Another link for further reading –

http://www.abandonment.net/articles/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-of-abandonment-part-i-an-overview-and-list-of-30-characteristics

Dear Louise,

I have been there. It is called abandonment trauma or rage. Please seek a therapist even if through skype who specializes in abandonment, adult children of dysfunctional families etc.

I can think of two right now- Donna m torbico and Jerry wise.

all the best,

N

Dear KK and Anna,

Your stories sound familiar….too familiar. I don’t know what made me login to tiny Buddha today.

Now, let me tell you two stories and I will let you decide what is right for you. I am telling you stories that I wish were told to me.

I also know this feeling of “I can’t let the wrong happen”….that’s what did me in…no, we can’t control what ppl do…we have absolutely no control over their choices and how their destiny would turn out…but alas!

Anyways,

Story 1 – let’s call her butterfly! Butterfly fell in love with a guy whose parents were never going to agree to his marriage to her…he knew tthat And then they forcefully got him engaged…he had many opportunities to leave the gal, but he didn’t, but he didn’t love her either so he kept hooked onto butterfly sucking hher life force to feed his cowardice. He couldn’t make that marriage work because he couldn’t, is still struggling with divorce for 5 yyears, it’s not that easy, also he did make love to his wife many times and who knows might go back to marriage some day. But he didn’t marry butterfly either…subconsciously butterfly was just his e cause to keep himself busy so that he didnt have to face his empty and coward life…refused to acknowledge his relationship with her and when butterfly pressed for a commitment for marriage, he let her go. A man no good for one woman is no good for other either. A man who cannot standup for his love, then the woman he marries is really useless. You have the courage to stand up – why do you want to marry someone who has no courage. Believe me, butterfly now know many other butterflies whose boyfriends in exactly same situation, family pressure, dying mother dead father etc…had the courage and maturity to take a stand. Such kind of shit doesn’t end just with somehow getting married. After wasting 16 years in on off stuff, butterfly is now starting afresh…wat was her deepest truest love looks is her biggest regret.

That takes me to my second story, of dragon fly.

Story 2 – Dragonfly was in fact too courageous so she convinced her boyfriend to talk to the gal and call off the engagement..so he did. And then his mom threw him out of home and he being the coward boy my mum will die etc that he always was started 5 years of on off….calling off his affair with dragonfly everytime they gought voz he had made this supreme sacrifice for her and running back into her arms everytime his mom fixed his new arranged marriage. Then finally mom engaged him to dragonfly with a grudge..and then he got confused about dragonfly…then called off engagemenf then went back then they got married – a marriage after which his mom screwed dragonfly totally and dragon fly saw that in his home in exactly similar situation other brothers and sisters were taking courageous decisions. The problem was never with the mom anyways. The guy kept playing on off even after marriage every time things hot difficult…rest is too long stuff. Nutshell, dragonfly is filing for divorce.

Both dragonfly and butterfly realise they had low self esteem and childhood scars that led them to such losers and are healing themselves. It will take a year or two of immense pain….but they wish they had taken this pain 11 years back.

If they could back, they would change one thing – raise the bar. Tell the guy he has to take a stand never beg.

If he can’t take a stand for himself…he isn’t worth it.

Love, I wish I could save you two from doing this to yourself.i wish.

I have many frens who fell in love at 29 and were mothers at 32. When things fall in place, they just fall in place. Something that has not worked out in 10 years can happen in 2-3 years or even less…hang in there darling…enjoy life as it comes…you are trying to plan life to the T with an assumption that if this plan happens like this, you will be happier.

Love….