January 25, 2019 at 2:38 am #276763
Good morning both,
Sorry I’ve gone a bit awol, I just haven’t been feeling myself at all. Therapy yesterday evening was extremely difficult,I could see on my counsellor’s facial expression that her own heart is breaking for me, bless her heart.
It’s just tough. Really really tough at the moment. I suppose in a sense I anticipated for it to be bad as the trigger date approaches but my heart is just so heavy right now I feel I can’t go on like this for much longer, something has to shift or I’ll lose my mind.
Anyway, let me not bore you with my mess. Shelby, where are you guys off to? Anywhere nice? What are the plans for the weekend away? It is really good that you are trying to get yourself out of your comfort zone but try to remember that you do not have to do anything you don’t want to or feel comfortable with throughout the weekend! Other than that, try to enjoy it as much as you can.January 25, 2019 at 4:00 am #276779
We are heading down to the south of the country, it’s about a 4 hour drive and it’s by the sea. I’m looking forward to it in small ways, but very anxious in other ways. What if I don’t feel up to boozing for the weekend, what if I want to go back to our accommodation early, what if I can’t sleep! Argh, so many precarious outcomes! I’m completely overthinking.
You poor thing, I think you’re dealing with it more at the moment. Hard and all as it is, you’re feeling it more and you know that to move on we have to feel things, so maybe it’s a blessing wrapped up as a curse.
Is there anything I can do to help? I’m sending you a big virtual hug right now and am at the end of the keypad at any time. Promise.January 25, 2019 at 4:08 am #276781
Thank you so much for the ongoing support, I suppose I just have to get through it..
The weekend sounds lovely though! Is it not cold up where you are? & To be honest your concerns are very valid! Those are the exact same thoughts that would be going through my head, especially that they are work colleagues. Is this the same colleague that offered you the flat share?
Take it one step at a time! Try to enjoy the parts of it and if there is something you’re not particularly enjoying, that’s okay! You can go back to the accommodation! Is it a boozy weekend then?January 25, 2019 at 6:51 am #276813
Yup, definitely a boozy weekend I’m guessing! There is a whiskey distillery tour planned for tomorrow! But I’m the driver for the weekend up and down so I have an excuse to take it handy!
It will probably be cold, but I’ve plenty of jumpers with me and yes it’s my friend who offered the flat share!
I love her enthusiasm and bright outlook on life but honestly I can’t keep up with her social media posting, apparently if it’s not on camera, it didn’t happen, or so I’m told!!!
Have you plans for the weekend?
SJanuary 26, 2019 at 4:34 am #276995
Just catching up with this now. It sounds like the weekend away is a nice distraction and being by the sea can be quite grounding. I wouldnt worry if you feel like you want to go back to your accomodation or just for a walk by yourself etc as ultimatly that is self care, there are no “shoulds”. If you arent enjoying something thats okay. I think my brain tends to remind me of the past more when I am tired or hungry or just feel “off” so taking care of yourself if those feelings come up is so important for you. I would be scared drinking (and still am now) as unless i am in the 100% right mood it tends to bring up all sad feelings. So I think you are doing the right thing by being designated driver and if you want to drink or dont want to then it is completly your choice. They sound like lovely work mates organising weekends away etc do I really hope it is a nice break for you, even if it is hard at parts.
