Good morning ladies,

Michelle – thank you so much for your kind words. I know exactly what you mean by helping others helps you in a sense, I think I kind of threw myself into that a little recently as a form of distraction with one of my friends currently going through some up and downs with her partner and another friends father passed away in a tragic accident a few days ago. So I am point of call for those people now. Although in my case it isn’t particularly helping me right now, nothing seems to be. And to add to that point as I know both yourself & Shelby have mentioned this to me before, I am seriously considering medication at this point. It is exactly what it is there for right? I don’t understand my thought process sometimes. Shelby, in my eyes you are a strong, brave and incredible woman and why the hell would you not help to ease some pain with medication?! It doesn’t make you any weaker, if anything the decision makes you stronger! I see that! So why can I not apply that to my own self? In any case, it is a serious consideration of mine at this point because I am struggling severely with PTSD, depression and anxiety. Ultimately I can have a few good days of distraction and then I always end up back in this sad sad place – it’s been 9 months and nothing has shifted.. I’ve discussed this with my therapist who too seems the idea is not a bad one and I will book a GP appointment to discuss my options in the next week or so.

I do think my other issue is the idea of me bothering people. I mean, I do it with you girls here, I’ve been quiet because I just feel like I’ve got nothing constructive to say to be able to help you instead I feel my words will just bring you down. And it is the same with the majority of those in my life. My family for one have absolutely no clue that I’ve been down in the gutter for so long and that I am indeed struggling because I am oh so good at putting on a brave face so not to worry them! I may need to consider opening up to a family member at this rate, perhaps then I wouldn’t feel like I am at it alone? Who knows eh!

Shelby,

Thank you, I hope once I am past it it will be almost like a new beginning, new glimmer of hope, fresh of breath air. Until then I will just have to take each day as it comes.

I’m sorry you’re feeling sad again. It is literally such a sh**ty journey isn’t it! The waves and up and downs are so exhausting. It is absolutely okay to not want to be with anyone else. That is absolutely normal and I wouldn’t push yourself in that direction. Take my ex for an example, first relationship, first heartbreak, he wasn’t sure how to deal with it, everyone was convincing him to ‘move on’ and that he will find love again and it’ll be fine eventually, he believed that seeing as we are over and there is no way back then the only way forward is to move on as per everyone’s advice, ended up ‘dating’ and look at him now? It lead him nowhere, he wasn’t ready, his heart wasn’t ready, it was a complete waste of time, if anything it amplified the fact that no other woman is me, oh & it ended up hurting me in the process! So don’t rush into that, it’s perfectly okay to not be ready. After all, he was your happy ever after for a long long time AND you still love him. I was just wondering, when you say you want to reach out but you are not ready, what do you mean? What are you not ready for?

Shelby,

Thank you so much for the ongoing support, I suppose I just have to get through it..

The weekend sounds lovely though! Is it not cold up where you are? & To be honest your concerns are very valid! Those are the exact same thoughts that would be going through my head, especially that they are work colleagues. Is this the same colleague that offered you the flat share?

Take it one step at a time! Try to enjoy the parts of it and if there is something you’re not particularly enjoying, that’s okay! You can go back to the accommodation! Is it a boozy weekend then?

Bless you, I hope you get well deserved rest and feel better soon!

I’m struggling with sleep again tonight so flicking through Instagram for the first time today and I have come across this quote; ‘How do you know when it’s time to move on? Simple, you don’t. Because its not our decision to make. You cant persuade a heart to abandon a feeling any more than you could convince a fire to cool down..’

*Didn’t reflect under topics

Sofioula,

Sorry to butt in the conversation! I just wanted to say your comment; ‘Absolutely that. I got a sweet taste, got addicted and now I “torture” myself for not having my “dose”. Ain’t it weird that although I’m in pain, I recognize the truth and yet continue to want a person that make me in a sense, a beggar?‘ is oh so relatable!

Unfortunately for us, addiction to some is actually a real thing and yes it can indeed feel like complete withdrawal from drugs! It is extremely difficult, I have been battling for the past 8 or so months myself! Mind you, I have been up and down on my journey trying to work on things with my ex and then withdrawing and so on and so forth so that has played a big part in delaying my journey. Nonetheless, you literally just have to persevere and begin to believe that you KNOW you deserve better. Make a list of everything you want from your life. Goals, aspirations, thing’s you’d like to achieve and then a list of what attributes and traits would be perfect for you from your significant other. Sort of like a buildahusband.com.. and on your bad days remind yourself that you refuse to settle of anything other than that because that is what you deserve!

