I didn’t really make friends growing up, all the way till university. I tried making friends through sixth form and university (joined societies, actively meet new people in my dorms or on my course etc) but nothing. I find it very difficult to make friends so its got the point where my ex-boyfriend is now my friend (we took a year apart from each other, ie not talking, and now we are good friends again) and my ex-friends-with-benefits is just a friend-friend now. My ex is not someone I have romantic feelings for, never developed which is why we broke up, but we are sexually attracted to each other (haven’t acted on since breakup) and get along really well with each other as friends. My friend who I used to sleep with, we never got into a relationship or had romantic feelings (we were very careful about stuff like that. Thus, we are still friends but both at different universities now and in relationships so just friends. However, I live at university full time so don’t get to see them (lack of funds also adds to this) and they have their own lives of course. It sounds bad but yes, the only two friends I have are men who I’ve slept with, but they are great people otherwise I wouldn’t have slept with them. I need more friends physically in my life, I know that, but currently have nowhere to turn for that. And as I have no idea what my future is going to entail, I don’t want to put effort and time I don’t have because of everything else going on in my life to put myself in uncomfortable and anxiousness situations for a chance at friends I don’t even know how long I can keep. Plus, now I’m in my third year, everyone has found their friendship-circles and its not easy to just fit into one at this stage.

    Mishika, the financial support has only become an issue in the last couple of months as I’ve began to think about the future. As of now, we don’t share money and I pay for my own rent and food with my work money and student loan (not anything left after that). I am thinking far down the line (June/July), when I’ll be finished with university and need a place to live and I just simply can’t afford to live on my own. I love my boyfriend very much, that isn’t the issue. It would be simpler if I didn’t love him as I would have nothing holding me to this relationship and I probably wouldn’t have tried so hard to keep it. It’s more the love and friendship is there, but the passion and chemistry isn’t. There is a part of me who would like a stable home with pets and a safe life, but that isn’t for me right now and I want to live my life while I’m still young and not settle into a routine yet. We both don’t want children so that isn’t the issue, it’s more settling for a person who I love and is wonderful, but there is no passion. I do love him and I don’t want to be lonely or without a settle income, but I don’t know if I’m ready to give up passion for that.

    Thank you for your advice Mishika, and for the link. I am lonely and scared of being completely alone, but I guess I kinda feel alone anyway where I am in life at the moment. I am putting myself alone through university and pushed myself to be the first person in my family to be in a situation where I could do the job I love, so I should put everything into that. But it is scary thinking about doing this alone and that fact it might not work out. I feel I am rather independent, as I have grown up with no friends and little family support as some not very nice people were in my life, I have had to deal with issues on my own. But I don’t want my whole life to be alone, I would like to have a social interaction some days.

    Sorry, I know my thoughts are all over the place and jump from one to another but that’s kind of what my head is like at the moment, so confused and darting to positive and negative thoughts.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Katie Harvey.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Katie Harvey.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Katie Harvey.
    November 7, 2016 at 8:25 am #119846
    Mishika
    Participant

    HI katherine,
    After reading to your post, I have made a conclusion that all you are scared of is being alone and nothing else. You are already an independent woman .
    Then first you need to take this ‘fear of being alone’ out of your mind and then take any decisions in life as I have previously posted that feeling alone might make us take wrong decisions in life .
    And i am sure that your boyfriend also knows this thing of your fear of being alone. So you are just letting him know about your insecurities and fear. My advice would BE BOLD. Just once Be bold .when you will be bold enough hell notice it himself. Take this fear out of your mind. Make new friends , lot of friends, take time out for your hobby which I m sure must be many and love your work so much that you feel happy while working and do not feel alone.

    Mishika

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Mishika.
    November 7, 2016 at 8:29 am #119847
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kathetina:

    Clarity will help with your confusion and I hope you can get some clarity from your current boyfriend. You wrote that you currently are paying your bills but you worry about not being able to do so come summer of next year. Your boyfriend is working and you are hoping he will be able to support you financially comes summer.

    My question is: did you ask him if he will do that? Or did he tell you that he will support you that way when you run out of funds?

    Regarding the lack of passion with your boyfriend, you wrote that sex with him was never good, without getting into sexual details, and keeping it general, why has it been not good? What about it wasn’t good for you?

    anita

    November 7, 2016 at 12:13 pm #119866
    Katie Harvey
    Participant

    I have talked the bf and we’ve decided to talk later about what we each want, whether that be to keep trying to make it work on some kind of time frame so our friendship doesn’t break down, or break up now as friends. I’m trying to push the fear of being alone and unstable aside and focus on, yes the uncertainty of my future, but what that could potentially open up for me.

    As I have a big social anxiety, making new friends so going to be very difficult. I of course don’t want to even think about dating or anything like that, is gonna take some time to get over him if we decide to break up. But I want to meet new people, do you have any advice on that front?

    Anita, me and my bf have previously talked about living together next year and we agreed on splitting 50/50 on rent and bills. That in itself provides a lower living cost (for example £500 a month rent on a standard 1 bedroom flat would only be £250 if we were together) but he has also said if I find a hard time getting a job or if its not well payed, that he would pay the difference of what I could pay towards it. Also, he refuses to let me worry about things such as food etc.

    As for the sex, it isn’t very compatible (which is why I thought it would get better with time) but also there isn’t much spontaneity. During the talk we just had, he explained he just doesn’t think he is that sort of person. But the timings aren’t right (like we just don’t seem to match pace well) and we’re into different things. I thought it was something we could work on together but maybe I was wrong? I don’t want him to change and feel uncomfortable, like I’m putting pressure on him or he isn’t doing what he likes. But I want certain things and I’m not ready to give up on those things yet.

    November 7, 2016 at 1:09 pm #119871
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear katherina:

    You value your friend as a good friend and he values you as a friend, so I would keep the friendship going and make it better. One way to improve the friendship with him is to clearly define your relationship with him, as friends. Close friends (not the with-benefits-kind, but close as honest, loyal, caring) but not boyfriend/ girlfriend. Taking out the bf/gf possibility will calm your anger at him and remove much of the distress on both parties.

    The reason I think you should be friends and not bf/gf is: you are not willing nor is there a requirement that you will settle for a physical relationship that is unsatisfactory to you. Clearly it is. The physical (sexual) incompatibility is significant, from your last post. And he is not willing to try otherwise, or maybe he is not able.

    You brought up the thought that it may be wise, financially, for you to be his girlfriend. I disagree. To split bills 50%-50% Friendship title should suffice. Plus lots of friends do make up the other’s share when one is lacking money. It is not required to be bf/gf or have sex to have such an arrangement. In your future discussion, ask him if this arrangement is good for him as friends.

    Try to separate your financial fear from your relationships. You can be his friend as long as you are honest with each other AND you can date another guy (ask him in your future discussion if it is okay with him).

    I don’t think it is necessary for you to make lots of friends- as you wrote it takes a lot of energy. It also is a risk of investing time and energy with no return on investment, little return and even negative return. I would be open, if I was you, to meeting a young man as a friend first, but with the long term goal of developing the friendship into a bf/gf relationship. You may get a good clue, through discussions alone, whether there is physical compatibility, without getting physical. Simply… talk about it.

    Hope you post again.

    anita

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