I agree with what you mean about you KNOWING things but your heart FEELS differently. Its a really hard one as the heart is so strong. For me (and I have struggled with steps forward and back for a few years so its not all plain sailing) is just trying to accept it is what it is. Like every time my mind would bring up a positive thing I would remind it of the facts and try and distract myself whilst at the same time thinking to myself if i always love him with a part of my heart then i cant help it and thats okay. I cant get him back so i need to live my life now, and then think of something to do to distract myself. It is hard as triggers happen all the time and its defo a one step forward, one back process. Another thing that gives me comfort is that you are a different person for knowing your ex, one by your time together and two by the strength, resilience and courage you have trying to move on now- and no one can eliminate that. It will always be there. You also said about not feeling brave or strong, but from your posts you really are. You are actively trying to help yourself and have been doing all the way through.you could of stayed at home and not gone to the weekend away but you have chosen to say yes and go- that in itself shows resilience and courage so you are doing brilliantly. 🙂
Kkasxo- Really sorry to hear things arent so great with you. Therapy can be hard and bring up stuff which can make it seem more raw. Have you got anything nice planned for yourself this weekend? If you feel low maybe do one thing you are putting off and just that little victory (which actually is a huge victory as it is you vs your mind) can make you feel slightly better. For distraction, i listened to thus podcast https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00mb9pkon radio 4 this week – and its not suggesting at all you being a widow- its stories of women who found happiness after losing thier loved ones. For alot of them it was about rediscovering who they were. It was funny and not as sad as it sounds.
In terms of your ex, from what you have said about him here he sounds like a nice, decent person who is trying to help you eg being there when you feel low, flowers, offering to go with you to blood tests. I dont know the trauma between you two, but from an outsider he sounds like one of the good guys. However I may have got the 100% wrong end od the stick as i havent read all the posts on here and also i dont know your and his story/wasnt in the relationship so please ignore that part if I am talking out of turn. I also know how family can help to make or break a relationship and how hard it can be going to family stuff when there has been water under the bridge. I think its back to what you and Shelby have said all along, there is not a magic right answer, its what works for you.
SBack to this weekend, I really hope you are okay. If you want to relax, eat chocolate and veg out watching tv thats okay, you have to take care of you. One thing I tend to do when feeling low is reading an uplifting book or going on Marc and Angel website or Lone Wolf website. The Lone Wolf website is good as it has mini quizzes you can do which help you learn more about yourself-its an easy way to pass the time. One last thing, this last christmas i was dreading it so i went and volunteered for the day. I felt terrible waking up but being around new people all day and volunteeing (it was a soup kitchen type thing) got me out of my head and into engaging with others. All of these things are a distraction/way of tiring me out at best but can help pass the time and get to the next day. Take care of yourself this weekend.January 27, 2019 at 11:30 am #277231
Just back from the weekend away and I’m exhausted. So the overall verdict is- it was awesome. I genuinely don’t remember having that much fun since…..college probably!!! There was a powercut which resulted in us meeting new people and having an incredible night of fun and laughter. So overall it was great. However I didn’t stop thinking about my ex really. I missed him and at times, just a few, I felt so sad and almost like crying. But I realise I’m especially hormonal right now. But it physically hurt at times thinking of missing him.
I was shallow and posted a couple of online photos – even though I know he doesn’t do social media- I felt if I put it in the ether, it might get back to him sometime, through friends or whatever.
Anyway, I just don’t know when this is not going to hurt. I’m proud of myself for constantly keeping going, but I feel I will be like this forever. I still don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m no closer to figuring out a new plan for my life.
How was the weekend for ye?January 28, 2019 at 12:27 am #277299
Excellent, I’m so glad to hear it went well and you had so much fun! I spent most of the weekend working through the long list of stuff to organise before we head out on our trip, lots of exercising, visiting family and generally looking forwards to the end of dry-Jan…by Sunday was slumped on the sofa more than ready for bed!
Yeah, one day at a time, that’s all you can do. Just look to make the most of each day and the future will look after itself, eventually. Sometimes I found that if I’d unexpectedly enjoyed myself I would shrink back from it, almost as if I “shouldn’t” enjoy anything because I should be sad still. So I would spend time thinking about him, what I’d lost and basically remake myself sad. Stupid eh. But at some point you are just ready to put the sad down for longer and longer each time, if that makes sense. Or you may find yourself ready to try again from that positive place of wanting to, not needing to. It’s all about getting better at listening to your real inner voice, not your emotions. At least you know when you’re hormonal they’re all over the place and not to be trusted!
This was in my daily reading email today, thought you guys might find it interesting, a lot I agreed with.January 28, 2019 at 1:55 am #277307
Thanks so much. My greatest challenge and difficulty at the moment is deciphering between what is my gut instinct – that inner voice as you call it – and what are emotions. Are they the same, are they different? How can I know? I’m still trying to figure it out.
