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  • #320447

    K
    Participant

    Hi Soul-searcher.. fellow person with ED issues here. Definitely don’t look anorexic or anything..but for years I have danced around counting calories, punishing myself for wanting food so badly, giving in and eating what I “shouldn’t,” binging occasionally and trying to make myself throw up and never being able to.. eating in secrecy in the bathroom.. I hate it so much. I’m not sure if you can relate to any of these.. I hate it sometimes too because so much stress and mental energy goes into thinking about food constantly. I love food, truly.. but it must be some deep-seated way of punishing myself, I think from all the stuff I’ve read regarding this. I feel like there is also the topic of “higher weight anorexia” which is common, and often overlooked.. I saw that on National eating disorders association the other day. I also feel like I have something along the lines of body dysmorphia or whatnot.. like I imagine myself in my head looking thinner or heavier.. and then when I see the hard reality of what I look like in pictures, in the mirror, I sometimes am really surprised at how different I look, especially when standing photographed next to other people.. it is weird. Like what is in my head what I look like can be starkly different, and can frankly be crushing if I feel like in my head, I’m thin, when in the photo, I look heavy and like I’ve gained weight. Do any of these resound with you? Please let me know more about your ED tendencies and what a typical day looks like for you. I seriously hate obsessing over food.. it takes up so much time and I don’t want to it just forces its way in my brain so often.. I feel like it is a terrible misuse of my time and mental energy. Sometimes I really frustrate myself because I get too stressed out and I end up eating before my husband because I don’t want to wait hours before we can eat together after work and then worry about overeating, eating too late, etc. It is so ridiculous. I want to let it all go and just let loose and give myself permission to enjoy food and be at peace with food.. then that is when the magic happens. I look forward to your response!

    #315589

    K
    Participant

    Thank you Anita and Peggy for your feedback as always.

    Anita, I am starting as a new patient next week to see a quality psychiatrist that came well recommended by my doctor. I am looking forward to this new experience. I also have been experimenting switching up my meal habits, meal times, and healthier eating without as much harsh judgment on my part. I gently keep reminding myself how good it feels to let go and to continue to practice gentleness and love with myself and my relationship with myself. I will check out Mark Williams’ mindful meditation series, thank you.

     

    Peggy, I will look into the Alexander Technique. My posture by all means has lots of room for improvement. I think I could definitely learn a thing or two about the teachings of how to use my body correctly with all the muscles, alignment, posture, well-being, etc.. so much to discover and learn! And also as we’ve discussed in previous threads, the never-ending beauty and peace found in nature can soothe the mind and soul. There are so many beautiful sights to observe and appreciate, it is so amazing and incomprehensible how much detail, life, a universe, is in just a drop of water or in a bunch of little pebbles… so much complexity, life, detail, in the “average” that we must pause and observe, quietly.

    #309781

    K
    Participant

    Anita, how do you handle recalling specific childhood/past memories where you feel they are the root cause of the problem? Sometimes I cannot remember a lot of specific memories from childhood, even though I know deep down they’re stored in my memory somewhere. A lot of the time when I try to recall a lot of specific childhood memories, they are the same ones, even though numerous, they are the same ones. I need to figure out how to tap into other memories where the pain may have stemmed from.

    #309765

    K
    Participant

    Thank you for all your replies! As I said before, it is enlightening to see things from others’ perspectives. It is refreshing to learn new things and new perspectives and knowledge. There really is never any use to mope around and feel sorry for oneself. It doesn’t do you any favors and the person who said the mean comment couldn’t care less how you feel. And that’s okay, I say that with no resentment; rather that it is simply a fact of life. It does the mind and soul good to let things roll off, and to think of good things and to not dwell on the depressing things, the stuff we cannot control/change. However, it is important to change what can control, though, and to gently do it so we can feel that sweet sense of accomplishment in our personal lives. That’s always a great feeling.

     

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  K.
    #309559

    K
    Participant

    Anita, thank you for remembering our previous conversation and for saying “Through a process of gradually relaxing into these memories, your anxiety will lessen and your relationship with food will heal.” Thank you for saying this. There are scars from our past that can never go away but our attitudes towards them can change and be gently eased away after we find ways to make peace with them after our lessons are learned.

