Hey again Anita- you are so insightful and I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me. I think you are right and there could be some connection between the child molestation and my ex’s homosexual encounters. I never had an issue with homosexuals in my entire life. For me what happened was that those 6 years I were with my ex felt like the hardest years of my life and it just was like the icing on the cake that he was cheating on me on a gay site. During the 6 years we were together he was very emotionally and sexually abusive. The sexual abuse from him was him demanding sex from me and getting angry when I wouldnt want to or be too tired. I think during those 6 years I started to believe that that was the only value I provided. It broke my heart that he was cheating on me on a gay site, because it was a hookup app and there is no way he would have ever told me the truth. I believe that is what terrifies me now, is I know the extent to which someone who go to cover up something they are embarrassed about. I begged him to tell me the truth when this happened and I also told him I would love him no matter what. I calmly told him I had been a loving girlfriend to him for years and I deserved to know who he was cheating on me with. He made up a bunch of lies and I could tell he was in emotional turmoil. Very quickly after the emotional turmoil he was showing, he became angry and wanted revenge for me leaving him.

One other thing I did not mention in my past messages is that after my mom and dad divorced when I was 10, he immediatly started seeing another woman. This woman had a daughter my age. They became like a second family to me for 7 years. His girlfriend was like a mother to me. One day she called me and told me that my father had come into her daughters room (the girl my age) and touched her. She ended up leaving my father. It was that day that I realized something was very wrong with the men in my family on my fathers side.

I just never anticipated that after I left my ex of 6 years that I would meet someone who treats me amazing and then have this mental breakdown. The day I thought he looked at a guys butt, I remember it just felt like my world was crashing down. Since then the push away and pull back I have done to him has done a number to my mental state. My pattern is like 2 weeks of him and I talking and being very affectionate, followed by me having a panic attack and breaking up with him. I explained to him last week that I think I need some time where we dont talk to get my brain back to a better place. I really hope that it happens. I just feel like my brain is raw right now. Have you ever heard of someone taking a break from a relationship to find that it changes the way they think about the relationship? I just want to have hope that maybe someday I can come back to him when things feel better and I am stronger.

Anita you summed it up really well and got all the details right. I have considered I have ptsd.  I think it I shockingly have ptsd from not only what my ex (Chris) did but when I thought I saw the new guy (Aaron) looking at a mans butt. It was really scary that I had such a mental breakdown and I completely acknowledge that it does seem crazy that I got so upset from thinking he was looking at a guy in a sexual interest. I did about 5 months of CBT but I felt my therapist was kind of dismissing my issue with the gay betrayal. I also felt like talk therapy was not working well for me anymore as I thought actual changes may have happened in my brain. In January   I started EMDR. It’s been helpful but a struggle for me to calm myself. I get into this headspace where I feel like I can’t deal with the stress and the exhaustion it causes me  so I push him away so I don’t have to deal with it. One thing I feel like is that maybe I need time away from him to get my head more  clear. I think actual changes happened in my brain so Im processing possible non threats as threats.  I feel like I need time to let my brain heal bc I try too get back with him and he’s so loving but then I feel overwhelmed with anxiety. It’s so frustrating and exhausting and I’m so sad and defeated.

Hey Anita,

Thank you for responding. We have never been angry at each other. When I tell him I cant take my anxiety anymore, I am usually coming from a very sad and distressed place. He has never been angry at me which still shocks me given that I have left him so many times. He always tells me he wants me to come back to him and that he is never angry at me because he knows that I am trying really hard by being in therapy. He also knows what I went through was very hard so hes very sympathetic. We both are just usually very sad.