Wow, it will be very exciting heading away on such an adventure, I do hope you have a wonderful time.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, but the best I can say right now is I’m ‘maintaining’. Im getting up, eating working and keeping an income coming in, so that’s about the direction I have right now!
I will read that blog – thank you for sending it.January 28, 2019 at 12:43 pm #277401
I don’t know if it’s hormones or the loops in the process but I’m really missing my ex tonight. It’s foolish but I still don’t see it as over. How on earth do you let go? I could easily say, ‘okay, it’s done, let’s move on’ but it doesn’t mean I feel it.
I haven’t contacted him in about a month, I’m going about my daily life and still something is not budging. I miss him and want to be with him. It just doesn’t change and it’s hurting and wearing me down.January 29, 2019 at 12:45 am #277515
Hey Shelby, it’s only been a month since you’ve contacted, that really is no time at all, so it’s not foolish whatsoever, it’s normal, expected. I know some people do seem to get through or over it much quicker but from those I’ve known, it seems as though it’s a more superficial getting over, if that makes any sense. As in they quickly look for another person to ‘plug the gap’ and are then surprised when that doesn’t work out either. You are taking the longer, harder but eventually truly happier route, wherever it may lead.
But none of that helps with the practical day-on-day “I just miss him dammit” eh, I know!! Depending on your state of mind, sometimes it can be helpful to try to think through exactly what it is you are missing/needing. As I progressed I would find it wasn’t always necessarily actually him, but more the feeling/memory of being with him – a hug, warmth, comfort, being safe, not needing to think about my future – feelings I so very strongly associated as only coming from being with him. I was pretty good at adapting the reality of the relationship so it was perfect with none of the niggles/issues to make sure I missed it more. Sounding familiar at all?? But if I was already low/sad/lonely, thinking about it was the worst thing I could do as it would make me sink deeper into self-pity and I’d look to get into action.Hugs & contact from friends, family just weren’t the same, but they did help. So I would try to reach out and became better at making sure I had enough organised to meet my needs the best I could whilst I waited it out for time to do her thing.
Many people stay good friends with their ex’s, after all, you were best friends as well as lovers which is why it’s so hard to lose both at the same time. There is nothing wrong with contacting him, keeping him in your life and still enjoying his company like that, if he is up for that. It doesn’t have to be full on cold turkey, everybody’s way is different. It is whatever is right for you and you alone. It doesn’t matter at all what is ‘normal’, ‘expected’ or what other people think. It’s only really a problem if you don’t feel ready/strong enough to be able to deal with trying to build a different kind of relationship with him, that it would stop you being able to look for what you need and want in your life. And I think that’s where you know you just aren’t ready to be able to do that yet??
Morning Kkasxo, hope all going ok with you too?January 29, 2019 at 3:44 am #277525
Thank you so much for saying that I’m taking the harder but better road. Gosh, I would not have thought that at all.I think I’m barely struggling along and that life is happening ‘to me’ as opposed to me proactively doing anything.
Being friends with him is absolutely not an option for me. It is already killing me to conjure up images of him moving on in my head, I don’t think I want to be front and centre to witness it. I definitely do use rose coloured glasses when looking back on the relationship but when I rationally make myself think of the flaws, it’s like they wash over me without touching me deeply really.
Thanks so much for your ongoing support here, it really keeps me afloat.
@kkasxo I hope you’re doing okay.January 29, 2019 at 11:54 am #277637
Apologies for going all silent on you again. The last few days have been extremely tough.. in fact since my spiral some two weeks ago everything has been upside down and I haven’t really had the energy to do anything.. The date is fast approaching and I am hoping that it will be the final release and next week I will feel like I can finally take a breath of fresh air. For the time being, I have accepted that I will wallow in my own pain and self pity and hope for the best.