    #309555

    K
    Participant

    Thank you Peggy and Inky for both your comments regarding this. It is always helpful to hear the voices of others, what we’ve all been through, and the steps we’ve taken to handle it and overcome, to come out stronger and better. I would like to think of this as a learning experience. We can obviously never control the words other people choose to utter from their mouths. That is on them. However, as we’ve all heard before, we can control what we personally do and say, and how we act, look, behave, etc. So that in and of itself is empowering and beautiful.

    #309551

    K
    Participant

    Hi Mark, thank you for your input. Without including too much of my profession here, I work in a health care setting, so it was not an employee that said this to me. It was said so loudly and frankly with no filter or regard for my feelings. I may be looking too far into this, but maybe in a divine or weird way it was said for a reason for me to get out of my destructive eating habits, i.e., they’re not working well. Sometimes we are too close to the project to realize how destructive or unhelpful we actually are being.. we think we are doing things well or correctly, when we might not actually be.. Sometimes that jolt of cold reality or someone else’s nasty input, when looked through in our own lens with gentle inflection and our own thought process devoid of assigning judgment to it, can actually allow us to see something from a different angle we may never have seen or considered otherwise.

    I was hurt because I thought my intermittent fasting and cutting myself off after a certain point in the day was paying off… I suppose it wasn’t. In reality, even though I wasn’t weighing myself, the fat was just not coming off.. if anything, I was questioning if I was gaining weight.. maybe I did a little. It is very frustrating when I cut back my eating and restrict the times I eat only to have it backfire and gain. I am going to try and eat healthier while at the same time give myself a little slack and be gentler with my eating habits and see how I feel. That to eat 2 or 3 times before 12pm and then intermittent fast the rest of the day may just not be the best thing my body needs. Thank you for listening, Mark!

    • This reply was modified 5 months, 3 weeks ago by  K.
    #308225

    K
    Participant

    That’s interesting Inky,

    I wonder if it’s just our mindset that is present when we’re out about travelling vs. living comfortably doing normal stuff in our every day lives. I feel like food eaten during travels just is so calorie-laden and rich compared to normal foods & drinks we make at home… all those extra sneaky calorie bombs that are put into those foods and drinks that we don’t even think of doing at home. Do you think that may have something to do with it? I think it has to do a lot with the mindset though and the deep comfort that usually comes with being home and in that routine. It affords us peace of mind and sanity, those sacred things that are important to each of us, whatever that may look like for each person. I feel like if that is disrupted, our bodies can feel like they are getting derailed somehow, or at least our minds in some way.

    #308145

    K
    Participant

    B, thank you for your wisdom here. That is very cool. I liked how you said “, I am not motivated by food; I am motivated by feeling well.” and also what an excellent point that really resonated with me: “I think the Western diet and lifestyle is totally messed up, to be blunt. We are eating large portions of “fast food” and not exercising regularly, and this is now considered “normal”.  So people don’t feel well anymore, both physically and emotionally, and they’re reaching for the wrong fixes — opioids, social media, porn, etc., — to escape not feeling well.” We have such a toxic relationship with food here in America. We have spiraled so far downward it is just… horrific. However, there are still those that practice mindful eating that promotes a gentle relationship with food and therefore the effect it has on their bodies. Such people I’m sure don’t need to rely much on the crutch of opioids, porn, other mindless distractions, etc. Food in, food out, clean eating, clean body. I think we tend to complicate things the way we perceive food. It doesn’t need to be complicated or expensive to be mindful and healthy.

    #308111

    K
    Participant

    Hi Inky, thank you for your feedback. I too can relate to when you said ” Cheese is my beloved downfall. Don’t think I can gracefully go vegan as a lifestyle.” Cheese is also a large vice of mine… lol. But I do enjoy how it doesn’t have many or any carbs, and I honestly think it gets a bad wrap too often. You said travelling is a huge challenge, would you mind expanding on what you mean by that a little? For me, I can say travelling is also a huge challenge for me in the respect that it scares me to shake up my eating routine/habits and feel “forced” even though I’m not being forced, per se, to eat on someone else’s schedule or if eating at the time I’m hungry simply isn’t a viable option for one reason or another. So I feel a perceived loss of control that my eating routine is being dishonored and out of my control, which stresses me out. I really would love to enjoy travelling more from the standpoint that it’s awesome to go to new places and try new foods! That sounds so exciting! It is something I am actively trying to improve on, something that I used to do in past years before my whacky eating patterns flared up again. Now I like to pack snack foods in my purse like a weirdo and eat them in the bathroom in secrecy if need be. It is really shameful and embarrassing to me but I would rather do that and regret it then go on ravenously hungry and get “hangry” and overeat and spend too much money on a bunch of foods out somewhere.