Also, one amazing piece of advice I have gotten from this forum is that everytime you feel the need to cave into contact (which happens often to me) tell yourself that that person is not running away, the option for contact is there now and will be there tomorrow and next week and the after, then promise yourself to wait out until tomorrow and if you need to contact him then you give yourself the permission to do so. Most of the time by the time tomorrow comes, so does the need for contact.

Good evening both,

First of all I just want to say how ever grateful I am that you have both taken the time to share with me your stories, advice and kind words! It never fails to amaze me how someone you don’t really even know can feel very much like a dear friend – thank you.

Nextsteps, you’re always more than welcome to join in the conversation at anytime! We are always here supporting one another through the ups and downs, me personally, I have found this forum to be a God send! It definitely has helped me through some of the darkest times! Again, I am welcoming the fact that the spiral is indeed a real thing, it does indeed happen to people, it isn’t just me, it is real and I am not going crazy. I can definitely relate to the markers your therapist has offered you. I mentioned earlier in my post that I can never really pin point the trigger to my spiral but that is perhaps it isn’t just a one of thing, maybe there are several things happening in the background all stacking on top of one another and then BAM! The spiral! That would make sense, I had a panic/anxiety attack only a few days ago, a very up and down two weeks, was actually physically sick on Saturday. All these things adding up and effectively maybe adding to the spiral. So it is interesting that your therapist has explored those ideas with you so you can sense one approaching in the future – I will try to apply this to my life and see if I can identify it before it happens.

Furthermore, you have described ‘the spiral’ to a T, literally! All the advice in the world and I still probably couldn’t appreciate the sunrise, or a good cup of coffee in that moment. My therapist has advised me that when feeling particularly low it it can sometimes feel like an out of body experience, in which case it can sometimes help to bring yourself back into the here and now – breathing helps. I normally try breathing exercises and to cling onto anything that I can physically feel, a chair, a table, anything near me at that time to remind me I am still here, I can feel, I can see, I can smell, all is okay. Now this does tend to help with anxiety attacks but it is just not effective enough in the spiral. As you rightly said, once you’re in it it seems like there is no way out.

I really didn’t pay too much attention to routine until you mentioned it, although I do notice a pattern of when the mind is a mess so are my days, complete lack of structure, so perhaps it has something to do with it. It would make sense that when your mind is in absolute overdrive and all over the place , the unknown so to speak the only thing you can give it is some routine, things you know, to bring some order and peace, a known place. Over the last few months I have made a little routine for myself also, I tried my take myself to the gym and work out, I would have a nice nutritious salad everyday for lunch, little things like those. As expected, I haven’t worked out in the last three weeks or so and am eating complete rubbish. In a bid to do just that I have gone and purchased my bits for my delicious salad for lunch, I bought my expensive but favourite coffee for the morning and prepared my clothes for work – order. Let’s start small!

Shelby – In regards to your anxiety medication, again you are very lucky to have a GP who has been with you since young! Unfortunately I can’t say the same about mine, I don’t actually even know who my doctor is as everytime I schedule an appointment I seem to see someone different each time. I have stuck out so long without medication, mainly due to willpower if I am honest but I do find myself questioning more and more frequently whether it would be good to give it a go, particularly when I am struggling like this! Also, I think what you said about getting out into the real world is somewhat similar to what I try with my breathing exercises as a means to bring you back to reality and out of your head. Funnily enough, when I left my house to drive to Tesco this evening to pick up my salad bits it had started snowing. We hardly ever get snow here in London so it gave me just an inkling of excitement. As I parked up I watched people running into the shop as quickly as they could to get out of the snowy shower whilst I stood there for a little while and welcomed it all, the cold flakes on my skin, looking up at the snow against the light of the lamppost, it was my little way of getting myself back to reality and I do feel better for it.

I must admit, despite feeling extremely shattered today with a pounding headache that I am unable to kick, at this stage my emotional state is slowly easing off, my mind isn’t on an emotional and irrational roller-coaster right now and I am so thankful for the reprieve. Rather I think I am now trying to analyse ways in which I can prevent this from happening in the future. I think I have a long way to go. For now, I will take on the advice given and make myself a lovely cup of coffee in the morning, get back into making my salads, and I need to get back to working out! Also something I think may help in the long run I have disabled all of my activity logs on social media meaning that I can’t see who is online and when, something I found myself checking back and forth continuously over the last few days, and I have decided to limit my screen time significantly over the next few days to focus on more important things. There is absolutely no need for me to be stuck in screen time going from app to app only to see the same irrelevant things, checking who was online and when (we all know this one is for my ex), it does me no good and I’d rather focus my time on relevant, meaningful interactions with you ladies on Tiny Buddha, and anything else that brings some kind of positive input in my life.

I had a break of nearly 3 months since the last spiral so I cross my fingers that that’ll be the last of it, at least for a few months!