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I can't stop seeking validation from this guy

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This topic contains 3 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  Inky 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #307117

    sofia
    Participant

    There’s this guy that I was talking to last year (he ended up ghosting me kind of, he later apologized for doing that), and every time I see him at school, for some reason I really want him to notice me. I don’t know why I want this one guy’s attention so much. He has for SURE moved on, he has had multiple girlfriends since we’ve talked. I know he doesn’t care about me at all, which is fine but I still seek validation from him when we haven’t talked in months. I should be over him, right? Well for some reason I’m not. We don’t have a connection either, so I’m not sure why I obsess over him so much. I just really want him to see me? It’s not a very good feeling. I wish I didn’t want him to notice me so much, but I feel like I can’t help it. I’m sure my low self-esteem has a lot to do with it. How can I stop seeking his validation all the time?

    #307119

    sofia
    Participant

    + for example, today I found out he’s in one of my classes and I was happy about it because then he would have to see me? yeah I know, it’s so ridiculous. It’s funny because when we were talking I actually was not that into him. He didn’t really make me laugh, and we had dry conversations. Why do I want his attention?

    #307121

    K
    Participant

    Hi Sofia, thanks for sharing. I’m not sure what school level you are in, but your story resonated with me back when I was in high school, and sometimes college, but not nearly as much as high school.  So, sometimes in my case, I would create the version of the guy I wanted and “needed” him to be for myself to make me feel wanted and “sexy” if I had to say. It wasn’t even like in real life he was that amazing. I found him very attractive, like with everything he did or the way his voice sounded, or the way his hair looked, etc… silly, simple things that I totally blew out of proportion to make myself feel better about myself, I suppose. In high school I felt like, looking back, my self esteem was lower than where it should have been. I really wanted and “needed” to feel noticed by guys I was crushing on. Yeah… they never crushed back on me.. but in retrospect, that is totally okay. I don’t think looking back on it as a 30 year old woman, it would have been a good match anyway. Over the years, I have come to learn that I desire a deep, meaningful relationship with a man, and to have him be able to communicate well and often. I guess that is a fairly common request and need of most women though. But still, looking back on my days of spending way too much, WAY too much time wasting time turning guys into someone I totally fantasized over and made them into the boy I wanted them to be, that is not, in reality, who they actually were in real life. When guys that I really liked and I actually spoke, it was dull, not nearly as dreamy as I had hoped, and it just made me feel weird and disappointed initially after the interaction. But then some time would pass and I would either go back to creating the version of them I wanted, or I would recognize it was not going the direction I needed and would move on with my life. I hope in a weird way, this helps!

    #307137

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi sofia,

    Speaking as a person who FINALLY got validation from That Guy, I can tell you… it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

    K is right. Guys at that age, when you actually talk to them (or when they eventually open their mouths) tend to be dull and boring.

    Maybe in class pretend to be and carry yourself as That Girl. Make believe that he desperately wants validation from YOU, but he’s too dull and shy to approach you. Then at the end of class, finally give him a crumb of attention with a That Girl attitude. Like you know he likes you.

    Best,

    Inky

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