    #308109

    K
    Participant

    Thank you for your input, Brandy. I like how you said, “I’m not afraid of gaining weight because it hasn’t been happening.” I frequently hear one of the most vital components of healthy living that allows yourself the most fun and ‘permission’ is to simply let go and not worry…there’s no point to it. Is that one of the strategies you employ with your eating? Or do you simply not give it much thought at all? How much time and energy do you put into your eating beforehand and during? Thank you!

    #307791

    K
    Participant

    Hi Inky, thank you for your reply. If you don’t mind I have a few questions that if you’d like to answer I would be interested in reading them:  How many meals a day do you usually prefer to eat? Do you eat consistently throughout the day or take breaks of fasting at all? What do you think works best for you? Have you ever had periods in your life where you changed up your methods of eating?

    #307185

    K
    Participant

    Hiking and being out in nature can be so healing, yes. Now that sounds like a great idea: kayaking in the river. Have fun Katie!!

    #307171

    K
    Participant

    No worries, Katie, I totally understand! Me too (in regards to my responses). Thank you for all your input.  I really got a lot out of when you said this: “I don’t think we realize how much shame plays a role in how we live our lives…like we go through life thinking there is something wrong with us and we constantly struggle to be our authentic selves. When we can let go of the shame buried inside of us, it’s much easier to be our authentic selves…sometimes other people don’t like this because we become less “people-pleasing”. But there is such a freedom in being yourself. ”

    I also liked how you illustrated such great points on Brene Brown’s works. They sound comforting and illuminating, that it is all okay and there’s never anything wrong (with us).

    When you said “I guess ideally we would all be able to just be present and not wanting to be somewhere else, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with looking forward to being somewhere you know will bring you peace.” It is so true, when we stop and think about it. There IS nothing wrong with that, in regards to the concept perhaps pulling us out of the present. It is important to look forward to peace, even though it should ideally be found in the present. Sometimes I simply cannot achieve this to the degree I would like to. It needs work. LOL. But that is also okay. It should always be a continual work in progress. That is growth, and that requires time and gentle understanding and unfolding for all of us.  In regards to my happy place up North, there are many beautiful places in my state. I love venturing up North because there are so many pine trees, breezy cold air, and silence. It is restorative and I feel like whenever I go there, the whipping winds that blow into my face and all around me wash away the noise. The noise is replaced by the white noise of the wind all around that drowns out stress. Sometimes I find cleansing in white noise vs. total silence. It depends on my mood. It is refreshing not to hear cars whizzing by, people chatting incessantly, keys clacking, people walking, talking on the phone, etc, etc, etc… I have more than one happy place obviously, but this one is so majestic!! 🙂  Do you have a happy place (or two) you like to visit?

     

    Have a wonderful long weekend, Katie!! That sounds so wonderful!!

    #307121

    K
    Participant

    Hi Sofia, thanks for sharing. I’m not sure what school level you are in, but your story resonated with me back when I was in high school, and sometimes college, but not nearly as much as high school.  So, sometimes in my case, I would create the version of the guy I wanted and “needed” him to be for myself to make me feel wanted and “sexy” if I had to say. It wasn’t even like in real life he was that amazing. I found him very attractive, like with everything he did or the way his voice sounded, or the way his hair looked, etc… silly, simple things that I totally blew out of proportion to make myself feel better about myself, I suppose. In high school I felt like, looking back, my self esteem was lower than where it should have been. I really wanted and “needed” to feel noticed by guys I was crushing on. Yeah… they never crushed back on me.. but in retrospect, that is totally okay. I don’t think looking back on it as a 30 year old woman, it would have been a good match anyway. Over the years, I have come to learn that I desire a deep, meaningful relationship with a man, and to have him be able to communicate well and often. I guess that is a fairly common request and need of most women though. But still, looking back on my days of spending way too much, WAY too much time wasting time turning guys into someone I totally fantasized over and made them into the boy I wanted them to be, that is not, in reality, who they actually were in real life. When guys that I really liked and I actually spoke, it was dull, not nearly as dreamy as I had hoped, and it just made me feel weird and disappointed initially after the interaction. But then some time would pass and I would either go back to creating the version of them I wanted, or I would recognize it was not going the direction I needed and would move on with my life. I hope in a weird way, this helps!

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 31 total)