Shelby, I am so pleased that you have enjoyed your weekend. Well done for going completely out of your comfort zone and even enjoying it! That’s incredible! How are you feeling this evening regarding the ex?January 29, 2019 at 12:43 pm #277645
Im sorry you’ve been finding it so tough. It’s not fair. But you’re entitled to wallow I think, after all you’ve been through? It’s completely understandable. I hope you find some solace in meeting the date with courage and moving past it afterwards.
Im feeling very sad this evening. I’m just missing him more than I know I should and I really want to reach out to him but at the same time, I don’t feel I’m ready. It’s tough, I have no interest in being with anyone else, I still don’t believe I’ll find someone ‘better’.January 29, 2019 at 2:29 pm #277667
Thank you, I hope once I am past it it will be almost like a new beginning, new glimmer of hope, fresh of breath air. Until then I will just have to take each day as it comes.
I’m sorry you’re feeling sad again. It is literally such a sh**ty journey isn’t it! The waves and up and downs are so exhausting. It is absolutely okay to not want to be with anyone else. That is absolutely normal and I wouldn’t push yourself in that direction. Take my ex for an example, first relationship, first heartbreak, he wasn’t sure how to deal with it, everyone was convincing him to ‘move on’ and that he will find love again and it’ll be fine eventually, he believed that seeing as we are over and there is no way back then the only way forward is to move on as per everyone’s advice, ended up ‘dating’ and look at him now? It lead him nowhere, he wasn’t ready, his heart wasn’t ready, it was a complete waste of time, if anything it amplified the fact that no other woman is me, oh & it ended up hurting me in the process! So don’t rush into that, it’s perfectly okay to not be ready. After all, he was your happy ever after for a long long time AND you still love him. I was just wondering, when you say you want to reach out but you are not ready, what do you mean? What are you not ready for?January 30, 2019 at 1:25 am #277695
Hey, good to hear from you again Kkasxo, though sorry to hear it’s been so tough am not surprised, was wondering how you were getting on with your dates approaching. Literally, hanging in there and wallowing when you need to, whatever you need to do to get through it is the best you can do, so happy to hear you aren’t beating yourself up over it. It will be such a huge step and relief when past it and you have survived it. Try to cling to that thought and carry on hoping for the best, that’s just great you can half see the relief that will hopefully come. Take care you.
Shelby, I know where you’re at. I also could no way face being friends, it was simply not an option either. Some people manage it, I have no idea how. And yes, when I found out he was seeing someone else, I did not cope well with that at all. Remember, there is no ‘should’ in any of this – if you are missing him like crazy, you are missing him like crazy, it’s just something else that is what it is. As you know, you have the choice to act upon it or not. I understand why you are not – and that’s why I said you have whether you knew it or not chosen the harder but better road. Because you are sticking it out so as not to go back because you need to but because you want to if/when you are both in different better places to be able to do so. Seriously, there is no point wondering if there is anybody better or not – all that matters for now is that the old relationship ( rose-coloured glasses off…. ) did not give you what you needed/wanted. So your choice remains either being willing to accept less for whatever kind of relationship this guy did or will offer you or continuing to hang in there and get through this. Let the future take care of itself, all we can do each day is that which will best help towards the future we want.
As to listening to your inner voice as I call it, it’s damn hard but gets easier. If you imagine your Martha as the loud, shouty voice in your head who’s screaming “I hurt, go back, why are you trying to change things, we were ok really, we could ignore those bits we weren’t too happy about, he’s the best you are going to get offered in this life, I’m scared and lonely dammit, go back etc etc” then your inner voice ( needs a name too?!? ) is the quiet, reserved but determined voice that is very quietly saying “but I wasn’t really happy, I knew I deserved more, was selling myself short, he hasn’t bothered to try to fight for us, so he really can’t be the best guy ever and actually I’m really rather irritated by that etc etc” . It’s the one that has you waiting it out, goes to therapy, went on the weekend and so on, stuff that is helping you long-term. Walking made it easier for me to listen, something about the calm pacing outside I think – but sometimes I would literally have to resort to the old coin-tossing, you know, where if you don’t get the answer you really want on the first toss you go best of three……and so you know….even if it’s an irritating answer!